Is saying thank you really necessary?

[PositiveReinforcement]

Discussion in our house.
DH complained before that I hadn't say thank you to him for things I would consider normal such as cleaning the bathroom or changing the bed sheets.

Things have been quite strained recently, and he seems to have decided that now is the right time to sort of step up a bit, i.e. Be civil again. That includes saying thank you regularly to me for doing things that, again, are pretty normal. Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom etc...

This drives me up the wall. They are NOT things that deserve a big thank you like if they were unusual or over the top. They are normal things that normal people do on a regular basis. Saying thank you like this says to me that 1- you see that as something special (is it really?? Is it going out of your way to cook a normal dinner?) 2- that positive reinforcement is essential to ensure that things are done and 3- which then means I feel manipulated was if I was supposed to do that thing again to get more praise.

Now I'm pretty sure most people would say that IBU but really. Thank you for putting the dishes away or putting the washing to dry???

my answer was an immediate 'why?'

How odd. I'd just have replied with 'It's my pleasure, I love you, I hope you feel better after a sleep.'

Felling that they felt thatHADto say those two words make me uncomfortable

But surely your teen didn't HAVE to say thank you, they were being polite, which is the point of saying it, isn't it?

I think there is a big difference between feeling like a thank you is expected and forced as opposed to the natural way it is said in families where it is just a common part of communication.

Your teen showed appreciation! That's lovely. They mean 'I notice you've cleaned, I'm grateful because normally I should have done it. Your doing it makes me feel looked after while I'm ill.'

Your version of life seems to involve people feeling massively obligated towards each other, or to their own sense of duty, and never being acknowledged or appreciated by anyone.

It's as if you're in a perpetual state of childish strop, of the 'I'm doing it because I want to, because it's my job, not because you asked me to, or thanked me last time and might have the temerity to do so again' variety.

Btw your example with your DCs doesn't work - you said it was beautiful AND praised the effort. Their reaction was to the 'beautiful' comment. Surely if you'd said 'I can see you've tried really hard with that, well done for that', they might not have looked askance. They could have said 'I did but it didn't work out how I wanted' and you could have agreed but said that it's through practise that we get better at things. That is praising effort.

blimey, it actually just sounds like you're making a massive issue out of something you really don't need to
how nice your children say thank you. they seem like decent folk

Sounds to me like your ds said thank you because he is growing up and recognises the effort you make looking after everyone, ill or not. That is a credit to you, not something to be annoyed about. Appreciation goes a long way to building good relationships.

There are subtleties in our house. I'm not going to say thank you to my husband when he comes downstairs in a minute, from putting the kids to bed. He did say thank you to me this morning for making his coffee. I did say thank to him for picking me up after a meeting this morning when it was pouring with rain. I did not say thank you to him for changing the kids sheets, and he didn't thank me for washing them and drying them. We ALWAYS say thank you for food and drinks - this is clearly an important thing for us as we're both a bit food obsessed. I think as long as it's not some kind of passive-aggressive or tit for tat type of thing, then you don't need to say thank you all day long. Also don't like that thing of making a big song and dance if a man does something like cleans the bathroom, and you're expected to bow and scrape and do a load of #blessed crap.

We always say thank you/well done when we see the other doing sonething to contribute to the family (chores, landing a new client etc) but it's not necessary to say thank you for every single thing. It's more that it is rude to watch someone doesn't my sonething that will benefit you without saying thank you as opposed to making a mental check list of stuff that just needs to be done and saying thank you when the other person behaved like an adult and gets shit done.

DH gets upset if I thank him for doing routine jobs but I see it as the norm. I remember at home we always thanked mum for cooking dinner even though she did it every night. Sometimes it got a bit silly as anyone who'd done anything to help was thanked for their role. I think you should thank someoen when you notice but shouldn't get upset if soemone doesn't thank you.

It depends what it is - if OH cooked me tea or did the food shopping instead of me, I'd thank him. He comes to me after he's done the bins or put a wash on to tell me he's done in and it drives me NUTS because he wants a thank you for doing his jobs, when I never get a thanks for doing everything else!

This is quite interesting OP, I actually used to struggle with this also my husband sounds very similar to yours and would get a bit sulky if I didn't say thanks for this or that. I used to find it really hard as I just wasn't used to it from my family, we just sort of knew we appreciated things and didn't say it out loud. I had to kind of work on it as it meant a lot to him and I now do it naturally, but it did take some getting used to.

We say thank you for everything ranging from putting the bins out to cooking dinner to paying for holidays. We also say 'please' and 'sorry' and just try and show consideration to each other whenever we can. It doesn't take much - it's a nothing really but I believe it makes a massive difference. People want to feel appreciated. One of the reasons I got so fed up in my first marriage was that my DH never appreciated anything I did even though I did everything - he saw it as his right. It was as if saying 'thank you' or 'sorry' were beneath him'.

Although the words themselves might not mean that much at the time they are spoken the absence of them was huge and indicative of a general attitude towards me - all of which was terribly corrosive.

DP and I always thank each other.
If he cooks I always say 'thank you' when the plate is passed.
If I ask him to take the bin down I will say 'thank you'
If I've washed and ironed his work shirts for him he will say 'thank you'
It's just basic manners surely?