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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch NCT?

133 replies

Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 14:29

I had my pfb 11 weeks ago. We are pretty isolated where we live, no family close by, so I did NCT to get some mum friends close by.

There are 8 of us and I am the only one who had a section and the only one who isn't bfing anymore. In general they are quite rude/insensitive as all they talk about is either bfings or their labour stories which obviously I can't join in.

My section was due to a breech and I tried really hard for 3 weeks to bf but I couldnt. After hyperemesis I just didn't have the mental capacity to carry on.

The final straw has come today. Ive got a bad cold and asked if anyone else had been ill since giving birth and if they had any tips for avoiding passing it on. The immediate, smug, response I got was 'breastfes babies dont get ill'. Making me feel guilty all over again.

I am deaperate for local friends so dont want to cut my nose off to spite my face but this group just generally make me feel bad about myself.

AIBU to take a step back from the group?

OP posts:
Nestofvipers · 21/09/2017 16:24

Ditch them. They sound horrible and smug and quite frankly why would you want to try and be friends with people like that

OrangeJulius · 21/09/2017 16:26

Orange there is clearly no problem with talking about giving birth and feeding but to do so constantly when it permanently excludes just one person is quite rude, no?

I don't think it is rude. Feeding your baby takes up a good portion of your time for the first few months, it's the main activity, so there is legitimate reason to be discussing it constantly. As I said, feeding was constantly discussed on my NCT group, though in my case it was formula rather than breast because that's what most people did.

Over time the conversation did branch out a bit, thankfully!

Viviennemary · 21/09/2017 16:31

They do sound a bit painful tbh. Usually there might be one or two people in the group that get on your nerves but the whole group not so much. Find some new friends. No point in bothering with them. They sound horrible.

Original poster
Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 16:35

Ok, well we have different concepts of what rude is. I personally would hate to constantly exclude one person in a group from conversation, no matter how long it was going to go on for.

OP posts:
RedBlu · 21/09/2017 16:36

I didn’t do NCT, wasn’t one local. We did an NHS one instead. Half the group has kept in contact via what’s app, we talk occasionally and meet up maybe once or twice a month.

A few of us had VB and the rest had CS, I am formula feeding as I could never get DD to latch despite lots of help from BF consultants, another woman is FF and the rest are BF so it’s a good mix. To be honest, I would be surprised if we stay in contact once we all go back to work as even now we don’t talk as much as the early days.

The BF babies don’t get sick is total bollocks, one of the babies in our group got a horrible cold at three weeks and they are BF. Babies get sick whether BF or FF.

If they are making you feel bad, ditch them. I do get it though, I live quite rurally and don’t know many people, don’t drive and babies groups aren’t very often here so it’s nice to have people to talk to - but I wouldn’t stick with them just because they are there

Parker231 · 21/09/2017 16:36

Definitely find another group. My NCT group was a disaster - I was the only one not bf, planning on going back to work ft and others in the group were horrified at one get together when I turned up with the DT's - DD dressed in blue and DS in pink!

ScissorBow · 21/09/2017 16:38

Mush
Baby groups exclusively for under 1s (much cosier than toddler groups)
Children's Centre
Baby sensory
Baby massage
Post natal fitness - buggy groups
Coffee mornings run at local community centres
'What to do in the area for babies' websites and magazines.
Netmums/Mumsnet local
Baby weigh clinics

And at all of these just making small talk to any mums you like the look of seemed to work for me. I had lovely NCT friends but I am still friends with sensory, massage, fitness, coffee mornings, baby group for under 1s and mums in my village I met at the park! Just get out of the house and gravitate towards other mums on their own.

QueSera · 21/09/2017 16:39

I cant believe anyone would say such a rude comment to you op!! (that breastfed babies dont get ill - thats total rubbish anyway). I'm so sorry. In my nct group several of us had a lot of difficulty breastfeeding, and no one would have dreamed of making any of us feel bad about it.

It would be nice to stay in touch with one's nct group, but only if they are nice people who make you feel supported in these fragile early days. Sadly that doesnt seem to be the case. Branch out, join baby groups etc, make different new-mum friends who are nice. Good luck. And please never feel guilty about breastfeeding or not - and dont listen to anyone who thinks you should.

