Fiancé left me to a Jehovah witness

[xoxoGossipGirl]

I know this isn't really an AIBU but I just didn't really know where to put this.

Basically I fell in love with a man we got on so well it felt as if I knew him all my life! Things went very quickly I became engaged and fell pregnant everything was amazing! I met his mother and family a few times! And never knew his family were Jehovah witnesses he never spoke to me about it and neither did his family! I was 5 months pregnant and there was a massive family gathering I still never knew it wasn't until his sister told me they are Jehovah witnesses... it's like they were embarrassed or something? Like if your so proud of a religion why keep this quiet to me? My fiancé wasn't a JW anymore he explained to me he left years ago etc I thought oh ok.. I knew it was a little weird but let it slide anyway.... we had the baby everything was still great.... this year he broke up with me things got a little hard but we instantly fixed them and started to move on wasn't until recently he said he doesn't want me anymore as he wants be a JW again... (his mum was always talking about the bible etc when everything all came out they were JW but she would talk to me about it all the time) anyway I'm so hurt and angry at him and myself for being so stupid. He basically said that he wouldn't ask me to be one but hinted so many times but I don't want to be I've been to meetings for his family I've experienced things to be nice for his family and isn't my thing. I assumed it wasn't for my fiancé either as he gave that impression too! It's like I had to choose to be a JW and he'll take me back or if I don't want to be one he doesn't want me anymore obviously didn't say it like that but just gave off the impression! I grew up with Christmas and birthdays etc so of course changing to something seems odd to me is going to be hard to understand etc?! But I know it's not for me.

I'm sorry if this all seems so hard to read or a little confusing I'm just so tired and hurt and I'm now a single mum trying to get myself back together again and understand has actually happened!

Please tell me it will be ok? And am I in the wrong to not want to be one? I feel so guilty for some reason I feel guilty for my little one as well!

Once again I'm sorry!

Arrgh I really do feel guilty about what I've said on this thread. It is true I have had more than one bad experience with people who are JW and for that reason I have an irrational prejudice but I don't try to let my prejudices rule me - in fact I try not to judge the many by the few and that is what I am doing here. My experiences were unpleasant and with more than one JW but it is also possible they were just unpleasant individuals, to me (and others) it seemed that they worked together to the exclusion of others from their religion but like all groups and religions you have moderate and extreme sections and it would be wrong to tar everyone within a religion/belief system with the same brush so I am apologising for generalisations. On the other hand I would be cautious OP simply because there is the capacity for extremes here. However, it is not a given and I feel I let my personal prejudice show a little in my posts. Be wary OP and careful and what your ex did to you was horrible - judge HIM on that accordingly.

So sorry you're going through this. There's a really good book which I would recommend: 'Combatting Cult Mind Control' by Steven Hassan. Please read it.

Call said Family is family to God and to JW'S.

OP said Thank you for all these kind messages the only person I talk to and get along is his sister as she's an ex-JW and the whole family don't talk to her or her son they don't want nothing to do with her

Care to call bs on the OP , Call?

Oh this is heartbreaking. OP while it feels a rejection of you... it's not of you personally, you still might be his choice but nothing can top what he believes to be his eternal destiny, his salvation etc. Nobody can top God for any believer. It's just not possible when religious texts make it clear that no 1 commandment is loving God above all.

I've never been a JW but I believe there's a scripture about not being unequally yolked with unbelievers which is why if you don't believe he interprets that means you can't marry or have a relationship

There are some religions it might be possible to convert but keep hidden you don't actually believe it but JWs are not one - it permeates every area of their life and they believe in cutting off from non believers, also having a child and not celebrating birthdays or allowing blood transfusions if needed I would imagine to be impossible for a non believing parent

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is right though - without you truly converting his faith does not allow him to be with you

Shatners - this may be the case for this particular family, I am not saying it isn't. Who knows what reasons lie behind this.

But for the vast majority, family is family among JW's and I have seen this in a lot of JW families, so why is that not relevant to you at all? Why do you close your eyes to what I and other people have said about this?

I am sure that I have heard some pretty bizarre things about Baptists. However, I don't judge them all on it.

Callme no, my research is not purely from YouTube. YouTube and reddit are excellent sources of testimonies, that's why I mentioned them.

My mum was disfellowshipped. My dad was a JW but married one, and is one now. My brother and sister. My grandmother. Aunts and uncles. Beloved cousins. I love them all but they are JW and I have seen how this religion can be more dangerous than, let's say, being a Catholic or Baptist.

One example is a life-long JW aunt who had to banish all JWs from her sick daughter's hospital bed and let her have the blood transfusion that saved her life. She decided to do this when she went to her elders and basically got nonsensical reasoning thrown at her.

My dad didn't walk me down the aisle, even though he really wanted to.

My sister suffers from anxiety that's been attributed to ministry.

