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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being wicked stepmother?

127 replies

BulldogFart · 17/09/2017 12:39

DH has a son who is 22. He's quite an immature lad and doesn't really socialise outside of family. He also doesn't have an income and works voluntary instead.

He and DH are desperate to see a film that is coming out and DH had said that when it comes out, he'll take him. The son has then gone on about how he'll keep checking the imax times etc so they can book tickets. It's a given that DH will be paying for both tickets.

The imax cinema is 48 miles away and we have a perfectly good Cineworld 5 minutes away from our house. I've told DH that I think they should just go to the local cinema due to distance and ticket prices. He's reluctantly agreed.

If DSS was a child I'd be more chilled out but as an adult, I think dictating that it needs to be imax when he's not the one paying is out of order!

Am I being wicked stepmother?

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 17/09/2017 15:30

So, BulldogFart, how are you going to deal with this? Will you be apologising to your husband for dictating how he and his son spend time together? What was the big deal about him wanting to meet you at this music thing?

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 17/09/2017 15:32

It's not just about the one cinema trip is it? Having a child (step or not) who doesn't seem to be growing up can be pretty relentless and frustrating.

HelloSquirrels · 17/09/2017 15:50

floisme I'm on Yorkshire which I'm sure is not known for its thriving job market however I am 22 and have a decent job and a mortgage and a 1 year old. I didn't have outstanding grades or a degree but I have worked my arse off since I was 16 and so I have little sympathy for someone who seemingly just can't be arsed.

MummaTwinkleToes · 17/09/2017 16:11

hellosquirrels the OP's first point is that he doesn't work and can't pay for anything himself and is immature so he obviously would need some help from his parents to get him started in the work world. Call it tough love or a gentle kick up the bum. Yes volunteering in the short term to get some experience or skills to put on a cv is good and sometimes essential but there's no point complaining that adult dss isn't working if you don't offer help or support as needed.

JaceLancs · 17/09/2017 16:13

My DC are 24 and 26 and when I can afford to I treat them to things from meals to films, theatre or just a coffee
They have lower income than me and although less expenses are saving for house deposits of their own
It's not one sided though and they treat me at other times
I also offer help without being asked e.g. they are going to a concert in a nearby city soon and I offered to do a 100 mile round trip to take them as it will finish too late for public transport and although they both drive it would mean someone couldn't have a few drinks
I thought this was how families operated or I am missing something?
I offer help to my elderly parents - usually practical such as doing shopping or sorting something like online shopping
DM stuffed £100 in my hand a few weeks ago just as we were going on holiday n said have a nice meal out whilst away from them
I don't think we are that unusual as a family - none of us are in a position to make big financial gestures though we each have to be self sufficient!

MummaTwinkleToes · 17/09/2017 16:17

Hellosquirrels didn't see your last post sorry! Point is exactly that, you hope that like you your kids will grow up with ambition and want to be successful but some are lazy or don't have the skills to do it alone. Like you DH and I have always worked and found it soul destroying that without our help dss would have happily lay in bed all day with us supporting him.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/09/2017 16:17

I can see why you went oh my god 100 miles round trip for a film... really, that is just bonkers. but different people value different things. it must be important to them that they see it 48 miles away.

Floisme · 17/09/2017 16:48

I'm sorry there are lots of jobs that a person with a lack of social skills or experience can do?
I'm not sure how many times I have to say this but round here, limited experience and social skills are a real barrier to finding jobs at any level. Admittedly we don't know where the op lives but if the Imax is 48 miles away, it doesn't sound like a major city.

I have little sympathy for someone who seemingly just can't be arsed.
Neither would I but this young man is volunteering.

HelloSquirrels · 17/09/2017 16:51

He might be volunteering but that's irrelevant if he isn't applying for jobs.. I appreciate having it on your CV is good but it makes no difference if you're not sending said CV to anyone!

Floisme · 17/09/2017 16:55

How do you know he's not doing that?

