To ditch NCT?

[Hollyhop17]

I had my pfb 11 weeks ago. We are pretty isolated where we live, no family close by, so I did NCT to get some mum friends close by.

There are 8 of us and I am the only one who had a section and the only one who isn't bfing anymore. In general they are quite rude/insensitive as all they talk about is either bfings or their labour stories which obviously I can't join in.

My section was due to a breech and I tried really hard for 3 weeks to bf but I couldnt. After hyperemesis I just didn't have the mental capacity to carry on.

The final straw has come today. Ive got a bad cold and asked if anyone else had been ill since giving birth and if they had any tips for avoiding passing it on. The immediate, smug, response I got was 'breastfes babies dont get ill'. Making me feel guilty all over again.

I am deaperate for local friends so dont want to cut my nose off to spite my face but this group just generally make me feel bad about myself.

AIBU to take a step back from the group?

Hmm, if you did get on with them before you all gave birth its a shame to ditch them and be alone. Is it all group chat or do any of you meet just in twos or threes? I think I'd be inclined to confide in one or two of the most friendly members and say how you feel.

I'm sure nobody is intentionally hurting you and unfit he not has done a good job of indoctrinating them in the holiness of vaginal birth and bf.

New mums can be very competitive and self absorbed but not necessarily nasty. I would say something about feeling a little sad about these comments and them see what happens. If nobody steps up then you've lost nothing.

Soon enough they will realise that bf babies do, indeed catch colds. And scream and refuse to sleep and bite.

I'm going to dtich them. Life is hard enough with a new born without this lot making me feel bad.

I'll put more effort in to other local classes I can go to. Thanks for all your suggestions

As a note I ditched mine as I turned up at around 30 weeks to try and get to know some local folk, got told I was too early, but that I could come today but really it was for new babies not pg women, I had her at 31.5 then a couple of weeks later had my gall bladder removed then two weeks after that turned up with a nearly month old baby and still all before my due date - their jaws hit the floor and I couldn't get any sense out of them. I think I did about 3 meetings but the whole of my experience was so far removed from theirs we didn't gel at all so didn't bother after that

Ditch the bitches yes - who knows whether they mean to be hurtful as their experiences are different to yours - either way it doesn't matter as your on a different wavelength . Congratulations on your baby , yes ' breast is best ' or perhaps that should be rephrased as it has its advantages but babies need food . And yes breast fed babies still get ill . At best they're insensitive but clearly not people you wish to be around so I'd find new avenues for yourself and your baby .

I'd go with what Acid suggested, and see whether you can salvage any friendships from this. Tbh, I'm sorry I bothered with the NCT -- it was strongly pushed by my midwife, who saw me as a neurotic, older first-time mother who was so career-focused and frequently-travelling I was going to hit motherhood the way you would hit an out of control lorry.

I just didn't particularly like any of my group, and none of us gelled that well. We made a few perfunctory attempts at coffee and meet-ups, but it didn't last, and as far as I know, none of them are in touch now. And we had a particularly old-style 'natural birth' hippy tutor who made the 'Cascade of Intervention' sound like Isis, which was ironic, given that out of the eight of us, I think a good five or six had heavy-intervention births for various reasons.

I actually found more people I liked through attending NCT coffee mornings locally, rather than in 'my' NCT group.

They sound like idiots! Any chance any of them are a bit nicer on their own and they're just following the crowd? Maybe text the nicer ones separately?

I had a c section and couldn't breastfeed, although I tried for weeks. It made me so miserable and I wish I'd given up sooner! My son was perfectly happy on formula and was one of the first in the group to sit up, crawl, walk, so it's obviously not done any harm!

The always talking about breastfeeding - I hear you, it is SO rude when you know you're excluding someone. I've got friends who still do it now, and the babies are over a year old. Afraid I've not got any advice on how to get them to stop, though.

Baby sensory is ok, I preferred tinytalk - maybe see if there's a class near you? Or playgroups in church halls etc, cradle club and rhyme time at the library are good.

Good luck! You're doing great. Try not to let them make you feel otherwise xx

Sorry to hear that RB. Similarly, I had horrendous HG throughout my entire pregnacy, which none of them had heard of. So they didnt understand why I had a section 2 weeks early as 'he might turn still'.

I've always had a completely different experience to them, so felt like an outsider for a while..

Don't forget, you still gave birth and they be listening to your version of events also respecting your decision on whether to breast feed or not. If you can stick at it, they'll probably move onto other topics as you all get to know eachother. It might be worth enquiring if NCT have another group of Mums fairly nearby or perhaps another group they set up a few months before or after. It takes a while to get to know others at Mother & Toddler but you can take babies so that'd be worth trying a few times.

