how to deal with my MIL's comments about my Mum two days after my giving birth

[SteadyFreddie]

I've named changed as don't want to be identified.

I gave birth to 1st DS 3 days ago by ELCS - was feeling so happy until yesterday.
I was in hospital waiting to be discharged when my DH called my MIL on his mobile, and put the conversation on speakerphone - without telling her.
As she did not realise she was on speakerphone, she made some very unfortunate and disparaging comments about my Mother, who had visited me in the hospital a day after giving birth, along with my sister who was visiting from overseas.
The comments my MIL made were:
1/asking how the visit with my Mother had gone the day before and whether my mother had turned up only for 'Kodak moments'
And
2/harrumphing in a very disdainful tone that my Mother had sent her a congratulatory 'aren't we lucky to be grandmothers' email that morning, along with some photos of the three of us (me, DH and DS) during her visit.

Now; the context to this is that I have had a very strained relationship with my Mother the past year and that we have been on mostly non speaks. She really let me down and hurt me just over a year ago when she failed to acknowledge / bother to get in contact when I had a miscarriage the week I got married. I had emailed her on the way back from the EPOS unit when they said the pregnancy was unviable, and heard nothing at all. In short, I felt let down by my Mum at a very vulnerable time.
During the majority of the pregnancy, we've had no contact and it has been hard, but I've had to manage my expectations.
She got in touch a short time before the birth and explained that she wanted to be supportive.

My husband is aware of all that has happened with my Mother and he is angry at the lack of support during the miscarriage. In our intimate conversations, I have expressed my fears to him that my Mum is only interested in being around for 'Kodak moments' and not offering love and support when I am vulnerable and need it most.

Similarly, I was aware that my MIL was aware that I had a difficult relationship with my Mum but I've never openly dissed my Mother in front of her. Over the past year, I have tried hard to have a good rel with my MIL and have really helped her out and tried to nurture a relationship with her.

So, my shock at hearing the conversation is huge because it tells me
1/my DH has clearly been telling her things I've told him in what I believed were private, intimate conversations
And
2/the huge disdain and contempt my MIL has for my Mother.

I was so shocked I just couldn't speak. After my MIL said these things, my DH - who had realised with horror that she didn't realise I had heard her say these things - told her we were on speakerphone.

This has really changed things for me, on so many levels.
I feel very hormonal and vulnerable, having just given birth, so there is every possibility I am over reacting.
But I feel so distanced from my DH - he's let me down by sharing things that I've told him in confidence - and I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my MIL, knowing that she regards my Mum with such contempt.

I am not excusing or defending my Mother. I've had to resign myself to the fact she is never going to be the Mother I want her to be. But it's one thing me knowing and feeling this and having her held up to scrutiny and ridicule by by DH and his family.

I have tried to address this with my DH and he says 'sorry' that yesterday happened, but also that I am being hormonal (as we were told to expect at this point). His get out clause is that as I had told her (MIL) that I had a difficult relationship with my mother, therefore she must have thought it was ok to say such things.

But this has changed things for me. I feel so distanced and let down. I feel no connection at all to him. I've lost respect for him.

I'm happy about the birth of our DS, but I want nothing more to do with his Mother and I feel no closeness to my DH.

My DH keeps saying this is hormones - but things have changed for me. I have no interest in him at all - I don't trust him, and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with my MIL, particularly as I have been a doormat over the past year in terms of trying to be kind and considerate.
I'm so angry and let down.

Your MIL is angry on your behalf for the way your Mum has hurt you. She used an expression you yourslef used about your Mum (Kodak moments) obviously just repeating what your DH has said to her. I bet she was really worried that your Mum who was so hopeless when you had a miscarriage, would swan in and say something hurtful and spoil your moments with your new baby.

If you didn;t specifically say to your DH that your comments about your MUm were confidential, then he probably just vented to his Mum because he is also upset at the way she treats you.

My DDIL has a horrible father, I hate it and feel angry when he is nasty and upsets her, because I love her. I do discuss the situation with my son, he will sometimes say to me 'DDIL's dad has done/said XYZ awful thing' and I will empathise. I wouldn't say anything to her, but I know it upsets my son as well.

