how to deal with my MIL's comments about my Mum two days after my giving birth

[SteadyFreddie]

I've named changed as don't want to be identified.

I gave birth to 1st DS 3 days ago by ELCS - was feeling so happy until yesterday.
I was in hospital waiting to be discharged when my DH called my MIL on his mobile, and put the conversation on speakerphone - without telling her.
As she did not realise she was on speakerphone, she made some very unfortunate and disparaging comments about my Mother, who had visited me in the hospital a day after giving birth, along with my sister who was visiting from overseas.
The comments my MIL made were:
1/asking how the visit with my Mother had gone the day before and whether my mother had turned up only for 'Kodak moments'
And
2/harrumphing in a very disdainful tone that my Mother had sent her a congratulatory 'aren't we lucky to be grandmothers' email that morning, along with some photos of the three of us (me, DH and DS) during her visit.

Now; the context to this is that I have had a very strained relationship with my Mother the past year and that we have been on mostly non speaks. She really let me down and hurt me just over a year ago when she failed to acknowledge / bother to get in contact when I had a miscarriage the week I got married. I had emailed her on the way back from the EPOS unit when they said the pregnancy was unviable, and heard nothing at all. In short, I felt let down by my Mum at a very vulnerable time.
During the majority of the pregnancy, we've had no contact and it has been hard, but I've had to manage my expectations.
She got in touch a short time before the birth and explained that she wanted to be supportive.

My husband is aware of all that has happened with my Mother and he is angry at the lack of support during the miscarriage. In our intimate conversations, I have expressed my fears to him that my Mum is only interested in being around for 'Kodak moments' and not offering love and support when I am vulnerable and need it most.

Similarly, I was aware that my MIL was aware that I had a difficult relationship with my Mum but I've never openly dissed my Mother in front of her. Over the past year, I have tried hard to have a good rel with my MIL and have really helped her out and tried to nurture a relationship with her.

So, my shock at hearing the conversation is huge because it tells me
1/my DH has clearly been telling her things I've told him in what I believed were private, intimate conversations
And
2/the huge disdain and contempt my MIL has for my Mother.

I was so shocked I just couldn't speak. After my MIL said these things, my DH - who had realised with horror that she didn't realise I had heard her say these things - told her we were on speakerphone.

This has really changed things for me, on so many levels.
I feel very hormonal and vulnerable, having just given birth, so there is every possibility I am over reacting.
But I feel so distanced from my DH - he's let me down by sharing things that I've told him in confidence - and I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my MIL, knowing that she regards my Mum with such contempt.

I am not excusing or defending my Mother. I've had to resign myself to the fact she is never going to be the Mother I want her to be. But it's one thing me knowing and feeling this and having her held up to scrutiny and ridicule by by DH and his family.

I have tried to address this with my DH and he says 'sorry' that yesterday happened, but also that I am being hormonal (as we were told to expect at this point). His get out clause is that as I had told her (MIL) that I had a difficult relationship with my mother, therefore she must have thought it was ok to say such things.

But this has changed things for me. I feel so distanced and let down. I feel no connection at all to him. I've lost respect for him.

I'm happy about the birth of our DS, but I want nothing more to do with his Mother and I feel no closeness to my DH.

My DH keeps saying this is hormones - but things have changed for me. I have no interest in him at all - I don't trust him, and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with my MIL, particularly as I have been a doormat over the past year in terms of trying to be kind and considerate.
I'm so angry and let down.

I agree, mostly, with what has already been said.

I dont think your dh or mil have done anything wrong. Dh has spoke about the situation to his mum. Your mothers behaviour is also impacting him and he has either vented to his own mother or gone to her for advice.

No one would tell a woman whose Mil was behaving in this way that she should vent to her mother or go to her for advice.

Your mil believed she was having a private converstaion and what she said was factual. Your mother does turn up for kodak moments and provides no support and she was stirring the pot with the email.

I totally get why you want to forgive your mum and cling onto the hope that your mum will change. I also get why you hoped no one else knew. You want her to change and the relationship to be different. You want others to believe it too.

