how to deal with my MIL's comments about my Mum two days after my giving birth

[SteadyFreddie]

I've named changed as don't want to be identified.

I gave birth to 1st DS 3 days ago by ELCS - was feeling so happy until yesterday.
I was in hospital waiting to be discharged when my DH called my MIL on his mobile, and put the conversation on speakerphone - without telling her.
As she did not realise she was on speakerphone, she made some very unfortunate and disparaging comments about my Mother, who had visited me in the hospital a day after giving birth, along with my sister who was visiting from overseas.
The comments my MIL made were:
1/asking how the visit with my Mother had gone the day before and whether my mother had turned up only for 'Kodak moments'
And
2/harrumphing in a very disdainful tone that my Mother had sent her a congratulatory 'aren't we lucky to be grandmothers' email that morning, along with some photos of the three of us (me, DH and DS) during her visit.

Now; the context to this is that I have had a very strained relationship with my Mother the past year and that we have been on mostly non speaks. She really let me down and hurt me just over a year ago when she failed to acknowledge / bother to get in contact when I had a miscarriage the week I got married. I had emailed her on the way back from the EPOS unit when they said the pregnancy was unviable, and heard nothing at all. In short, I felt let down by my Mum at a very vulnerable time.
During the majority of the pregnancy, we've had no contact and it has been hard, but I've had to manage my expectations.
She got in touch a short time before the birth and explained that she wanted to be supportive.

My husband is aware of all that has happened with my Mother and he is angry at the lack of support during the miscarriage. In our intimate conversations, I have expressed my fears to him that my Mum is only interested in being around for 'Kodak moments' and not offering love and support when I am vulnerable and need it most.

Similarly, I was aware that my MIL was aware that I had a difficult relationship with my Mum but I've never openly dissed my Mother in front of her. Over the past year, I have tried hard to have a good rel with my MIL and have really helped her out and tried to nurture a relationship with her.

So, my shock at hearing the conversation is huge because it tells me
1/my DH has clearly been telling her things I've told him in what I believed were private, intimate conversations
And
2/the huge disdain and contempt my MIL has for my Mother.

I was so shocked I just couldn't speak. After my MIL said these things, my DH - who had realised with horror that she didn't realise I had heard her say these things - told her we were on speakerphone.

This has really changed things for me, on so many levels.
I feel very hormonal and vulnerable, having just given birth, so there is every possibility I am over reacting.
But I feel so distanced from my DH - he's let me down by sharing things that I've told him in confidence - and I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my MIL, knowing that she regards my Mum with such contempt.

I am not excusing or defending my Mother. I've had to resign myself to the fact she is never going to be the Mother I want her to be. But it's one thing me knowing and feeling this and having her held up to scrutiny and ridicule by by DH and his family.

I have tried to address this with my DH and he says 'sorry' that yesterday happened, but also that I am being hormonal (as we were told to expect at this point). His get out clause is that as I had told her (MIL) that I had a difficult relationship with my mother, therefore she must have thought it was ok to say such things.

But this has changed things for me. I feel so distanced and let down. I feel no connection at all to him. I've lost respect for him.

I'm happy about the birth of our DS, but I want nothing more to do with his Mother and I feel no closeness to my DH.

My DH keeps saying this is hormones - but things have changed for me. I have no interest in him at all - I don't trust him, and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with my MIL, particularly as I have been a doormat over the past year in terms of trying to be kind and considerate.
I'm so angry and let down.

I understand. Blood is thicker than water. Try to let it pass x

I get it. As much as it is hard we all want our mum but sometimes they just don't cut it. It doesn't help that we keep believing they will change especially in such events that should bring people closer. One tiny change gives up hope.

DDs dad used to pass info on to his mother even when I asked not to. His excuse was always lame in that she would like to know, she will understand. I didn't bloody care. Not her business. The solution was to hug me, I don't do hugs and felt so uncomfortable. I really didn't want another mother to hug me either. Its hard to explain but it was like sheer irony slapping me hard. they didn't get it. Thought their own way was better. they blamed me. apparantly I didnt like her and to him I had issues I was taking out on his mother. Trust lost. I get it OP.