Many many mental health challenges suffered by friends and family (my own mum was suicidal) borne from being in this religion. The fear of the governing body and shunning rules over most people, not the love of God.

Sorry, but I'd advise all people to run away and not to get suckered in.

OP - There are plenty of non believers married to JW's.

However he has broken up with you and is using it as an excuse.

If I were you, I would be tempted to call his bluff and say you are willing to be a JW to see what he does.

Call I was just interested. Apparently you will happily accept what the OP says from her experience without question but the rest of us who speak from our experience are wrong or talking bullshit. Doesn't seem to correlate somehow.

I think it's a real shame that this thread has turned into a bunfight about JW's being/not being in a cult. The OP is in a terrible situation and is clearly struggling. Diverting the discussion isn't helping her at all.
OP, you will be fine. Yes, there are probably battles to be fought (over medical treatment, religious upbringing etc) but you will get through it and you will be fine. Getting legal advice sounds sensible and maintaining contact with your daughter's aunt sounds like it will help you to provide some sort of balance.
Good luck with it all.

Jaydot - NO ONE is forced to be a JW or live by what the bible teaches.

That sounds ambiguous as to how it is 'dangerous'.

Everyone has a choice, either be a JW and live by what the bible says and don't follow the masses or don't be.

How can someone suffer from mental health by 'ministry' or preaching?

If you don't believe that you should 'abstain from blood' as the bible says by having blood transfusions, why would you be a JW?

If your father didn't walk you down the isle because he doesn't agree with the church/service or person you were marrying then that's awful but it's his choice.

Shatners - why is it my experiences and opinion of JW's is a problem to you? Why do you not accept that I have positive views and experiences that greatly differ from yours?

You wrote firstly saying things that are clearly not the case for many so of course I have a right to say that.

And the fact that this turned into a discussion about JW's is because the OP used the religion in her title and discusses it as a reason as to why they can't be together anymore. Which, in my opinion, is being used as an excuse by the young man in question.

OP - you are in a situation which many young mothers find themselves in nowadays.

My advice is, stay on good terms with him for the sake of your child. Whatever religion he is, he is their father and will be needed by him/her.

This advice to 'grab your baby and run as far as possible' is not wise.

There is absolutely nothing he can do, to make your child become a JW.

Callme I agree with all you have said. I also know many JWs and they are very lovely people, without a doubt if more shared their values then the world would be a better place. But I hate the way their children have their lives so limited.. it is very sad to watch. I also intensely dislike their attitude that they shouldn't befriend non-JWs beyond a superficial level. Most of all I hate the disfellowshipping. I knew a teenage girl who left and the agony she went through; she was supposed to keep away from her family and they ignored her if they passed in the street. She was only 17 and completely destroyed by the leadership and their 'rules'

Because I know so many of them and because I have my own strong beliefs I came close to being sucked in but research (lots of!) convinced me it would be a huge mistake. I am still friendly with all of them and admire the courage that lets them live their Christian lives to the full in spite of all the hate and nastiness directed at them... I just think they have various aspects wrong, and that is at the highest level of leadership which they all have to abide by.

I am mystified how the OP's partner left the religion, had a relationship and a child and now intends to stroll back in as if nothing has happened. I think he might be in for more of a shock than he anticipates when he tries as he behaviour has broken so many of their rules.

Let him go OP.. I think this is his excuse for opting out of your relationship and if this fails then he will find another excuse. You will be fine, yes, it will hurt, but ultimately you and your child will survive and you will be a stronger person for your experience. Partner needs a lesson in growing up, he sounds like a child looking for excuses.. a bit of 'the dog ate my homework' syndrome.

xoxoGossipGirl I'm extremely concerned. Your exDP is blackmailing you, and is using controlling behaviour.
I think you need to talk to a solicitor.

zippy for real. OP I'm sorry.

callme past a certain point, those freedoms don't exist without harsh consequences. But I'll leave you to believe what you wish

CallmeFP said there are plenty of non believers married to JW's.

This is true. But it is usually because one of the already married couple has joined the religion and got baptised.

It is still unusual for a JW to marry a non believer and it is frowned upon.

sorry this has worked out so badly for you OP. Interested to know why you did not get married first. Obviously if you had, this issue would have come out earlier and before the baby.

Marriage gives you umpteen different types of protections from things going wrong when you have kids, so do make sure you don't have a baby again without being married first (unless you have a lot of independent wealth and so dont need to work). Its also a great test of whether someone is serious about you.

Yes - it may be frowned upon if they marry a non JW, which is true of catholics, jews and all types of religions.

The facts are, many do exist. They are not in any 'danger'. They coexist and love each other and care for each other even though they have differing views.

I didn't mean this post to become an argument to people I do apologise. I'm not slating the religion in any shape or form it's just not for me! I just don't like being pushed etc anyway thank you guys again for the comments I'll definitely be taking it all on board.