To not pretend things are fine?

[Grounddown17]

To cut a long story short DH has a long history of alcohol abuse, letting me down, staying out etc etc.

He has had more second chances that the entire population of the UK have had hot dinners. 2 weeks ago I discovered he had also been taking drugs. Stupidly I let him persuade me to give things one final chance. The agreement was that he would not drink - at all.

He managed a week and a half. Then yesterday I started getting the familiar signs that he was out drinking. Not responding to messages, not answering his phone etc. He likes to pretend he is "busy in a meeting", but strangely when he is in a genuine meeting he finds time to pop out to let me know what's happening.

Anyway so he came home at 7pm and had clearly been drinking. His mother had arrived that afternoon to stay for a few days. She hasn't seen him (or the kids) for 6 months. She had been waiting for him to come home since 4pm. He came in, tried to deny he had been drinking, whilst proceeding to talk utter shit all evening. MIL had no dinner as I went upstairs and left them to it as I couldn't bear being around him. Him being drunk didn't think to offer her anything. So she ended up in tears and eating a sandwich.

This morning he wants "to talk". It was a "small slip" apparently and he should get credit for trying so hard (an entire week and a half!!). It was a business lunch and it had been planned for months!! (Bullshit, I looked at his emails it was a mate he met in the pub!).

I have told him that he has blown it. That he made the choice to have a drink, and then made the choice to carry on drinking despite knowing that a) he was risking his family and b)his mother was sat at home waiting for him. Knowing his track record she even text him begging him not to ruin the weekend when it became clear he was drinking.

He is now saying that by arguing with him in front of his mother I am going to cause her to have a heart attack and die. That she has already been sick this morning from the stress. I did point out that had he remained sober she wouldn't be witnessing any of this.

So AIBU to not go along with playing happy families until she leaves after the weekend? I've had years of this and have had to cover up the reality of his drinking for so long. I'm now refusing to do it any longer. I'm open and honest that he is an alcoholic. I'm in work, yet again, having had no sleep because of the stress and anxiety he has caused me. I can't eat and feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Should I really be pretending all is fine and ok just because his elderly mother is here??

No, she'll probably be relieved to an extent if you leave him. I wouldn't want my grandchildren around that.

If he wants to prove to you he can be sober you don't have to be there for him to do that or take him back if he does

My response to anything he said would be, 'I don't give a shit. It's over'. And I would repeat ad infinitem.

All of his promises, his accusations, his threats would receive the same response. 'I don't give a shit. It's over'.

And I'd be phoning a solicitor on Monday. He'll always blame you and nothing you can say or do will make any difference at all. Get out now.

It's hard to leave. It hard even to think about leaving. But can you at least go to Al-Anon? Some contact with people who are going through the same thing will be enormously helpful while you're trying to decide what to do.

Get your ducks in a row this weekend.

After you are separated, the kids will still have contact, but you have to protect them from a potentially drunk driving, drug taking father when he has them.
Get evidence (how do you know about the cocaine? Has he brought it into the house?) and take copies of important documents.

I don't think your MIL will understand, blood is thicker etc. and especially if she has a drinking problem she will be excellent at denial.

Wishing you all the best, and sending strength. You have to remember that you have no influence at all on his drinking. None at all. Whatever he says. You have control over your life, so stop letting him ruin it.

Please please please heed the advice here. I m watching My friend in a similar situation and it s having a massive effect on the kids and she is so controlled and brainwashed she keeps making excuses not to leave. It a such a mess. If she broke free she would have so much support yet she doesn't see it. And yes she s enabling it too in a way because she says it s his problem yet keeps taking him back.

Don't put on a front for her! She needs to see how her son is treating you. She might even be able to help as well. Hope you're okay Hun x x x

Please please leave. For your children. My dad is like your DH and my mum stayed. My childhood was horrendous. He won't change. I know leaving us hard, but staying is worse.

I also 'adored' my dad as a child and my mum used that as a reason to stay. I only thought I could love him better. I couldn't.

I've been where you are op. It got to the point where even if he sobered up and became prime minister I wouldn't have wanted to stay with him because of all that I had gone through with him. He is still drinking 10 years later, even after being hospitalised due to organ failure. It is sad.

