Is saying thank you really necessary?

[PositiveReinforcement]

Discussion in our house.
DH complained before that I hadn't say thank you to him for things I would consider normal such as cleaning the bathroom or changing the bed sheets.

Things have been quite strained recently, and he seems to have decided that now is the right time to sort of step up a bit, i.e. Be civil again. That includes saying thank you regularly to me for doing things that, again, are pretty normal. Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom etc...

This drives me up the wall. They are NOT things that deserve a big thank you like if they were unusual or over the top. They are normal things that normal people do on a regular basis. Saying thank you like this says to me that 1- you see that as something special (is it really?? Is it going out of your way to cook a normal dinner?) 2- that positive reinforcement is essential to ensure that things are done and 3- which then means I feel manipulated was if I was supposed to do that thing again to get more praise.

Now I'm pretty sure most people would say that IBU but really. Thank you for putting the dishes away or putting the washing to dry???

I was always told that the most important words in a relationship weren't 'I love you', but 'thank you'.

What seems a small thing to one person (ie, making a cup of tea) might have been a huge deal for the other person (they had to stop something really interesting they were doing, put it down, faff about looking for teabags etc). You only underestimate the effort if you don't say thank you.

Plus, it's just words. They cost nothing, they don't hurt to say. Just a smile and a 'thanks' can make someone else's day.

Me and DH say thank you to each other a lot. I hadn't really thought about it before, but we do. If I cook tea, he will say thank you, and if he cooks tea, I will say thank you. I don't think it devalues the thank you. If it's a normal tea, I would say something like "thanks for cooking tonight, it looks lovely", but if it was a special 3 course dinner then I'd say something like, "wow, this is impressive, thanks babes!".

Saying thank you to one another is a polite and decent acknowledgement.

HOWEVER (and this is a 10,000 ton however): this is only the case if the 'thank you' is gender neutral, i.e. if you both thank each other for ordinary tasks. If, as I shrewdly suspect may be the case here, you are expected to do a lot of work without thanks, while your husband expects thanks for every little thing, this points to a very real gender imbalance in the way that he perceives your 'roles' in the household, and a series of fairly old-fashioned and sexist assumptions.

Agree with some pp, I think it's nice to say thank you and doesn't necessarily devalue it.

We split HW fairly evenly and always say thank you to each other for odd jobs - for example, if we're cleaning at a weekend he might do the bathroom and I'll take the bedrooms. Next time I walk past/in the bathroom I'll say thanks for cleaning it because seeing it has reminded me that he cleaned it. Likewise if he then brings walks into the bedroom and I'm finishing tidying it he'll say thanks. Making a cup of tea for the other one, or cooking dinner, all get thank yous. It's polite and I think it helps remind the other person that you value having them around and sharing the workload.

I guess it's more a problem if you're expected to say thank you to him for doing things round the house that he should be doing anyway, but if it's fairly even and you both thank each other then I don't see what the negative is.

My wife and I thank one another for most tasks. It just makes living together a bit more pleasant. I think I probably started it, as she moved in with me and so gradually took on more tasks as the time she spent in the house increased, but she followed suit pretty quickly.
We also often add compliments for speed or style or for finally getting on with something boring.
Of course we are doing the task for the household rather than for one another but it also saves the other from having to do it.

Saying thanks for things like making a nice meal such as " that was lovely, thank you" or for making a cuppa is normal.
If your DH is cleaning the bathroom instead of you doing it I don't think it deserves a thank you

If you cook a fancy 3 course dinner or do something else 'above & beyond' in our house then you get a special kind of thank you

We're a household of three and always thank each other. It's just what we do - nobody has to be reminded. I'm quite unwell at the moment, so I'm additionally grateful to my hubby and teenager for the extra help around the house and I make sure they know.

It's easy to take each other for granted when you're running full steam through life, so gratitude is important.

I would say though that, if he is going out of his way to seek recognition for standard household tasks, perhaps there are issues he has which need discussing?

