Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Fiancé left me to a Jehovah witness

94 replies

xoxoGossipGirl · 17/09/2017 21:50

I know this isn't really an AIBU but I just didn't really know where to put this.

Basically I fell in love with a man we got on so well it felt as if I knew him all my life! Things went very quickly I became engaged and fell pregnant everything was amazing! I met his mother and family a few times! And never knew his family were Jehovah witnesses he never spoke to me about it and neither did his family! I was 5 months pregnant and there was a massive family gathering I still never knew it wasn't until his sister told me they are Jehovah witnesses... it's like they were embarrassed or something? Like if your so proud of a religion why keep this quiet to me? My fiancé wasn't a JW anymore he explained to me he left years ago etc I thought oh ok.. I knew it was a little weird but let it slide anyway.... we had the baby everything was still great.... this year he broke up with me things got a little hard but we instantly fixed them and started to move on wasn't until recently he said he doesn't want me anymore as he wants be a JW again... (his mum was always talking about the bible etc when everything all came out they were JW but she would talk to me about it all the time) anyway I'm so hurt and angry at him and myself for being so stupid. He basically said that he wouldn't ask me to be one but hinted so many times but I don't want to be I've been to meetings for his family I've experienced things to be nice for his family and isn't my thing. I assumed it wasn't for my fiancé either as he gave that impression too! It's like I had to choose to be a JW and he'll take me back or if I don't want to be one he doesn't want me anymore obviously didn't say it like that but just gave off the impression! I grew up with Christmas and birthdays etc so of course changing to something seems odd to me is going to be hard to understand etc?! But I know it's not for me.

I'm sorry if this all seems so hard to read or a little confusing I'm just so tired and hurt and I'm now a single mum trying to get myself back together again and understand has actually happened!

Please tell me it will be ok? And am I in the wrong to not want to be one? I feel so guilty for some reason I feel guilty for my little one as well!

Once again I'm sorry!

OP posts:

iogo · 17/09/2017 21:55

I'm so sorry. You cannot join a religion in these circumstances. You need to focus on making a life for you and your child and try to co parent effectively.

Make sure he fulfills his obligations. I'm sorry he mislead you.

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 17/09/2017 21:56

You can't just want to be one you would actually have to believe all the crap they are saying. If you don't believe it then don't become one.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2017 21:58

No Yanbu not to want to join this religion. I knew somebody who had a relative who converted and it caused much heartbreak in their family with their Draconian rules. You've had a lucky escape IMHO. Just focus on providing a nice home and happy life for you and your child.

Ellendegeneres · 17/09/2017 22:00

I'm dating a former witness. He's not been disfellowshipped (refuses to meet with elders so they can't) but won't go to meetings anymore.
He grew up as one. I didn't.
I can't and won't bring my kids up following a religion (although i see it as very cult-like) that I don't believe in. At the moment the idea of Christmas isn't one he will contemplate. He wants to start doing birthdays though, as his ex has left and bringing the kids up not as witnesses too.

From my own perspective, if dp asked me to convert as a deal breaker for us I'd tell him to be on his way. It's not for me and I won't pretend to believe something I don't for anyone's benefit. I see Christmas as a time for family to show love and appreciation to one another and this is how I've described it to him.

In your shoes I'd let him go. He's made his choices. You're better off bringing up little one as a single parent than doing as he wants and sacrificing so much. Sending you

GetOutOfMYGarden · 17/09/2017 22:01

Stay away from that cult with all you've got, OP.

Celp28 · 17/09/2017 22:02

Of course you are not wrong, you cannot go along with a religion if you do not believe in it. I know it seems hard now but you have to be true to yourself, you cannot live a lie to please someone else. Being a single parent can be tough, but it is also very rewarding, please don't feel overwhelmed by it. Hopefully your ex partner will still offer support to your lo and to you.

Gemini69 · 17/09/2017 22:10

You live life being who you are OP... don't be someone else .. be YOU..

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 17/09/2017 22:18

To add to previous replies a bit, although this is a serious ask as it concerns coercion to convert, I think it could be anything. He was one and then wasn't, he checked out if his religion to the extent of taking a fiancé and having a child which are serious faithful commitments, then he wants to go back and is so moved apparently, deep in his heart he needs to go back so much that he's already decided that if you don't agree he'll fuck you off, you and your wonderful precious child?
Piss off. No, this could be anything in your future, a job he wants, the house he wants, where you live, what you do and if you don't agree well then he's just going to do it without you isn't he.
I wonder when you say he broke up with you but you instantly fixed those issues whether you meant to convey that you both worked at some things but actually what happened was you fixed them, you did, and when he was happy back he trotted?

I have been in a similar place and it hurts like a bastard but take it from an old bird, better it hurt like one than be married to one. This is engineered to make you feel guilt, don't. Who is willing to walk away here? It's not you is it? It won't feel like it right now but everything will be ok. And if you need support with anything from a shoulder to cry on to financial advice then you'll find it here.
You haven't done anything wrong.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/09/2017 22:20

It will be okay Sweet, because you have done the right thing, for you and your baby.

