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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is saying thank you really necessary?

88 replies

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 10:49

Discussion in our house.
DH complained before that I hadn't say thank you to him for things I would consider normal such as cleaning the bathroom or changing the bed sheets.

Things have been quite strained recently, and he seems to have decided that now is the right time to sort of step up a bit, i.e. Be civil again. That includes saying thank you regularly to me for doing things that, again, are pretty normal. Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom etc...

This drives me up the wall. They are NOT things that deserve a big thank you like if they were unusual or over the top. They are normal things that normal people do on a regular basis. Saying thank you like this says to me that 1- you see that as something special (is it really?? Is it going out of your way to cook a normal dinner?) 2- that positive reinforcement is essential to ensure that things are done and 3- which then means I feel manipulated was if I was supposed to do that thing again to get more praise.

Now I'm pretty sure most people would say that IBU but really. Thank you for putting the dishes away or putting the washing to dry???

OP posts:

RandomUsernameHere · 18/09/2017 12:24

I think it's normal to say thank you for preparing a meal or bringing someone a cup of tea, which my DH does, but not for doing household chores. In the same way I don't say thank you to him for going to work every day.
He does sometimes acknowledge that the house looks nice though, or that I do a good job looking after the DCs, which is nice. The fact that it's not said all the time makes it more meaningful.

Poshindevon · 18/09/2017 12:27

How can you devalue saying thank you ?
My OH regularly thanks me and I him.

sleepymama81 · 18/09/2017 12:31

We both say thank you for lots of things, and mean it but not for everything tiny thing.

When I cook dinner (most nights because I'm a SAHM and he doesn't get in until gone 7pm) he'll eat it and say 'that was lovely Sleep, thank you'. He probably wouldn't say thank you if I later make us both a hot drink and just stuck them on the table and I wouldn't notice or really expect it. But he would say thanks, if for example he was working from home one day and I said 'do you fancy a cup of tea' then made him one.

I say thanks when he does some things too. Again, not everything. We share housework when he's home from work but I do the majority of it as I'm home all day. So if he does something outside of his 'normal jobs' (we don't have set things to do but have fallen into a pattern of doing certain things, he always does the bins for example) that I would normally do to save me from doing it later then I'll say thanks.

It's just appreciating when someone has made an effort to do something for you isn't it, even if it is a small thing. I wouldn't generally thank him for doing something for DD like a nappy change, were both responsible for her - whoever smells it, cleans it! But if I was rushing out of the door and had to stop to change her and he said 'leave that to me, I'll do it, you go' then I'd say thanks.

sparklewater · 18/09/2017 12:32

We say thank you if something is handed to us (dinner, cup of tea, etc) but not for household jobs that have happened in our absence.

If a wash gets put on because the person doing it knew the other person needed something clean then that would get a thank you. Doing the dishes and tidying up when it was the other person's 'turn' (we loosely take turns at doing dc bedtimes and tidying downstairs) would get a thank you. A big random deep clean of the bathroom / front room etc would get a 'ooooh, that looks lovely!' - so recognition of effort but not a thank you as such, as it benefits everyone :)

1wokeuplikethis · 18/09/2017 12:35

I've been brought up with good manners and I value them in others. Me & DH thank the other after mealtimes, it's not expected but for the one who cooked to get a 'thanks for that love' or a 'that was lovely, thank you' it's showing appreciation at having food prepared and made for you that you've enjoyed. If my husband made something awful I'd say 'thanks darling, don't think we'll have that again though'. Similarly when one of us blasts the kitchen, bathroom etc the other tends to say 'kitchen looks great!' Or similar. It's not something we have formally discussed as that's a bit strange, but to put the shoe on the other foot, if I cooked and cleaned and my husband never commented on it or thanked me I would think he doesn't notice and doesn't appreciate it and would be inclined to stop or in the very least feel a bit pissed off and tell him. Like your husband has done to you.

We are just kind to each other basically. Kindness goes a long way.

Puppymouse · 18/09/2017 12:39

DH does all the cooking here. I always say thank you to him for making it. It's just polite and appreciative.

sleepymama81 · 18/09/2017 12:40

Yeah @sparklewater I don't get thanked for things that are done in my OHs absence either and I wouldn't expect to be. It's just what I do as part of my day, it doesn't warrant thanks. It'd be weird and patronising if he came home from work and said 'oh I see you cleaned the bathroom, vaccumed, and did three loads of washing today. Thank you!' I'd definitely be giving him the side-eye wondering what he was after.

