how to deal with my MIL's comments about my Mum two days after my giving birth

[SteadyFreddie]

I've named changed as don't want to be identified.

I gave birth to 1st DS 3 days ago by ELCS - was feeling so happy until yesterday.
I was in hospital waiting to be discharged when my DH called my MIL on his mobile, and put the conversation on speakerphone - without telling her.
As she did not realise she was on speakerphone, she made some very unfortunate and disparaging comments about my Mother, who had visited me in the hospital a day after giving birth, along with my sister who was visiting from overseas.
The comments my MIL made were:
1/asking how the visit with my Mother had gone the day before and whether my mother had turned up only for 'Kodak moments'
And
2/harrumphing in a very disdainful tone that my Mother had sent her a congratulatory 'aren't we lucky to be grandmothers' email that morning, along with some photos of the three of us (me, DH and DS) during her visit.

Now; the context to this is that I have had a very strained relationship with my Mother the past year and that we have been on mostly non speaks. She really let me down and hurt me just over a year ago when she failed to acknowledge / bother to get in contact when I had a miscarriage the week I got married. I had emailed her on the way back from the EPOS unit when they said the pregnancy was unviable, and heard nothing at all. In short, I felt let down by my Mum at a very vulnerable time.
During the majority of the pregnancy, we've had no contact and it has been hard, but I've had to manage my expectations.
She got in touch a short time before the birth and explained that she wanted to be supportive.

My husband is aware of all that has happened with my Mother and he is angry at the lack of support during the miscarriage. In our intimate conversations, I have expressed my fears to him that my Mum is only interested in being around for 'Kodak moments' and not offering love and support when I am vulnerable and need it most.

Similarly, I was aware that my MIL was aware that I had a difficult relationship with my Mum but I've never openly dissed my Mother in front of her. Over the past year, I have tried hard to have a good rel with my MIL and have really helped her out and tried to nurture a relationship with her.

So, my shock at hearing the conversation is huge because it tells me
1/my DH has clearly been telling her things I've told him in what I believed were private, intimate conversations
And
2/the huge disdain and contempt my MIL has for my Mother.

I was so shocked I just couldn't speak. After my MIL said these things, my DH - who had realised with horror that she didn't realise I had heard her say these things - told her we were on speakerphone.

This has really changed things for me, on so many levels.
I feel very hormonal and vulnerable, having just given birth, so there is every possibility I am over reacting.
But I feel so distanced from my DH - he's let me down by sharing things that I've told him in confidence - and I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my MIL, knowing that she regards my Mum with such contempt.

I am not excusing or defending my Mother. I've had to resign myself to the fact she is never going to be the Mother I want her to be. But it's one thing me knowing and feeling this and having her held up to scrutiny and ridicule by by DH and his family.

I have tried to address this with my DH and he says 'sorry' that yesterday happened, but also that I am being hormonal (as we were told to expect at this point). His get out clause is that as I had told her (MIL) that I had a difficult relationship with my mother, therefore she must have thought it was ok to say such things.

But this has changed things for me. I feel so distanced and let down. I feel no connection at all to him. I've lost respect for him.

I'm happy about the birth of our DS, but I want nothing more to do with his Mother and I feel no closeness to my DH.

My DH keeps saying this is hormones - but things have changed for me. I have no interest in him at all - I don't trust him, and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with my MIL, particularly as I have been a doormat over the past year in terms of trying to be kind and considerate.
I'm so angry and let down.

Sorry op, but I don't really think your MIL has done anything wrong. It would be so much worse if you all got along great and she came out with something like this but the reality is that your dm has not been kind and supportive of you. All that has happened is that your MIL is defending you and has your back. There is no hostility toward you at all.

Maybe your dh has overshared and that has disappointed you. Please don't let this episode overshadow your happiness on the birth of your new son.

I think your MIL is concerned that your dm may let you down again after the initial excitement of a grandchild and I think, along with the email, this is where the issue lies.

I had an awful MIL op who let me, my dh and my dd2 down horribly. Your MIL, maybe clumsily, sounds concerned and supportive of you so please do try and move on from this. Congrats on your new baby.

"Being nasty about Op's mum (even if it is deserved) in a conversation with her son isn't sticking up for Op or having her back in this context though, is it?"

Is it being nasty, or being honest about her failings and not wanting the pretence that everything is ok carrying on?

How many threads are there about OPs not being able to carry on relationships with family members, after years of shitty treatment. Yet they are dropped from the family because the perpetrator is seen as "oh they've always been like that/you should be past caring now", but what it really means is that they are enabled to be an arsehole.

The OPs Mum, is extending the treatment to her SIL and GC and the MIL is quite rightly saying that it's not happening on her watch.

The OP can put up with all the crap she wants, but her DH and child don't have to.

Why not start as you mean to go on, as is advised if it's a MIL wanting 'Kodak Moments', by not enabling this and calling it what it is?

She should never have been put on Speakerphone.