Original poster

xoxoGossipGirl · 17/09/2017 22:29

Omg the replies thank you so much! Of course I wouldn't go into it if I didn't believe it, it's just it's so much pressure and it makes you feel guilty! And I feel as if I'm looked down upon too! Thank you so much again! I've always had to change constantly I wasn't good enough that's why we broke up he said a few hurtful things so I changed myself for him stupidly! I'm on antidepressants as I lost myself a little bit because of him but I'm getting back on track again. Just hearing him say he doesn't want me he wants to go back into the religion just hurts I feel so hurt but I suppose I can't do anything to change it. And he will be supporting LO but he takes her to meetings when she's recently been to see him and stay etc I said I didn't like this but said what he does is up to him in his time etc and vice Versa! So I didn't know what to say. LO came home doing prayer hands and saying amen (as they pray before they eat) etc just made me feel a little mad! I didn't know and I don't know what to do about this either?!

OP posts:

just5morepeas · 17/09/2017 22:30

If he's going to not want to be with you just because you don't share a religion that shows he's not for you. If he loved you, he would want to be with you even if he was still a JW.

And to be honest, from what I've heard of them you're best off out of it. They go for vulnerable people and try to keep them from having relationships with non-believers. They're very controlling.

Spangles1963 · 17/09/2017 22:31

I speak as one who's been dumped for refusing to convert to my partner's religion. Thankfully we weren't married and had no kids. Sorry OP,I know it hurts like hell to think that his religion is more important to him than you. It WILL get better,believe me. You should NEVER convert just because someone wants you to. It never ends well. for you.

User02 · 17/09/2017 22:45

I doubt if JW are meant to have sex before marriage so he is up a creek without a paddle. He is in the wrong in every possible way. You are better off without the hassles.

SusanTheGentle · 17/09/2017 23:03

He's a shit and JW is not a very welcoming or sensible religion. You are way better of out of it. And anyone that tries to force you into conversion has no respect for you or for their faith.

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/09/2017 23:06

Run as fast as you can from this man, for the benefit of your child.

JayDot500 · 17/09/2017 23:26

Run. Run. Runnnn!

The Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult. I know enough. Disfellowshipped mother, but father, brother, sister, grandmother, dear cousins etc etc are still in there. They cannot leave without losing everyone they love. Your fiancé has chosen them over him. Walk away.

And do yourself a favour. Never ever allow yourself or your child to step into a Kingdom Hall. I mean it, once you do that the love bombing and control tactics begin.

emmyrose2000 · 17/09/2017 23:37

Stay away from this cult! Even more importantly, protect your vulnerable child from this madness.

Anyone who puts religion/cults above their partner and/or child is not worth having in your life.

In your shoes, I'd move right away from the area and this family of crazy people and cut off all contact to protect my child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 05:59

I feel as if I'm loooked down upon too!

I don't think many people outside the religion will have any respect for a man, who fails to disclose he's a JW to a his partner. Then has a child with her and is trying to manipulate her to convert.

Had you known he was a JW, I suspect you would have run a mile. Had he told you he was trying to find his path and didn't know if he wanted to be a JW or not, you may have been able to be there for him..... or run a mile.

No no no. The only person I look down upon is this nasty liar. Well done for staying strong and keeping your child safe and away from this cult.

JonSnowsWife · 18/09/2017 06:21

A good church environment will not make you feel like this is the only choice you have, nor a good partner/husband to be honest.

I left my church quite a few years ago now for many different reasons, my retired childhood pastor still came and visited me when I was very poorly in hospital.

They didn't do it for brownie points in heaven, or from the church members, they did it out of love because they still viewed me as a friend. They still ask my Mum how me and the DCs are getting on when they see her.

Anything you are feeling pressured into doing, imho, is something you shouldn't be doing.

CatONineTails · 18/09/2017 06:29

Get your child away from this man.

Leave. Move. Whatever it takes.

I don't say this lightly but I've seen first hand the damage that JW do to their children and it lasts a lifetime.

RebootYourEngine · 18/09/2017 06:30

Run run run and take your child too.

There is a church near me with a sign that says everyone is welcome no matter your religion, race, sexuality. That is how all faiths should be.

Poshindevon · 18/09/2017 06:38

I too have seen the damage done by the JW cult.
Do not let this man take your child to their meetings.
I agree with the others move away or have a legal visitation agreement drawn up.

LoislovesStewie · 18/09/2017 06:45

He has behaved very badly to you , I think you need to hold on to that thought. He was untruthful in his dealings with you and you have behaved well towards him and his so called religion. I agree with all of the other replies on here; stay away from him and the JW's . We used to live near a Kingdom Hall and every so often they would come knocking asking me such Q's as 'how do you account for evil?' Often they had small child in tow. I told one to get lost and stop abusing a small child, as I really think it's awful to drag them door to door. I think you need some legal advice as you won't know what is happening to your child when her father takes her out at weekends. Look after yourself and your child.

MrsAnamCara · 18/09/2017 06:46

I was raised as one, for more understanding about how damaging this cult is, go on reddit and search for the exjw group, keep your baby away from them, search for the Australian Royal commission and you'll find out about 1000+ child abuse victims who were not reported to the police

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/09/2017 06:56

There is a Christian cult that believes converting non-belivers through anyway possible- including tricking them into marriage/relationships and then emotionally blackmailing them into joining the cult.
In your shoes, I'd also make it clear that while he is free to teach her JW ways, I'd be teaching her that there are many different religions and some people don't believe at all. As well as encouraging questioning thinking.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.