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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch NCT?

133 replies

Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 14:29

I had my pfb 11 weeks ago. We are pretty isolated where we live, no family close by, so I did NCT to get some mum friends close by.

There are 8 of us and I am the only one who had a section and the only one who isn't bfing anymore. In general they are quite rude/insensitive as all they talk about is either bfings or their labour stories which obviously I can't join in.

My section was due to a breech and I tried really hard for 3 weeks to bf but I couldnt. After hyperemesis I just didn't have the mental capacity to carry on.

The final straw has come today. Ive got a bad cold and asked if anyone else had been ill since giving birth and if they had any tips for avoiding passing it on. The immediate, smug, response I got was 'breastfes babies dont get ill'. Making me feel guilty all over again.

I am deaperate for local friends so dont want to cut my nose off to spite my face but this group just generally make me feel bad about myself.

AIBU to take a step back from the group?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 15:39

Jackie, I think thats fair enough, but you had a mix so no one felt left out. I am the only one on both fronts so I think its poor form and rude to constantly exclude me from the conversation.

I'm still a new mum and surely there are other things we can discuss altogether?

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 21/09/2017 15:44

Yes it doesn't sound like they are being very sensitive at all!

You could try throwing a bomb in the conversation and start asking how their babies are sleeping - that will stop them talking about feeding and labour for sure! [grins]

I did baby massage at my local sure start centre (with both my kids) and also did baby sensory. Baby sensory in particular was lovely and I met some great mums there, so hopefully you will too :)

Purplemeddler · 21/09/2017 15:44

I didn't really gel with my NCT group either - there were also 8 of us and most were extremely well off and made me and DH feel like the poor relations. You feel rubbish about it because you hear all these stories of groups who became amazing friends and still meet up every week 15 years later. But I suspect it's not as common as it seems.

I went back to work 4 days a week when DS about 7 months old and so did one of the others. But she had Fridays off and I had Wednesdays off, so all the meetings were on Fridays to suit her and not me. I did swap my days a couple of times but I found all the baby development competitiveness quite upsetting. And DS was quite behind on everything, I remember going into the lounge at one of their houses when he was about 8 months old and he was the only one not able to sit up on his own. So it was no good for a neurotic first time mother.

In the end I made friends with other nursery mums.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 21/09/2017 15:47

Interesting to know they sound as awful as they were 30 or so years ago. Giving birth and raising babies will always be a competition and point scoring exercise for some. Wonder how these women will cope with what will surely be coming down the line, breast fed babies can still turn into horrendous teens that stage may knock some of the smugness out of them.

Purpleball · 21/09/2017 15:47

I felt like this too. It took a few baby groups etc to find a group I gelled with but persevere. You don't need judgy twats in your life!

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 15:48

Ditch them if you want to, but how the birth went and how you're baby's feeding/sleeping are totally normal things to talk about in the first few months.

HeyRoly · 21/09/2017 15:49

Fuck them in the eye Grin

I never did NCT but it sounds so tedious and neurotic. All the endless talking about boring shit and comparing each other's babies.

I remember sitting in a baby class (I was ignored because I wasn't in their NCT clique) and listening to three women talking really intensely about the relative merits of Jumpatoos and door bouncers. I just thought "Listen to yourselves!" Grin

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 21/09/2017 15:53

They sound horrendous. Who the hell says that!? Nct should be about supporting each other. And you know, being nice.

Unfortunately sounds like you lucked out. It's a bit of a lottery. You're thrown together only by your postcode and due date. I met a lovely mum - who then moved 200 miles away when her job relocated! I drifted away from the rest.

I met loads of lovely mums at baby sensory, monkey music and swimming lessons. We do playgroups now too and meet lots of people.

Sorry you've met a bunch of numpties - hope you find some local people you can chat to soon

wineusuallyhelps · 21/09/2017 15:56

Get rid! You don’t need negativity and lack of support or judging right now!

I say this as someone who did NCT, still sees two friends from it 13 years later, breastfed and am a strong supporter of breastfeeding if the mother chooses to and is able to. (Which is none of anyone else’s business except hers.). I’m not rich or posh.

It’s maybe not the NCT per se, just a horrible group of women that you could get anywhere.

gardeningirl · 21/09/2017 15:57

Another ELCS mum here - I hated HATED NCT too! I gave up going after a few weeks. Through HV suggestion met other new mums by going regularly to two local mother and baby groups - it was hard at first as newly moved and didn't know anyone not to mention being a bit loopy and madly sleep deprived, but I made myself keep on turning up and smiling and eventually made some amazing long term friendsSmile Good luck!

forikol · 21/09/2017 15:59

This reply has been deleted

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twinkiesaremyfave · 21/09/2017 16:01

What the fuck is wrong with people!!

