To want to shout "THIS is why I have to work" !!

[Blueskyblue]

I've recently returned to work after having DS. I work compressed hours, four days a week so that I get a day at home with my son. DH works full time, DS in nursery.

Like many people, I agonised over the decision to put DS into nursery, reading things about how bad it is for them before the age of 3. I also (stupidly) read stories and comments on the Daily Fail about working mums and have had a few comments and raised eyebrows from people at work.

This week, the following has happened:

• Someone crashed into my husbands car. It's only a crappy runaround but he needs it to drop DS at nursery and get to work on time. The car was virtually worthless so we've had to shell out for another car and will likely not get anything from the insurance

• Two days later the boiler finally packed up. It's been on it's last legs for ages but we hoped we'd get another winter out of it. There goes another £2k

• This morning the washing machine blew up, pretty much. Waiting for our plumber friend to come round but it looks like we need a replacement

I could cry. I can't believe what a shitty week this has been. The only saving grace is that we have just enough saved to cover these things, and with us both working, we can replenish our savings. Without the option of doing that, I think I'd be a stressed out, emotional wreck waiting for the next thing to happen.

This is in no way a veiled dividing thread pitting SAHP and WOHP's against each other, but when I hear people saying 'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry.

Almost everyone I know worked as soon as they had their babies. We don’t have very good maternity leave here in the U.S. and it is a two income society here (meaning it is hard to live in one income so single moms can’t afford to stay home at all)

But their kids turned out wonderful

You can replace the washing machine for cheap via Gumtree or discount 'refurb' shops.

We could have managed on DHs salary and me working PT, but I took a FT job for the career prospects. Then DH got made redundant!

I agree with the pp who advised to use stock phrases.
Mine is "I am not interested in your opinion, or in this opportunity to debate my life choices"

I also agree with freecycle for WM - it saved us a couple of time

I get this too. Mainly from DH's school friends (he went to boarding school), and both of our families. They see my job as an amusing hobby, and isn't DH simply wonderful for indulging me and letting me play at having a job.

I earn 30% more than DH does, and work in a pretty senior role. Plus I'm in a much better pension scheme than him. We simply couldn't afford our lifestyle without the money I earn.

People may have opinions but I'm sure you've heard the saying: opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and do remember that often when people are criticising others it's really a way of justifying their own decisions to themselves.

I can honestly say I have never felt any guilt about having children and a full time job. Yes I was nervous and worried about how they'd settle when I went back to work after maternity leave but I don't feel guilt. DH and I made a conscious decision that we would both work. We want the financial security and we want to be able to give our DC opportunities we didn't have.

We could get by on one income but that really would be just getting by. There would be little left over after all the basics were covered and a knackered boiler or appliance would cause a lot of stress! With both of us working we and our DC have a comfortable lifestyle, luxuries, savings etc. These are things that are important to us, other people might have a different opinion and that's fine too. We're all just trying to do what's right for our families and we're not obliged to justify ourselves to others.

DD went to nursery FT at 5.5 months, and DS at 7 months. They are now 13 and 11, and don't seem to have suffered any ill effects.

You need to develop a thicker skin and not take other peoples comments about their decisions or their opinions so personally. There isn't a handbook for the perfect way to raise a child, everyone does their best in their circumstances.

My SIL was a SAHM for her dd because she couldn't put her in a nursery/institution, she wanted to be there for her and thought it was important to be a full time mum, her dh had to work longer hours and only saw dd at weekends. I put ds into nursery at 7 months old and me and dh both worked compressed hours because I needed/wanted to work for me and also I thought nursery would give him contact with other children and develop better social skills, dh spent a day a week alone with his infant son which I thought was a priority. At no point did I think my SIL's opinions which she voiced honestly and were completely opposite to mine were a personal slight, and I'm pretty sure she didn't think mine were either.

Do you know what, both kids survived and are pretty similar regardless of the different choices their parents made.

Very true, weallhavewings.

My children are all adults now and are happy, well adjusted, successful people. As they no doubt would have been if I'd been a SAHM. The bonus for me is that I've been able to retain a good career which would have been very unlikely if id stopped working for years.

There is no one way which is 'better' and if you think your children are going to turn out 'better' than anyone else's because of the choice you make, you stand to be disappointed!

