Working adult kids and Christmas?

[thekittensmittens76]

Do yours come home? Do you get angry if they don't?

We don't go home for Christmas and haven't since our eldest was born. We would love family to come to us but there are lots of unmarried siblings who always go 'home' plus the siblings who stayed and we don't have room for the entire family so neither side ever come to us (and to be honest they'd want to come for 2 weeks which would be exhausting). So we are always 'alone' for Christmas which is a bit sad but also nice since we meet up with our friends and we have a Christmas birthday and meet up with the other black sheep family member and their family for New Year and it's all a lot less stressful than the big family Christmas (plus there's better food and wine).

To be fair to both mothers they understand why we don't want to travel a long way at Christmas, it's the siblings who always ask.

My late Dad was a priest and as it was his busy day we saw little of him. He had several country parish churches all wanting a service.

Their wedding anniversary was on the 27th so we all made a point of trying to be there but our (mine and my brother's), adult, children couldn't always make it; jobs, transport - or lack of, travelling abroad etc.

For a first this Christmas we are off to child no.3 for the day. It'll be a nice change for everyone and easier for their travels on the 26th.

I don't think I'd be angry, I'll be upset when they have their own dc and want to spend it at home as it will be the end of family Christmas day, but it's as it should be.
Two of ours are grown up, one left home in his own place with his partner.
They'll still all come over xmas eve, stay xmas day until going to see their parents christmas day eve, then all back here for boxing day.

Our Christmas has got more difficult in recent years as DH's mum, who was widowed a few years ago now has Alzheimers or another dementia, just not badly. She cannot travel so it looks as if we are going to take Christmas to her as long as she lasts with help from Tesco. My DM is getting the other end of the stick. We have to stay in B&B, because my DSis is flying home to visit (and making a big effort) but it becomes costly. As I talk to DM several times weekly, I make the choice to favour DMIL; she has less time left to her, and would see noone if we didn't make the effort.

I'm confused
You are home for Xmas!

I think it is a bit early still to be getting arrangements made for Christmas.
I remember all the years when I was tied to the house with the elderly and ill and my elder children did not even call in for 5 minutes not even a phone call, so I dont expect anything from them now. I would love to have all the children and grandchildren for Christmas but after all these years it is only a dream now. Reality would be World War 3, 4 and 5. I am making alternative plans for myself, nice peaceful plans without any fighting.

I´m also familiar with the Irish pressure to go "home" for Christmas. About 10 years ago I rebelled and went to Thailand for Christmas. I got so many tearful phone calls and manipulation that I almost backed out of going, but I went and it was brilliant and completely liberating. Funnily enough, after that one year, the expectation seemed to be completely broken, and now I can do what I choose. Sometimes I have been back, but some years not.

Reading a random sample of responses, it's clear there's no right answer.

I think it is a bit early still to be getting arrangements made for Christmas.

My advance train tickets are not available to book yet but they will be in a week or two, so it's definitely not too early to discuss.

If you have to book flights you'll want to be planning even earlier.

I'm not Irish, but it's interesting hear all these stories!

When I was an A&E sister and working on Christmas Day my parents, who lived locally to the hospital would fetch me turkey sandwiches so I didn't miss out. Spoilt rotten.

DH and I made a decision before we married, that we would spend Christmas Day in our home, just us. And with only one or two exceptions, that's what we've done for over 35 years. The only times we didn't stick to our rule, were, frankly, just not Christmas. Since our dcs became adults, we've always been very clear with them that whilst they are very welcome to spend Christmas Day here, they are absolutely NOT obligated to. I want them to be here because they want to be here, not because they feel bullied into it. Until now, they've chosen to be here, though I think one of them may decide to stay in their own home with their partner this year. And if they do, I really won't have an issue with it.

OP your proposed attendance is completely satisfactory and would appease even the strictest Irish mother. I'm genuinely not sure what more your mum could want!

