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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let sister pretend to be me?

79 replies

NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:00

My Dsis is pregnant, she has a 6 month old and circumstances are such that the last thing she needs is to have another baby.

She is due to be sentenced in court next month for a serious crime with her partner. He is almost certain to get 4-5 years in custody. She is hoping for a suspended sentence but could well get a custodial sentence too.

With all of this in mind she doesnt want to continue with the pregnancy but her partner does want her to and would not react well to her having a termination. He is very very controlling and abusive towards her.
She wants me to book a termintation and she can pretend to be me and go and get it. She doesn't want any record of it in her own name just incase her partner finds out.
She is hoping to have the tablet thrn take the second one at home and pass it off as a miscarriage.

I am concerned that this is not a great idea, i would end up with a non existent termination in my medical history and if anything went wrong it wouldn't be on hers.

Could her plan work or are we crazy to consider it?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2017 18:36

Perhaps you should tell your sister it's high time she started making her own decisions and to stop listening to her partner. Look where that's gotten her.

Maelstrop · 17/09/2017 18:52

Perhaps you should tell your sister it's high time she started making her own decisions and to stop listening to her partner

Jesus, you're a charmer. Did you read the bit about the partner being abusive and controlling? Easier said than done to simply 'stop listening to her partner' who may well knock her about if she tells him about this.

GabsAlot · 17/09/2017 18:57

at 9 weeks its prob a surgical procedure thy ar done the sam day though could u take hr

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 19:42

Aqua I am very happy that you have no understanding of abusive relationships. You are very lucky to be in that position.

OP posts:
Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 19:44

Why doesn't she just make up a name? It doesn't have to be a real persons

Jg1 · 17/09/2017 19:50

Just to reiterate; surgical terminations can be done same day, no overnight stay needed although she will need to be cared for after with her 6 month old so maybe you go with her and she and DC y mnths stay at yours for the night? Maybe say a "day of shopping and a girls night in" to her abusive bloke?

I really hope your sister can finish with this a-hole once he's licked up and will have a better life without him Flowers

Jg1 · 17/09/2017 19:51

Locked not licked up! Although maybe once he's inside.........

TinselTwins · 17/09/2017 20:00

The last time I went to the GP I could see my history & recent appointments on the doctor's screen, so if I had anyone with me they would see it too. Marie stopes seems like the better option if you have the money. Can't believe that some posters don't get why a news mum might be scared to leave a volatile man! OF COURSE she SHOULD leave him, but it's not gonna be just a matter of the OP suggesting it ffs

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/09/2017 20:03

"She would never cope on her own with two very young babies, she freely admits that herself. "
Why not? Does she have significant learning difficulties?

Jg1 · 17/09/2017 20:11

MyDcAreMarvel have you read OPs posts?? Ffs!

TinselTwins · 17/09/2017 20:30

You mydc, another baby will be an epiphony! Cause that's what happens right? Another baby would fix everything!

TheVoiceOfTreason · 17/09/2017 20:45

Is she getting sentenced for fraud, by any chance?

Not a facetitious question - I'm just wondering if, if this is a private treatment, is she going to leave you footing the bill? No doubt that sounds horrible and you will not want to think it, but she's obviously in a bad situation and making poor decisions - this thread is clear evidence of that.

Either way - don't do it. As others have said, they need access to her medical records, not yours, and others who have experience of these things (I don't) have suggested she can get it done anonymously anyway.

Misleading doctors about anything, when they are about to undertake surgery on you, sounds like a very, very bad idea tbh.

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 20:48

I really don't think it's as big of a deal as some of you think- think of the number if Irish women who come for abortions for example. I was told, albeit during sex education in the late 90s that it wasn't a problem to give a false name for sexual health treatments.

It's routine, safe and fast. Clinics know that people pay them for the anonymity that comes with it.

It's not fraud either

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/09/2017 20:50

Ah. What a nightmare

But no you can't do this and anyway they test you for pregnancy first anyway .

But surely if she and he get sentenced next week timing is tight

I'd be advising her to get the abortion pill and start to make baby steps to extricate herself

Bless her and you Flowers

Ellendegeneres · 17/09/2017 21:19

Ok so here's what will happen when she books.
She'll have a phone consultation, to discuss how far along she is, nearest clinics and her options- pill or surgical.
She will be given a password of her choosing, and a pin. Need both to discuss her records. (Marie stopes do this anyway)
She will be asked if she wants her details passed to her dr- she can say no, so it won't appear on her medical records.
An appointment will be made if she is comfortable with it. She will also be offered counselling.
She will not be judged or criticised.