Please don't allow this to cloud the previous first few days with your baby. I can understand why you're upset but IMO neither your husband nor your MIL have done anything wrong. He's entitled to talk to his mum, It doesn't mean that he's telling her intimate secrets, just that he's told her that your mum has hurt you. And she has. This anger is misplaced, and it's unfair to load it into the people who have actually been there for you. Please get some rest and let them love you and care about you. They clearly do!

"She should never have been put on Speakerphone."

Well yes, that's the main issue.

Op seems to be under no illusions as to her mum, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear her talked of in such a way by her MIL-especially when it also illustrates just how much her husband has been saying.

I feel for you OP. You're recovering from a big operation and from a huge positive shift in your life - a beautiful baby. And then this happens.

Now I totally understand why it's left you raw. My own mother is a selfish woman and has no concept of the pain she inflicts. She'd genuinely not understand what she could be criticised for.

My MIL is an amazing woman. She has welcomed me into her family and she has become incredibly protective of me. I can well imagine what my mil would say in this situation and it'd been a hell of a lot worse than you heard.

But.

You haven't got a Mil problem. You have a miscommunication with your husband about what information you're comfortable with him sharing with his mum. That may mean you're going to hear a lot more of his opinion on your own mother - if you can't handle that then perhaps you should allow him to vent with his mum.

Finally your upset at your mil attitude to your mum is unreasonable in my opinion. I'd have huge contempt for your mother. I'd think she was a shit-stirring, self involved bitch. No amount of Kodak moments would change that - it'd make it worse. And I'd despise her even more if her poor daughter, my daughter-in-law felt the need to defend her actions.

I hope you recover from the op well, can enjoy your baby and heal your relationships with your husband and mother in law. X

Diddl I disagree that MIL was nasty. I dont think she was. Of course it doesn't make it easy for the OP to hear but it's not MIL OP should be angry at here.

Morning - thanks for the constructive feedback, particularly in relation to MIL being concerned and supportive.
We've had a good relationship so far, which is why I felt to shocked on hearing her comments.

I do think she may also be feeling slightly put out that my Mum got to see DS first. There was a logical reason for this in that my Mum came along to hospital with my sister, who lives overseas and flew home yesterday. My thinking was that it was 'easier' to have my sister there, to cushion any potential for nastiness, than my Mum only.

I'm under no illusions about my Mum, or the lack of support she has been. It made me sit up and draw boundaries and be very clear that I can't and won't accept bad behaviour going forward.
But, equally, I am trying to repair our relationship in a realistic way and I'm not going to stop her from having a relationship with my son (or me), but on my terms.

Same applies to MIL. Having read through posts here.....ok; I can see she was being supportive (of me, and her own DS, my DH), but it's just awful to hear the shortcomings and *uck ups in your own side of the family held up to scrutiny by others - even when you know there is more than a grain of truth.

FWIW, since her visit, my Mum has been in daily contact, albeit by email. We don't have (and didn't have) the kind of close pick up a phone rel before. But I know she is trying, and that is more than before.

Sorry, your DH has let you down. Is he normally a mummy's boy? You need to have a chat with him about boundaries, it's absolutely essential he doesn't ever parrot your intimate conversations to your MIL again. The blood runs cold thinking of what he might be telling her!

So pleased about the relationship your Mum improving. It sounds like she is really trying. Your MIL is probably jealous she wasn't the first to see the baby but Mothers will always be more of a priority to their daughter than their MIL, that's just how it is.

Congratulations on your baby! You are understandably hurt but you also need the perspective that your hubby is also under pressure at the moment and it sounds like he has let off steam confiding in his mother. He might have even asked her to be there for you since it wasn't until recently your mother got back on contact. To be honest, it sounds like his mother is angry with your mother on your behalf - that she obviously cares about you. But you do need to tell her you feel hurt because at the end of the day it's your mother everyone is talking about and you will hold some resentment against your m'n'law if you don't clear the air. I've bitten my tongue with my m'n'law so many times to keep the peace that unfortunately it's now all built up to the point where I can't stand her. So please make the effort to sort it out with your hubby and her so you can all enjoy your new baby together.

I think with fairness to your DH it must be difficult to see you and your mum and he may well need an outlet for his own emotions about that and it would make sense for it to be his mum.

My OH family can be difficult and it makes me sad to see OH and my DC try to interact with a grandparent who is not interested. I sometimes need to talk that through so I do with my own mother. I trust that she would keep that confidence and your MIL did. It enables me to be a sounding board for him

To be honest she is going to feel a little bit upset that she was put on speakerphone

@SteadyFreddie, I do understand. I've spoken before on mumsnet about my DM and what she did or didn't know about my abuse as a child. She says she didn't know and I've decided to accept what she's said.

My DH spoke to his DM about it and she was finding it hard to believe. I had previously expressed doubts to my DH but I was very upset to know that my MIL had been asking questions. It felt very intrusive and yes I was cross.

But I find my MIL difficult anyway. Yours sounds like she's been very supportive, but I get that what she said would have upset you. But I expect she's mortified now. But you need to establish some boundaries with your DH about what you don't want him sharing with her.

