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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pretend things are fine?

107 replies

Grounddown17 · 22/09/2017 12:27

To cut a long story short DH has a long history of alcohol abuse, letting me down, staying out etc etc.

He has had more second chances that the entire population of the UK have had hot dinners. 2 weeks ago I discovered he had also been taking drugs. Stupidly I let him persuade me to give things one final chance. The agreement was that he would not drink - at all.

He managed a week and a half. Then yesterday I started getting the familiar signs that he was out drinking. Not responding to messages, not answering his phone etc. He likes to pretend he is "busy in a meeting", but strangely when he is in a genuine meeting he finds time to pop out to let me know what's happening.

Anyway so he came home at 7pm and had clearly been drinking. His mother had arrived that afternoon to stay for a few days. She hasn't seen him (or the kids) for 6 months. She had been waiting for him to come home since 4pm. He came in, tried to deny he had been drinking, whilst proceeding to talk utter shit all evening. MIL had no dinner as I went upstairs and left them to it as I couldn't bear being around him. Him being drunk didn't think to offer her anything. So she ended up in tears and eating a sandwich.

This morning he wants "to talk". It was a "small slip" apparently and he should get credit for trying so hard (an entire week and a half!!). It was a business lunch and it had been planned for months!! (Bullshit, I looked at his emails it was a mate he met in the pub!).

I have told him that he has blown it. That he made the choice to have a drink, and then made the choice to carry on drinking despite knowing that a) he was risking his family and b)his mother was sat at home waiting for him. Knowing his track record she even text him begging him not to ruin the weekend when it became clear he was drinking.

He is now saying that by arguing with him in front of his mother I am going to cause her to have a heart attack and die. That she has already been sick this morning from the stress. I did point out that had he remained sober she wouldn't be witnessing any of this.

So AIBU to not go along with playing happy families until she leaves after the weekend? I've had years of this and have had to cover up the reality of his drinking for so long. I'm now refusing to do it any longer. I'm open and honest that he is an alcoholic. I'm in work, yet again, having had no sleep because of the stress and anxiety he has caused me. I can't eat and feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Should I really be pretending all is fine and ok just because his elderly mother is here??

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 22/09/2017 13:27

She has made excuses for him in the past and backed him up in putting the blame my way.

Remind yourself of this if you find yourself trying to make her trip pleasant/stress free.
She's enabled his addiction - let them both face the reality of how their behaviour impacts real life.

i'd also start separation and divorce proceedings asap.
Enough of your life has already been wasted on him.

Ellie56 · 22/09/2017 13:27

You need to get rid OP. This is no way to live either for you or the kids.

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/09/2017 13:27

The thing is, he'd have to be able to cope with stress, hard times and much more than "tetchiness" and still not drink!
He probably knows at some level, or should know, that it's no good if it can only be 10 days and then any tiny provocation kicks him back into it all, with him blaming you or whatever is handy to blame. That's not trying.. He sounds well and truly addicted. It must be so hard for you. You're doing the right thing.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/09/2017 13:31

Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle? Theres some info here, its not an easy read but stick with it;
therapyideas.net/manipulation.htm

The only way to leave the game is to leave the game. It sounds like you've reached that point and you're ready to move on.

PickleRickSanchez · 22/09/2017 13:31

YADNBU!!

This man has without question, put himself and his selfish needs first over you and his family. It sounds like he always has, and because you keep forgiving it, he always will (if you continue to let him).
He's enjoying the freedoms of a single man with no commitments, leaving you repeatedly to manage everyone and everything at home while he indulges in booze and drugs with his mates Angry
And not only that, now you've refused to play ball, he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into papering over his many fuck ups with MIL. This man really doesn't respect you one bit, does he?
He would actually use his own mothers health and guilt trip you that you'll cause her death if you don't stop making him look bad?! What an utter cunt you married.

Do not minimise his awful behaviour by playing Happy Families for the benefit of him his family.

I don't say LTB lightly but in this case it's utterly justified. You shouldn't have to live like this!

Flowers
maxthemartian · 22/09/2017 13:34

He doesn't sound remotely ready to address his issues. It's no life for you, is it? Sad

thethoughtfox · 22/09/2017 13:36

This is the best time to do it. He has the support of his mother if he wants it; he may be less likely to be aggressive / get completely wrecked as she is there and the truth is really out in the open.

Original poster
Grounddown17 · 22/09/2017 13:37

Thanks for the support everyone. I have a horrendous weekend ahead of me. They will both be trying to get me to "play along" for the sake of peace and their own enjoyment. I can't go elsewhere as I don't want to leave my children. Nor do I really fancy a weekend sat in a hotel on my todd, and that is my only option really.

I do feel bad for his mum. She has come a long way and hasn't seen us all for 6 months. I know she was looking forward to this. I just couldn't sit there last night and pretend all was ok though. He was sitting there bold as brass pretending he hadn't had a drink. Though it was so obvious!

Whilst I've been typing this he has emailed to suggest marriage counselling. FFS! Yet another way to make me somehow culpable for this mess.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/09/2017 13:39

You didn't cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.

I've told the story of me and my brother's alcoholism so I won't repeat it. All I'll say is that you are enabling him, simply by staying. He will not get help until he wants to get help, for himself and by himself. Leave. You cannot save him, you can only save yourself and your children.

