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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Clothes on weekends - AIBU?

90 replies

richsam · 23/09/2017 08:55

Ok so I need to know AIBU? My SS (6) comes to stay with us every weekend. During school holidays there is no issue but during term time he comes down with his school uniform on. Usually it would not be a problem and for the the last three years he has always gone back to his BM with clothes on and his uniform (washed and ironed) back in his school bag. The issue we have is that the clothes he goes home in, we don't see again and then we find that we are always the ones buying more clothes sooner than we would need to, because they are still at BMs house. My OH then suggested we sent him back to BM with his uniform on? I opposed to this but went along with it (I felt awful! surely would be embarrassing for SS?)
As SS has got older we have suggested to him maybe in his school bag he just packs a change of clothes for a Friday that he can go home in. With him only being 6 and having lots of things to remember for school we understand that this wont happen all the time, bless him.
Does anybody else have a similar issue? We have brought the issue up with BM who says that its not fair for him to carry lots of things in his bag???
advice please.

OP posts:

430West · 23/09/2017 10:15

BM is incredibly offensive, irrespective of what you think OP.

I am a stepmother myself and would never dream of saying such an inflammatory thing.

user1493413286 · 23/09/2017 10:17

I haven’t really got a solution but we have the exact same issue and it winds me up. I tend to make she goes back in clothes that have been worn several times at ours or that are on the way to being too small like sending DSD back in age 5 clothes as she’s coming up to her sixth birthday so it’s not that they’re too small but won’t then be used for ages.
I’m hoping as she gets older she’ll have a preference for certain clothes and will want to bring them between the houses.

Fairyliz · 23/09/2017 10:18

TBh it doesn't sound like its about the clothes.
Does mum think dad isn't paying enough so this is her way of getting more out of him?
Did they have a bad break up and this is her way of getting back at him?
If he is only 6 and you OH managed to impregnate her, split up ,meet you, have a meaningful relationship so that you move in together its pretty quick.
Find out the real problem and then you can work on a solution.

Rafflesway · 23/09/2017 10:21

We used to have this many years ago when dss was very small.

DH's ex lived 150 miles from us so we used to have dss during school holidays mostly. (We used to drive over for the day in between.)

Whenever he came to stay his mother would send a small, battered case full of tatty clothes which were too small. She received healthy maintenance from DH so no excuse for this. I used to have to go out and buy a week's worth of clothes, undies etc as soon as dss arrived. Finally, DH became so peed off with this happening that he started keeping all receipts and deducting these costs from his maintenance payments. (They had a private agreement.) Pleased to say that action definitely cured the issue!

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 23/09/2017 10:22

Fairliz - your last comment is not necessary and rude; you have no idea what has happened

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 10:32

BM is incredibly offensive, irrespective of what you think OP

It's offensive to YOU and some others 430West but not to me. I refer you to Stephen Fry's famous quote on the subject!

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2017 10:35

I'm assuming she gets a healthy maintenance. Send him back in some cheap casual clothes and keep the uniform. Three weeks of doing this and she will soon get the message.

ElspethTascioni · 23/09/2017 10:42

rafflesway you are describing a completely different situation! It wasn't the DM's responsibility to provide the clothes for whilst the child was in your DH's care - that was his job! Of course he should provide clothing for time spent at his house! His way of dealing with the "problem" was totally unacceptable. That poor bullied womanz

Unihorn · 23/09/2017 10:48

Fairyliz The boy is 6 years old not 6 months old. And even if he was, wtf has it got to do with you. Presumably just projecting your own issues on to the OP.

I agree with the suggestion of picking up last week's clothes at next week's dropoff. Unless there is an issue around his mother not washing them in time potentially.

melj1213 · 23/09/2017 10:51

OP YANBU - DD's dad and I have shared custody so she has a full wardrobe at both houses so if she goes to her dad's in one outfit sometimes she'll come home in the same clothes and sometimes in different stuff, but it all evens out in the end because she always ends up with the same amount of clothes at each house.