I understand why she was put out though. Why did your DM feel the need to send a goady email to her? Maybe she didn't mean it that way but that's how it would have appeared.

One thing - I am not being an apologist, but I really don't think it was a 'goady' email that my Mum sent to MIL. Rather, one saying 'aren't we lucky to be grandmothers' and including the photos of me, DH and DS.

Both my mother and mil previously sent each other such emails and cards when we got engaged and married. They also have sent Christmas gifts.

So, the email wouldn't have been unusual in that context - more so, that as everyone has rightly pointed out, my Mum is almost trying to act like nothing has happened and that all is as it was before.

I'm really not apologising for her, but at the same time I'm acknowledging she is trying.

I agree with you OP, it sounded like your Mum was making an effort and was really excited about the baby, which is why she sent the email to MIL. If I was the MIL I'd have been delighted to receive any picture of the baby if I had not seen them yet.

Just something to guard yourself against, it can be hurtful when a relative suddenly changes their behaviour when a baby appears. Make sure you only give them what you can emotionally, or you can begin to feel like a walking womb.

I did say it may well not have been her intention but it's how it may have come across to your MIL. There's obviously some uneasy history between them.

She'll be mortal now, of course, especially that she was on speakerphone!

It's lovely that your DM is making so much effort, no wonder you're upset by your MIL's comments. You should talk to her and your DH.

I do agree with the masses saying your MIL sounds hurt on your behalf and like she is afraid you will be hurt again by your mum and she doesn't trust her.
I don't blame your husband for offloading to his mum- as he was clearly hurt for you too and it's hard to process emotions without discussing them with other people you are close to. If he felt he needed to protect you or respect your choice he may have felt it wasn't appropriate to discuss his own feelings about it with you so turned to his mum. As a mother of a wee boy aren't you glad your husband will be setting up such a good role as how a mum and son should be? Close and open.
I really like the sound of your MIL and I really hope you are strongly upholding your boundaries with your own Mum. Yes it could be a positive step for you both, but there is the potential she is just around for the novelty factor and then when times get bad and you actually need her she will be unavailable to you. Unless she has actually address the past issues that made her as she was.

Congratulations on your baby!
Your MIL is no enemy here. Don't throw her under the bus. She has your mum pegged and what has she done? Just said the truth out loud which is no crime.

Your issues with your mum may be over... or not.
But I wouldn't waste a moment getting divisive or upset over your MIL.

Focus on your baby and your own family for now. No drama.

I can understand both sides. I see your point OP. I once told my DH some stuff about my family, that was not common knowledge amongst the family iyswim. A few weeks later, MIL repeated this info, in a not very nice tone, almost judging, fairly obvious where she got the info from. I went mad with DH, if he tells her stuff now I don't know about it as she hasn't done it again. So I can understand why you are angry.
It's almost like 'it's my family, I can say it, but you can't'.

Your DH has made an error in judgement, I would have another word and explain why you are hurt your MIL said that.

Your DH is going to be upset and angry about the way he's seen you treated by your mum and how hurtful you've found it through your pregnancy - he won't vent that to you and hurt you with it, he's probably confided in his mum to have somewhere to let it go. If your MiL is fond of you and it sounds like she is, then she's likely angry and upset for you too, and protective of you. I'd find it very hard to be nice about anyone who treated someone I loved like that.

It's unfortunate about the speakerphone but it sounds to me like you have both dh and mil very firmly in your corner, sad about what you've gone through and not happy with the person who upset you. It is nice your mum is trying and of course that really matters to you, I hope you can enjoy it.

Congratulations with your new arrival

Your MIL may have fucked up. We all do at some point. But I think it was clearly out of concern for you, not to hurt you in any way.

I hope your relationship with your mother improves. Personally, I would suggest talking to a therapist, because relationships with mothers are so intense and complex, and it's always good to have a third party who is not involved and can listen to you and help you to clarify your own feelings and thoughts. (I say this as someone who benefited hugely from therapy).

Sorry, your DH has let you down. Is he normally a mummy's boy?

Utter claptrap! This nonsense really pisses me off....why is it ok for a daughter to have a close relationship with her mum, but if a son does he's called a mummys boy and told to cut the apron strings?

Im glad you're feeling more philosophical. It's really hard to hear people criticising your mother however difficult she is as a person. I speak from personal experience. I hope you and your dh are enjoying your baby. Did you talk to you husband about what he said to his mother? Are you also feeling better about this? As I said upthread, I don't think it was malicious and perhaps he wasn't even sharing a confidence, maybe more repeating what you said as if they were his own words.

Yeh I thought the "mummys boys comment was quite nasty and uncalled for to. Sexist nonsense as well.

"But I feel so distanced from my DH - he's let me down by sharing things that I've told him in confidence"

Did you tell him that he wasn't to tell them to another soul? He may have thought that she should know how you feel about your mum.

"I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my MIL, knowing that she regards my Mum with such contempt."

For repeating your exact words about your mum?

It sounds like your DH & MIL have taken their cues about your mum from you. If you had spoken about her with respect, they would regard her with the same respect.