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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is cheeky

115 replies

Ttbb · 19/09/2017 10:54

Also a WWYD

So we have our son down for three (the only three) prep schools in our area. One of the (A) is very good sendingchildren to Eton and Stowe and what not. This our first choice. The second one (B) belongs to an averagely good public school. It seems fine, I would be happy for my sons to go there but our hopes lie further afield for senior school. Third school (C) belongs to as less good private school. We do not want our children to go there long term but the junior school seems fine. Son is on the nursery department there and we are quite happy with it. He is garunteed a place in the junior school as a result.

School B has just sent us a letter offering DS a place for next year requiring a response and a non-refundable deposit by 28th of September. September! School A doesn't even offer places until January. We have every reason to be hopeful about obtaining a place at school A but the school is selective so we are worried that we may fall short as far as nursery reccomendations etc go.

The deposit the school B is asking for is £500. It's not a huge sum of money but we have had a lot of financial difficulties and burdens recently so it's not a small sum for us at present. WWYD pay the deposit at risk of loosing it or defer accepting to offer at risk of not obtaining a place at schools A or B being left with C?

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 19/09/2017 13:39

If that was aimed at me I'm not British neither are my parents but I went to school here.

You're coming across as a snob about schools if I'm being perfectly honest and acting like you're sending your child to private to benefit others

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2017 13:40

"Why do British people have to get so wound up about state vs private? This is our choice, we've made it, does it really matter? "

Of course it's your choice. Just a shame you had to be so negative about state schools in the process!

overnightangel · 19/09/2017 13:43

"We would never consider state. As far as I am aware they are not good but haven't really checked. "
So you've not checked.
You say you don't like being "fleeced" but you're going to fork out for private school without even knowing if it's any better?
The mind boggles

Original poster
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 13:45

i didn't realise I was coming across as particular negative-sorry. I know that in some parts of the country they can be very good. I will concede to sounding snobbish, I normally do, if you ever get in a conversation with me about tea you will regret it. I generally assume that everyone is on the same page when having discussions, clearly not the case on the internet, will try to be more tactful next time, v sorry if I've offended anyone. Not the intention I assure you, just careless/preoccupied with nightmare visions of being denied a place at school A.

OP posts:
Ragusa · 19/09/2017 13:48

A 'nightmare vision' is losing everything in a hurricane. Being a refugee. That sort of thing. Not being denied a place at school A. IMHO.

JemandScout · 19/09/2017 13:49

Given how much private education will cost you, it's a drop in the ocean so I would pay it so you have a back up option for A.

Tweennightmare · 19/09/2017 13:53

Think you made the right choice . If A is as good as you say there will be a lot of competition always good to have a back up and considering you will be paying over a hundred thousand pounds total over your sons education , five hundred pounds is nothing in the scheme of things

Original poster
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 13:54

overnightangel It's just a cultural thing. We were raised thinking that if you have kids you pay for them so we just never thought of it as an option in the same way that we never did any research about circumcision or the cost of baptisms (do they even charge for that kind of stuff?). It's just not how stuff is done on our family so we didn't bother thinking about it. I really don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to explain it, it's just what it is I guess it would be like looking at girls schools for the sake of knowing what's out there.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 19/09/2017 14:01

As far as I know you don't pay for circumcision ....
....
You just leave a tip

I'll get my coat..... Blush

cinnamontoast · 19/09/2017 14:10

Ttbb

You might not have thought about state schools but I suggest you do now, for the following reasons:

  1. By sending your children to private school you are helping to create a two-tier education system, which is damaging for everybody: it depletes the state system of resources (engaged, affluent parents; bright children creamed off by selective private schools) and it creates an educational apartheid that means your children will grow up in a bubble with no understanding of how the majority of people live.
  1. There is ample evidence that middle-class children thrive academically in state schools, even ones that aren't particularly good.
  1. If you are thinking ahead to university entrance, the automatic advantage that applicants from private schools used to have is on the wane, with policies to redress the balance so that state school pupils don't lose out.
  1. Children from private schools tend to do less well at university than their state-school-educated counterparts with similar A level results. That is attributed to the fact that they are spoon fed at private school and do not learn how to think and act independently.
  1. All parents want to do the best for their children; but it is shortsighted to think of that in purely financial terms. You might like to consider that what's best for your children is to enable them to mix with children from different backgrounds. That will not only give them a far more realistic view of society but it will enrich their lives in ways that you cannot imagine.