He does often come home at the end of the week and say something along the lines of 'The house looks lovely, you must not have stopped all week - shall we get a takeaway and just put our feet up tonight?' so I don't feel unappreciated even without a thanks

Shadow666 · 18/09/2017 12:43

It would drive me bonkers too OP. If I expected my kids to thank me for everything I did we'd be there all day. It's ridiculous.

crochetmonkey74 · 18/09/2017 12:43

we thank each other all the time, but it is not so formal. We might be giving a cuddle and say, 'thanks for doing all the washing today' and saying Thank you for a meal just seems a normal thing to say.
So yes we do, but it doesn't feel forced and formal. I have been in some houses where it does feel a bit like that, but now thinking about it I can't put my finger on why as they use the same words..

sparklewater · 18/09/2017 12:43

Thinking about it though, we do say sorry quite often - as in, 'sorry the kitchen's a state, I haven't stopped today!' :D

thecolonelbumminganugget · 18/09/2017 12:53

We say thank you to each other for doing little things, it just helps jolly the job along and costs nothing in terms of time or effort. Going above and beyond can be distinguished with a quick kiss or hug if you're worried that thank you loses its meaning. It doesn't take much but it just things more pleasant imo.

We both do the same amount of chores and both say thank you, this isn't me pandering to a needy DH

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 12:57

I think it's totally different to say 'oh that kitchen looks great!' And saying thank you.

Posh how can you devalue saying thank you?
I think it's like says no sorry. Or saying than you when you are at the till at the supermarket.
I think we all say thank you about 4 or 5 times whilst paying. I'm sure no one think it means a real thanks to the person (try to say thank you whilst really meaning it or with a smile and you will see the look of surprise of the person at the check out)
When you say thank you all the time to your partner, esp for things that really ARE part of his responsibilities, then these two words become meaningless. They might help putting some oil in the interaction (that's why we use them at the till etc) but they will not convey a thanks or gratitude.
Besides, why on earth should one be grateful that their partner has done something that benefits them anyway (clean the bathroom) or that is part of their responsibility (put a child to bed)?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2017 12:58

We do say thank you to each other, but it's only as a PP says, I say thank you if my dp has done something for me e.g. A delicious dinner, not got something he's done for the household iyswim. I think saying thank you for cleaning the bathroom implies it's my job and he's done it as favour to me.

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 13:04

It would drive me bonkers too OP. If I expected my kids to thank me for everything I did we'd be there all day. It's ridiculous.

Actually that reminds me of when the dcs were little.
I remember reading that it was important to praise them for their effort/what they did. So started to do that. Along the lines of 'look that picture is beautiful. You've clearly out a lot of effort into it haven't you?'.
My dcs have both always met that sort of comment with THE look on their face. Each and every time I asked them what they thought about it, they said the drawing was crap, they didn't like xx, it didn't look like a car etc...
I feel the same. Praise when it's not warranted and has no reason to be.

Eg not long ago, I was cleaning the bathroom. Cue for DH to come over and say 'oh thanks for cleaning the bathroom and the plants'
I was doing a quick clean just before my PIL arrived so there was a clean loo/bathroom for them to use. I also wanted the house not too look much like a tip and for them to feel comfortable. The thank you for me had no meaning. I didn't do that for DH, i did it for myself so I could feel confortable having guests coming for the day.... so really a thank from him felt out of place.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 18/09/2017 13:05

Besides, why on earth should one be grateful that their partner has done something that benefits them anyway (clean the bathroom) or that is part of their responsibility (put a child to bed)?

Because I AM grateful when my partner does those things, because they benefit me as well? I'm grateful to him for sharing the load, for carrying out his half of our shared responsibilities effectively and willingly. And saying it does confer my gratitude, just as I feel that he appreciates me when he thanks me for something. And I'll teach my kids to do the same!

It seems strange to me to be resentful over expressing gratitude to my partner.

peachgreen · 18/09/2017 13:08

When I was studying teaching I learned that there are two types of people: those who like to be praised for effort, and those who like to be praised for achievement. Sounds to me like your DH is the former and you (and your DCs) are the latter. So using the example of your DC's pictures, they only wanted praise when they felt it was warranted (i.e. a really great picture) whereas your DH would want his effort acknowledged, as he does with the chores.