Despite all the problems I also could not stand anyone speaking bad of my mum. It kind of hit me and made me feel sad. Emotional attachment. Its not your fault.

lil

Thank you ringle.

It can be shocking hearing people have a whinge like that when it's usually kept from you, but most of us do it! She didn't say anything awful, you acknowledge yourself that your mother is difficult, so there's not much point being shocked that your MIL agrees with you! I'd let it go. There was no malice there.

You've just had a baby -congratulations. Your body and mind have taken a bashing and you're feeling vulnerable.

I'd be uncomfortable about thoughts I shared in private being shared with someone else but I do think your dh and mil are on your side.

It's normal to criticise your family but feel angry if anyone else slights them. But right now try to let it go as you've become a mum and focus on your gorgeous baby - exhausting but wonderful - place your energies there.

BlackberryandNettle it's not sexist to acknowledge there are a massive amount of hormones flying around when you have just given birth. It's normal. They must have some function. Maybe in olden days the mum's heightened sense of 'danger' kept baby safe.

I totally agree with you Blackberry " Your dh confiding in his mother that you've found her unsupportive is not difficult to understand either. Things are not ideal but if hormones are playing a factor, maybe give it a couple of days and see how you feel then."

Please OP, accept you are very emotional, as many women are after giving birth. Plus maybe this time has thrown into sharp relief that your mum has let you down.

You needed to confide in your dh, maybe he also needed to confide in someone else because he cares for you.

Do not allow your mum's failing to taint this time.

My own father died a few months before I gave birth. I decided I was going to not allow my sadness at not having him there, or my mum's sadness at losing him to spoil that special time.

My sis was there to support my mum. I was able to enjoy that time but I did feel massively hormonal, and ill, and it was not easy.

So be nice to yourself and nice to those around you, cut them some slack and remember you have done an amazing, monumental thing. You have grown a human! Amazing. XXXX

Honestly I'm not sure your MIL has done anything wrong. She has heard only your OH's version of events (I'd be more annoyed at him but even there I would cut him some slack as it's natural he would want to vent to someone about your mum's previous behaviour around your miscarriage etc) and sounds like she's annoyed with your mum's now apparent transformation into the picture of a doting grandmother after her previous poor behaviour and lack of support. To be honest I can't blame her for this - I understand you are rebuilding your relationship with your mum but to your MIL her image will be tarnished by how she previously behaved.
And there may also be a touch of jealousy about the family photos with the baby that she's not part of despite the fact she's been around the whole time while your mum was absent until very recently.

I too think that your MIL said those things because she is on your side.

Your DH knows how badly you hurt over your Mum's indifference to your miscarriage, and it sounds as if your MIL too is less convinced about a woman who treated her DIL so badly!

Your DH loves you. He doesn't want to see you hurt by your Mum. You can't blame him for caring about the fact that you were hurt by your Mum!

I would hold your DH and MIL close.

Steady - I think you are angry at the wrong person.* It sounds to me as though your MIL is protective of you and pissed off at your mother being so unreliable and uncaring. It was a personal call. DH shouldn’t have put it on speaker without announcing it to her but she said nothing unkind or judgemental towards you.*

Yes, she judges the arse off your Mum.* She clearly thinks she is uncaring and a hypocrite but by the sounds of it she is. It is unfortunate that it wasn’t followed by an expression of affection or remorse for you but the convo wasn’t for your ears.*

You aren’t being gossiped about or judged.* They aren’t belittling you or laughing at you.*

I can see why you are angry that your husband discussed it with his Mum but maybe he was worried and needed another opinion.* You sound very reactive about this and your anger is misplaced as is your sense of protection towards your Mum and fears of being belittled because people know Your Mum is a bit crap.*

