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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clothes on weekends - AIBU?

90 replies

richsam · 23/09/2017 08:55

Ok so I need to know AIBU? My SS (6) comes to stay with us every weekend. During school holidays there is no issue but during term time he comes down with his school uniform on. Usually it would not be a problem and for the the last three years he has always gone back to his BM with clothes on and his uniform (washed and ironed) back in his school bag. The issue we have is that the clothes he goes home in, we don't see again and then we find that we are always the ones buying more clothes sooner than we would need to, because they are still at BMs house. My OH then suggested we sent him back to BM with his uniform on? I opposed to this but went along with it (I felt awful! surely would be embarrassing for SS?)
As SS has got older we have suggested to him maybe in his school bag he just packs a change of clothes for a Friday that he can go home in. With him only being 6 and having lots of things to remember for school we understand that this wont happen all the time, bless him.
Does anybody else have a similar issue? We have brought the issue up with BM who says that its not fair for him to carry lots of things in his bag???
advice please.

OP posts:
IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 23/09/2017 09:29

sorry but BM is offensive! She is his mother - birth mother sounds as if he has subsequently been adopted and lives elsewhere or she was a surrogate.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 23/09/2017 09:30

BM = batman Grin

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 23/09/2017 09:31

Why would batman steal your clothes though Hmm

Needalifeoverhaul · 23/09/2017 09:31

In answer to your question OP, no YANBU. This is just thoughlessness or perhaps selfishness on his Mother's part. Id be pretty annoyed too. I think you very firmly but politely need to ask for them back...if she continuingly refuses then sadly the only option would be to send him home in his uniform.

TidyDancer · 23/09/2017 09:32

Yep BM is not acceptable unless you've adopted and we're talking about the birth mother.

OP, you need to leave this to his parents to sort out.

Original poster
richsam · 23/09/2017 09:32

BM - birth mother
Threenme - I'd like to clarify that I don't think BM is being offensive,
TheHungryDonkey - that is what we have resorted to for now.
kaytee87 -yes she is his mother. he is my SS. We felt we were buying clothes for the sake of him to go home in and we'd never see again anyway.
Chasingsquirrels - thank you for your advice I think I will try that one.

Thank you everyone. Hopefully we will get it sorted, there are bigger things to worry about than childrens clothes after all!

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 23/09/2017 09:36

When dsd was younger we had the same problem, we would buy clothes, I would get her uniform ready and send her home in the clothes we got her. Nothing came back! In the end I had only pjs left for dsd and had to put my foot down. She got new clothes, again, but this time she was no longer allowed to take them back to her mums. I also changed the visitations so we could have her until Mondays with us taking her to school so she was wearing the uniform back to her mums.

Zampa · 23/09/2017 09:36

We struggled with the same problem. Expensive new clothes would go to Mummy's and we'd be left with the dirty, out-grown, hand me downs.

Things have improved as contact handover is now before and after school so children just wear uniform. However, the issues still arise during holidays or if contact times change.

I hate, hate, hate it but we do get the children changed into their uniform to go back to Mummy's. It's always laundered and they're in it for 30 minutes max. Seems so ridiculous but we can afford to lose any more clothes (even at Primark prices).

If they come in clothes from Mummy's, we make sure they're clean and washed and again they change back into them before heading home. That's less painful but still ridiculous.

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 09:37

Seriously, some people need to get a grip.

I am my children's birth mother, how can anyone be offended by that? I am their only mother (no step-mum, or STBexSM..)so there's no possible confusion,

BM Is perfectly acceptable in the context of a site where acronyms are constantly used. Either you accept acronyms, or not at all. There's nothing insulting to use BM. In this post, it's perfectly relevant and clarify the OP (which is another acronym!)

diddl · 23/09/2017 09:40

" My OH then suggested we sent him back to BM with his uniform on? "

How did that go down with his mum?

Original poster
richsam · 23/09/2017 09:42

To all
I'd like to apoligise if I have used the wrong acronyms. I've seen a lot of posts on here and assumed for BM meant biologoical/birth mother, SM (stepmother) and SS (stepson). I don't use mumsnet myself but read lots of other posts using these acronyms and have obviously got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
Smartiepants87 · 23/09/2017 09:44

Birth mother is not an acceptable term it implies that their role is considerably less especially as it is a term used in adoptive or fostering purposes. Posters deliberately used it to lessen the mothers role. You don't hear doctors or nurses saying birth mother it's just mum. Darling mother or mum is an acceptable term. You wouldn't like it if your dp was described as bio dad.

Original poster
richsam · 23/09/2017 09:47

thanks smartiepants87.

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 09:47

You don't hear doctors or nurses saying birth mother it's just mum.

no, but I don't hear them talking about DS or DD either! There's a context!
If I was divorced and remarried, it would make sense to talk about step-dad or bio dad if it's relevant, so we know which one I am talking about.
Really can't see the issue.

If you don't want acronyms, don't use them at all!

Starlight2345 · 23/09/2017 09:48

BM is used on here on many occasions in the same way as sperm donor and that is why some are offended.

At 6 I would send back in uniform too. I don't think they will care at that age.

My DS lives with me..I don't bu him a new outfit every week too loose.. Surely there are far better ways for child to benefit.

The other option is when DD drops her home, can he pick up last weeks clothes?

Smartiepants87 · 23/09/2017 09:51

The acronymns commonly used are DM DF DSis dbro DS dd DSD DSS many people find BM offensive as they would BD. I would never refer to ex as BD he is either ex or DS DF.

StereophonicallyChallenged · 23/09/2017 09:51

Yes Barb it really is! I would never refer to anyone that way unless speaking about the birth mother of an adopted child.
I think the connotation is pretty clear when used by new partners of parents.

I bet op doesn't refer to her partner as the boys birth father even if he has a step father in his mum's home!

LongWavyHair · 23/09/2017 09:52

If she's difficult about it then what else can you do?
I know this isn't the same thing but it's really annoying when my kids have been to oh's parent's and things go "missing".

BarbRoyle · 23/09/2017 09:53

Think we should loosen up on the 'offensive acronyms'. We all knew what the OP meant. Its a chat forum, not a court document Smile

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 09:54

if you are that bothered, just find an acronym for "Mother", MM would do?

5rivers7hills · 23/09/2017 10:00

People are waaaaaaaaay sensitive over BM. You have birth. You are a mother. FFS.

becotide · 23/09/2017 10:03

I'm a birth mother, I gave bbirth tomy children, therefore I'm a birth mother. Some people have too much time on their hands and limited exposure to normal grown ups, don't worry about it.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/09/2017 10:03

I think its been done deliberately to needle you. Dont let it. I think i would just send your ss back in the uniform. Whats a uniform anyway? A sweat and trousers? No big deal esp if in the car.

OverOn · 23/09/2017 10:05

A PP had the solution - pick up a replacement set of clothes from mum's house when dropping him off (saves him having to carry stuff to school etc, and he can then wear that stuff the following Sunday and go home in it).

This is what I and my DPs dad do - we swap clothes at pick-up/drop-off so there is a constant rotation between the houses.

On the BM point... she is your step-sons mum. Birth mum isn't appropriate, it implies he's been adopted out to another family and is low/no contact with his actual mum. It is ok to call her your son's DM, as that is what she is.

TweedAddict · 23/09/2017 10:11

I had this, easiest way to sort it out was to do the school run on a Monday morning and not send kids back on a Sunday evening.