To not pretend things are fine?

[Grounddown17]

To cut a long story short DH has a long history of alcohol abuse, letting me down, staying out etc etc.

He has had more second chances that the entire population of the UK have had hot dinners. 2 weeks ago I discovered he had also been taking drugs. Stupidly I let him persuade me to give things one final chance. The agreement was that he would not drink - at all.

He managed a week and a half. Then yesterday I started getting the familiar signs that he was out drinking. Not responding to messages, not answering his phone etc. He likes to pretend he is "busy in a meeting", but strangely when he is in a genuine meeting he finds time to pop out to let me know what's happening.

Anyway so he came home at 7pm and had clearly been drinking. His mother had arrived that afternoon to stay for a few days. She hasn't seen him (or the kids) for 6 months. She had been waiting for him to come home since 4pm. He came in, tried to deny he had been drinking, whilst proceeding to talk utter shit all evening. MIL had no dinner as I went upstairs and left them to it as I couldn't bear being around him. Him being drunk didn't think to offer her anything. So she ended up in tears and eating a sandwich.

This morning he wants "to talk". It was a "small slip" apparently and he should get credit for trying so hard (an entire week and a half!!). It was a business lunch and it had been planned for months!! (Bullshit, I looked at his emails it was a mate he met in the pub!).

I have told him that he has blown it. That he made the choice to have a drink, and then made the choice to carry on drinking despite knowing that a) he was risking his family and b)his mother was sat at home waiting for him. Knowing his track record she even text him begging him not to ruin the weekend when it became clear he was drinking.

He is now saying that by arguing with him in front of his mother I am going to cause her to have a heart attack and die. That she has already been sick this morning from the stress. I did point out that had he remained sober she wouldn't be witnessing any of this.

So AIBU to not go along with playing happy families until she leaves after the weekend? I've had years of this and have had to cover up the reality of his drinking for so long. I'm now refusing to do it any longer. I'm open and honest that he is an alcoholic. I'm in work, yet again, having had no sleep because of the stress and anxiety he has caused me. I can't eat and feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Should I really be pretending all is fine and ok just because his elderly mother is here??

It looks like he does not intend to take any responsibility for his own behaviour. If your MIL gets ill he will blame you and might even convince her that it's your fault, if the kids are affected by his drinking, he'll blame you.
You've been more patient with him than many other people would have been, and now it's time to put yourself and your children first, not keep putting his intentions to change first. Good luck OP.

OP, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this man or any other addict. The desire to change can only come from him - possibly when he has hit rock bottom and cannot fall down any further or possibly never. You simply must think of what's best for you. Alcohol addiction is very tough to beat - I have been in AA for over nine years and I have had a couple of slip-ups during that time, but have learnt from them. I don't miss meetings or talking to my sponsor because without sobriety, I literally have nothing.

If he doesn't want to change, he won't. He's not taking responsibility for his actions, is deflecting blame and doesn't seem to have any incentive to quit. Please leave and let him get on with whatever course he chooses to take.

I'm not being snarky or contentious, just curious. Why are you not making plans to leave? What is there 'there' that keeps you in this marriage? My BFF won't leave. Her husband is a verbally abusive drunk (and I expect physical abuse as well) and she acknowledges it. Yet she won't leave. Her life is absolute hell. She says she loves him and so she stays. Sometimes love is not enough. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean that they are good for you.

I think part of her not leaving is also financial. She works, but lives in a very expensive area and could not afford to buy or rent a 2-bedroom apt in a halfway 'safe' area. I've told her that she and her teen DD could get along fine in a 1 bed or even a studio until she gets child support, etc ironed out. She could also put in for transfer to a branch of the business that would be closer to a more affordable area.

Well, as the daughter of an alcoholic, you need to leave. My DM stayed with my DF for years. He's long since died but my relationship with my DM is strained now, due to what I perceive as her weakness in not being brave enough to protect me and my siblings. Her view is that she stayed as we had a 'happy' family life, nice house, two incomes, foreign holidays, blah blah blah. Mine is that she was an adult, she could have changed the way things were and instead chose not to. Time and again her answer to everything is that she stayed for us, me and my DBs. She is completely oblivious to the fact that this was never going to be the best course of action! We saw things we shouldn't have, had to lie about his various drink driving convictions, saw my DM run herself into the ground trying to keep up appearances and cover up his behaviour. Years later, there are still repercussions. Get out now!

Finances are a massive part of it, yes. It's not an option to move "somewhere cheaper", which I know is the usual advice on Mumsnet. But it's not as easy as that in real life.

Plus having 2 kids who adore their Dad, one of whom has medical issues. And I somehow feel like a failure for not being able to keep the family together for them.

But I'm at the point whereby even if he joined AA and gave up drinking, I'm not sure I can be bothered with it. I've given so much that I feel completely drained. I don't think I've got anything left to give. I just can't be bothered.

Haven't RTFT so excuse me. But the OP reminded me of a lovely friend I have in recover so said once to the friend of an addict, "why are you robbing him of his rock bottom?". All these second chances are doing the opposite of what you want. They are enabling him.

Both you and MIL need to be honest. He's an addict and he needs to seek actual help. Professional help.

I would say marriage counselling is a great suggestion.
Once he's been sober for 1 year!!!
And you will consider it if he goes to AA for that whole year.
I can't believe the thinks marriage counselling will help his alcohol addiction.
How does that work?
He really is clueless.

Well he doesn't truly believe his drinking is "the" issue you see. The state of our marriage, the fact that I don't "value" him etc are all the issue.

These issues cause him to drink, as does work stress, happy days, bad days, rainy days, sunny days, holidays... you get the jist.