Op ignore the ignorant fucks and enjoy your lovely baby. Surely we should be supporting one another not constantly trying to get one up on each other. Some people are just massively insecure and like to try and make others feel inadequate, you should feel sorry for them really op Wink

Now forget about the tits and enjoy!!! Flowers

TammySwansonTwo · 21/09/2017 16:02

I tortured myself exclusively pumping for twins (although my supply sucked so I still had to supplement) for 7 months after being pretty heavily brainwashed by a hideous bfing group. And my efforts still weren't good enough. And one of my twins still caught whooping cough just before his first jabs and landed back in hospital. This aspect of motherhood, this self righteous nonsense from women who have no idea what you've been through, is one of the most vile aspects of becoming a mother. Save yourself months of heartache and step away now, find some new mum friends x

Original poster
Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 16:03

I replied saying 'well I cant breastfeed so I guess he's getting ill, thanks for your support' and have recieved several bitchy comments back!

So, not the group for me and I have left. A bit sad it has ended this way but there you go. I guess NCT isn't a guarentee of life long friends...

OP posts:
Lulublu · 21/09/2017 16:04

If only breastfeeding was a guaranteed method to protect your baby from illness! My little one got about 8 colds in his first year and was breastfed. I find he gets whatever I get and vice versa and while it is awful having a poorly baby it will make them stronger in the end.

Don't feel bad about not getting on with your NCT class. NCT puts people together solely on the basis of people having a baby at the same time. Some people are lucky and meet people they get on with and some are not. I found mush and wider NCT meet ups (coffee mornings etc) worked much better for me.

OrangeJulius · 21/09/2017 16:07

I think YAB a bit U.

My NCT group was the other way around, most everyone gave up breastfeeding within the first 6 weeks, with only 2 of us going on to breastfeed long term. For the next year, there were constant messages about how many ounces everyone was feeding, formula prep, brands, what size teats, formula on the go, etc etc. No one was trying to exclude anyone else, but as most were formula feeding it was under constant discussion. I think it would have been very unreasonable of me to say they couldn't discuss it because I couldn't join in.

Maybe the women in your group are genuinely being mean, I don't know. I would try to reflect on how much of your feeling left out is your own insecurity about your baby's birth and feeding situation, because as you say, if you are rural with limited socialising opportunities, you don't want to cut your nose to spite your face.

The "breastfed babies don't get sick" comment was weird, but perhaps they've genuinely be misinformed? You can set them straight with a simple, "Of course they do!" My breastfed baby had a few colds, however I admit the formula fed babies seemed to be sick almost bloody constantly (which was the next most discussed thing after formula, our NCT chat was dreadfully dull, ha).

SunSeptember · 21/09/2017 16:07

In general they are quite rude/insensitive as all they talk about is either bfings or their labour stories which obviously I can't join in

Hmm

they have just gone through a major life experience, they have joined a group so they can share and go through it with other women at the same time but they musn't talk about their birth stories in case it upsets you? I am very very pro c section! I am pro woman doing what she can re breast feeding having had two v different bF experiences myself! and having given birth both ways.

I wouldnt ditch them just yet op, some women will be so traumatised by their birth they will be talking about it for a long time to come, the convo will soon move on though as you all get to know each other better....you may need them.

user1465146157 · 21/09/2017 16:07

Please leave this group and avoid such negativity

Women need to support each other and I find that smug attitude about BF so boring. Yes, BF is great but if it doesn't happen its so not a big deal.

if you and the baby are happy then thats all that matters - there are a million things you will be doing that they can't - each mum and baby is different and the mums who make a big deal about BF or other things that are said to be the 'right thing' are often the most with nothing else going in their lives.

Don't worry - you are great and life is hard enough without the opinions of people who quite frankly don't matter.

Dump them!

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/09/2017 16:08
Shock

They sound awful, awful people.

Rumplestaleskin · 21/09/2017 16:08

I ditched my nct group under similar circumstances as you, op. Four years later and I have no regrets. It's definitely a lottery with nct as I've known people who have lucked out with their nct crew. Life is too short for this kind of nonsense.

usernameinfinito · 21/09/2017 16:09

They are talking bs op. My bf baby had a couple of colds.

OrangeJulius · 21/09/2017 16:09

I replied saying 'well I cant breastfeed so I guess he's getting ill, thanks for your support' and have recieved several bitchy comments back!

Ok, but your comment was also pretty bitchy.

TurnipCake · 21/09/2017 16:10

I replied saying 'well I cant breastfeed so I guess he's getting ill, thanks for your support' and have recieved several bitchy comments back!

Dicks. As someone brilliantly said upthread, fuck them in the eye

A friend of mine lives in a naice leafy part of North London, her group is all about hand-wringing over baby wipes, I'm her cynical sanity touchstone

Original poster
Hollyhop17 · 21/09/2017 16:17

Orange there is clearly no problem with talking about giving birth and feeding but to do so constantly when it permanently excludes just one person is quite rude, no? Should I sit there in silence each week?

I am not anti bfing, I tried and it didnt work
I'm not anti natural birth, I just couldnt have one. But I genuinely thought there would be other things to discuss.

OP posts:
LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 21/09/2017 16:22

Good grief! I'm currently breastfeeding my 6 week old while reading this and she has a cold!
Ditch those ladies they sound like hard work. Who needs that when a new mum? Have fun at baby sensory Smile

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