But you also have to accept that your mothers behaviour impacts not only you, but your dh. And by extension his mum. Mil is pissed off at her behaviour. She obviously cares about her son and you.

You are angry at your mum and angry that mil was right. And yes i do think women who have just given birth are knackered and hormonal. Its a fact that you are. It may be impacting how you feel, it may not be.

But, for whatever reason, your anger is misplaced.

Your mum is the one at fault here, she obviously doesn't care less. Feel angry at her, not two people who genuinely care about you. Your MIL and hubby have done nothing wrong. Your hubby has the right to discuss his feelings with someone. Accept you have a unreliable mother, my dad is useless. I've accepted and am a lot happier. Build a relationship with your MIL, she sounds like a woman who has your back

You have some very sound advice here OP and I only have the tiniest bit to add to it.
I guess you are used to shielding other people from your mother's behaviour and actions if she is so persistently selfish. And this event would seem to have broken through that barrier. You would seem to be in a position of "keeping the family secrets".

You perhaps need to think why that is. This is not a matter of a betrayal of loyalty to your mother, as you have perhaps been encouraged to think of it. It is an exposure of an ongoing truth.
Your mum is a grown up, if she didn't want to be treated like someone who only cares enough for photo opportunities, she did have the option to behave differently. The burden of hiding that she didn't isn't yours, or your Dh's.

Putting someone on speakerphone without telling them is beyond rude.

I think your MIL has your back in a way your DM doesn't.

Don't be hard on DH; I get what you're saying re privacy but he wasn't gossiping in malice, he was upset seeing you upset and letting off steam to his own mum.

You have a lovely new baby and are probably knackered and overwhelmed post birth.

Let this one go - it's not worth it x

I'm with you OP.

I don't really get why he had to relay your fears about your mum to his.

MIL thought that she was having a private conversation with the person who had told her this so she can't really be blamed for what she said, although it does sound as if she took a chance to dive straight in by asking if your Mum's visit had only been "kodak moments".(I may be projecting there, sorry).

Was there any concern for you at all about how the visit went?

It's on your husband for oversharing!

Ask your DH to keep your confidence. Then give him a second chance and forgive his stupidity. You will feel peaceful

I think you might be overreacting.
Your own mother didn't support you through an early miscarriage. Well harsh though this may seem now you can find out you're pregnant so early, women of your mothers generation didn't feel the same angst about miscarriage ; unless it was repeated and there was difficulty going to term it was just 'one of those things'. It still is with 1:4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage but we've made it into a much bigger deal emotionally by early scans and early pregnancy test.
Your husband and mother in law haven't done much wrong.
The call was a bit of a non event from the sound of it. Your mother in law was upset to receive a slightly smug email. Your mother may or may not have intended this. Your mother in law is feeling pushed out - with some reason.
You may just be hormonal but with the miscarriage response I suspect you're quite demanding and petulant as a norm. Even if you've just had a baby.

Your MIL was probably said those things because she thought your M was mean.
It's not her fault she was told something you didn't want her to know.
Very wrong to put someone on speaker without telling them.
It's your H you should be cross at not her.
Total over reaction.

Agree with what the majority of pp's have said - your DH and MIL love you and have your back. Please don't lose these early times with your baby (and congratulations!) as well as DH's early bonding days with his baby to this. Plus for those who think DH was 'dismissing' the OP's feeling by saying hormones - HORMONES ARE POWERFUL and so it PND (not saying that's what this is) and also it's a FACT not a supposition that the OPs hormones will be all over the place and she will be vulnerable right now.

Your mil had a point. Your mum was only there for the Kodak moment and it'll be your mil giving the true support. OP you should know which side your bread is buttered - your mum sounds shocking.

Another one who thinks you are angry at the wrong people here. I think it sounds very much like your DH and MIL are (quite rightly) angry with your mum for letting you down so badly when you needed her most.