He refuses to acknowledge or accept that maybe I don't treat him the nicest, or show him love because I don't trust him and am full of resentment over his behaviour. Behaviour which he displayed, to a lesser degree, at the start of our relationship. I was naive and thought that he would grow up, once married with children.

Like I've said before he blames me for his drinking, despite his drinking pre-existing my current apathy towards him.

It's not a "marriage" any more, is it

tiggy has it spot on. It's typical alcoholic behaviour to try to make someone else responsible for their drinking so that they can avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

I've been where you are, Please leave him. I know its hard, but you cannot live with someone you have no respect for, and how can you respect him? Hes a mess, a lying, drug taking, alcoholic mess. Get out, take your kids and enjoy the peace and loss of anxiety. he can sort himself out. And be prepared to play hard ball, once he realises you mean it, things may turn very nasty.

Regardless of whoever's fault he thinks it is - don't need more justification to leave him or defend your decision. Dont engage in the arguments, just repeat you want out and how do you sort it between you.

He can tell all his friends it's your fault - who cares if he does? The people that love you will know the truth.

Well he doesn't truly believe his drinking is "the" issue you see. No addict does. It's called denial and they need someone to call them on it. Someone who knows what they are doing. Professional help or AA.

My ex told my children he drank because of me. Imagine how my daughter felt a year after I left him when she said 'He told me he drank because of you. I thought he would sort himself out but his drinking is worse than ever. I thought he loved me enough to stop and I believed him when he said I only drink because of your mum'. It's always someone else's fault. I don't believe your H is a good dad. Anyone who's primary relationship is with alcohol is not a great parent. He's in denial. He's nowhere near being a great parent.

Please go to Al-Anon yourself, OP. You can't change him but you can change you. At the moment you're going crazy with the stress of him. Al-Anon will help you, support you, teach you how to manage your own life.

It's impossible to have a relationship with an active addict.

Al-anon for yourself is a good suggestion.

Alcoholic behaviour is appalling to live with. The blaming is pretty standard. It’s also total rubbish. Why does he drink? Because he’s an alcoholic and that’s what they do. If you could catch him in a moment of honesty he probably doesn’t really know why he drinks, he just can’t stop.

There are only upsides to you leaving him. You can heal and grow. Your children will be spared watching an alcoholic marriage. And who knows, it might even be the rock bottom he needs to start to recover. It probably won’t be, to be honest, it sounds like he’s got a lot more blame and denial to go yet, but as you correctly identified, you staying is enabling him to ‘normalise’ his behaviour and so - sorry - you are enabling to some extent.

You are worth so much more than this

Seconding the advice for you to go to Al Anon.

I don't blame you for not wanting to move out to a hotel without your children. For a start, you can't leave them in the sole care of two alcoholics. Can't your husband and his mother find a hotel to go to for a few days?

You deserve so much better than this.

If you can bear to sit it out this weekend then I would. but whilst they are playing happy families start writing a list now on paper of all the excuses he has used as to why he drinks. every single one. then write down next to them how it makes you feel and how you are feeling now. why? so that when he starts wheedling his way back into your life you can get this bit of paper out and read it.

start planning your new life without him. you are done. use the broken record technique " I understand Mrgrounddown that you blame me but I am done" " I know you are under stress, but I am done" "yes I know the family will be broken up by this but I am done" you get the idea. don't engage in any of this arguments just keep repeating the mantra over and over again.

it isn't easy OP it never is but honestly don't do this to yourself or your children any more. finish this weekend, pack his bag and tell him he is leaving because you are done.

Thanks for all of your messages. They have really helped me to stay strong and not waiver. I've had it all thrown at me today!

He is still maintaining he won't be drinking until November to "show me" and that he is living in the here and now not the past. Last night is the distant past is it? 🙄

Anyway my last response was to simply say "Will you go to AA?". Because if he was as desperate to sort it out like he says he would go right? No! Of course he wants to try on his own first and then will go if he fails or "slips up" again.

From experience this means " I will say this to get you to agree to give me another chance, then once my mother has left I will do what I fucking well like and if you complain I will have yet more reasons to blame it all on you and your controlling ways".

I'm so sorry you are in this situation it's awful. My dad was an alcoholic, it cost him two marriages, a hugh flying job, his health and eventually his life. We heard every excuse under the sun - he had to drink for 'work' (he was in sales and there were lots of boozy lunches and nights out), he could give up any time (he never did), it didn't impact his job (it did - he was fired and lied about it). Both wives and all his kids tried to get him to stop, along with other friends and family. It's frankly impossible unless they admit the problem and want to change. Al Anon really helped me realise how powerless I was in it all and counselling helped me get over the feeling I could have done something to get him to stop.
For the sake of this weekend do whatever gets you through. Then make your plans and get on with the rest of your life. You and your kids will be better off no matter where you have to live - trust me, you don't want them growing up under the same roof as him xx

He'll never stop drinking. Get out now.

grounddown - its not easy. no one thinks it is. but staying in this situation is ridiculous now. you have to use the broken record - I am done. he has to know and be in no doubt that this is it. its over.

the problem is he has been here so many times before that he thinks that if he just holds out or tells you what he thinks you want to hear, you will give in. just don't, really, just don't give in this time.

so where are you going to go OP and when?

You're right Grounddown17 it is his way of manipulating you. The very fact you know that means this it it for you. If he's throwing excuses and reasons at you and 'proving' he can control alchol shows he's no intention of stopping.

I know it's frightening to be at this point. You're ending life as you know it. That's scary. But believe me the future will be better now. I certainly don't miss my past life.

Dump this loser. You and your DCs will be better off in the long run.