Get support for yourself - all anon is a good start. My children are in such a good place now - I know that they and I would have been so messed up had I have stayed. Financially it was hard - I literally left with the clothes on my back and kids under 5 years but I have never looked back and wished I had stayed. I also think my kids appreciated that I left that environment and gave them a 'normal' and stable home life that was not centred around an alcoholic. With an alcoholic it was always about them.

You will find strength op - you will realise how strong you are and you and your kids will thrive when not under the cloud of alcoholism.

He will jump through all the hoops when you leave btw - go to AA etc but you need to leave him to it. You are only responsible for yourself and your children.

All the best op.

OP, I have no experience of what you are going through, but why would you want to put yourself and children through this any longer?

Please make a plan and get rid of him

I am the child of an alcoholic.

It massively affected my childhood and adulthood. I now drink rarely. 1 sibling is an alcoholic. 1 a binge eater / bulimic. 1 is probably alcoholic. 2 of the 4 of us have failed marriages. 1 is troubled. I got lovely DH and moved miles away (ironically to run a pub). In the pub I saw lives blighted by it (pub now sold partly as a result).

Get out! His Mum suffers, so does he. Next it will be your kids. Please, get out.

You need to ban him and your MIL from your house until they get help. Your DH thinks that help is for 'pussies'? No way, the 'pussies' are the ones that don't get help! It's such a hard thing to admit that you have a problem.

I had an alcohol problem that crept up on me, in my case as a crutch to cope with memories of childhood SA. It took me discovering that I had a raised liver level and going through a SS child protection plan (I asked for help myself) for me to actually take action. (It was only out of control for a short period, maybe 3 months, then I took action to turn things around.)

Your MIL is as bad as your DH basically. When she saw you weren't coping with being around him, why the hell didn't she offer to cook a meal herself rather than crying because you weren't looking after her? She's surely not helpless??

MIL wasn't crying because she wasn't being looked after. She was crying because DH came home drunk and she knows well enough that I wouldn't let it go. So she knew that she had a weekend of rows, not speaking and awkwardness ahead of her. She knew basically that her weekend with us would be ruined. Which is why she text him "please don't ruin this weekend" when I first said I suspected he was drinking.

Someone asked about the cocaine. I found texts on his phone after a night out two weeks ago. They were clearly him buying drugs. He claims he was "helping someone out" by buying it for them. Obviously I don't believe him but he still maintains it's true. I also found a text sent from his phone while he was on a weekend away with friends. He is also clearly trying to buy drugs. He "doesn't remember" sending it and swears he didn't take anything. 😒

He is honest about the fact that he has taken a lot of drugs in the past but always claimed that he hadn't in years. It's been suggested to me before that some of his behaviour sounded like drugs but I didn't think it was. Now I realise how naive I was! It explains why he can come home at 9pm and barely be able to stand some nights, while other times he can waltz in at 3am and appear totally sober despite having been in the pub since 5pm!

I've not rtft but o guess everyone is saying yanbu
If you continue as is, nothing will change.
If his mother sees how difficult you have it, you will get her backing then it will go one of 2 ways. He will buck up, get help and work on it, or he will chose drink and your marriage will be over.
Alcoholism is an awful disease and consumes people. If you go down the road of recovery with him you are in for a rocky road and you need to be prepared to take an emotional battering whilst he gets through the worst of it. Good luck op, whatever way you go, it's gonna take almighty strength on your part xx

His drinking problem is his to face. Oh he will blame you for;
Not trying
Not helping
Being nasty
Being uncaring
Not wanting to save the relationship
Not caring about the kids feelings enough
Embarrassing him in public
Making out he is an alcoholic when he just does it socially (alcoholics just drink at home, alone, didn't you know?!)
Being unfeeling
Being cold
Spoiling his fun
Causing him stress
Causing him to drink
Making his kids fear/hate him
Being the main reason why he wants a drink
Not helping him stop
not loving him enough
Revoking your wedding vows
Not giving him a chance
Not giving him support to stop
Not making him stop
Making him ill/die ditto family and friends

It's all your fault can't you see that?

You are well on the way to blocking those words but not quite there yet. You need to take the kids and go. If his mother does not see the kids after 6 months, that is his issue not yours. She can meet you all somewhere for a day out (excluding him) but that is it. Let her sort him out. Maybe it will do them both good to see where this has got them. Get him out of the house now, before this turns nastier than it already is. If he sorts himself out and it will be at least 12 months clean, then you may want to date him, if your bond is deep. Meanwhile, your children do not need to see and hear this and neither do you. They do not need a flakey dad and you will get back on track without him. He is not the man you fell in love with. That man is gone. Grieve but move on. He may come back but on your terms and not with a bottle. I bet the boss has noticed. It is a hard thing to disguise.