Contact Al-Anon and get support.

tiggytape · 22/09/2017 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Grounddown17 · 22/09/2017 13:50

I realise that I have been enabling him. For years I have covered up his antics. Gone along with his excuses as to why we always have to cancel things etc.

I've started calling him an alcoholic, both to his face and to others. I tell people when his drinking causes an issue. I told his mother he was out doing cocaine. I told his friends wife I couldn't arrange a time to visit them because I hadn't seen him sober in a week and didn't know when I next would.

He calls this "embarrasing the family" , "airing dirty laundry" and "being a four year old".

I no longer care if people don't respect him.

OP posts:
minmooch · 22/09/2017 13:51

Just send him a response that you are done. Done trying, done pretending, done caring.

You and your children deserve so much more. From what you have written I get the feeling you are at that point where you no longer care enough. And let this be a point of strength. From here start to build what you want - a life away from him and his lies and excuses. You will feel so much better for making the decision and putting you and the kids first.

Good luck.

TizzyDongue · 22/09/2017 13:52

Hazel does have something there to be honest. You've not given him 'second chances' have you? You've been enabling him. Your life is on hold in the hope that that last Last Chance is the one. It won't be. Ever.

You have to give the last chance and mean it. No matter what. No matter how much you want to have the life you have in your head that you feel will happen if he actualy will this time.

The whole you'll kill my mother thing is utterly, UTTERLY, typical of an alcoholic. Deflect blame and responsibility. The lies too (does he keep up the life no matter how much evidence proves it a lie?).

Prepare for you life to change. Know it is going to. It'll be tough but you can do it. Everything will be your fault, be prepared for that too.

I enabled an alcoholic for years. Got to your point. Gave an ultimatum. Meant it. Life has changed for me - it's indescribably better now.

Justaboy · 22/09/2017 13:54

Thanks for the support everyone. I have a horrendous weekend ahead of me. They will both be trying to get me to "play along" for the sake of peace and their own enjoyment.

Err, suggest not, suggest that this is the weekend for High Noon where he and she are told the full unvarnished truth as it is and how its going to be for he and if need be she too.

Otherwise do you really think it will get better or change for the better?.

Nope!

Anniegetyourgun · 22/09/2017 13:54

Presumably he doesn't see anything wrong with drinking incontinently because that's what his mother does. If you're ever tempted to brush it under the carpet again (unlikely, as you seem to have reached your own rock bottom) just remind yourself that you don't want your kids to have the example their father had.

Pussies aren't people who ask for help when they need it btw. Pussies are people who can't face reality without their liquid crutch. That's him, pretty much by definition. No wonder your respect for him is down the tubes.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2017 13:55

Use this weekend of him and the kids occupying MIL to figure out your exit strategy. Whether you and the kids go or you kick him out.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/09/2017 14:03

You do t need to stay in the flat this weekend. You can take the children to a hotel for the weekend. Yes your MIL will be sad, but the impact of living with an alcoholic is far worse for your children.

You need to start planning how and when you will leave. Do you own or rent? Whose names are on the tenancy? What kind of support do you have from family or friends?

Then think of how you want to be living in 5 years. Because you are responsible for your life. Not his.

Clandestino · 22/09/2017 14:06

Agree with MiddleClass. Use the weekend to think about how to leave him. Get all the evidence you can about him not only drinking but also taking drugs.
If he wants to play dirty, you can do the same and tell him you are letting his employer know about his illegal drug use and advise them to take a drug test. Most employers frown upon this.
Good luck.

Threenme · 22/09/2017 14:07

Op you sound like a really nice person and if you can bear to play happy families for his mum for a weekend I would. Then Monday throw him out.Flowers

Original poster
Grounddown17 · 22/09/2017 14:09

Yes he does continue to lie despite evidence staring us both in the face! He once denied having spoken to an old girlfriend while we were both looking at the call entry in his phone!!

He is now saying he will not drink unless I am with him, and because I have refused he says that I don't care about the marriage or kids. Er yes I do care about my kids. I care that my eldest is starting to realise that "Daddy gets drunk".

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 22/09/2017 14:11

I'm sorry this has kept getting worse for you. 💐
I would not play happy families but I would play civil all weekend. Put on a brace face with Mil and kids and but don't show any affection to your 'd'h.
Just use the spare time you have to plan how you are going to leave him as soon as the visit is over

MissEliza · 22/09/2017 14:18

Your children should not grow up in this environment. He's not going to stop drinking so he needs to leave.

pizzaparty11 · 22/09/2017 14:21

OP You are not being kind to yourself or your children, and also you are not being kind to him.The truth is that he probably cannot quit alone he needs professional help.You need to let him hit rock bottom to make him want to change so much that he seeks that help.

TizzyDongue · 22/09/2017 14:37

I should add that it'll go two ways he'll go. He'll either stop or go on a path of destruction.

It'll most likely be the latter.

This is not your doing. You are not responsible.

OverOn · 22/09/2017 14:47

You've given him enough chances. Enough is enough, this is not your fault. Stop giving him a platform to make this your fault. Disengage, be firm and tell him it's over.

If you don't - you risk nothing changing and you'll still be there in a years time wondering why the same shit is still happening again.