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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is saying thank you really necessary?

88 replies

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 10:49

Discussion in our house.
DH complained before that I hadn't say thank you to him for things I would consider normal such as cleaning the bathroom or changing the bed sheets.

Things have been quite strained recently, and he seems to have decided that now is the right time to sort of step up a bit, i.e. Be civil again. That includes saying thank you regularly to me for doing things that, again, are pretty normal. Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom etc...

This drives me up the wall. They are NOT things that deserve a big thank you like if they were unusual or over the top. They are normal things that normal people do on a regular basis. Saying thank you like this says to me that 1- you see that as something special (is it really?? Is it going out of your way to cook a normal dinner?) 2- that positive reinforcement is essential to ensure that things are done and 3- which then means I feel manipulated was if I was supposed to do that thing again to get more praise.

Now I'm pretty sure most people would say that IBU but really. Thank you for putting the dishes away or putting the washing to dry???

OP posts:

SnowiestMountain · 18/09/2017 10:51

We say thank you all the time, it wouldn't occur to me not to. For example if he cooks dinner (most nights) then as he puts it on the table, I'll say 'that looks lovely, thank you.' Not in a forced way but in a very quick & natural way. I think it's just polite.
Maybe I live in an overly formal household!!

ComingUpTrumps · 18/09/2017 10:52

It is really polite and respectful to say thank you. I personally feel that, if Person A has done something kind for Person B, then Person B should really thank A. I have a similar situation with a relative, who has told me that they don't believe in saying please, and it just feels like such a shame because it would be nice to be spoken to kindly and politely.

AnUtterIdiot · 18/09/2017 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartStrings · 18/09/2017 10:52

I always say thank you naturally anyway. It's the small things that mean a lot and I love to show my appreciation

TonySoppyrano · 18/09/2017 10:53

I do thinks it's important, yes, but there are complexities

I think men expect thank yous when they do mundane household chores because society implicitly tells them it's not their job and they are great for doing it and us women (whose job it actually is) should be grateful.

However, I think we should say thank you to each other for the things we do to contribute to the household every day both women and men.

That way I think women's work (and the disparity between the amount men and women do) becomes visible and because it's nice to show that you do appreciate someone making your bed, cooking your tea etc.

TeenTimesTwo · 18/09/2017 10:54

I say thank you to DH for putting out the bins.
He says thank you for meals.
etc.

coddiwomple · 18/09/2017 10:55

I think a formal "thank you" is a bit much, but an acknowledgement that things are being done (bed sheets changed, diner cooked, bin already empty), a "you've done that, thanks" is nice.

If one does everything and the other one cleans the dishes once a year, he can't expect a medal!

DollyPartonsBeard · 18/09/2017 10:55

I don't know if it's necessary, but me and DP say 'thank you' to each other a lot.

Thank you for...

making a nice tea (even if it's oven Pizza and oven chips)
for putting the bins out
for picking up cat food
for folding the laundry
for being a good egg while one of us has had a difficult time

It's not given or received as a medal of praise, just an acknowledgement that one of us did a thing that made the other's life a little easier. But - we do have a pretty equal division of labour and don't harbour any secret resentments (I don't think!) about the other's labours.

But then, I'm into the whole 'gratitude' thing, so I like to be appreciative of both the small and large things that make my life a bit nicer.

Bambamber · 18/09/2017 10:56

My husband and I always thank each other, even for small things. To me it just acknowledges that they've done something that you appreciate. And I do appreciate what my husband does to help, just as he appreciates everything I do

user1493413286 · 18/09/2017 10:58

I usually say thank you to my OH for dinner as he puts a lot of effort in and him cooking takes longer than me clearing up after but I do notice that he will often tell me when he's done something like wash up or tidy up as if I should be thanking him but he doesn't thank me for the million things I do round the house otherwise we'd be saying thank you all day. I suppose if you're doing something for someone directly like making a cup of tea it's nice to say thank you but something like cleaning the bathroom is as much for you as him.

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 11:03

I feel that saying thank you all the time devalues the thank TBH.

So if you say thank you for preparing the meal, putting the washing to dry or whatever, then what do you do when the person is actually going out of their way to do something nice for them?
Eg you cook dinner, the other person is saying thank you. Then you cook an elaborate 3 course meal that takes hours to prepare exactely to their taste and you get ... a thank you.