Stay strong and do what in your heart you know you have to, to protect yourself and your beloved children. I did what you are about to have to do 25 years ago, and it's not easy, but totally necessary. I had about a year of extreme anxiety and worry but re-established myself, re-entered the workplace with a fairly good job and a few years later met my now husband, who has been an amazing father figure to my child, who grew up in a happy, secure environment. Her natural father chose no contact, his choice, drink being his first love. You can do this, stay strong, keep posting, I wish there'd been the amazing support of Mumsnet for me, such a valuable resource, knowing there are so many people out there who have experienced what you are experiencing, able to support you, and give some details of those of us who have happily survived the experience, which you will.

Madwoman 5 - I have had all of that and more!
I just do not understand why he thinks I should believe any of his declarations or promises. I've heard them all before and he has never stuck to any of it. He "means it this time" but he meant it this time two weeks ago! It's utter madness!

This is apparently an "apocalypse" over a "small slip up". And it's one rule for one and another rule for me. Because I was apparently grumpy the other day. And that wasn't me trying to fix our marriage. Because of course being grumpy is on the same level as drinking and lying about your whereabouts!

I've told him that he has shown he has zero respect or regard for his mother to have chosen the day she arrived to "slip up". He would know that I would go mad at him and that I'm not someone who is afraid to make a scene in company. Rightly or wrongly I'm unable to hold in my anger until we are alone.

Anyway I am carrying on as normal. I'm speaking to his mum and the kids but blanking him totally. I ate dinner at the table with them last night but didn't even acknowledge his presence.

How are you going to move on from this grounddown. how are you going to go somewhere else with your kids.

giving him the silent treatment - its not going to change him is it.

stop wasting all that energy being angry. put all your energies into building a new life for you and your children.

I am really worried that this is all going to pass and you are going to stay with him knowing it is going tohappen again and again.

You are right. He has no intention of sorting himself out.

I'm not going anywhere. I have two kids and can't afford to move. Rent would be more than the mortgage here. I have photographs of the texts showing him buying cocaine. I'm hoping that if he doesn't agree to moving out that I can use these against him in court to get him forced out?

Keep your proof to yourself for now. Hopefully you can force him out on the basis that it will get ugly and public if you are forced to prove what he has been doing.

Tell him he has to move out. don't ask him to agree to it. being an alcoholic is bad enough but cocaine with small kids what is he thinking of.

he sounds like its all a bit out of control at the moment. tell him he needs to leave, he needs to start taking steps to sort out his drugs and alcohol and when he has made progress you will talk to him about access to the children.

On Monday, I think you need a solicitor and to get some good legal advice. in the meantime though you are right to start making copies of stuff - everything because it might be relevant later on. try and get some support from friends or family in RL because he is just not going to suddenly stop being in denial.

I hope you start to get a plan together OP. good luck.

Think about where he can go. He can move in with his mum

Work out the logistics - tell him them and then give him a case to pack. Have a plan. Let him know he can come back for the rest of his things. I did this and he knew it was game over.

If his name is on the house you cannot force him to leave. You can strongly suggest he go 'temporarily' if he wants your marriage to continue. Would his mum take him in on a 'temporary separation'? Will he consent to go for treatment?

The thing I found with alcoholics is that they truly do not see that they have a problem. Every single man Jack of them can 'quit when they want to'. Problem is, they never want to for very long. And it's very easy, for some reason, for them to stay sober when there is an 'end date' involved and/or a 'point to be made'. So, yes, he'll stay sober until his arbitrary November. But it means nothing. Because then he'll go right back to drinking, you know he will. The only 'cure'* for alcoholism is to never touch the stuff again as long as you live. And to be able to do that he will need treatment, counseling and active support (like AA). If he is not willing to do this, then he is not serious about stopping.

*it's not really a cure you know, any more than there's a 'cure' for an allergy or food intolerance. The only thing you can do is completely cut the offending item (be it booze, gluten, or peanuts) out of your life for good and all.

His mum lives very far away hence not having seen us for so long. He can't live with her he will need a flat.

He won't stay sober until November. He already failed once after just ten days.