To want to shout "THIS is why I have to work" !!

[Blueskyblue]

I've recently returned to work after having DS. I work compressed hours, four days a week so that I get a day at home with my son. DH works full time, DS in nursery.

Like many people, I agonised over the decision to put DS into nursery, reading things about how bad it is for them before the age of 3. I also (stupidly) read stories and comments on the Daily Fail about working mums and have had a few comments and raised eyebrows from people at work.

This week, the following has happened:

• Someone crashed into my husbands car. It's only a crappy runaround but he needs it to drop DS at nursery and get to work on time. The car was virtually worthless so we've had to shell out for another car and will likely not get anything from the insurance

• Two days later the boiler finally packed up. It's been on it's last legs for ages but we hoped we'd get another winter out of it. There goes another £2k

• This morning the washing machine blew up, pretty much. Waiting for our plumber friend to come round but it looks like we need a replacement

I could cry. I can't believe what a shitty week this has been. The only saving grace is that we have just enough saved to cover these things, and with us both working, we can replenish our savings. Without the option of doing that, I think I'd be a stressed out, emotional wreck waiting for the next thing to happen.

This is in no way a veiled dividing thread pitting SAHP and WOHP's against each other, but when I hear people saying 'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry.

My son is streets ahead of many other children we know in confidence, language and social skills - and he eats more veg. What's not to like.

That's not nursery that's doing that. I know plenty of children who spend full days at nursery from similar ages who are distinctly average. I also know plenty of children to SAHPs who are like your son.

OP I gave up work when our kids were born.

I wanted to be a SAHM.
We lived in rented accommodation. OH worked.
We had no car. Landlord was responsible for the boiler. Washing machine was second hand - cost us £40 at an auction, actually lasted 10 years.

Choices.

@speakout those are all very valid choices but you are making some assumptions about circumstances. I live in a tiny village, no buses and no shops in walking distance so if I want a pint of milk I need the car. My partner works 12 hour shifts and I am on my own entirely when he is at work, closest family is 70 miles away. Yes it's a "choice" to have 2 cars but not one that is always easy to make.

OP I am back at work 2 days a week, my son is 3 months old. I go into the office on days my partners shifts allow him to be at home during the week. If we are lucky we get a day when we are all off at the weekend but the last 2 weeks we have not. There was a previous thread about disposable income each month - on mat leave pay ours was negative so not going back was not an option!

My sister on the other hand gave up work when she had her kids and never went back - the youngest one's 10 now - and I've never been anything but happy and respectful of her choice. Different strokes for different folks and either way you'll find support on here

Every parent what ever their circumstances has doubts about their provision for their children. It's normal to be reflective.

mujos- as you say different strokes.

When our first child was born we lived in the city, an elegant Georgian apartment, big mortgage, requiring two salaries.

It was very important to us that our child was not put into day care.

So we sold, moved into the country, OH used buses to work, and we rented a tiny cottage so we could afford for me not to work.

Choices.

Sorry you've had such a bad week

'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry.

I've never heard anyone say this though.

Everything Everything happens at once doesn't it. I hope next week is better. I comforted myself when I went back to work by reading that there wasnt much evidence that having a working mum had an impact on children health or education but lots of evidence about the negative impact of poverty. So I think doing everything you can to keep out of poverty is doing the best for your child. It's just so sad that these days two working parents can still mean achild in poverty. So please keep working in a job that means you can save a little for these sorts of disasters.

I have been told some of these things. Many of the older ladies I work with are horrified that I am returning to work full time, they can’t understand why I would return full time when I can “just” go part time. I don’t know if it’s a generation thing and in theirs it was the norm to leave work and stay at home once you had children but it’s definitely not the norm these days!

I have been told that I shouldn’t have had a child if I wasn’t going to be there for them, that I am putting myself first, that if I just cut back we could afford for me to stay at home....

Nope! I am the higher earner, I need to go back full time! It’s not so I have money to splash out on things like holidays and gadgets it’s so we can afford to pay the mortgage!

women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry

I work PT and I've had comments like that - I also get them from people who work FT: condescending comments from school staff (the irony!) and a school mum who is very sneery and thinks she is the only parent in the world to ever have worked FT. Can't win. I am in awe of people who have the time to care about what others do, and to tell them!

Hope your repairs are not as costly as you think OP. When DH wrote his car off we thought we'd get nothing as the market value would have been a few hundred- we got almost £1k from the insurance so wait and see!

It's fine to work, whatever your reasons are, even if you didn't need to financially.

I really hate the line "if you tightens your belts you could stay at home with your kid"
Yes, I could. But I don't fucking want to!! Being a SAHM was the most soul destroying thing I've ever done and I will never do it again!