Your Mum is not a reflection of your worth.* It is totally acceptable for others to acknowledge her shortcomings so long as they are not doing it to be nasty to you. When you have some time and your baby can be left with someone else for a couple of hours, please seek help from a counsellor who is experienced in family dynamics. You are holding your mums worth as you own and your privacy and defensiveness about anyone saying anything or knowing her faults is really unhealthy.*

You seem very angry with your mil.* She hasn’t done anything. Perhaps she feels protective and fond of you. You seem to resent treating her nicely.*

I can understand your anger with your husband at discussing Your Mum with his.* I can imagine how angry you felt when he dismisses it all as ‘hormones’. (My DH did that to me after a mc) But it isn’t worth breaking your family up for. This is a very difficult time in the best of circumstances. You sound to me, and I mean this kindly, as though you are becoming fixated and it is a disproportionate reaction. You sound unwell.*

I really feel for you.* Lots of people say having a kid brought them closer to their parents. I didn’t find that. It made me go ‘what the fuck were you thinking?’ about their behaviour. However you are displacing your anger and upset with your mother and placing it on your husband and MIL. I hope you have support and please be aware as much as possible about your state of mind. You sound as though you are detaching from things which can often be an early sign of PND. I heard that from a friend who had it. I found myself looking at my 3 week old baby fondly and benignly but with detachment. No intense bond, the feeling you would have as a good family friend, or perhaps a child minder. Definitely not the maternal feelings I had had previously. If I hadn’t been aware it was a symptom I would have spiralled and got much worse. It was hard enough as it was. Your intensity is worrying me. Please get help. I hope you feel calmer and happier soon.*
Much love x

OMG. The bold is unintentional and my phone isn’t working properly. Sorry.

I look like a twat and self important as so many messages of my are bold tonight.

I agree that the only person that should have any anger towards them is your mother. Your DH should be allowed to share and discuss things, and this sounds like a normal thing to discuss.

Your MIL was only saying what was correct and true, and she thought was private.

Your mother is at fault here, by a long shot.

Giving birth is emotional. Realising your mother isn't there for you is emotional. But don't isolate and push away the people that are there for you.

Congratulations OP on your beautiful baby. Don't let your mother taint this time x

Congratulations on your baby, and also on having a MIL who cares about you xxx

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!
I understand your feelings - I wouldn't particularly want my MIL to know the details of my feelings about my mother, as those would be private to me and I don't feel close enough to her to want to share them with her, and I wouldn't have expected my DH to have shared my private feelings with his mother, as they are MINE and not his to share.

But - my DH is pretty close to his mother and used to telling her all the details and minutiae of his life, often more than he tells me - so I would have said to him that this wasn't to be broadcast. My MIL is also prone to gossiping and has no boundaries over what I feel should be kept private, so details like this would have been shared all over with her family and her friends and possibly Mrs Bloggs who she'd just met in the baker's.

THe thing about this conversation though is that your MIL didn't mean to hurt you, she didn't know you could hear. So in reality no blame is attached to her on that score; but your DH must bear some responsibility for having set up this situation, where he has revealed your feelings about your (admittedly flaky) mother, and has allowed his mother to have a very bad impression of your mother.

It's natural to retain family loyalty, even when your own family suck - very much a case of "hey I can say what I like about them but just let anyone else try!" - even when you know your own relative has behaved very badly, you still don't want others to feel badly about them because they're your family, and to a minor extent, you can worry that how they feel about your family member might affect how they feel about you too.

What I would say now is to get through the next few days when your hormone surges will settle down (they will) and see how you feel about everyone then - but tell your DH as well that you do not expect him to discuss YOUR private feelings with his mother again, thank you.

Tbh you don't even know for sure he relayed your feelings. The conversation could have gone:

DH "Freddie's mum is has been in contact....".
MIL "Does she wants to be in your lives again....?"
Dh "Yup, sounds like it's all about the Kodak moments for her."

All he's then doing is repeating a phrase you've used. He is very unlikely to be saying to his mother, "Freddie thinks this...", "Freddie said that....". Even if he did, it is not to ridicule you.

