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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let sister pretend to be me?

79 replies

NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:00

My Dsis is pregnant, she has a 6 month old and circumstances are such that the last thing she needs is to have another baby.

She is due to be sentenced in court next month for a serious crime with her partner. He is almost certain to get 4-5 years in custody. She is hoping for a suspended sentence but could well get a custodial sentence too.

With all of this in mind she doesnt want to continue with the pregnancy but her partner does want her to and would not react well to her having a termination. He is very very controlling and abusive towards her.
She wants me to book a termintation and she can pretend to be me and go and get it. She doesn't want any record of it in her own name just incase her partner finds out.
She is hoping to have the tablet thrn take the second one at home and pass it off as a miscarriage.

I am concerned that this is not a great idea, i would end up with a non existent termination in my medical history and if anything went wrong it wouldn't be on hers.

Could her plan work or are we crazy to consider it?

OP posts:
CantChoose · 17/09/2017 17:32

She can go directly to BPAS or Marie Stopes without visiting her GP so it wouldn't show in her notes at all.
If she goes to the gp they will have to document something but can set it to show up as hidden entry - so even if someone went with her to an appt in the future they can't read it on the screen.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 17:33

Thanks everyone I knew it was a stupid idea but didn't realise it could be done without going on her file.

I think her main concern would be her social worker finding out and mentioning it infront of her partner.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 17/09/2017 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilQueenie · 17/09/2017 17:42

I would think its illegal and would put you under suspicion too if you took part.

strongasmeringue · 17/09/2017 17:49

If she's feels this course of action is what is needed then why not break up with him? Or is is just the fact he's going to prison that means she doesn't want this baby?

ootlander · 17/09/2017 17:51

From what I am lead to believe, they will ask you to take the tablet there and then in front of them to try and prevent situations where the tablets are given to others.
She could speak to BPAS, they won't inform her GP of the abortion if she requests it. I believe they have the same responsibility as GPs do in regards to confidentiality so its highly unlikely he would find out

x2boys · 17/09/2017 17:55

Is the social worker hers or her child's ?either way the social worker would be bound by confidentiality rules and sensitive issues can't just be blurted out especially if it puts her and her baby at risk

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 18:01

The social worker is her 6 month olds worker. She knows about the pregnancy which is why my sister is worried that if she knew about the abortion she would mention it in their meeting.

I am not saying it would happen because I don't know anything about it, I am just saying what her concerns are.

She doesn't want the baby either way, but saying just break up with him is unrealistic. Ending an abusive relationship is dangerous and hard work. Why would she put herself through that when she has the easy option of waiting a few weeks.

She is about 9 weeks pregnant so wouldn't be good waiting until he goes inside.

OP posts:
opheliacat · 17/09/2017 18:02

9 weeks will need a surgical procedure. I was 8 weeks when I had mine and it was surgical.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 18:04

Oh no, that makes it a lot more complicated.

OP posts:
ImDoingLaundry · 17/09/2017 18:05

For a medical termination you don't even have to go through GP. She can self refer and the only professionals who know are those in the unit. You can ask to have it kept from your records. No reason why the social worker would have to know as there's no child at risk.

Please do not let her use your name. If things (however unlikely) DO go wrong during the termination or afterwards and she needs emergency treatment, then you could both be in a horrible situation, even if she does confess to lying about her identity immediately. If she carries on lying, in the event of an emergency, the staff will have all the wrong details and this could change the treatment she receives as a result.

It's a completely unreasonable request.

opheliacat · 17/09/2017 18:06

Well, not really.

I had to go for my appointment which was supposed to be a counselling session but was anything but Hmm and they did a scan amd ascertained how many weeks I was, tried to force contraception on me, took £750, drove past Catholics holding images of dead babies then went home. That was on a Friday, my pregnancy was terminated on the Tuesday.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2017 18:08

Her pretending to be you is a horrible idea, not to mention illegal because it's fraud, and I think it's obvious that she doesn't need anymore trouble with the law. Her loser partner will never know, and even if he did, who cares??

Plop5 · 17/09/2017 18:08

He's got no way of accessing her records. She should use her own name

strongasmeringue · 17/09/2017 18:08

Would the SW have to know?

ImDoingLaundry · 17/09/2017 18:09

No necessarily Ophelia, I know of terminations later that have been medical. There's a number of factors. Even so, some units ask you to stay until the foetus has passed regardless of whether it is a medical or surgical termination.

Birdsgottafly · 17/09/2017 18:16

I've commented on everyone of your threads.

I'm glad that you've had the advice about her being able to keep it confidential.

You are all needed to take care of the child, you don't want to get tangled up in anything illegal.

She will go in as a day case and will need looking after overnight. Could one of you say that you are very ill and she is needed? So she can stay with someone?

It would be a disaster for her to have this baby, but tbh, it's her throwing all you've all done for her back in your faces.

Do not allow them to sucker you in and become embroiled in the lifestyle they have chosen.

notapizzaeater · 17/09/2017 18:18

Needs to get moving quickly. Does 'DH' know she's pregnant ?

Birdsgottafly · 17/09/2017 18:20

"Would the SW have to know?"

In this case the SW would know about the pregnancy, because they are already involved and both Parents are possibly getting a Custodial sentence.

But once the pregnancy is no longer there, no explanation has to be given. "I don't want to talk about it", is sufficient.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 18:22

Thanks Birds I remember you have given lots of supportive advice and I am sure you can imagine what I was thinking when she announced this pregnancy.

I will ring the clinic and ask their advice. Her staying with one of us won't work because he would just come with her and if she 'miscarried' while she wasn't with him ge would know straight away.

OP posts:
TheClacksAreDown · 17/09/2017 18:23

Op look here on confidentiality. She is not the first woman to want this done completely confidentially and won't be the last.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 18:24

Yes her partner anf the social worker both already know aboyt the pregnancy. She told her partner she didn't want to continue it but he put a lot of pressure on her and told his family about it so that she would keep it.

OP posts:
Isetan · 17/09/2017 18:28

Stupid idea and as much as you love and want to help your sister, she does need to start making adult decisions and asking you to commit fraud, isn't one.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 17/09/2017 18:35

Just want to say that I am supporting a friend who is leaving a horribly abusive relationship, and, it is hard bloody work.

She is making tiny wee steps every day.

Your best bet is to keep in daily contact and repeat on loop "it is your business, it is confidential, your social worker doesn't need to know"...and, to add that, actually, opting for a termination can be a sensible decision, so, if she chooses to share that with her social worker, that might be a positive.

She's lucky to have you.

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