If it's the surgical option, she needs to be prepared to wait around for hours, but it is over and done with quicker and can be a lot less traumatic.
Tablet version she needs to go back within 48hrs for second pill.
She will need to be home within the hour of taking second tablet, as it works fast. It also must be taken in front of the nurses in clinic, you are categorically not allowed to take it away and take it at home- it has been known for people to try to use this as forcing someone to lose their baby, the rules are incredibly strict to protect women here.
Once home, she will need to either be alone (for her own sake) or with someone supportive. There is a hell of a lot of loss. It goes on for hours. It is traumatising.
What next... oh. Yeah. She may experience pain weeks after. If that's the case, she needs to see dr. She may have retained tissue. This will require an erpc commonly known as a d&c. This is day surgery done in hospital and under general anaesthetic.
So for the last reason alone, she must absolutely do this in her name. And for her benefit, call her gp surgery and ask to speak to practice manager. Ask them how they can support a patient with an abusive partner who insists on attending medical appointments. It may be that the dr calls her in and requires her p to wait outside for a reason they give that can seem innocent.

I don't know if any of that helps. I hope so

TinselTwins · 17/09/2017 21:24

I agree in REALITY not perfect MN world, people often give false names for at least private terminations. I imagine that if complications occur they then give their real name in hospital, but in REAL life there are women giving false names for this kinda thing every day of the week! I don't think the OP would be at any risk of repercussion.

This is far from an ideal situation, and if a false name gets the sis the medication she needs sooner rather than later, then that route is the lesser of two evils.

Women have to do this a lot 😕 the OP isn't actually suggesting anything unusual

opheliacat · 17/09/2017 21:31

Just FYI i experienced no pain or blood loss after mine. It isn't a given x

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 22:39

Marvel she is very sick during pregnancy so dealing with that and looking after a crawling baby is going to be difficult.
She struggles with drug abuse and mental health issues, she has things on a relatively even keel for her at the moment but another stress, and thats what a baby is, will only unbalance that.
I would be surprised if even the most capable person didnt struggle alone with a newborn and 13 month old never mind someone wuth the issues she has.

Thanks for all of the excellent advice. I will have to ring her tomorrow and try and explain that surgical will be the best bet for her. It will be hard enough getting away from him for one appointment, no way wpuld she manage two 48 hours apart.

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 17/09/2017 23:24

Not being funny but would she be able to get one before she is possibly sent down? Plus what if her ex uses the pregnancy as an excuse during court proceedings

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 23:28

The sentencing hearing is the middle of next month, I would expect an appointment within a week or two?

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 17/09/2017 23:33

If she uses BPAS they offer simultaneous administration of bothe the Propofol and the Misopristol. No need for a second appointment. Marie Stopes you can have a six hour gap but I don't think,they've introduced simultaneous yet - they did and then stopped. The complication rate is about double with the simultaneous/short gap,though - including continuing pregnancy.
She doesn't even have to use her real name when booking but she can as they won't tell GPS or anyone else unless there is a safeguarding risk - which there might be if DV is suspected.

Adviceneeded123 · 18/09/2017 07:27

If you want to help her....help her to ltb! Then she is free to do as she wishes

Original poster
NachoAddict · 18/09/2017 08:28

Advice she is going to leave him, the plan for that is in place and it makes no sense what so ever to change that plan for the sake of a few weeks.

Do people genuinely not realise how difficult it can be to get out of a relationship like this? I have a thread at the moment about me ending my own relationship last month and the horrendous time I am having including police envolvement and restraining orders. My ex was not even on the same scale of controlling abusive dickhead as her partner. There is absolutely no reason at all to put herself (and me and my children for that matter if she came to mine) in danger when the guy is going to prison in a matter of weeks.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 18/09/2017 08:48

There are a few misconceptions on here.
She doesn't need money both BPAS and Marie Stopes are free just call via their central help desk.
Both offer almost identical service based on DoH RSOP for the provision of abortion. BPAS is currently only one offering simultaneous administration of drugs.
Not all centres offer surgical termination. Medical termination can take place beyond 9 weeks but at later dates becomes more distressing as one passes a larger foetus. 9+4 is considered early medical abortion.
You cannot be given second tablet to take at home. It is illegal. Termination can only take place in DoH licensed premises and to offer tablets to take off site is a criminal offence in the UK.
Treatment should be offered within 5 days of the call to the helpline.

Crumbs1 · 18/09/2017 08:51

Medical abortions can be same day just like surgery. Medical is also statistically safer. Most women transferred o