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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clothes on weekends - AIBU?

90 replies

richsam · 23/09/2017 08:55

Ok so I need to know AIBU? My SS (6) comes to stay with us every weekend. During school holidays there is no issue but during term time he comes down with his school uniform on. Usually it would not be a problem and for the the last three years he has always gone back to his BM with clothes on and his uniform (washed and ironed) back in his school bag. The issue we have is that the clothes he goes home in, we don't see again and then we find that we are always the ones buying more clothes sooner than we would need to, because they are still at BMs house. My OH then suggested we sent him back to BM with his uniform on? I opposed to this but went along with it (I felt awful! surely would be embarrassing for SS?)
As SS has got older we have suggested to him maybe in his school bag he just packs a change of clothes for a Friday that he can go home in. With him only being 6 and having lots of things to remember for school we understand that this wont happen all the time, bless him.
Does anybody else have a similar issue? We have brought the issue up with BM who says that its not fair for him to carry lots of things in his bag???
advice please.

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 08:58

Imo some exes have a car boot sale every week end with all the fucking clothes they aquire from the other dps house. .
Lost track of all the stuff never seen again over the years, the dc say they have not seen them and aren't worn again. .
Could you send back in a onesie?

StereophonicallyChallenged · 23/09/2017 08:58

Try speaking to his mother if that's who he lives with when not visiting you??

BM is really offensive by the way...

MrTrebus · 23/09/2017 09:01

In my family there is a situation similar. One parent provides everything and the other is a lazy shit who provides nothing and avoids maintenance. The first parent started sending her kids to her ex in the last clothes he bought them, even if they were slightly too small. They were just house to car to house so No One saw them so no embarrassment but it got the point across that they would no longer be providing clothes and highlighted that he only bought them clothes once a year on their birthdays! He soon started buying a few bits especially since the 10 year old started to notice clothes were a bit too small! They are all mainly from Primark because he doesn't want to spend much but it's better than nothing!! (Disclaimer I love Primark but just showing how little he wants to spend even though he can well afford it)

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 23/09/2017 09:01

Just pick up a load of cheap tracksuit bottoms and t- shirts.
Is it a Sunday you would be sending him home in uniform? If so that's really cruel

MaisieDotes · 23/09/2017 09:02

What do you mean, BM? Birth mother or biological mother?

She's his mother, yes?

Your stepson's parents should speak to each other and come to an arrangement about this.

MrTrebus · 23/09/2017 09:02

What does bm stand for then?! I read it as "boys mother"

ponzi · 23/09/2017 09:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

flumpybear · 23/09/2017 09:03

I would just speak to the BM and ask she packs a change of clothes - perhaps it's a way to get new
Clothes out of you?

ReinettePompadour · 23/09/2017 09:04

We had the same problem. For years we lost clothes every week and spent a fortune buying new for every weekend. Eventually I snapped and refused to send the school uniform home to BM. She got the idea very quickly and sent clothes back from then on. Hmm

I have no suggestions really. Obviously my method was a little excessive but the constant replacing of clothes was driving me up the wall and too close to my overdraft for my liking.

CaffeineBomb · 23/09/2017 09:05

You or your DH need to speak to her. It doesn't need to be confrontational just a polite can you send him back with the clothes we send we're starting to run out should do it.

Echoing others who have said BM is offensive, she is his mother full stop

Chasingsquirrels · 23/09/2017 09:07
  • go back in uniform (wouldn't be my preferred option).
  • pick up a replacement set of clothes from mum's house when dropping him off (saves him having to carry stuff to school etc, and he can then wear that stuff the following Sunday and go home in it).
  • change arrangements so that he stays Sunday night and goes to school from yours on Monday, then no issue.

Clothes are only an issue if one or both parties are using them as a control mechanism. Don't be that person. If the other parent is that person it's hard.

I've had times when I've been pissed off at never seeing a particular item of clothing again, I'm sure exH has felt the same. But generally the kids have clothes at both houses and we just swap when needed.