Your poor MIL didn;t know she was on speaker phone (I personally think it is rude to put someone on speaker and not tell them) I imagine she would be mortified if she thought she had inadvertantly hurt you.

I'm sorry this conversation has happened and tarnished these special,moments.

However, like others have said, i don't think your husband was gossiping with his mother, but asking for guidance or letting of steam. Maybe they have always discussed personel matters. In our family, we're not the touchy-freely type, but others are.

Similarly, your mil may have been a little put out that your mother, who,you openly don't get on with, gets to see the baby first, and your mil, who,is more supportive, doesn't .

Try to be compassionate to,them both. You have just been through a major experience, everything is new, so,try and move on from this.

Firstly congratulations. I too think it sounds as if your mil is supportive of you and your dh was offloading to her. He will have needed support too following the miscarriage. When you become a mother you unwittingly walk into some strange common dynamics around mother in laws, who is top gran or top grandad etc. Maybe that's also what's going on with mil/your mum. I'm sorry your mum is a let down. Loads are. To be fair I think mothers are such a pivotal person in families that the need for them to be perfect often means women fall short. It hurts when they aren't really interested or damaging when they are around, no matter what age you are. Good luck with the baby. I hope you feel better about your dh soon.

You're transferring the anger you should feel towards your mother onto your MIL. Your MIL was angry on your behalf, and your DH talked to her about these things with her because he was angry on your behalf and needed to vent with someone, not because he wanted to hurt you.

I understand you have just give birth and are upset and emotional, but you really should realise who loves you and who doesn't. Your DH and MIL are on your side.

I think that your H and MIL are on your side and pissed off with your mum on your behalf. That comes from a place of love and support for you, so I don't really think you should feel angry and let down by them, and certainly having no interest in your husband, having no trust in him etc seems an extreme and unfair reaction to me. Slightly annoyed, I could kind of understand, but even then, could see both sides. But the extreme emotions you describe don't seem in any way justified to me.

You've just had your first baby. This is a time of huge emotional upheaval. Don't push your husband away at this incredibly significant time in your lives and your relationship. I wonder whether you shouldn't talk to a health professional about how you are feeling.

I do get it, OP. I'm very nervous about my DH sharing things with my MIL, as my own relationship with her is a bit fraught. But I'm learning that he needs to be able to talk to her about things that concern him. So I now leave him to it when he talks to her so I don't end up trying to listen in. (My DH always uses speakerphone.)

I do think your MIL sounds like she's coming from a place of caring for you, and she's upset on your behalf at how your DM has treated you. This does seem a real shame in that it should be a very happy time for you and DH as you enjoy your new DS. Don't let this spoil it. (But yes, I can imagine it being irritating, DH blaming your hormones, I hate it when my DH tries to rationalise it when I get upset.)

I think you are angry with the wrong people here. If your mum was lovely I could understand, but this has taken place in the context of you having a very difficult relationship with her. As others have said, your DH will be angry with your mother for her treatment of you, and it sounds as if your MIL is too.

I have been your DH in a similar situation OP. I had a miscarriage and DH's Mum acted appallingly towards him so it was my mother supporting us both. DH still felt that it was me 'bitching about his mother' if I talked to my mother about how stressful it all was etc. He never overheard my mother giving her opinion of his mother though, but he would know from things she'd say that I had told her stuff. But I simply had to talk to someone who would love and support me, and help me support DH. If my mother ended up with a low opinion of DH's mother it couldn't be helped. It did and does hurt DH if anybody except himself says anything about his mother as she is still his Mum, so I just try and listen nowadays and not say much myself or allow myself get too upset or angry on his behalf. It is difficult to see someone you love being continually hurt and let down by their mother. You feel it very intensely and the anger and shock and pain goes around and around in your head for days and weeks and months.

so your own mum who couldnt be bothered with you is the person your defending?

first of all no mayb dh sholdnt have said the exact thing u told him tgo his mother but hes prob frustrat that she treats u like crap then waltzes in like nothng happned

second-she sent a bitchy email to show shes been an visitd before mil-it was uncalled for

why are you angry with her and not your own mother

I just don't get this 'relationship ' your mum and his mum have. How the fuck has your mum got her email? My mum and my dh's mum certainly don't have each others' numbers/emails.

