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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiancé left me to a Jehovah witness

94 replies

xoxoGossipGirl · 17/09/2017 21:50

I know this isn't really an AIBU but I just didn't really know where to put this.

Basically I fell in love with a man we got on so well it felt as if I knew him all my life! Things went very quickly I became engaged and fell pregnant everything was amazing! I met his mother and family a few times! And never knew his family were Jehovah witnesses he never spoke to me about it and neither did his family! I was 5 months pregnant and there was a massive family gathering I still never knew it wasn't until his sister told me they are Jehovah witnesses... it's like they were embarrassed or something? Like if your so proud of a religion why keep this quiet to me? My fiancé wasn't a JW anymore he explained to me he left years ago etc I thought oh ok.. I knew it was a little weird but let it slide anyway.... we had the baby everything was still great.... this year he broke up with me things got a little hard but we instantly fixed them and started to move on wasn't until recently he said he doesn't want me anymore as he wants be a JW again... (his mum was always talking about the bible etc when everything all came out they were JW but she would talk to me about it all the time) anyway I'm so hurt and angry at him and myself for being so stupid. He basically said that he wouldn't ask me to be one but hinted so many times but I don't want to be I've been to meetings for his family I've experienced things to be nice for his family and isn't my thing. I assumed it wasn't for my fiancé either as he gave that impression too! It's like I had to choose to be a JW and he'll take me back or if I don't want to be one he doesn't want me anymore obviously didn't say it like that but just gave off the impression! I grew up with Christmas and birthdays etc so of course changing to something seems odd to me is going to be hard to understand etc?! But I know it's not for me.

I'm sorry if this all seems so hard to read or a little confusing I'm just so tired and hurt and I'm now a single mum trying to get myself back together again and understand has actually happened!

Please tell me it will be ok? And am I in the wrong to not want to be one? I feel so guilty for some reason I feel guilty for my little one as well!

Once again I'm sorry!

OP posts:

highinthesky · 18/09/2017 07:06

I agree with PP about self-preservation, but object to the demonisation of the JWs (I'm not one, btw - but am religious in my own way and would hate to see my beliefs vilified or ridiculed as some are).

Having said that, last weekend I was leaving the house and saw them on the prowl - so W'appd my neighbours to le them know they may be getting unexpected knocks on the door...

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/09/2017 07:41

Move far away OP.

JayDot500 · 18/09/2017 07:46

high JWs themselves are mostly harmless, the watchtower/governing body/'faithful and discreet slave' are not. The mental health, child abuse, finally abuse, manipulation and exploitation of its members aren't known until you are up close and personal (and probably baptised). I have a lot of beautiful family and friends in there and they put on a mask of happiness that covers a myriad of questions and feelings they aren't allowed to explore.

JayDot500 · 18/09/2017 07:47

Financial*

highinthesky · 18/09/2017 07:55

JayDot I can believe that. Wherever there is organised religion the path of self-edification is discouraged in favour of internal corruption.

That is where blind faith gets you.

JayDot500 · 18/09/2017 07:58

Except that in most other branches of Christianity, you won't lose your family if you decided to leave, or in this case, fall in love with a person who isn't a JW.

cluelessnewmum · 18/09/2017 08:06

To echo what others have said, I would be moving far enough away where visits are infrequent at best, and ideally not at all, seriously, and I am someone who believes most children are much better off with a relationship with their fathers.

I doubt from a legal perspective you have any say in preventing your dc from being indoctrinated into this religion/cult so the only way you can prevent it is from limiting contact.

I would forsake the maintainence payments to prevent that.

ADayGivingMeHope · 18/09/2017 08:06

Perhaps you should put him in your shoes - tell him your going to become a Muslim / Sikh / Hindu and take your DD to religious meetings with you... when he reacts badly to it then you can explain that is how you feel about her going to JW meetings with him and to wait until she is older and able to question and understand.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 08:08

Very weird. I've known several JWs who left and their families had nothing to do with them at all. Like totally shunned. So I find it odd that if you ex had left JW that his family were all meeting up with him and acting normally. That just doesn't happen in my experience.

Shashuka · 18/09/2017 08:16

I have know JWs do this before: deliberation start relationships with non believers in order to suck them into the cult. I expect that is why his family had not shunned him at the start of your relationship, they knew he was trying to convert you and that he still believed. When your child is old enough they will brain wash him/her into shunning you too. Be really careful and think clever OP.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 08:17

Shash Yes, I agree. It makes no sense otherwise.

ptumbi · 18/09/2017 08:18

For goodness sake OP don't feel guilty for NOT converting - to something you have no desire to be.

NEVER feel guilty for NOT doing something you don't want to, to please another person.

I'd agree with getting s far away from this man as possible - sounds like he has tricked you into having a relationship, and a child,

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 08:23

Real nice guy op, is it part of his religion to treat you like shit? Yes he's going to try to convert your child. That was always his plan. As it was with you, he just failed there, so you are of no use to him now. He may as well throw out his ultimatums.

Be really careful here, whatever his religion he's a deeply unpleasant person who lacks the milk of human kindness, either because he is brain washed or because that's simply who he is.

Hopefully you can counter balance his behaviour with your child so she can grow up to make her own decisions.

