To want to shout "THIS is why I have to work" !!

[Blueskyblue]

I've recently returned to work after having DS. I work compressed hours, four days a week so that I get a day at home with my son. DH works full time, DS in nursery.

Like many people, I agonised over the decision to put DS into nursery, reading things about how bad it is for them before the age of 3. I also (stupidly) read stories and comments on the Daily Fail about working mums and have had a few comments and raised eyebrows from people at work.

This week, the following has happened:

• Someone crashed into my husbands car. It's only a crappy runaround but he needs it to drop DS at nursery and get to work on time. The car was virtually worthless so we've had to shell out for another car and will likely not get anything from the insurance

• Two days later the boiler finally packed up. It's been on it's last legs for ages but we hoped we'd get another winter out of it. There goes another £2k

• This morning the washing machine blew up, pretty much. Waiting for our plumber friend to come round but it looks like we need a replacement

I could cry. I can't believe what a shitty week this has been. The only saving grace is that we have just enough saved to cover these things, and with us both working, we can replenish our savings. Without the option of doing that, I think I'd be a stressed out, emotional wreck waiting for the next thing to happen.

This is in no way a veiled dividing thread pitting SAHP and WOHP's against each other, but when I hear people saying 'women' (never men!) only work because they want the latest phones, big TVs and foreign holidays and if we all just tightened our belts we could stay at home, I just want to scream/cry.

OP, that's such shit luck, I'd be crying too (actually, I did, when I got a small redundancy payment after years of being skint, and within 6 weeks I had to spend it on a new boiler and a new washing machine). Hopefully, you won't have to think about replacing anything else costly for a good long while now.

People who criticise "working mothers" are arseholes, frankly. With everything, especially housing, being so expensive, most families have to have 2 incomes to make ends meet. The Daily Mail and its fans would soon be apoplectic about "scroungers" if working parents gave up their jobs and all claimed benefits instead.

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone, either. Plenty of women would be fed up and frustrated if they stayed home and need the challenge and stimulation of working. A resentful SAHM will never be as good a parent as a happy mum, whatever their circumstances. Working compressed hours is no picnic, either, it makes for a bloody long and tiring day and ime colleagues who've done this have always worked far harder than us 5-day a week workers.

Many women work because they have to, many also work because they want to. I work because we need two incomes and I want to. But it is more than just paying the bills every month. My job gives us (and therefore our child) a degree of security. For example paid sick leave, so even if I were badly ill we have a good safety net. My death in service benefit is good, so I don't need to pay for additional life insurance. We will rely on my pension when we're retired, and also the company share scheme. So there is a lot more that we get from my job than just the cash at the end of the month, especially important now the welfare state seems to be on the way out. As many people point out nobody levels this shit at fathers! OP, don't worry about nursery - most nursery children grow up to be perfectly happy, well adjusted children, you read all sorts but actually I have never seen any hard evidence of damage (of course some nurseries are no doubt better than others). My own child struggled to begin with, the first few months were grim but then she was perfectly happy. Like you I had one day a week off, and now she's at school I work a slightly shortened week (32 instead of 37.5 hrs) and take additional unpaid leave to help with holidays. Over the course of the year it works out at about 80% of full time hours. I hope you can find a way of working that suits you, and ignore the commenters!

What a shitty week. I can fully sympathise, last year whilst on maternity leave we had the boiler, washer and fridge all go within a week of each other then a pissing vet bill on top of it. I thought it would do me in the stress of it.

As for the getting shit for working... you're damned if you do and damned if you don't I think. No one judges men for this shit. I've never met anyone with young children where both parents have to work to live.
The only people i know who work to pay for holidays are semi retired and work part time.

I think you need to start thinking of your experience of WOH as a wanker-filter.

If you read publications that come out with the sort of shit you outline in your OP - stop buying them! If people around you start coming out with crap like that (my mother did, so I have some sympathy) - avoid them.

Wanker-filter. You don't need to even hear this crap. It's only purpose is to tell you the person you're talking to is an idiot and to tell you to put them in a part of your life where you never need to listen to them.

As for everything else - yes, that's a shitty week. It will improve.

Hope you have a far better weekend.

I've never met anyone with young children where both parents have to work to live.

Bloody proof read. I meant that every couple I've met are both forced to work to live.

Please don't take to heart anything you read in the Daily Fail OP. It's designed to make women feel like crap in my view. And the irony is that the women who write this garbage are probably working mothers themselves. I don't know how they live with themselves.

Equally please try not to jump on the bashing SAHMs bandwagon either. There may be many reasons people choose to do that too, which may not be apparent from the outside (people don't always tell the truth about their lives! Sometimes because they feel shame about them).

If there's one thing I'd love to happen over the next twenty years is that women no longer feel guilty or attack each other - either viciously or through smugness - about our own choices that we've made for the best reasons for ourselves and our families.

I hope next week goes much better for you and you feel proud for all that you do for your family.

I work so that we can have amazing holidays, nice cars and I can save for my DC’s future. I don’t have to work but I want to. These people you’ve mentioned who judge women for working when they don’t have to are knobs!

My DC isn’t going to need to take out debt to pay for university, I’ll buy her house and car.. I’m pretty sure she’ll appreciate that!

What a rubbish week.

We had a week like that last week, I've recently left work to retrain (so down to one income) and things are a bit tight...DH had more reservations than me.

In the space of one day I accidentally broke my laptop charger, the pushchair brake, and our electricity bill went up by 25%

DH had a great time telling me 'I told you so'

LivingDisgracefully "If there's one thing I'd love to happen over the next twenty years is that women no longer feel guilty or attack each other - either viciously or through smugness - about our own choices that we've made for the best reasons for ourselves and our families."

Agreed.