Join the club!

I'm very recently back at work after maternity leave. In the past week we've had to fork out on a new oven, washing machine and the boiler is also about to be changed (on its last legs and don't think we'll get another Winter out of it - had it fixed, which cost a fortune, but still not good!!).

@speakout when ds was born with were £15k in negative equity, so not a choice to sell. To rent for us would be the same to pay a mortgage. We couldn't live on one salary, even renting and using buses. We couldn't pay the basics.

However lucky that your one salary must be quite substantial that you were able to make that choice.

Oh, and about working mum comments, I've not had any directly but a couple of "I'm not working because it's not fair on the children. They need their mummy around" comments. I usually smile, and then ignore! Especially when one of the comments comes from someone who puts their children in nursery several days a week anyway.

Everyone does what they think is best at the time. WOH or SAHP for a variety of complicated and individual reasons. And I agree that we all remember the criticism aimed at our particular group.

OP sorry to hear that you have had such a rubbish week. But glad that you've got it under control!

I could have been the FT mum at school OhtoblazeswithElvira. But only because I was the only FT mum in the class of my dc and the school seemed incapable of communicating with parents who didn't do a school run! So I used to moan about that!

You are fighting a figment of your own imagination, I have never ever heard anyone say mums only work to buy expensive phones etc.

Maybe you are feeling judged in your head, but in reality nobody really cares

That's what I always find, anyway

Not really the point of the thread, but we've always managed to fix our washing machine ourselves with the help of YouTube and Espares.
One of you needs to be strong though (to turn it) and the other have small hands (because they are fiddly). Or you could be a strong smaller handed person I suppose, but this is a real husband-and-wife team effort job.

We've changed seals, filters, brushes....all sorts. Electrics might be a step too far though.

We really find out how much equality women have when we have children don't we. Children are always the women's responsibility, and we have to do everything at once and naturally everything we do is wrong.

I think there's an attempt to force women back into dependent sahm positions at the moment as well, because naturally women are also to blame for the falling number of decent jobs and the rising cost of housing too (I am a sahm before anyone gets defensive, costs dictated it but I am aware of financial vulnerability).

Ignore, ignore, ignore. And support other women when they have kids because it is bloody hard.

What a shitty week, OP! I really feel for you! As a PP has said, the upshot is that a new boiler should save you money on your gas bills... Also, it would have been so much worse if it had packed up later on in the year when it's much colder.

Don't feel bad about your choices, your doing what is right for you and your family. I was a SAHM for 2 years and getting back in to work was so bloody hard. It took me so long to find a good job and I am now not going to let it go.

You are doing a brilliant job!

I went back to work when mine was still very little (I'm not going to say how young but ill hazard a guess much younger than yours) partly through necessity, partly through pressure from my then partner who was taking a PhD. I still feel guilty about that, as I know actually mine was too young and resentful about the time I missed at home. BUT now that I am finally separating from my partner (who now earns much more than I do) and Thank god I kept working. Things have turned really nasty and I'm watching my savings vanish but I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have those savings to spend (and frankly breaking free would be worth it at twice the price) so yes, on balance I'm glad I kept working even though to be honest I'm the personality type that likes playing endless games of shops, cutting and sticking etc

Also, don't forget, even if you manage to walk the tightrope between lazy stay at home mother and neglectful working mother, there are loads of other things you can be criticized for.... ignoring your child when they are at soft play, helicopter parenting your child when they are at soft play, glancing at your iPhone when out with them, performance parenting.... so many choices.

I'm on maternity leave atm, one thing after another keeps happening to us aswell, we're just scraping by until I go back to work I have to work as we wouldn't have any money for food or anything after bills I'd love nothing more than being a SAHM! times are just different now unless your DP is earning a lot of money it's not easy being a SAHM

Also, relying on one income is riskier in that, if one parent loses their job, then there is much less of a safety net. But of course that depends on the kind of job the working parent has - some are much more secure than others, and on savings/assets etc. so it's really hard to make snap judgements on other parents.

I returned to work after having first child as quite frankly we would have starved without my salary .My husband was told by one of his colleagues (female) that I should only work if my mother would look after our child. As she had died many years before and had regrettably stayed dead we had no choice but to take DC to nursery . Every man and his dog has an opinion and most lack insight ; we can all only do the best we can and hope we have made the best choice. In this day and age 2 incomes are often necessary and even if that is not the case it is YOUR choice and no-one else should comment. I still feel cross with the stupid woman, I miss my mum still and did not need her hurtful comment. I don't suppose she had a clue how much it hurt to know my mum never saw her grandchildren ( all 10 of them). hope next week is much better for you.