It's nice to acknowledge someone's efforts and be acknowledged when you make an effort. It's all stuff we need to do but it is nice to feel appreciated rather than taken for granted and doing what is expected of us. Anyone can make big grand gestures but sometimes it is the little things (like making dinner/tidying /doing bedtime with the kids) that make your day a bit easier. Being thoughtful and kind to one another can go a long way and keep a relationship in a happier place.

It feels a little like the advice to parents of annoying children: "Catch him doing something right and say: 'Thanks for not killing your sister!', 'Thanks for flushing the toilet!'.

My husband loves being thanked for doing the dishes or similar, but rarely notices I have swept the kitchen floor, cleaned under the furniture, recycled the old shampoo bottles, organised the spice shelf, etc.

Bambamber "My husband and I always thank each other, even for small things. To me it just acknowledges that they've done something that you appreciate. And I do appreciate what my husband does to help, just as he appreciates everything I do"

Exactly same here. You don't lose anything by thanking each other. Showing appreciation is a good thing and makes for a harmonious relationship.

It's manners to say thank you. You should be teaching your kids by example too.

Right or not, if DH does something without my asking, I'll say thanks.

My husband loves being thanked for doing the dishes or similar, but rarely notices I have swept the kitchen floor, cleaned under the furniture, recycled the old shampoo bottles, organised the spice shelf, etc.

This would drive me mad! It's so unequal!

My husband and I always thank each other, even for small things. To me it just acknowledges that they've done something that you appreciate. And I do appreciate what my husband does to help, just as he appreciates everything I do

This, on the other hand, is completely different.

I would really resent it if I were expected to thank him for every little thing that he did, but he just took everything I did for granted. DH and I say thanks for dinner, etc., but routine / mundane household chores? Nah. (Uness it's a big job, or something we've been putting off, then we'll say thanks, fair play to you, or whatever.)

It would be a bit odd if DH asked me to list everything I'd done around the house on a daily basis, then ran through the list and thanked more for each item individually. But we generally do say a thank you if we pass each other something, or notice that one of us has spontaneously done something for the other. DS8 has ADHD and is usually in his own little world in the morning, required a LOT of nagging to get him out of the house, so this morning he got thanked for putting his shoes on and switching the tv off without being screamed at asked (I will even be signing off his school champion reward chart this evening for it).

Me and DH both say thank you, not for every little chore but generally. If he's spent an hour after work cleaning whilst I'm asleep(night shift), I'll say thank you. He'll always say thank you when I've made dinner, I dont know why but he's always very grateful when I've cooked, and I do 99% of the cooking so its not like its because its rare.
There are also a lot of things we do together, like bedding, because we both equally hate doing it haha.
I think its because we both know how much we each loathe chores so appreciate each others efforts.
Also, we don't expect each other to do certain things, we compromise and say I'll do this, you do that. That way we're actually helping each other, rather than it being 'my job' or 'his job'

If it's been normal for you to do it without being thanked though, and he expects a thank you now, then that's a bit different. It's not teamwork.

The question is, does he see cleaning and other daily/weekly domestic drudge work as your job? So view himself as helping you? As requiring appreciation for this? If so, screw that and draw up a more equal rota for household tasks.

But, in general, appreciation is nice. I do say thank for a drink or meal - or 'this is nice' and a positive comment, especially if it's something new or that's taken effort. DP doesn't and I do find this rude, unappreciative and taking my efforts in cooking for granted. (We both cook). His lack of acknowledgement and occasional negative comments do not encourage me to make more interesting, effortful meals. That's about a positive versus negative attitude and learned behaviour, as well as different manners.

We don't thank each other for cleaning though, because that's just a task that needs doing. It is not presented to or enjoyed by the other person, in the way a meal or drink is. We (I) might acknowledge such a task positively but not with a 'thank you'.

Surely it depends on if he thinks he's doing you a favour. Does he say thank you for all the jobs you do?