What a shit week. Most of us would cry at that. Sometimes you just have to try and think that things can hopefully only get better.

Take no notice of any perceived criticism, whether intentional or not. Especially take no notice of the Fail. There are no rights and wrongs, we all just have to do what works best for ourselves and our families.

Sounds like a totally shit week. We all get them once in a while, but hang on in there.

As you say in your OP, it's Daily Fail type attitudes that tell you there's something wrong with being a mum and going to work. That says it all.

It's awful when lots of practical things go wrong at once; I always end up muttering "once up a time, appliances were made to last...", thinking of my grandmother's twin tub, which lasted 35 years. The car crash is annoying, because of the having to pay for insurance premiums, as well as the costs that always go with accidents, even when they're not your fault. I compromise by never paying for extended warranties on home appliances - car insurance is not optional, but extended warranties are.

poor you what a crap week
I agree about the wanker filter, but I also think it's worth remembering that other people's arrangements may not be what they seem, or there may be more to their decisions
when our dc were little there was no CTC, no 'free' nursery places, nothing. We managed on one salary because the cost of childcare exceeded what I could earn. We DID 'make do' and I knew a thousand ways to combine red lentils and tinned tomatoes. We had a mortage (and yes, property was cheaper) but that could only happen because we had a lodger. Eventually I became a childminder (again, something I could do without paying for childcare myself).
So that might look like I was choosing to be a SAHM, but it wasn't what I had planned!

What a shit week. I hate when these things happen, they never have the good grace to spread out and let you have space to breath in between!

I've had comments about how we've "tightened our belts" so I can be a SAHM - the truth is my wage wouldn't even cover childcare, let alone travel, lunches etc. There's always somebody ready to judge no matter what you do.

When any one says anything, reply 'Do you want to ask whether my husband has gone back to work full time?' Or whatever their question is. People don't like it being pointed out that they treat women differently (although you do get some who go all Andrea Leadsom as a mother about it) and it's just assumed men carry on as normal.

BTW I went back full time and started DS in nursery when he was 9 months and he loved it and has thrived. Don't let them grind you down.

I think virtually everyone has to work these days just to get by. It's horrid when everything goes wrong at once though. WE have just had to replace our fridge freezer and the cooker needs replacing too- every time we have more than 2 rings on the electrics trip and the house is plunged into darkness. Went to switch on the heating for the first time this winter and heating won't work. We just lurch form month to month with him working full time and me doing 2 part time jobs which add up to full time. And we are nearly 50- it doesn't get much better as the kids get older ( well hasn't done for us !! )

I've been back at work FT for the past 8 years (currently on maternity leave but going back full time after 6 months in January).

I've never had anyone ask why I work full time let alone it's to suggest we buy nice things. However, that is the reason I work full time- we could afford for me or my DH to go PT but it would mean a lifestyle change and our children are not the only thing that make us happy.

Most SAHM's I know stay at home because they have 2/3 children with small age gaps and couldn't afford the childcare/wraparound or find hours to suit. My eldest is 10 and a lot of the SAHM I know with similar age children are worried and excited about returning to the workplace in equal measure.

We live in a fairly expensive part of the South East so perhaps it's different here as most houses would only be affordable with two incomes or one very large one thus big parents working is the norm.

I think the whole WOHM v SAHM feud only exists on Internet forums...

Oh for heaven's sake. It's simple. If you are a woman who has a child, you should stay at home and work. Also, you should not stay at home and not go to work. There, everyone's happy.

I'm with you op. If I didn't work dh' s salary wouldn't cover the mortgage and bills However I would probably choose to work anyhow because by the end of maternity leave I was climbing the walls. I have worked 3 days a week and ds has been at nursery since he was 13 months old. It is what works for us but people still tried to guilt trip me. Ds is now aged nearly 4, is happy and settled and thinks nursery is amazing!
It is nobody else's business whether you choose to work full time, part time or not at all, do what works for you. Sorry about your shit week.

Thanks everyone

Runrabbitrun - you're right, there is a bit of sensitivity around my choice to work and I'm maybe feeling judgement where there isn't actually any.

All the other comments, I'm adding them to my repertoire of responses if and when people do question my choices.

Washing machine looks like it can be salvaged - hallelujah!

I work because I need to pay the mortgage and feed the kids. Those people who say I work for luxuries, do they think magical mortgage elves pay for the house?

Also, I like my work and my darling children would drive me absolutely bonkers if I had to spend 24/7 with them.

The Daily Heil would hate you just as much if you were a SAHM. It hates all women of any background except for the Queen.

Shit week indeed, let's try and get some positives out of it.

Your new boiler will keep you toasty warm this winter and will save you some money on running costs.

Your washing machine kept going for 8 years! Don't expect the new one to last that long, but technology has pushed forward over the last 8 years so you may find it costs less to run, may be quicker and take a larger load.

Your salary will hopefully increase and in a couple of years your childcare costs will reduce.

The future is not looking bad... take care and don't listen to anyone who wants to judge you. We are all just trying to live the best way we can.

I've done it all in the past and your dammed if you do work and dammed if you dont to be honest, you have to do what is right by you and your family. Things such as white goods are not cheap and running a home is thousands of pounds a year ( if you add it all up) - ignore the people that dont support your decisions - you will never win so its pointless trying to get their approval. So many more people work and have families these days too. sorry its been a tough week for you though - i hope you can sort everything out soon.

Try to come up with a stock response ("fuck off" should cover it)

I think the phrase is "A mother's place is in the wrong". Just get on with what's best for you and yours OP - no one else will thank you either way. And I'm sorry about the shit week. Our (ancient) car and boiler are in cahoots too - if one kicks off the other joins in within a week, sometimes with added support from the dishwasher.