Trills - I had not thought about travelling tickets because my family are not so spread out, we all drive and Christmas is never going to be what it was. As a child it was normal to me to be driven round picking up the relatives coming to my parents' house. Organising travel plans was not something that had featured for me. I see now why it might be necessary to organise earlier than me.

Er, you will be home at Christmas! What's her objection?

When my children leave home and become independent I hope that they will have a conversation with each other, me, respective partners, to make sure everyone is sorted at Christmas and reasonably happy with what is planned, but I would not like anyone to put undue pressure on anyone else. I'm very used to having Christmas without my kids on their 'dad' years and have always made it clear that I (genuinely!) enjoy those occasions just as much, just in a different way.

My dh is Irish but there's no pressure on us. We take it in turns my family / his family and last year in our own house with his sister and his mum went to his other sister. No one gets stressy.

I have sympathy OP!

This drives me mad - I am single with no children. I have a sister who has children so she is 'allowed' to do Christmas at home as she wants. I would love to have a relaxing Christmas in my own home and do it my way but every year I spend it driving around and sleeping on my parents sofa - not relaxing at all. Because I am single I am told that I obviously can't spend it on my own and no one from my family will come to me because apparently my flat is too small.

It really gets to me every year - it feels like because I don't have a family of my own I don't get a say in how I spend Christmas. And to say that someone is 'peculiar' just because they don't want to do what you want them to do is pretty selfish!

xx

Remember the Hatfield train crash when the East Coast line was buggered in the weeks running up to Christmas? I had a young Scots woman working for me at the time and I went into her room to hear her say "Mummy, I'm sorry, just to get a ticket you have to queue for hours then they can't promise a seat. Not this year. We'll come at Easter. Promise." Then she put the phone down and said "YES. Thank you Railtrack, we don't have to go, Cyprus and the warm for us. I wonder how many others are saying that!"

And I said, "Margaret - I wonder how many parents are saying "YES. Thank you Railtrack, we don't have to have them this year!".

She had not thought of it that way but you have to wonder.

You haven't explained the problem.

You'll be there Christmas and Boxing Day. What does 'Christmas' mean to your mum?

When I was 35, I'd only not been home twice for Christmas. My parents were very upset. After I had a child I could no longer do busses and trains with a small child and presents.

They won't come to us as they don't like to not be in control. I'm not an only child but they've had a massive tantrum and no longer really make any effort as we are not there.

Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day ARE Christmas... anything else is just holiday.
DD2 will be spending Christmas with her boyfriend's family this year. They did it two years ago too. the first time was weird not having all 3 dcs here together, but life goes on. They will come over for drinks etc one evening before Christmas and then go down south for the main event. it's not a big deal really as she is happy to be with her partner. she is 24.

Aaaaaah! The 'C' word!!!
I used to go home for every Christmas when my DP's were alive - my brother mostly until he had a girlfriend so missed it once.
Since M&D have passed, I can't be arsed with it anymore.
Have done voluntary work over the Xmas period a couple of times since, at least I have an 'acceptable' thing going on if people ask me. Was honest once, saying I was looking forward to relaxing solo, watching telly etc etc - Had such a lot of grief over that. So, this year, am looking forward to voluntary work again

OP I'm guessing this is about 27th Dec - 2nd Jan? That is ridiculous. I used to be at the pub on Xmas day when I lived with my folks (in the evening with older sibling) and then we just got on with our lives after that. My parents do like Christmas but to them it's a day, which is sensible.

Gemi Ive often thought it would be nice to spend Xmas day in my little flat, watching tv and eating crisps, but my family would be so upset. I just find it so weird. And the trains are a problem...not sure if any news is around for Boxing Day trains this year.

If I was in a couple I don't think my parents would mind me staying in the flat. but my sister would certainly be expecting to be with me no matter what. She and I aren't even religious! It doesn't make sense how this holiday became such a nightmare of expectation.

Am horribly aware of my miserable, squinky attitude. Not proud