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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let sister pretend to be me?

79 replies

NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:00

My Dsis is pregnant, she has a 6 month old and circumstances are such that the last thing she needs is to have another baby.

She is due to be sentenced in court next month for a serious crime with her partner. He is almost certain to get 4-5 years in custody. She is hoping for a suspended sentence but could well get a custodial sentence too.

With all of this in mind she doesnt want to continue with the pregnancy but her partner does want her to and would not react well to her having a termination. He is very very controlling and abusive towards her.
She wants me to book a termintation and she can pretend to be me and go and get it. She doesn't want any record of it in her own name just incase her partner finds out.
She is hoping to have the tablet thrn take the second one at home and pass it off as a miscarriage.

I am concerned that this is not a great idea, i would end up with a non existent termination in my medical history and if anything went wrong it wouldn't be on hers.

Could her plan work or are we crazy to consider it?

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 17/09/2017 17:03

Crazy. Just don't do it. It is insane to take medication without the proper checks first and you could be risking her health massively.

LindyHemming · 17/09/2017 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BBQueen · 17/09/2017 17:04

What a nightmare situation, I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest but didn't want your thread to go unanswered. Would he find out before he is sent to prison? I can't see how he could access her records to know she had aborted.

EdmundCleverClogs · 17/09/2017 17:05

She should have it done under her own name. She can still say it's a miscarriage, there's no way way he can access her medical records to see otherwise. She cannot risk her own health for the sake of trying to hid this.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 17:05

Let's hope he gets the maximum sentence. There's no way he'd know about it unless she took the tablet in front of him. It's ridiculous that you should have it on your records - what's she thinking?

RB68 · 17/09/2017 17:06

And what if she has complications. She needs to do it in her name and keep schtum about it.

Butterymuffin · 17/09/2017 17:06

Could she use her own name but give your address for correspondence, just in case? I agree that doing it in the wrong name is madness.

gingergenius · 17/09/2017 17:07

Is this a story idea???

x2boys · 17/09/2017 17:07

How would he even know he couldn't access her notes regarding future pregnancies is it something the midwife would bring up in front of both of them?

opheliacat · 17/09/2017 17:07

Don't worry, it doesn't have to appear on your medical records. Mine doesn't.

goodnessidontknow · 17/09/2017 17:07

Far safer for her to have an anonymous termination via somewhere like Marie Stopes. It doesn't have to go on her medical records and you can be put down as her emergency contact.
This sounds like a very stressful time for you, the last thing you need is for something to go wrong with your plan.

EdmundCleverClogs · 17/09/2017 17:07

I will add, I've had a termination. The only people who know about it were ones I've informed myself, that includes midwives at booking appointments (so obviously either they're not aware beforehand or it's not on my actual records). He really couldn't know unless she tells him herself.

EamonnWright · 17/09/2017 17:08

I am concerned that this is not a great idea

Whatever makes you think that?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:08

I don't know to be honest but she is really worried about him finding out. I think she is worried that their social worker will find out and mention it or her doctor as he goes with her and she is on medication for anxiety. She just doesn't want any record of it anywhere.

I think it is probably a crazy idea but I don't want to not help her.

OP posts:
NoWittyNamesAvailable · 17/09/2017 17:12

I don't think it has to go on her medical records. My friend was given the option when she had a termination. I don't think its a good idea to do it in your name. He won't be able to find out, not unless she tells him.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/09/2017 17:13

Absolutely ridiculous. Even more so because she has a SW who presumably is involved to protect the welfare of her child. This said child is as much a victim of this mans abuse as your sister is.

Her GP will inform no one. Tell her to dump him, wise up and do it off her own back

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/09/2017 17:13

The pregnancy could very well be the difference between a custodial sentence or not.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:14

Neither of us realised that you can have it not go on your records so that is a relief it is not something we have experience of.

Can I book an appointment for her or does she have to do it herself?

OP posts:
harlandgoddard · 17/09/2017 17:18

I would imagine you could book the appointment for her, ring the bpas or Marie stopes, they will book her directly into a hospital. First appointment is a good few hours, second one is in and out. As long as he can't track her location or anything like that, she should be absolutely fine.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:18

DC I think havibg a 6 mobth old will make the same difference that being pregnant would. She would never cope on her own with two very young babies, she freely admits that herself.

Quiet she is going to dump him but since he is going to prison next month she wants to wait until then. Ending a relationship with a man like him is an absolute nightmare, I am going through it myself so I titakky understand why she is waiting. It's only another month.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 17/09/2017 17:18

Could you call Marie Stopes about her anonymity and then relay realistic options on to her?

SonicBoomBoom · 17/09/2017 17:20

Please, please don't do this. Not for any moral reason but purely because these things have a way of not going to plan and then snowballing and you will all end up in an even worse situation.

She needs to do this under her own name. He won't find out about it. Her medical information is private. And even if he comes to her GP appointments for anxiety, all GPs will know that quite a large percentage of abortions are done without the woman's partner knowing, so the GP will not mention it.

Please encourage her to do this privately, under her own name. And support her.

Ttbb · 17/09/2017 17:22

She is a grown woman with a child. This is ridiculous. The appointment is confidential so it's not like she has. Anything to gain by pretending to be you.

PinkHeart5913 · 17/09/2017 17:26

Her dp WILL NOT be able to see her medical redords so I don't see how he would find out tbh, unless she or someone she tells about the appointment lets him know.

It's a daft idea to allow her to pretend to be you and you will have an abortion you didn't have on your medical notes.

selfishcrab · 17/09/2017 17:27

She needs to do it in her name, not just for all the above reasons but for safety reasons, her medical history may be asked for and if not then it won't go on her medical records and if you give your name it would be your history.
Her partner has no reason to find out, she can set extra security on any record, these records are confidental and no one but her can request these without a court order.
Depending on how many weeks she is would depend on if she can take the tablets or not.
You can book and go to appointments with er. if she is scared about her ex Marie Stopes and BPAS have safe guarding protocol.