Patchouli666 · 18/09/2017 08:26

You poor thing. My bf ( best friend) growing up was a jw. Her mum, her and her brother. Her father had nothing to do with it. She took me to a few of the conventions at our local town hall type thing. Whole weekends, wasted as far as I could tell. She wasn't allowed much contact with other boys not in the faith but at 14 her mum was encouraging her to go off with particular boy and get to know him and 'not disappoint him' At bloody 14, to stay true to the faith her mum thought it was ok to basically prostitute her gorgeous daughter out to an 18 year old because that would be seen as keeping it within the faith. I being non jw, was stuck with her mum, was allowed to see on a level what went on but never included.
They are blinded by this religion and closed off in a way I've never seen happen in other religions, and I've lived in lots of London boroughs and the north east and seen plenty.
I think it's a cult. All I saw when younger certainly hasn't changed my opinion. You have had a lucky escape but I know you are hurting now. You won't ever come first on this though and you need to. Even if he comes to his senses, he will at a date further down the line, get drawn in again.

Might be worth seeing a solicitor and getting something drawn up. Speak to citizens advice too. And please don't beat yourself up at needing antidepressants- you are being pulled in so many directions and have so much stress at the moment, I'd be surprised if anyone could do it without.

CallmeFP · 18/09/2017 08:28

This is very funny people calling Jehovahs Witnesses a cult?

They don't believe in sex before marriage like most religions don't but actually try abide by it.

They don't celebrate birthdays and Christmas because of its pagan origins.

They don't go to war etc because they try to live by the bible which is all very draconian nowadays but truly Christian nontheless and I respect that.

They are very nice people.

It sounds like it is more to do with him wanting to escape his responsibilities and because he knows you are unlikely to accept, is using this as an excuse.

Please don't bash religions you don't understand or through hearsay.

I have a lot of respect for Jehovahs Witnesses because, I have researched them and not all the bs you hear about them.

retreatwhispering · 18/09/2017 08:28

Well done OP for sticking to your guns and having the backbone not to be bullied into this. Your instinct is correct. JW is a coercive religion and religion should never, ever be about coercion. Any organisation that makes you feel guilty for not taking part or for leaving is one to avoid. And to keep your DD away from as much as possible.

Jux · 18/09/2017 08:30

Can you move away? It's a big thing to do, but it would help protect your dd from indoctrination. Please think seriously about it.

She's young yet, and so is unlikely to even remember the trappings of this cult religion, but if he were to continue to take her to meetings and teach her JW behaviours and attitudes, it will be harder and harder to counteract it.

CallmeFP · 18/09/2017 08:31

Patchou - a JW prostituting her daughter?

They do not believe in dating unless you are ready to marry. I know plenty of JW and this is absolute nonsense.

Sad that they are getting called a cult, I'm speechless at that.

This religion is not for me but they are respectable people trying to live a christian way by bible standards.

CallmeFP · 18/09/2017 08:33

Can someone tell me how this religion coerces people? I have many conversations with them and debates.

Also, can someone tell me exactly how it qualifies as a cult?

JayDot500 · 18/09/2017 08:36

Callme, in theory, all of that is true. But it's BS. A front. You need to do more research.

Or baptise yourself and see.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 08:36

Callme said Please don't bash religions you don't understand or through hearsay. I have a lot of respect for Jehovahs Witnesses because, I have researched them and not all the bs you hear about them.

I have significant experience, as opposed to research, of knowing many people within JW and who have left it and what happened to those who have left it. If I bash them it is through knowledge and not hearsay.

If you have a different opinion, that's fine, but do not suggest some of us do not know what we are talking about because we have a different view based on experience.

guilty100 · 18/09/2017 08:39

I'm so sorry you are going through this. JW is a cult. It is dangerous, it splits up families, and it causes huge pain.

If you join this cult just to keep your husband, you will only face far worse in the future. If you ever want to leave the religion, or to leave him, they will make it so you lose your entire friendship and family circle. People are made to choose between the religion and their relatives: in many churches, there is almost no acceptance of contact with 'outsiders'. It is this socially exclusive behaviour, not any tenet of their belief system, that makes them cult-like.

My best friend had to leave her entire friendship and family circle behind (including her husband) to get out, and she is still (understandably) very traumatized by this years later even though she's now a very wealthy, successful professional woman in her own right.

CallmeFP · 18/09/2017 08:42

I myself have done my research and learned it inside out. I have debated it for hours and know them very well.

So because I defend them I should baptise myself?

What religion are you may I ask Jaydot and Shatners Wig

CallmeFP · 18/09/2017 08:44

OP your fiance has left you.

He could still be a JW and be with you but he didn't want that, painful as it may seem.

There are plenty of JW married to non believers which isn't ideal as they don't worship together but they make it work.

EternalOptimistToo · 18/09/2017 08:45

Re your dd saying prayer etc...

I found the best way to deal with it is to explain to her that saying prayers is what you do at her dad but in yur house you do xxxx.
I would also make it extremely clear that different people believe different things and it's OK because actually no one knows what is actually the truth. It's a BELIEF.
If possible, I would actually make a point of HR meeting other people from very different religion and to expose her to their ways just to reinforce the fact that there are so many different ways of doing things.

In effect, he is pushing VERY hard for her to do things his way. And you will need to push back just as hard. (Much easier for you if your are the RP and he sees her EOW)

Fwiw, I know a few families who are JW. As those children are becoming teenagers, it all goes to pot. All the rules and beliefs etc... are challenged in such a way that all the teenagers I know I've moved away from it and from a lot of their 'rules'

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