By the way, I never breast feed. I'm not saying my daughter didn't get colds or sickness bugs, but the only times she's seen a doctor in 16 years have been due to being ill after MMR, one for irritated skin, her appendix out, one bout of tonsillitis, another suspected bout of tonsillitis, turned out to be ulcers, so on average she's needed doctors treatment every four years.

Hope you manage to find out some nicer people to meet up with, OP. It's not worth spending time with people who bring you down. I find it hard to believe that someone could be that insensitive without meaning to!
Good luck!

I agree OP. I joined NCT for just the same reasons. The group was cliquey and I didn't fit in. Also nobody lived nearby and I didn't have a car. They were all wealthy., we are just average. But I did find a lovely NHS run mum & baby group and a church-run toddler group nearby. I met some mums who I now see regularly on the school run and some of whom are "friends " rather than school run acquaintances. I don't regret ditching the NCT clique one bit!

I had HG so and was induced at 39 weeks.. The feeling as soon as I gave birth..I instantly felt better...Apart from wanting to cuddle my newborn a cup of tea and toast which I knew was going to stay down was amazing..

I will say you may find baby sensory the same almost mother earth mums ( not all obviously but generally thats who they attract) ..

I found water babies fantatic..Mother and baby groups. Do try them if they don't work try another.

RB 68 is right, I have no immunity to colds and therefore I have not passed on any immunity to my baby, who has had 3 colds in 11 weeks.
Don't feel guilty about any of it we all make different choices with feeding and birth is mainly down to luck, it doesn't make any difference to the children. I hope you find some nice friends.

Don't forget the Mumsnet local boards. I think I'd put a shout out there if I had my time again. At least you could laugh about some of AIBU threads together.

Thanks all. I like the sound of water classes so will look into that!

What is Mumsnet local?

Scandalous suggestion time (might report my own post) but it was the Netmums local boards that transformed my new mum life locally. Local playgroups and also mum and baby fitness classes were advertised on there. Thanks to those links I found my "tribe".

[ducks down quickly]

We don't have NCT, but HV got me booked on a new mum course from which I've made friends who are always there to answer baby (now toddler!) questions. Do you have anything like that?
We were all split between breast/bottle, BLW/mush, co-sleeping or not, controlled crying etc. but have given advice and opinion without insulting or upsetting each other. Sounds like you've just had a bad bunch of women :-(

Hope you find your people.

Ditch them..I made some lovely friends from Baby sensory classes and an under 1s group at the local children's centre..there will be plenty of other groups you can go to to make friends!
They sound awful!

Maybe they are a pack of cows....

.....but also it's very early days in this. My NCT group talked endlessly about feeding and our labours for the first few months. Honestly it was like therapy or something all the talking we did about labour. And we had a mix of 'natural' and EMCS amongst us.

We are now still friends and our babies have just started reception. We've long since stopped worrying about labour and feeding methods.

So if there are any of them who you did get on with, maybe try to stay in touch on a one to one basis? They wont be banging on about this stuff forever.

Ditch them. They sound horrible and it's also total crap that breastfed babies don't get ill.

How narrow minded of them. My NCT leader was AWFUL and the group had some nice people but they were very limited.

You all gave birth.
You are all feeding your babies.
It is boring to get stuck on the minutiae of that!
More interestingly, your babies are changing daily and you have SO MANY good things to enjoy. You need a nice bunch around you to share that with. Good luck!

Baby sensory classes are great. Serve limited purpose for babies but for mums they are brilliant.

Also dont think your DC is too young local toddler groups. They always have a baby corner and theres nothing like 20 mums cooing over a 3 month old while their toddlers charge around letting off steam. You could get involved by volunteering to help, by far the best way to make friends and get to know people. also Rhymetime at the local library.

As someone who had a breech baby, CSection and didnt BF I am so glad I didnt do NCT. I used the money for further private growth scans as I was a worried older mum.

There wasn't NCT near me, I did the NHS antenatal classes and met some nice people - incidentally almost everyone in our group had a Caesarean (some planned for various reason, some emergency) and most were formula feeding.

However I've also met 'mum friends' since then eg at local church baby group, at preschool etc so I have gradually accumulated people I get on with rather than being immediately in a group. So there's plenty of time - you may just have to be a little proactive in terms of suggesting meet ups to people you meet rather than waiting for them to ask. I have always felt a bit nervous asking to swap numbers to organise playdates but nobody's ever said no!
PS in any nice group of people they can be sensitive to people who are doing it differently!