This is why I stayed home. Cost too much to work and dh earned above the threshold for tc. I wouldn't assume anyone does anything other than what fits best for their family.

Meh. My oldest is 11. Since I've had him I've worked full time, part time and been a SAHM. And had negative comments about all 3. Some people just like to do you down.

Each to their own but I am in agreement that when both parents work disasterous weeks such as the one you have just experienced don't continue to be burdensome in terms of financial impact. I chose to go back to work because I have an actual career I didn't want to break from, I am lucky I could have stayed at home but actually I didn't want to and I think some people cannot get their heads around this. By returning to work you not only can negotiate situations like what you have experienced but you also retain financial independence ..it is most certainly not to have the latest smart phone (just so baby can drool on smash screen etc..) stay as you are op ignore the nasty comments. Be kind to yourself its right for you and that's all that matters.

Main reason for SAHM's in my area was that the kind of jobs they could get wouldn't cover the cost for the childminder. Not exactly a life choice either.

If working helps, then bloody do it! I worked part-time when mine were little and always wished I could have afforded to work more.

What Barbarian said.

Whatever you do will be wrong.

I've been a WOHP and a SAHP and both attract criticism. Which is ridiculous, isn't it? People just like to be nasty unfortunately.

My DC are very happy with me being home full time. But they are no more or less happy than friends who are cared for by a nanny, or who go to after school club.

I try and look at it the following way: no one has everything, and everyone misses out on something. So you could argue that a child in daycare or after school club is missing out on being a home with a parent. You could, equally, argue that a child at home with a parent is missing out on the experience of being in daycare or after school club.

Same goes for the parent: the WOHP misses out on time at home, the SAHP misses out on time in a career. Everyone makes the decision that's best for them and their circumstances. Everything is a compromise.

But let's face it, if they are happy and supported and spending time with people who enjoy spending time with them, children will flourish.

Sorry you've had such a shit week op.

We've had our (admittedly expensive) Miele washing machine 16 years - changed the rubber around the drum twice. Worth the money £ per use.

Sorry you've had such a spectacularly expensive week, OP!

The thing is though, that you would be criticised by SOMEONE, whatever choice you make.

The adage: "Women! Remember your place - in the WRONG" applies here. You cannot get it right for all the people, all the time - someone will always feel that they have the right to tell you (because you are a woman) that you are doing it Wrong and will cause Damage to your Children and probably Marriage as well. It comes entirely from their own views on the world, and whether they did it the same or differently from you - but you cannot hope to be exempt from it because too many people think they have a right to comment, purely because you Are A Woman.

when I hear people saying 'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home

I have never in all my life heard anyone say anything like that!!

FYI we all work because we need the money. sorry you've had a bastard of a week. I've been there. It sucks, but that's life. At least you have savings to cover it all.

*when I hear people saying 'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry

I've genuinely never heard anyone say that

I work and don't have the latest phone, big tv or foreign holidays. Do it to maintain some financial independence. Not only that but I think me and dh would feel vulnerable if only dh worked.

GraceFlorick are you on the right thread? I think your comment is against what the OP states; that women only need to work to pay for the holidays etc.

MN posters tend to be more against SAHPs as it's a patriarchal conspiracy; stopping us reaching the top of a career ladder after taking years off work.

There will always be judgy people. Ignore them.

Sorry you've had a shit week but like you said, luckily, you aren't deciding between food anf fixing your appliances or car.

Why won't you get anything from the other person's insurance?

You know what, I’ve only ever had one person criticise me for going back to work, or ask me questions about why I did. She was also in the presence of another working Mum, and everything for very defensive!

Anyway, I digress.

I totally hear where you are coming from. I still work because I love my job and having my own cash, but also cos it means we have more security. Right after I went back to work, DP lost his job. We were lucky that I could cover most things, and we also had savings. Savings are gone now though :(

*got not for

It’s too early

I have worked since DS was 4 months and he went to nursery from 11 months. I work because it is my own business and I am the main breadwinner. It is also a key part of my identity. Whoever told you or wrote that nursery before 3 is bad for children is a wanker. My son is streets ahead of many other children we know in confidence, language and social skills - and he eats more veg. What's not to like.