These two people are both looking out for you - don't push them away because of your relationship with your mother.

In years to come won't you want your own ds to come to you for advice?

Sounds like your dh and mil have a close relationship but don't let that alter your relationships with either due to your own with your mum

Maelstrop my dad and dps dad have each other's entail addresses and send 'jokes' to each other - they're both silver 🏄

Maelstrop there's nothing odd about that IMO.

oh sweetie, no real advice but stay calm, hormones do affect things. Just focus on your new baby, and cut your MIL and husband some slack.

It's your mum who has let you down and it seems you are angry at others.

Please do not spoil this precious time for your self or your dh by allowing this unfortunate phone call to taint things.

I agree with maxthemartian "I think you are angry with the wrong people here."

I agree with previous poster I also think that mil was being protective of you and thought it was sweet too...

SteadyFreddie you are mother to the baby son you have just had.

One day he will grow up and he may have a wife and children. Shouldn't he be able to talk to you about whatever is concerning him?

Perhaps because you don't hev a close relationship with your own mother you're not used to it, but it' a good thing he can confide in his mother.

Also, his MIL is on your side.

If you don't want your DH to share your thoughts let him know but don't be angry with him for this, neither him nor his mother have done anything wrong.

They care about you.

Congrats on your baby. You are so vulnerable at this point, hormones right on the surface. You are spilling over with so much stuff to think about. Try putting it to one side for a couple of weeks and then revisiting it again later.

Agree with virtually everyone else. Your MiL hasn't done anything wrong.
Personally I don't really think your dh has either.

Just focus on your lovely new baby and looking after yourself. There really is nothing to get worked up about here.

Another one who agrees your MIL is on your side. Sounds like she thinks your mum is being a CFM (Cheeky Fucking Mother - have we had that category on MN yet?) and she is (rightly) pissed off on your behalf that your mum has shown you no support whatsoever but is now swanning in to take the glory and making it all about her.

I think your DH is right, hormones do have a lot to answer for right now - but it's your mum you should be upset with if anyone.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and on having a caring MIL - sounds like you can rely on her to help you out.

Congratulations on the arrival of your DS, OP.

But I agree that you are angry at the wrong people here. That was a goady email that your mother sent. Your DH probably needed to vent to someone too. Also, I don't think your MIL was disparaging about your mother actually - what did she say about her, that she only turns up for special events (kodak moments)? The two things that you have mentioned don't seem that bad to me, tbh.

How you feel about your baby son now is how your MIL feels about her son. Your Mil hasn't done anything wrong, your DH is allowed to talk to his mother (within reason obviously, without hurting you). You have experienced a life changing event, without support from the woman who is meant to be there for you, you are allowed to feel discombobulated. I would advise not to take it out on your DH or MIL.

Congratulations OP! Like the other posters here I think your MIL didn't do anything wrong, we are all guilty of saying bad things about others when we think we are in private. TBH your MIL sounds exactly right in her opinion of your DM! I get that you feel betrayed by your DH sharing things that you thought were private, you need to make sure he respects your privacy in future but he is probably angry at your DM as well and I don't really blame him for sharing his feelings with someone close - his own DM. Try to let this go and focus on your wonderful new baby :)

Your MIL sounds like she really cares for you. Be gentle with yourself and her. And enjoy these precious days with you're new baby. Take care

I'm worried I'm at risk of sounding sexist/dismissive here but... could some of your reaction be hormonal? My milk came in three days after giving birth and I was massively emotional. Your mils comment didn't sound great but to be fair you haven't been on the best of terms with your mum so there is a background for it. Your dh confiding in his mother that you've found her unsupportive is not difficult to understand either. Things are not ideal but if hormones are playing a factor, maybe give it a couple of days and see how you feel then.