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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working adult kids and Christmas?

130 replies

thekittensmittens76 · 20/09/2017 18:32

Do yours come home? Do you get angry if they don't?

OP posts:
Andylion · 20/09/2017 19:29

Those 3 days are Christmas

Agreed.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2017 19:33

If they didn't have children and just wanted to sit home on their own I'd think them peculiar!

If they had children and we're doing a family Christmas then I would hope to be invited.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/09/2017 19:33

I seriously hope when DS grows up that he doesn't think its fine to drop in a few days before or after Christmas.
Really? Are you a mother or a dictator?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2017 19:34

Both, Justmuddling, both!

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/09/2017 19:35

I don't understand 'angry' but I must admit that like tawdry I would expect as many as possible of the family to gather at Christmas . For many years now that has been at our house but when the DC have families it will be up to them... hopefully they will want to be with family too... It doesn't matter where

JeNeBaguetteRien · 20/09/2017 19:36

My parents don't mind either way, if I come they're glad to see me, if I don't we phone each other. Over the last few Christmases I've had some with DH, some with my family, some with friends, some we've gone abroad to somewhere hot. Then DM always says she wishes she could do that too but she feels too obliged to stay home and "do Christmas"!

Tawdry you do know that just wanting a relaxed Christmas is a valid enough reason not to come. Fuck that "taking turns with in laws" is one of the "exemptions". When DH and I married we specifically made sure not to get into any kind of Christmas rota.

Tigerlovingall · 20/09/2017 19:42

I couldn't call round to my parents for Christmas, once we were all grown up they were OFF! Somewhere hot(ish) and having the time of their lives. As it should be, I've always thought. Good for them.
I was always working over the hols but away from the 6th Jan.for a week. Great! .
My grown up kids were out at the clubs, having fun. Again, as it should be.
Well, in my world it is.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2017 19:42

I truly think this is cultural. I will be in Ireland this year as usual, and will be meeting friends who are coming from Sydney, Brisbane, France, New Zealand, Moscow and Dubai.

We have all missed Christmases with our families for unavoidable reasons, but in general we like our families, are conscious that we won't have them forever, and are happy to sleep on air beds if necessary!

Itmustbemyage · 20/09/2017 19:42

I'm a mum and if my grown up DS's and their families want to come for Christmas Day that's great, if not we celebrate on a different day. I don't get worked up about it all or lay a huge guilt trip on them and I love Christmas and go all out , but as I'm not a Christian the actual day we get together really doesn't matter. I would rather they came because they wanted to rather than feeling obligated.

Crumbs1 · 20/09/2017 19:44

I like mine home for Christmas but it's their choice. They do come back home if they can and partners join for some, all or none of the week. Last year one was working Christmas morning but my husband persuaded the ferry company to hold the last ferry for 15 minutes to allow her time to get from the hospital to the ferry port. They gave her a free ride, reserved a space at the back so she could drive straight on. They'd told all the passengers they were waiting for a young doctor and when she climbed up from the car deck to the lounge she was cheered and presented with a tin of chocolates, a glass of champagne and a mince pie (which she ate because she couldn't bear to tell them she's veggie). Christmas is so lovely it would be a pity not to have those you love around you.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 20/09/2017 19:44

i have a big irish family (40+ is my siblings X 8, their partners and their children) that is why i don't go home for Xmas day, it's chaos.
the food is awful due to my elderly mother not letting anyone do anything.
there are not enough chairs and dinner is sometimes served on a combination of paste tables.

None of the kids spend any time with their toys etc
And we can't drink the gin necessary to survive the day because of driving home.

We went to MIL's once before and it was a nightmare, so we stay at home, on our own, and have a lovely day.
It only took a year or two of sulking for them to get over it.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2017 19:46

I will admit the food tends to suck due to too much going on, and everyone drinking champagne a l'orange from 10am on.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 20/09/2017 19:50

my mum puts the veg on the same time as the turkey

HolyShmoly · 20/09/2017 19:51

I'm Irish and we'll be going home for Christmas, however the main reason that we go home for around 10 days is that it makes sense and all our friends will be home around then too so lots of social engagements.
If we didn't live as far away, I don't see why spending more than Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day would cause a massive fuss. Once we have kids there will most likely be years when we don't go home for Christmas day. That's life. My Mum understands that we have our own homes.

In saying that, most of my siblings live very near home so they don't need to 'go home' as they'll just call round instead.

I don't understand how much longer OP's Mum wants her to stay?

Scribblegirl · 20/09/2017 19:53

We always make the biggest effort to spend Christmas with the families, it helps that I have a job that I can WFH so even if I'm covering Christmas I can be with mum and dad but keep an eye on the laptop etc.

DMil does have a tendency to cry when it's the year she doesn't get her PFB on the day (although we do go over on Boxing Day so it's hardly like we don't turn up...) but she does get a bit emotional when we have to leave any weekend with her. I don't blame her, it's always been her and her DS (no siblings or dad on the scene) and I don't think it's manipulative, it's just how she feels and I wouldn't dream of being cross, she's sad and that's understandable.

If either of our DMs started throwing hissy fits because they expected us to be there on the day it would be a bloody quick way to make us not want to be there, TBH. When you have your own family things change. Nothing wrong with being sad about that but no way should you emotionally manipulate adults into being with you if they've got multiple (and valid) conflicting demands.