It sounds as if you dh and mil have your back. hope you can get some perspective on this and/or some therapy.

I think when we are very upset or let down we can end up ranting out things that we maybe dont fully mean or havnt fully decided on just fears or worries ect when you do this to your husband / mother / best friend i dont think you expect them to repeat it. Now if your husband needed to speak to his mother fine but it sounds like he repeated it word for word what you said at a very emotional time. I think thats crap. If you have decided to give your mum another chance you need to tell your husband and mil this and you do not want her bitched about and you where very upset about it she is your mum you want to try and work it out. I also think the email thing was nice i mean she was sharing photos and probably trying to reach out to your mil. Maybe im reading it wrong but cant see how sending the email was bad. I totally understand why you are upset. Congratulations try and enjoy baby

Your DH is at fault. He failed to keep your confidence. Tell him you understand he is trying to belittle your feelings by passing them off as hormonal but you disappointed in his inability to hold your confidence. How can you share your private feelings with him if he is untrustworthy?

Yoir mil was rather silly and childish to behave like that. It wasn't particularly kind of her to talk like a spiteful 13 year old

I agree with ToNayDoh and you are getting annoyed with the wrong person. I can't see how MIL was being spiteful- she is very much on your side. I would cherish the lovely lady.
I am very close to my mother- I would certainly have a moan to her if DH's mother was dysfunctional - it wouldn't be disloyal.
It seems that you don't have the relationship that you want with your mother but everyone is supposed to pretend that she is a good mother.
Very few people have a poor relationship with a mother or MIL without venting to others sometimes- it helps them manage it.

I'd try and focus on these precious days with your new baby. You have issues with your mum, your husband mentioning this to his mum is coming from a good place, I believe and your MIL too.

steadyfreddie you have had some sound advice here. I agree with the majority that your anger is misplaced.
Enjoy your baby and nurture your relationship with Mil. Especially as your own DM is not living up to your expectations.
And let your self be looked after for the next couple of weeks.

Ah congratulations! When my dc were this age I was still in the 'blur' stage - a family disagreement is the last thing you need.

For what it's worth - I don't think your DH has been malicious. He's obviously been chatting with his mum about things that worry him - which is understandable. Having a baby is a stressful time. Especially after a loss. I hugely underestimated how stressful and upsetting my DH found our miscarriages and the pregnancy afterwards.

They both sound concerned more than anything. You're in a fragile state and our mum isn't known for her support. I read it more that they're 'on alert' to make sure you're ok.

Hope you're ok. Take care

Congratulations. I hope youre able to enjoy the early days with your precious baby.

You sound very forgiving of your mum which is so nice of you. Your mil does sound like she was just being protective of you but I ca see how shocking it would be as you was speaking so candidly, not knowing you were listening.

I would also try and not judge your dh. We have also gone through some difficult times and I found it difficult that my dh told his parents everything but soon realised he also needed an outlet and it really helped him process it all. Maybe your dh is similar and he needed to tell someone in order to support you when you went through the miscarriage and being let down by your mum. Either way,i would tell your dh and have an honest conversation with him about it all.

Congratulations on becoming a mom. You have done wonderful thing, but you are worn out. Your husband is out if order as is your mom, but don't make hasty decisions, sometimes good people do a silly or bad thing, it doesn't make them a total..... Be kind to yourself, get the help you can off everyone, you have told your dh he has let you down, he must be feeling bad, he over shared with his mom, as yours might do one day with you,Your child needs you both don't act in haste,. Your dh and mil care for you and have your back, your mom seems to be trying in a very poor fashion, to be supportive.

It's a bit off for your DH to dismiss your valued feelings as 'hormonal'. Convenient for him.

Congrats on birth of your DS I can understand your upset that's natural to want to defend your own family even if they've caused you pain and hurt but by the sounds of it your MIL is a far better person than your own mother try not to let that destroy your own relationship with her as you may come to rely on her the most during the early months with your DS for now focus on your own family unit your DH and your DS everyone else is just a bonus