I suspect this annoys me a lot because, as Tony'said, strangely enough, it seems to have been very normal before for me to do the cooking or the cleaning but for him to do it needed positive reinforcement and thank you.
And now I feel he is using that as a way to show how nice he is rather than true appreciation.

OP posts:

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 11:05

I have to say, I'm trying to imagine a situation where DH would say thank you each time that I am doing something 'for him', which will be more or less all the time as most things are 'shared', i.e. They are activities that benefit both of us, as most HW is.
And that in return I was saying thank you to him all the time.

That would be hell of a lot of time saying thank you TBH.

OP posts:

ElChan03 · 18/09/2017 11:06

The things you have listed are important things. Every small deed done deserves a show of gratitude. You say things have been strained and he's making an effort maybe what he's saying is you are worth it, thank you for what you do for me and I'm trying to help on return. A thank you costs nothing but means everything. Relationships are give and take and appreciating one another.

Say thank you and accept his thanks. See what happens from there!

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 11:06

And YY about saying thank you for making a cup of tea. But that's very different from cleaning the bathroom or cooking dinner.

OP posts:

ShotsFired · 18/09/2017 11:07

Saying "thank you" as part of normal everyday manners and chit chat is quite different to a formal as a special "thank you recognition ceremony", which is what @PositiveReinforcement seems to be getting at I think.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/09/2017 11:07

I say thank you, DP doesn't. But it's not because he's taking me to granted, he just wasn't brought up that way and thinks me thanking him for making me a cuppa is a) OTT and b) takes the sincerity out of times when a 'thank you' is really needed. He would, in all honesty, prefer it if I didn't thank him every time he handed me a drink.

I can see where he's coming from, but it's so ingrained in me to say thanks that it feels rude not to. Plus, I am grateful for the little things he (and others, obviously) does that I want to show my gratitude. But it doesn't bother me that he doesn't reciprocate, as I know he's appreciative.

Walkforvictory · 18/09/2017 11:08

I learned to do this as an adult. I use it genuinely so I don't think it's devalued. My kids have picked it up too and it's been a good change from my own upbringing. Every little bits helps our relationships I think.

WhitePhantom · 18/09/2017 11:11

If someone does something 'for you' then of course you should say thanks.

But normal household - ie. shared - tasks? No. He's not doing it 'for you' - he's doing it because it's just as much his job as yours! He's doing it 'for him' just as much as 'for you'.

Does he thank you every time you do any little household task? If so then maybe he has a case, but I suspect he doesn't...

Walkforvictory · 18/09/2017 11:16

If the front room looks tidy I notice it and tbf I'm thankful. But then I am not the type who spends a lot of time cleaning myself. I think for anyone a thank you or a comment that the place looks good is a nod to the fact that you have noticed their efforts.

DaisysStew · 18/09/2017 11:17

Expecting a thank you for cleaning the bathroom makes it seem like he sees it as your job and he's done you a favour by doing it.

I would definitely say thank you for brewing up, doing a job that is yours (like ironing your work clothes or similar) etc as it's just basic manners, but not for the examples you've given.

peachgreen · 18/09/2017 11:17

DH and I always say thank you to each other. It makes life happier and reminds us not to take each other for granted. Plus I am always grateful for everything he does, and vice versa.

It's pretty easy to distinguish between a simple "thank you" for cooking an every-day dinner and an enthusiastic thank you for something like a three-course meal!

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 18/09/2017 11:18

I wouldn't thank my dh for putting the bin out. It's a chore, not my personal bin. . He doesn't thank me for washing his stuff, if it's his laundry day (if I am at work) I don't thank him. . We do thank each other for a nice meal at the end of a hectic day as it's more personal.
We have a more than average manic life which would be taken up further with lots of thank yous. .

Autumnskiesarelovely · 18/09/2017 11:18

Thanks for meals.

Thanks for big manual jobs.

Anything else is a bit much, you work as a team. Does he thank you for your chores?

Walkforvictory · 18/09/2017 11:18

The best piece of relationship advice I ever heard was " do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?"

Which translated to me as do you want to prove a point or build a relationship? I grew up in a family of point scorers , my own family is a better place to be.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/09/2017 11:22

I'm with you (mostly). Why on earth would you thank someone for putting the bins out or cleaning the bathroom in their own house? [Unless you have 'agreed jobs' and they've done you a favour by doing one of yours.]. To me, that's bonkers.

Making a cup of tea or whatever is different because it's for you.

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