CosyFires · 17/09/2017 17:08

You're married so any money is joint money. I'd be annoyed if something cost £25 and someone who wasn't paying wanted to get the same thing for double the price.

DoubleDinghyRapids · 17/09/2017 17:13

If dh is the one doing the driving and paying, surely he would have so to his son himself. If your dh was "reluctant" then it sounds like he wanted to go to the imax too.

My DSS is similar aged and doesn't work too. He has his own home with a baby and his attitude towards money and budgeting is worrying, he's also tagged along on dh and Myself night outs in the past as he knows he gets all his drinks bought for him, we've bailed him out with rent in the past, making our own late, so I do get the frustration re him not being an independent adult, but DH says no when we can't afford it. That's not the case here so you complaining about ticket prices and distance, when you're not even going yourself does sound petty.

If dh is worried about him not earning and how he's coping as an adult in general then he needs be the one speaking to his son.

DoubleDinghyRapids · 17/09/2017 17:23

I'd be annoyed if something cost £25 and someone who wasn't paying wanted to get the same thing for double the price.

I get what you mean but if her dh wants to go to that cinema, then why should OP get to decide that she doesn't think it's worth it so they should go to where she chooses for them.

Dh and dss like to go to a specific pub for a few pints, this pub charges almost rwice as much per pint as the other places, would I personally spend £5 on a pint? No, I think it's a waste, but if dh and dss prefer that bar and have a better time than they would in the more rundown cheaper bars then it's not a waste to him.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 17:25

admits she has controlling tendencies which can do real damage to a relationship

As can sponging dependent adult offspring.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 17:28

Round you isn't round everywhere Flo. If you're in the country there are outdoor jobs for people with poor social skills. In areas where jobs are scarce people move. They don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves.

Floisme · 17/09/2017 17:33

It's not everywhere but nor is it untypical.

Where does it say he sits around feeling sorry for himself? He's volunteering. That's a good way to raise your confidence and skills and get a foot in the jobs market.

mumofone234 · 17/09/2017 18:22

Yes you are - just let them do what they want to do. Your DP and his son will quite rightly come to resent you.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 18:28

I meant feeling sorry for themselves that they can't get paid work which is precisely what he is not doing.

He's had since he was 18, possibly since he was 16 to build skills and get a foot in the jobs market.

I can't really get my head round such low expectations of young people tbh.

I'd like to know where he's living and who's funding him. On the basis of the fact that he has no income I suspect family is the answer to both those questions.

Softkittysillykitty · 17/09/2017 18:34

So are they going to the IMAX then OP?

Floisme · 17/09/2017 18:44

Tatiana this is getting a bit circular so I'm going to stop after this post. Your right of reply.

I guess we just see this differently. The op has told us very little apart from that he's 22 and doesn't socialise outside his family. I've come to recognise that pattern of behaviour as a cause for concern - I'd certainly be concerned if he were my son.

We actually know very little else apart from that he's not in paid work but volunteers. The volunteering is the crucial part for me.
The op has said there's no further backstory.

I guess we're both reading between the lines. I'm reading a struggling young man but also a young man who's making an effort to make himself employable. You - possibly based on your own experience - see it differently. Fair enough, have a good evening.

SandyY2K · 17/09/2017 18:48

YABU and very controlling. Not nice at all.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 17/09/2017 18:50

I think you're being Mona Lisa Hair, Peach. Let them sort it out between themselves.

2old2beamum · 17/09/2017 18:51

OP you sound just like my bloody awful stepmother,
YABVU and horrible.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 17/09/2017 19:05

Aw I think it's sweet YABABU

BhajiAllTheWay · 17/09/2017 19:05

There's more to this isn't there? Why is he not working? Does he live with you? Does he compete with you for his dads attention? I can see the frustration here..its like the 'failure to launch' isnt it. He's no friends, no job, can't drive..Id be wondering if this will be the case in 10 years time..OP I think id beHmm as well. Not sure there's anything you can do as it will look like you're jealous of their bond.

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