To want to shout "THIS is why I have to work" !!

[Blueskyblue]

I've recently returned to work after having DS. I work compressed hours, four days a week so that I get a day at home with my son. DH works full time, DS in nursery.

Like many people, I agonised over the decision to put DS into nursery, reading things about how bad it is for them before the age of 3. I also (stupidly) read stories and comments on the Daily Fail about working mums and have had a few comments and raised eyebrows from people at work.

This week, the following has happened:

• Someone crashed into my husbands car. It's only a crappy runaround but he needs it to drop DS at nursery and get to work on time. The car was virtually worthless so we've had to shell out for another car and will likely not get anything from the insurance

• Two days later the boiler finally packed up. It's been on it's last legs for ages but we hoped we'd get another winter out of it. There goes another £2k

• This morning the washing machine blew up, pretty much. Waiting for our plumber friend to come round but it looks like we need a replacement

I could cry. I can't believe what a shitty week this has been. The only saving grace is that we have just enough saved to cover these things, and with us both working, we can replenish our savings. Without the option of doing that, I think I'd be a stressed out, emotional wreck waiting for the next thing to happen.

This is in no way a veiled dividing thread pitting SAHP and WOHP's against each other, but when I hear people saying 'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry.

Why is it also always assumed that mothers only work if they would otherwise starve? I actually like my career. It's interesting and fulfilling. I studied and worked for many years to get to where I am. That didn't change when kids came along.

Yanbu.

But both sides are slated equally imo.

I say that as a LP who has to work FT as I'm the only possible income - yet I still get benefits comments angled in my direction.

There's a common misconception single working parents get benefits AND a wage

Why is it also always assumed that mothers only work if they would otherwise starve? I actually like my career. It's interesting and fulfilling. I studied and worked for many years to get to where I am. That didn't change when kids came along.

This is a good point. Whilst me and dp both work full time because we have to, if it came to one of us dropping hours it would be him not me. I love my job and worked bloody hard to get it.

I get the 'selfish parent' comments from MIL and her Sisters who think I'm a terrible parent for choosing to work. I'd go mad if I didn't.

When I had a year off after having DS2 MIL would comment and judge any time I spent money, as though I was frittering away DH's hard-earned income (selectively forgetting that I was on paid maternity leave as a teacher).

What it taught me was that you can't win whatever you do. You'll never please anyone else with your parenting choices and no matter what you do as a woman, a man will never be treated the same way for doing the same thing; when DH 'babysits' while I'm out MIL will say "oh he's so good" as though it's an olympic feat of endurance for a grown man who runs his own company to spend an evening with his own children. But when he works away for weeks on end and I pick up everything, work full time and still manage to keep them alive nobody says "ooh she's so good". No equality at all.

When I was pregnant I was open about the fact that I would be returning to work and not reducing hours. I had a number of comments about how I'd change my mind and it's different after the baby is born. Even after I pointed out that it didn't matter what I wanted, I couldn't afford to give up work or reduce hours.

Only seen the thing about holidays/second cars etc online. We only have holidays if it's with family and we have one of car my husbands granddad gave us. We need it because of the hours DH works.

July was a terrible month for us this year. After nine years our washing machine stopped working, we had a large vet bill (and no cat at the end of it ) and had to get a new car seat.

I'm surprised at the posters who've never heard these types of comments tbh. Ok, people generally won't say directly "oh you only work to pay for expensive phones" or whatever but have people never heard:

• Well of course nowadays people expect to have a foreign holiday every year and all the latest gadgets
• We cut our cloth to our measure in my day
• We just lived within our means (implication being you clearly don't )

All said in the context of discussion about working mothers. I've heard it a lot and ok those comments have been more from my mother's generation who were raising families at a time when one not huge income could support a family, but even on MN (again in the context of WOHM or not) I've often read:

• I/my children are not very materialistic
• children don't need lots of stuff

Really there's a constant implication that mothers work because they and their families want unnecessary luxuries. With "unnecessary" decided by those commenting of course!

Lucky you if you haven't heard/read it though because the amount of eye rolling I do is exhausting

I tell people I work ft to fund my lavish lifestyle.

It's what they want to hear and it usually shuts them up.

It's no one's damn business op. You could work because you love your career and want to advance; you could work to purely keep the roof over your head.

Every man and his dog has an opinion and most lack insight ; we can all only do the best we can and hope we have made the best choice.

This is very well put. I simply don't understand why so many people seem to interpret someone making a different choice from them as some sort of personal slight. Everyone is different and has different circumstances. You're uniquely placed to judge your own.

WhooooAmI24601

OMG I had the exact MIL and SIL attack on me on Sunday! I'm a teaching assistant and just finished a degree whilst the last year was whilst I was pregnant, now on maternity leave and "why would I want to go back to work to pay for someone else to look after my children when I could go and do nights in a supermarket and look after my own children in the day time" ermmm because 1. when would I sleep 2. my children would end up hating me anyway due to lack of sleep 3. I've just done a degree (to which the reply was "well we know that") 4. because I don't want to 5. because my children will benefit from nursery in different ways

I felt so attacked it was awful il

I had to go back after maternity leave, would have liked longer off and found it really hard.

I also tormented myself by reading all the negative stuff about sending a child to nursery before the age of 3 and put up with comments along the lines of "oh I couldn't put mine in nursery" (ironically said by a colleague with no children who did precisely that when hers came along )

10 years on it's worked out well for us, I've managed to keep up with my hard fought for career, 2 incomes help and the DC are happy and doing well. I got in after a rubbish day at work a few weeks ago and announced I was going to give it all up and stay at home, they were genuinely horrified and said noooo mum you'd hate it, you like to work.

It's swings and roundabouts, I know women who've stayed at home and it was the right decision for them but it's also the right decision to go back sometimes and if that it is because you like working then that should be more than ok as well.

I have to say these type of threads make me very glad my children are now adults. There's so much angst and guilt flying around.... honestly, if you love and care for your children, instil positive values, and provide good quality care (whether that's by yourself as a LP, with two parents or with parents plus other childcare) ... that's what matters. And of course there are all sorts of other variables such as the child's natural personality which will help shape them, but seriously, whether you work, or stay at home until they're 18, is not the be all and end all. If there were any clear, indisputable evidence that working or not working resulted in better outcomes, we'd know about it by now, because us working mums have been around a while. There isn't.

I would never claim that being a WOHM was 'better' for my children... I think it was just as good as if I'd been a SAHM, that's all. Of course there were other advantages for me in terms of my career, opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have had (not forgetting salary and pension too!) but as far as my kids are concerned, I'm sure they'd be equally fine if I'd given up work

Again, it all boils down to whatever you choose, someone will think you are Wrong.

So stop worrying about what all the Someones out there think or say and just do what works for you and what feels right for you.