The fact that we aren't forced to spend time with parents but move heaven and earth to do so because we want to suggests our parents did something very right, imo Smile

GherkinSnatch · 20/09/2017 19:54

DH and I both come from families where growing up it was normal to have Christmas Day as The Main Event with lots of family wrangling. We do it properly though, with consideration towards everyone. My family are happy to see us in the morning/until 2ish when we head to the PILs for Part 2. I love it, and I think it comes from growing up with that as normal and always looking forwards to seeing the rest of the family.

Equally though - no one would get upset if someone couldn't make it because of work or whatever. Part of the proceedings at PILs always involves Skyping his cousin and MIL's brother/family who live abroad too.

Katiepoes · 20/09/2017 19:55

Tawdry you are right that it's a big family thing in Ireland - but as another Irish person I HATE the pressure I am put under. The emotional blackmail, the sighing, the 'I suppose it's 'her' turn this year' - her being my mother-in-law who apparently has less right to see her son as she's Dutch and 'it's different'. It comes from my mother and my brothers and it's unfair and annoying. I have never been in my own home for Christmas - I read Rebecca's post above and shudder in recognition. And yeah I know 'grow a pair' blahblah but it's not that easy, and pretending we all love it because we're Irish and it's how we are is tedious. So again this year I am again heading back to the crap-midlands - town-I-fled the 90s bound to recreate childhood roles and pretend my mother can cook. She could come to me but then she'd not get to play the martyr - a less loveable side of the Irish mammy we don't hear so much of.

And breathe....

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2017 19:58

If I came from the Midlands I suppose it might be different in fairness!

romany4 · 20/09/2017 19:59

Ds1 is 24 and a chef. I've not had a Christmas with him since he left home at 17. He works every year and usually gets 28th and 29th off. That's it.
But I've never been upset or angry about it. I usually see him one of the days and the other he spends with friends.

blueskyinmarch · 20/09/2017 19:59

My DD1 is 25. She likes to come home for Christmas but she always goes back to London for new year as she likes to celebrate with her friends. Going home for three days at Christmas seems fine to me.

sobeyondthehills · 20/09/2017 20:01

Mum use to be a nurse, sister is a nurse, other sister is a shift worker as is her husband and both myself and partner worked in retail. We celebrated in January.

MrsJayy · 20/09/2017 20:03

I don't understand what she is upset about you are at hers over ChristmasConfused my dd is nightshift over christmas so will probably see her for a few hours

PurpleDaisies · 20/09/2017 20:03

If they didn't have children and just wanted to sit home on their own I'd think them peculiar!

Why? It's lovely having Christmas just me and dh. Christmas isn't just for children. Hmm

mathanxiety · 20/09/2017 20:05

I have a few grown children, and they do their best to spend time at home at Christmas. DD1 has arrived late Christmas Eve for the last two years, and has flown off either Boxing Day or the day after. This year DD2 will be in the same boat. DD3 may be flying off to do au pairing shortly after Christmas. I am thrilled that they can manage the time they do. They do not get much time off and I know there are more fun things they could be doing, and sunnier places to do it all in.

Up to two years ago I had to pack three of the DDs and DS off to spend half of the school Christmas holiday with exH. The DCs hated it and it put pressure on me to get Christmas sorted, a week's worth of laundry for up to four people done and packed, and then deal with the glum faces when they saw the calendar. One year exH demanded I get the DCs ready to be taken to see exMIL on Boxing Day, two days before his half of the holiday was to start. I dug my heels in and told him I would not spend Christmas Day packing.

Since that particular Christmas circus was stopped our Christmases have been so much more relaxed, and I value every minute any of them can spend at home. I am very grateful that the older ones have jobs that keep them away. Many grads do not, or their jobs don't pay enough for them to afford to live independently.

I have not been 'home' for Christmas myself since 1988. When I first moved to the US we used to go to exMIL's every year and this continued until it became ridiculous - schlepping a baby and two small children plus all Santa's toys plus clothes for everyone in a Honda sedan got to be a bit much, and that was before factoring in the 9 hour drive both ways and the freezing rain that often beset exMIL's neck of the woods. The year we declared independence was the nicest Christmas I had spent in the US. ExMIL did not forgive me for keeping her son so far away...

mathanxiety · 20/09/2017 20:05

I have a few grown children, and they do their best to spend time at home at Christmas. DD1 has arrived late Christmas Eve for the last two years, and has flown off either Boxing Day or the day after. This year DD2 will be in the same boat. DD3 may be flying off to do au pairing shortly after Christmas. I am thrilled that they can manage the time they do. They do not get much time off and I know there are more fun things they could be doing, and sunnier places to do it all in.

Up to two years ago I had to pack three of the DDs and DS off to spend half of the school Christmas holiday with exH. The DCs hated it and it put pressure on me to get Christmas sorted, a week's worth of laundry for up to four people done and packed, and then deal with the glum faces when they saw the calendar. One year exH demanded I get the DCs ready to be taken to see exMIL on Boxing Day, two days before his half of the holiday was to start. I dug my heels in and told him I would not spend Christmas Day packing.

Since that particular Christmas circus was stopped our Christmases have been so much more relaxed, and I value every minute any of them can spend at home. I am very grateful that the older ones have jobs that keep them away. Many grads do not, or their jobs don't pay enough for them to afford to live independently.

I have not been 'home' for Christmas myself since 1988. When I first moved to the US we used to go to exMIL's every year and this continued until it became ridiculous - schlepping a baby and two small children plus all Santa's toys plus clothes for everyone in a Honda sedan got to be a bit much, and that was before factoring in the 9 hour drive both ways and the freezing rain that often beset exMIL's neck of the woods. The year we declared independence was the nicest Christmas I had spent in the US. ExMIL did not forgive me for keeping her son so far away...