Hmm I can see that him saying thank you for your ordinary chores COULD feel a bit patronising. Assuming that you have a one earner/one home-maker household, do you say thank you to him for going to work? 'Thank you for making an effort on that work project today' - would feel a bit odd. Although he does go to work for the both of you. His normal every day work benefits both of you because his wage pays for you both. Any extra effort he makes at work probably benefits both of you too, e.g. if it could lead to future pay rises/career progression. And yet even among those PP who claim to always say thank you, I suspect that few (if any) say 'thank you for having gone to work today' every day.

So what is the difference between money earning work and housework that makes it normal to say 'thank you for doing [insert unpaid housework task] today' but odd to say 'thank you for earning money today'? I don't know.

When I'm feeling low and my confidence is rock-bottom, a 'thank you for doing the washing' can feel like a blow. Like he is saying that I usually don't pull my weight and so he is appreciative that today (for a change) I did contribute to the family. I then have to work hard to remind myself that this is my low mood/low confidence speaking, that in fact I do contribute my fair share, and that he is merely expressing his appreciation of that fact.
In contrast, when I'm feeling good in myself, then I may be feeling proud of my day's achievements and a missing thank you may make me think he didn't recognise/appreciate my efforts.

OP if his new-found thank you's are making you feel bad, is it because you are feeling low and cannot believe that he may actually be appreciating you? Because you secretly feel that you are not worthy of being loved/appreciated?
Or is it because you think he is only pretending appreciation, in an effort to control you, perhaps even to gaslight you.

FWIW I do think it is extremely important in a relationship to show each other that you recognise and appreciate each other's efforts. I do not think that saying regular thank you's is the only way to do that though, maybe not even the best way (it can become formulaic and lose its meaning/function, turning into simple habit rather than an expression of anything at all).

A thank you is an acknowledgement of a thoughtful or kind act. Household tasks are not thoughtful or kind acts, they are shared duties tasks. Unless they go beyond routine tasks. For e.g a DIY task, no thank you required IMO. Its similar thinking to people that want constant praise in work, for simply doing their job - your recognition is your wages.

Sorry to lower the tone, but do you have to thank him for sex, does he thank you ?

This is interesting because I remember my thoughts on it as a child, and how complicated good manners are. As a kid I said thank you because it was what grown ups told me to do, but I didn't really appreciate the importance of the gratitude behind it until I was an adult. I remember thinking as a child it was doubly pointless if my mum instructed me to say thank you in front of whoever I was saying it to, because that person would then know it wasn't really coming from me. (Now of course I know why my mum would have done it.) As a teenager I actually sneered at the formalities of saying please and thank you; and I was very amused by a quote which said: "The Europeans have good food; the British have good table manners."

As an adult, I do think saying thank you is important between partners, to show appreciation. If I'm extra grateful for something, I add "I really appreciate it".

I see what some people mean about the other partner not expecting it, perhaps because of their upbringing. I always say thank you if DH makes a meal, and he sometimes replies "that's all right " with an inflection that sounds almost surprised to hear it. But I sometimes get annoyed by other routine phrases, such as "bless you". If I'm having a sneezing fit, I don't want to hear "bless you" after every one, and certainly not "bless you again" which my DH has a habit of saying.

Also "please" is an interesting one. I'm sure many parents are familiar with this exchange:
Child: Can I have a biscuit?
Parent: No.
Child: Please can I have a biscuit?
Parent: No.
Child: But I said please!

To a child, is "please" is about being polite, or about getting what you want, or is it something they have to say because they're children? I remember noticing when adults didn't say please or thank you (to each other).

I was going to say yes, of course it's necessary, but DH and I wouldn't think of thanking each other for completing routine tasks. That'd be weird for us.

Does he thank you for doing these things?

If not, he's being treated the way he treats you.

Good manners cost nothing. The only way you could devalue saying thank you would be to say it sarcastically when it isn't what you actually mean.

OP it sounds as though your DH is making an effort in your relationship and you need to have a think about exactly why that is so annoying to you.

Does he say thank you for all the jobs you do?

Does he thank you for doing these things?

From the op:

includes saying thank you regularly to me for doing things that, again, are pretty normal. Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom etc...