Everybody's different, but what it comes down to is that while you don't value your DH's thank yous (which is fine and your prerogative) but your DH obviously WOULD value you expressing your gratitude. It wouldn't take a lot of effort - so why not just do it?

Walkforvictory · 18/09/2017 13:16

Op your issue seems to be one of accepting thanks.

So that's affecting how you perceive giving thanks. It's complicated because in some way you do seem to be evaluating a lot of factors. Essentially point scoring?

I am probably projecting! But I thought it might be worth a shot if your aim is to get better communication with your husband.

Please don't take offence!

Walkforvictory · 18/09/2017 13:17

Ah Peachgreen has maybe got to the nub of it.

Chunkymonkey123 · 18/09/2017 13:21

I think this whole thing speaks volumes about your feelings towards your DH. Are you looking for things to be mad about? You are angry that he recognises the things you do and thanks you for them.

I cook dinner every night. I don't have to, we could eat out of the freezer. I expect my DH to say that was nice, thanks and if he didn't I would feel undervalued.

This reminds me of a film about a mining town where she realises she should leave her fiancé as he didn't bother to say thank you when she bought him a cup of tea. It shows a lack of respect.

Puffpaw · 18/09/2017 13:27

It costs nothing to say thank you or show appreciation. Dh and I thank each other all through the day. It's kind and polite, why take each other for granted. We've been together for a loooooong time, so I think it works well

streetface · 18/09/2017 13:28

Yeah, I say thanks and expect the same. I totally get where you are coming from OP, after all, I expect my husband to clean, cook and tidy because HE wants to live in a lovely home and he has equal responsibility to ensure our children do too, but I say thanks automatically, because, well I have just been brought up like that and I think it is a good example to the children to show gratitude for co-operation and teamwork. If they come from a home where we all acknowledge the work everyone does then when they grow up they will not take their spouses for granted and it creates a good foundation for their future.

A lot of the reason there is such little conflict in my marriage I'm sure is because I don't feel taken for granted. I get, "thanks for dinner that was lovely" and "the house looks really nice, thanks for doing it today", etc. I would have to cook for the kids or clean the house when / if he wasn't doing it anyway but knowing it is appreciated makes me feel valued. I reciprocate.

Same as when the kids get their shoes on really quickly if we are rushing or if they help with washing up after I've told them to. It's not like they have a choice but I will always say, "thanks, that's really helped me out" so it doesn't feel like I'm barking orders.

It's nice to be thankful for everything good in your life.

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 13:39

Peach actually I think DH wanted to be praise because he thought he had gone out of the way by cleaning the kitchen....

OP posts:

BeALert · 18/09/2017 13:40

We thank each other for a lot of that stuff.

It's another way of saying 'I love you and I appreciate you'.

The meaning isn't lessened because we say it a lot. If anything the meaning is more than just 'thank you'.

We try to have a relationship of being grateful for each other rather than point-scoring over who's done what. Saying thank you helps that.

Original poster

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 13:51

Another example as to why it makes uncomfortable.

dc now a teen and is ill so has a day off at home. After sleeping all morning, they ave lunch with me and then end back to bed. (which means really ill for them, as they are NEVER of school or ill)
As I tidied up and they head upstairs, they suddenly stop to say 'oh thank you for tidying up'
my answer was an immediate 'why?'
'Well because I should have done that'
Now, that, for me, is disturbing. Here is a teen who is ill (fever etc..) but still feel that they have to say thank you for something that is just a normal act of kindness.
In my world, kindness is doing something for someone because you know they will appreciate it. I would never do that for a thank you and do not expect one. My teen (but it could be any other family member or friend really) needed help so I did help in the way I could.
Felling that they felt that HAD to say those two words make me uncomfortable, as if kindness had always to be repaid one way or the other.
whereas surely, what should happen is that those more kind acts will just be reciprocated because the other person, esp a partner, should act with kindness towards you too?

OP posts:

peachgreen · 18/09/2017 13:54

You're disturbed by your teenager saying thank you to you for clearing up?

Sorry OP but I just don't understand you at all. Saying thank you is a nice thing for people to do. I doubt s/he felt s/he HAD to, more just that s/he appreciated your kindness and wanted to express their appreciation.

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