Your DH was probably worried about how you were feeling and maybe wanted to talk to his mum about it. Being married doesn't mean all other relationships stop. He may not have realised that this was 'private' information, I literally have to spell it out to DH if I tell him something that I don't want to go any further because he just doesn't have the emotional understanding himself. It's just the way he is.

By all means be mad at your mum, but I think your DH and MIL are looking out for you and perhaps your hormones and playing their part here, so don't let this spoil what should be a really special time for you and your DH. Congrats on your wee baby.

Don't punish your MiL for being the Mum you would have liked to have.

Enjoy your baby, fuck the rest of them!

It's really hard to stand by and watch people you love being hurt by those who should love and care for them. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things slip out at times of emotion when you wouldn't normally say them.

It sounds like your MIL has the measure of your mum, I'm sorry you're upset but I think your anger is misdirected. I think it's ok for your husband to vent to his mother about your mother hurting you, but I can understand it was a big shock to hear it out of the blue like that.

Give yourselves all time

What did your mil do when you had the miscarriage? I think if she was supportive and kind then she has every right to be disdainful of your mum. The comments sound like a protective persons tbh and I wouldn't get upset about them. I would carry on nurturing your relationship with your mil, they're not all monsters you know 😊.

i agree with other posters. Your MIL sounds like she cares about you. Your husband is entitled to speak to his mother about his worries, perhaps he didn't realise how upset you would be if she knew about your mother? Focus on those who love and care for you, and your mother doesn't sound like she does much.

One more voice to say your MIL and DH sound close, loving and supportive. All the things you wish your mum was but know she isn't. I think that's where the real pain of this experience lies.

You say yourself you feel hormonal and vulnerable so something was probably going to upset you that day and this is what triggered it. With hindsight you might think you were being unreasonable but so what? It's part of the hormonal territory. Try and set it aside for now and enjoy the good moments with your new baby and husband.

Your MIL hadn't done anything wrong. The only mistake your DH had made is putting a private conversation on speakerphone. Youve just given birth, your emotions will be all over the place. I do think it's your feelings about your own Mother that us causing this. You feel let down, unsupported and un cared for. Your DH knows this. I don't think there is anything wrong in him talking about this to his Mum.....something you probably wish you could do with yours but sadly you can't. If your Mum had been sorry etc then there was a chance you could work things out (although I'm not sure what possible reason she found have for ignoring you after your miscarriage) but sending for MIL that email...she sounds a nasty piece of work, sorry.

Because your mother-in-law is fond of you, seeing or hearing about how your mother let you down, she is probably thinking "Grrrrrr she better not hurt her again". Maybe you need to ask your dh to not repeat things you say in future.

I can say my mother is a this or a that, but nobody else better talk about my mother. Even if they say the same as me, I wouldn't like it. Even though it is true.
Not sure how I'd handle it.

Massively unfair to your husband and mil who are clearly sticking up for you and not wanting you to be hurt by mother who has let you down before. Yes I got that you don't want your husband discussing your business however it affects him too and when your child is older would you like them to be banned from talking to you about things that are happen in their life, it is normal to discuss these things with your mum. Sorry your mum hasn't been there for you however I think mil was saying what you were thinking and that's why you are upset. Your reaction to not want oh or mother anywhere near you or baby is very unreasonable, hormones fuck us up after birth and make everything seem worse.

Congratulations on the arrival of your baby.

Remember everything he is to you, your DH is to his mum. My DSs are young adults and I'd hate them not to be able to confide me about something that would be so big in their lives. I bet you don't want your little one to ever reach that point either.

I understand why you are hurt, but I think the hurt is all mixed up and misdirected. Hard as it is these days are precious and you need to consciously focus on connecting with your DH again and enjoying them.

Being nasty about Op's mum (even if it is deserved) in a conversation with her son isn't sticking up for Op or having her back in this context though, is it?

I'm not sure if mil had been to visit baby yet but could she be a little jealous that your mum has been able to swan in and see baby before her when she has been (I'm assuming) there for you throughout the good and the bad? Just a suggestion.