In your case your DSS is arriving in his uniform and is going home with uniform + one outfit ... it's basic common sense that if you start off with 10 outfits, if nothing comes back then after 10 weeks you have to buy him more clothes, meanwhile his mother has gained 10 extra sets of clothes, still has the initial uniform and could easily fix the issue by sending back the previous week's "coming home" outfit every week but she is choosing not to.

If your DH is dropping your DSS off at home I would just make it another part of the hand over routine to get your clothes back: DSS goes back to his mum's in his weekend clothes, DH hands over the bag with his uniform, Ex hands over the bag with his previous week's weekend clothes (and if it's not ready then be prepared to ask and wait for it), DH returns home with clothes for DSS to wear next week without needing to buy him anything new because there is nothing left for him to wear at your house.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 23/09/2017 10:52

Love people still banging on about BM, even AFTER OP has apologised.

She gets it

Purplemac · 23/09/2017 10:55

If he is only 6 and you OH managed to impregnate her, split up ,meet you, have a meaningful relationship so that you move in together its pretty quick

This is hilarious. Must be a joke right?

HolidayTimeAgain · 23/09/2017 11:00

When you take him back on a Sunday collect a change of clothes for him to wear back next time you drop him off, do this each time.

Whinesalot · 23/09/2017 11:14

Do something. Anything, but don't continue to provide clothes that you never see again.

Hilda40 · 23/09/2017 11:24

"but BM is just that, an acronym"

No it's abbreviation. Unless you read it as "boom" or similar

RB68 · 23/09/2017 12:41

Get her to make up a bag to collect the Sun night when he returns - then the following week you have an outfit to send him home in and the clothes from the prev return can be sent back with you for the following week and so on so two sets of clothes for returning home in that you collect the Sun night for the following weekend.

But I also get your point re clothes cld easily be packed up on the Fri in School as they are not traipsing round class rooms etc at that age.

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 13:29

"but BM is just that, an acronym"
No it's abbreviation. Unless you read it as "boom" or similar

I was referring to this specific forum, without going any further...
www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/09/2017 13:46

If he is only 6 and you OH managed to impregnate her, split up ,meet you, have a meaningful relationship so that you move in together its pretty quick

Projecting much?
Maybe the mother decided to use op's OH as a sperm donor without his knowledge/permission so he could fund her lifestyle choice?
Afterall, child maintenance is payable irrespective of whether you were in a relationship with the other parent or not.

Threenme · 23/09/2017 13:49

If he is only 6 and you OH managed to impregnate her, split up ,meet you, have a meaningful relationship so that you move in together its pretty quick
WTF! I've known people who do it a lot quicker

MaisieDotes · 24/09/2017 09:42

coddywomple just because something is outside the realm of your knowledge or experience, does not mean that it is insignificant to others.

"Birth mother" is a term that is applied to mothers who have given their children for adoption, where the legal mother is someone else, i.e. the adoptive mother or, you know, mother .

A "birth mother" is not the child's parent in law.

This is not the OP's situation and therefore she is using the term "birth mother" incorrectly.

Your points about MN lingo and abbreviations are irrelevant- it's the meaning of the abbreviation that matters not the abbreviation itself.

wobblywonderwoman · 24/09/2017 09:50

I certainly would send him home in the uniform - it is clean and dry and I bet the next time they will remember to send clothes

Crunchymum · 24/09/2017 09:56

Can the Dad in the situation not just ask?

HiJenny35 · 24/09/2017 10:02

Why is BM offended and SM is not? What rubbish. I'm sure some people just like to be offended. So step mum shouldn't feel like a mum to the child too? And there isn't a difference between the bm and sm? What rubbish.

AlternativeTentacle · 24/09/2017 10:12

So why can't the father just ask the mother to send some clothes back next time they get picked up?

MaisieDotes · 24/09/2017 10:13

hijenny the point is that the woman in question isn't the child's "birth mother", she his mother.

Can you grasp that?

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