Threenme · 23/09/2017 09:09

How is bm offensive? She is indeed the boy's mother, birth mother, biological mother? So how can any be offensive!

TheHungryDonkey · 23/09/2017 09:10

My daughter comes home in clean uniform on a Sunday. She changes out of dad clothes into her uniform to come home. Doesn't bother me or her and avoids her dad getting petty over a pair of cheap leggings.

Original poster
richsam · 23/09/2017 09:12

Usually I wouldn't be bothered as they are his clothes, it didn't matter whos house they were in but its got to the point that whatever clothes we send back in, we don't get back or if we do get back then its weeks or months later and SS has outgrown them. We have spoken to BM a number of times, who says its not fair to carry clothes around in his school bag (but I'm assuming school bag stays on a peg and is not carried around all day, only 6years old). It sounds ridiculous but starting to come between me and my OH, i can feel myself becoming annoyed when SS arrives in uniform and no clothes to go home in. I know its neither of their faults but I'm also starting to feel how much clearer does it need to be for BM to put a tshirt and trousers in bag for going home day?
SS did go home in PJs once (when unwell) but we didnt see those again either.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 23/09/2017 09:14

Does BM mean birth mother? She's his mother surely unless you've adopted him?

They're only clothes just buy some from Asda, kids clothes are so cheap. Imagine sending a wee boy home in his uniform.

Chasingsquirrels · 23/09/2017 09:15

So - as you hand over the uniform ask for a set of clothes. If she says no then next week don't take back the uniform.

It's petty, but it needs resolution as buying new clothes every (or every other) week isn't sustainable.

Redken24 · 23/09/2017 09:16

Buy a clothes bundle of eBay if your son concerned about cost. It's clothes who cares!

ReinettePompadour · 23/09/2017 09:16

Threenme Im guessing they find BM offensive because he only has 1 mother and no distinction is required from their point of view. Confused

My ds who is my step son got extremely upset at me referring to him as being my 'step son'. He didn't want to be different to his siblings. He was devastated by the thought that I saw him as different and not as my son. I've always called him my son since then. He calls me his Mum. I would refer to his mum as BM/birth mother because thats who she is.

Redken24 · 23/09/2017 09:16

So*

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 09:23

why is BM offensive, when DM is not? Confused

I am not a fan of acronym, sometimes you have no idea what OPs are talking about with DS: sister, son, (and MN use DS for Down's syndrome too) but BM is just that, an acronym

BarbRoyle · 23/09/2017 09:23

BM is really offensive by the way...
Some people are very easily offended Hmm

PlasticPatty · 23/09/2017 09:25

When you take him back, ask that he gets changed into clothes he has at home so you can take his weekend outfit back with you.

Purplemac · 23/09/2017 09:25

Happens a lot to us during school holidays when DSD is back and forth. Not a problem during term time as all contact is arranged around school times so if we pick DSD up from school during the week we take her the next morning, and when we pick her up on a Friday we take her to school on Monday. So school clothes go back and forth but she always comes with a set and leaves with a set so it balances out.

During school holidays we just have to do swaps every few weeks as he comes to us in clothes from his mum and vice versa.

Surely if your DSS gets dropped off in clothes from yours, that's when you ask for the clothes he wore last time? Or drop him off and ask him to get changed once he is home so you can take the clothes straight back with you. It's a faff and his mum (not BM btw, shes his mum!) might not like it but if shes not giving you his clothes back its the only way.

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 23/09/2017 09:26

I can understand you being annoyed if you had bought them but surely his dad buys the clothes? If he isn't bothered then why are you? Why can't he have a separate bag of clothes for the weekend anyway - there must be other things he brings with him surely? Some schools are happy to keep bags to hand over, others not. But can't the adults hand over a bag of clothes at drop-off?

19lottie82 · 23/09/2017 09:27

Why is it "cruel" to send him home in his uniform, if his Mother refuses to send him to stay with a change of clothes?

It seems a more sensible option than having to buy him a new outfit every week and never see it again!

Ask his mother to pack a change of clothes and if she doesn't, send him home in his uniform, I doubt the lad will be scarred for life!

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