My DD goes to a fairly average state school and has just got ten A*s for her GCSEs. My DS went to the same one and got excellent A level results - better than his oldest friend who went to the top private school in the area. They have both achieved more than the DCs of an (ex) friend who said that the reason she sent her kids to private school was so they would mix with children from wealthy families rather than with working-class kids. You can dress it up how you like but that is basically the reason most people go private - only they don't admit it. It's shameful and divisive, and their children deserve better.

Sunnyshores · 19/09/2017 14:25

I find it quite concerning that you have already decided your children will go to Eton. They havent even started school, you have no idea what sort of school will suit them in 8 years. Private schools arent always better and just because Etons full of very wealthy elite it certainly doesnt make it even better.

IMO the benefit of being able to afford private education means the ability to chose the right school for my children

Original poster
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 14:32

Toast-my parents lived under communism, I cannot begin to express how horrified I am by the suggestion that the provision or existence of a private alternative isn't good. An absence of choice, real choice, is slavery. I am acutely aware of how fortunate I am to live in a time and place when I am free to choose how to educate my own children. I am also very glad that the state provides to option if free at the point of access education because children would miss out otherwise- prior to the opening of such schools 5% of children received no formal education at all. But I would never, could never accept an argument for state monopolies any more than I could accept a private one. I am glad that you are happy with your decision but please don't try to recruit my 'engaged, affluent' self to your agenda. It's not for me. This really is a matter of principle. I respectfully suggest that you are the one who is short sighted and ignorant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 14:33

Sunny-not set on Eton but something of that sort. Lots of children in Eton or on 100% means trsted bursaries btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 14:34

TBH The ultimate choice was going to be made with or DSs input.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/09/2017 14:47

"An absence of choice, real choice, is slavery."

A choice only available to the rich is not a choice.

Oh, and no, there are not lots of kids at Eton on 100% bursaries.

Original poster
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 14:58

73 went completely free, many more went on partial bursaries. The choice to privately educate isn't exclusively available to the rich. My parents were working class and I still went. About a third of my year came from families that were not anywhere near rich. There are plenty of options that make private schooling more affordable from bursaries and scholarships to only attending during the day and choosing less expensive schools.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 19/09/2017 15:03

By the way "lose" not "loose".

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2017 15:12

Excellent post cinnamon.

And overnightangel.

Areyoulocal · 19/09/2017 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsdraper1 · 19/09/2017 15:23

I hope to god the Daily Heil don't get hold of this one

SusanTheGentle · 19/09/2017 15:24

Also, I know a lot of PSPs. Many of them are twats. Money buys you something in education (I was a day girl myself) but I can tell you it often isn't manners, taste or class.

SilverySurfer · 19/09/2017 15:37

I thought Eton fees were something like £30k a year? Makes £500 a rather insignificant amount I would have thought.

There are good and bad state schools, just as there are good and bad private ones. Paying is no guarantee of the best education for your child.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 19/09/2017 15:49

I have noticed a trend with fee paying schools that were, in the past, considered "fall back options" i.e. Plan B to push the acceptance day forward to get you to commit.
Also gives them a better idea of numbers and they can always accept more later if they have places.
That way they don't get a flood of entries late in the process who have been refused Plan A.
It is about bums on seats.

cinnamontoast · 19/09/2017 17:05

I respectfully suggest that you are the one who is short sighted and ignorant.

There's nothing respectful about that comment, Ttbb. It's not 'ignorant' to recognise the advantages of a universal education system; it's a point of view shared by many educationalists. State education doesn't deprive you of choice and is in no way comparable to communism; you have a choice of state schools. What it does is avoid the situation where a minority of wealthy parents can purchase privilege for their children at the expense of everyone else in society.

I am sorry you are so lacking in imagination and empathy that you won't even consider the points I made about the advantages of a state education. The fact that you haven't even looked at state schools makes it pretty clear that your attitude to them is based on fear and snobbery. What a shame to bring up your children with such a narrow world view.

Logans · 19/09/2017 21:04

OP don't take others comments personally. It's impossible to mention the State vs Private topic without it descending into a bitchfest lively debate on Mumsnet.

I agree the £500 at this time sounds fairly normal and I'd just pay it for the peace of mind of keeping your options open.

Also, if you are in one of the popular school areas in the South East (London, Surrey, Berkshire) then you'd be mad not to have back up options! I'm glad you have school C in the bag at least.