BambooWhoosh · 21/09/2017 16:41

What is Mumsnet local?

www.mumsnet.com/local

Hope you find a friendly local group OP.

Eddierussett · 21/09/2017 16:49

Another one whose ebf baby has got sick - just getting over a cold now! I think I have been lucky in that my nct group had a mix of natural/epidural/emcs/elcs and bf/formula/combination and no one is judgemental. But even so the fact remains that what we have in common is that we had babies around the same time in a similar area (and not even a small area). Now the first few months are over, I am increasingly finding groups that are closer to me and reflect the activities I am interested not just our due dates. So, in your case I would start detaching and finding other groups - life is too short to be made miserable by judgemental people!

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 21/09/2017 17:02

I BF DD fit just over 2 years. She is and was ill the most frequently out of all my friends babies who were FF! So they're talking rubbish IMHO

MrsNai · 21/09/2017 17:05

Sorry that you are having a tough time OP.

Ditch the horrible group and get on Mush to meet Mum friends. Xx

MrsNai · 21/09/2017 17:05

Sorry that you are having a tough time OP.

Ditch the horrible group and get on Mush to meet Mum friends. Xx

MrsNai · 21/09/2017 17:05

Sorry that you are having a tough time OP.

Ditch the horrible group and get on Mush to meet Mum friends. Xx

Spangles1963 · 21/09/2017 19:28

Bf babies don't get ill? My DGD was entirely bf for 6 weeks but she still caught a cold when she was 4 weeks old!

Weebo · 21/09/2017 19:42

They sound like a bunch of dullards. Brainless dullards at that - Of course BF babies can catch colds.

There are more interesting friends to be made.

Original poster
Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 21:14

Thanks all. This thread has cheered me up and made me feel better about my decision. Cheers for the input!

OP posts:
notanotherNC · 21/09/2017 21:21

NCT mums are notorious for being smug, self-righteous, bitches. I wouldn't give them a 2nd though and find some other real friends.

Ttbb · 21/09/2017 21:28

Definitely ditch. These sound like women with no real accomplishments hence the need to resort to bragging a basic bodily functions.

Original poster
Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 21:35

They have been really smug. It's so disappointing it's all of them. But really just the last thing I need. As a new mum I second guess myself all the time, don't need others chipping in too!

OP posts:
mctat · 21/09/2017 21:41

They will learn! Wink My breastfed baby spent her entire second six months with colds and sick bugs!

Capricorn76 · 21/09/2017 21:45

I made a couple of friends from NCT but dropped the zealots quickly. I also had a friend almost driven into depression by her NCT group as she was desperately trying to do everything 'right' to maintain their approval. I advised her to ditch them and she became a new woman almost overnight. I think NCT can sometimes attract insecure and competitive women who have pretty empty lives and believe they're the first to have children and do it right. Let them compete amongst themselves and leave the normal people to bring up their kids in peace.

Never forget that some of these women who profess to be doing everything right and work hard to make others feel bad about themselves for not being 'perfect mothers' live a completely different life behind closed doors. Peaches Geldof is an extreme example but some of these earth mothers are knocking back wine and ignoring their kids the minute the front door's closed.

Misspilly88 · 21/09/2017 21:46

All of the most sickly children I know have been exclusively breastfed! They will soon see. Ditch them. Or meet up one on one with anyone who seems a bit more sensible and share your upset. But Yes, insensitive. Same thing happened to me, stopped seeing them and now our kids are way past milk drinking we have rekindled our friendship.

QueenUnicorn · 21/09/2017 22:00

Honestly they don't sound that thoughtful but I would give them the benefit of the doubt.
New mums often say and do things that would later make them cringe thinking about how it's perceived. They are hormonal, tired and unsure of themselves.
I have some great close friends that gave me crappy advice like this when I had a newborn (my first didn't sleep and I'd get sleep 'advice' all the time). Now we're onto second kids and they have the non sleepers we can all laugh together about how ridiculous their advice was.
Give them another chance I say.

mctat · 22/09/2017 06:49

'Honestly they don't sound that thoughtful but I would give them the benefit of the doubt.
New mums often say and do things that would later make them cringe thinking about how it's perceived. They are hormonal, tired and unsure of themselves.'

I agree with this. Perhaps take a step back, but no need to completely cut them off, unless you want to of course.