Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being wicked stepmother?

127 replies

BulldogFart · 17/09/2017 12:39

DH has a son who is 22. He's quite an immature lad and doesn't really socialise outside of family. He also doesn't have an income and works voluntary instead.

He and DH are desperate to see a film that is coming out and DH had said that when it comes out, he'll take him. The son has then gone on about how he'll keep checking the imax times etc so they can book tickets. It's a given that DH will be paying for both tickets.

The imax cinema is 48 miles away and we have a perfectly good Cineworld 5 minutes away from our house. I've told DH that I think they should just go to the local cinema due to distance and ticket prices. He's reluctantly agreed.

If DSS was a child I'd be more chilled out but as an adult, I think dictating that it needs to be imax when he's not the one paying is out of order!

Am I being wicked stepmother?

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 17/09/2017 14:11

Do you have children of your own OP?

I think it is easy to see adult DSS as 'sponging' but when I question myself 'would I take and pay for my DS to do xyz when he's in his 20s', I find myself being far more forgiving.

I do think you need to understand why he's not in paid work and encourage him to become more independent, but not by denying him and his Dad a night out.

Mulberry72 · 17/09/2017 14:13

It's between your DH & his DS.

It's none of your business, you sound mean and very petty.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:14

I'm not convinced OP is controlling personally, I'm surprised posters think it's ok for a 22 year old not to be earning and sponging of his parents.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:15

It isn't just between DH and DS if OP and DH have to spend their money and time entertaining his son because he can't do either for himself.

Where does DS live OP?

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:15

^^ sponging off not of

Allesda · 17/09/2017 14:17

@TatianaLarina the OP's husband made an arrangement with his son, who is the OP's step son that suited them both. It didn't impact her in any way but she felt compelled to get them to change her plans to fit her views. She recognises she's being controlling

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 14:17

The OP is telling her husband which cinema he and his son can go to.

Thats not controlling?

The reasons and justifications behind it, dont matter. Controlling behaviour is controlling behaviour. Most people would see that if the a female op posted that her dh had told her she shouldnt take her adult daughter to a certain cinema, just because he thought it was best.

Allesda · 17/09/2017 14:18

*their plans

Allesda · 17/09/2017 14:18

*their plans

ElChan03 · 17/09/2017 14:20

Don't think you are being unreasonable or petty.

I can understand in an environment with shared finances you would have some concern. 100 miles for a film does seem excessive.

However if it's a plan they had made together and it didn't involve you attending then I think you should just leave them to it.

22 year old should be earning at this point and I think it's ridiculous to suggest a 22 year old would not have a paying job at this time in his life. Even if there are problems would have some kind of benefit income to rely on.

As a SM I suggest you pick your battles as we are never right and are generally told that it's none of our business etc whenever it concerns a SC so just make time and space for yourself.

Also nbu about having adult time. SS seems very dependent and should not impact personal time you have PLANNED to spend with DP.

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 14:25

El op saysvshe isnt concerned about the money it will cost or finances in general. Having shated finances doesnt mean you get to veto another persons choices. Unless it will negatively impact the otger members of the household. In this case, it doesnt.

Floisme · 17/09/2017 14:26

I think it's a shame that some posters are commenting on the son not being in paid work. The op has said he's 'immature' and doesn't socialise much. Maybe it depends on where you live but round here, even entry level jobs expect previous experience and good social skills. If the son is volunteering then he's taking steps to make himself employable and he deserves some credit for that.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:27

That's your interpretation Allesda

llangennith · 17/09/2017 14:28

YANBU. The son is 22 ffs and unemployed.
This is the same MN that says kids of 15 are old enough to walk 10 miles in the rain and get a Saturday job to buy their own clothes etc.
At 22 he needs to stop behaving like a needy toddler and be thankful he's being taken to the cinema and not having to pay anything.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:32

Depends on the job Flo, plenty of jobs don't need social skills.

He's had since he was 18 to take steps to make himself employable, whether at uni or otherwise.

Allesda · 17/09/2017 14:38

Yes it is my interpretation TatianaLarina but the OP admits she has controlling tendencies which can do real damage to a relationship

Floisme · 17/09/2017 14:38

They may not need them Tatiana but round here they expect them.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 14:40

Fuck me , some of the responses on here. Makes you worried about the human race, it really does.

If a woman posted and said, my 22 year old son struggles, he's been unable to find work, but he has been volunteering to aide his progression, he has terrible social anxiety and no friends. We both love Star Wars and I decided as a treat to take him to the imax an hour away as we'd both love to see it on that screen, and spend the after noon together.

The issue is my husband. He says I'm not allowed and I'm only permitted to take him to the local cinema as it's on,y a few mins away and will cost less. We have no financial issues and I can easily afford both the time and the ticket cost. It has no impact on him. He's forced me to agree with him. He resents me paying for my son and he resents me driving him places. I've tried to explain he's my son, and I want to do this, but he won't accept it.

What should I do, I really want to go to the imax to see it, and spend that time with my son?

The responses would have been blood curdling in their brutality about what a controlling "cunt" he was.

Lazy2Hazy · 17/09/2017 14:48

Yes

Floisme · 17/09/2017 14:59

Agreed. I'm starting to really feel for the son: an immature 22 year old who doesn't socialise rings alarm bells with me. I applaud him for volunteering.

ButchyRestingFace · 17/09/2017 15:03

From iabu to ok, yes I am in 7 minutes - is this a record?

Never fear, I shall take up the mantle in OP's stead. 👍

100 miles for a film??? Fuck right off! Of course you're NOT being unreasonable.

Not saying that you should necessarily say anything, but you're free to think it.

MummaTwinkleToes · 17/09/2017 15:07

OP what have you done to help dss into paid work? When my dss left college at 18 we were going out to work everyday leaving him in bed and coming home to him having messed up the house and being back in bed! His excuse was that there was a recession and therefore no jobs. I worked on his cv with him and printed loads of copies then his dad marched him around all the local businesses for 2days handing them out. 1week later he was employed and made some good friends through that.

HelloSquirrels · 17/09/2017 15:09

Why should a 22 year old man need help to get into work?

Floisme · 17/09/2017 15:23

I don't know where you live Hello but I assure you that round here, young people (under 25) with little work experience and limited skills - especially social skills - can really struggle to get into work. And this young man appears to be taking steps to help himself. Why do people belittle that?

ElChan03 · 17/09/2017 15:27

Flo I've just turned 25 and I've worked ever since I was 16? I'm sorry there are lots of jobs that a person with a lack of social skills or experience can do? At 22 he's losing out on opportunities for him to get help with cvs and training apart from the job centre. I feel for him but OP said he didn't socialise much doesn't mean that he's a social pariah?