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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being wicked stepmother?

127 replies

BulldogFart · 17/09/2017 12:39

DH has a son who is 22. He's quite an immature lad and doesn't really socialise outside of family. He also doesn't have an income and works voluntary instead.

He and DH are desperate to see a film that is coming out and DH had said that when it comes out, he'll take him. The son has then gone on about how he'll keep checking the imax times etc so they can book tickets. It's a given that DH will be paying for both tickets.

The imax cinema is 48 miles away and we have a perfectly good Cineworld 5 minutes away from our house. I've told DH that I think they should just go to the local cinema due to distance and ticket prices. He's reluctantly agreed.

If DSS was a child I'd be more chilled out but as an adult, I think dictating that it needs to be imax when he's not the one paying is out of order!

Am I being wicked stepmother?

OP posts:
Original poster
BulldogFart · 17/09/2017 12:49

My issue with it was simply that as DH is taking him and paying for it and doing the driving etc that adult DSS shouldn't be demanding that it's imax.

OP posts:
PantPlot · 17/09/2017 12:49

If money is an issue then obviously YANBU

If not and it's just a case of you not really seeing the value in something then sorry, yes YABU. Parents do still pay for their kids when they do things together, in the twenties anyway that's just the way it is for most people.

Ginertia · 17/09/2017 12:49

Do you always tell your DH what to do?

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 12:50

What do you mean unfortunately?

If no financial issues you're just being mean, petty and spiteful and want to limit their enjoyment for no other reason than it gives you satisfaction.

How horrible. Have some decency and apologise to your partner.

Doglikeafox · 17/09/2017 12:51

'He's reluctantly agreed'
Obviously he wants to drive to the IMAX, and obviously he wants to pay for his DS. It sounds like a lovely thing to do together than they have clearly been looking forward to.
It makes no sense for you to interfere, and if my step mother did so for seemingly no reason when she wasn't even planning on attending herself I'd be pretty peeved.

MadMags · 17/09/2017 12:51

Oh. Ok. Confused

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 12:51

that adult DSS shouldn't be demanding that it's imax

Why not? What has it got to do with you. I doubt he's demanding, it's just simply that's what they both want.

Honestly you sound just awful.

Doglikeafox · 17/09/2017 12:53

It doesn't sound from your OP like step son is DEMANDING it's an IMAX film. It sounds like he assumed they would want to watch it in imax, and as your DP was 'reluctant' to agree to not go to the imax showing it sounds like your DP wanted to aswell.

jacks11 · 17/09/2017 12:54

Whilst I agree it's up to the DH where he goes to the cinema and OP should have left them to it, I suspect OP is perhaps a bit fed up with her DH's adult child still acting in a slightly juvenile way. He is 22, not working and so. And perhaps feels her DH indulges him in a lot of ways, and rather more than OP feels is sensible. I could be wrong, but I get that sort of vibe.

HailLapin · 17/09/2017 12:55

I feel like this is not really about the cinema trip op. Do you feel in general that dss at the age of 22 , should be contributing in some way and be more independent?

The reason I ask is because for a cinema trip that doesn't impact on you financially to piss you off , there has to be some kind of underlying issue.

Original poster
BulldogFart · 17/09/2017 12:55

Ok I'll take it that I'm being unreasonable. I'm working on my tendency to be controlling, honest I am! (Hence why I posted rather than just assuming I was in the right!)

OP posts:
JaniceBattersby · 17/09/2017 12:55

Has he actually 'demanded', or just asked?

If he's had an actual tantrum and threatened repercussions unless he gets his own way then of course YANBU. If he just wants to go and see a film in a fancy cinema with his dad then YABU.

I like shopping with my best friend. I usually go to my local town, which is a bit shit. When I want something special, I go to Westfield, which is an hour's drive away. If my husband tried to stop me from doing that, I'd be spectacularly pissed off.

HelloSquirrels · 17/09/2017 12:56

If you'd said son not step son you'd have different responses.

I think fwiw you're just being sensible. Dss sounds like he needs to grow up.

Ginkypig · 17/09/2017 12:56

If your husband didn't want to go I'd agree but the baseline for me is this.

Unless there is a reason like financial reasons etc then it is between him and his son (who are both adults!) where they go, how they go, when they go, you really don't need to be involved never mind deciding the venue!

How would you like it if someone dictated rules on how you spend time with your child/friend/family member?

Original poster
BulldogFart · 17/09/2017 12:57

Yes I do think he should me more mature and independent. It's a bit of an underlying issue. A few weeks back DH and I went for a night out to a music even and was looking forward to having an adult night out. DSS ended up getting in touch asking if he could meet us out on the town. I just wish he'd develop a bit of a social life of his own I supppse.

OP posts:
Expemsiveuniform · 17/09/2017 12:59

Are they asking you to go? Or,pay for it?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 13:00

Wow. You dislike him that much that you begrudge his dad treating him to a movie.

diddl · 17/09/2017 13:03

Did you demand that it's your way or the highway?

Is your partner scared of you?

If I suggested a cheaper, nearer alternative & it wasn't wanted, I'd just be told "no thanks" & why!

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 13:04

If you'd said son not step son you'd have different responses

No she wouldn't Hmm

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 17/09/2017 13:05

I don't think that you are bad for thinking it. I do think you should never say anything.

As a SM myself (failing in most respects!) - I think you should only voice up to things that are ongoing problems which impact you both.

Otherwise, count your blessings it's not bigger problems (like DSS living with you full time and hating you.... now that's a problem)

HailLapin · 17/09/2017 13:06

It's hard to comment op , because there may be reason your dss isn't working and doesn't have much a social life of his own.

However I am currently having similar issues wrt my ds and responsibility and paying his own way. I think it's hard when you're young and finding your feet and it takes a lot of patience and support in some cases for a young person to learn about such things.

Is your dss getting the support he needs to learn these skills? Or are people just doing everything for him?

DiscoDiva70 · 17/09/2017 13:10

So you're ok to try and interfere and control where your husband takes his son, but you can't confront the hairdressers for repeatedly fucking up bodging your hair Hmm

Yes I've seen you're other thread in aibu

Floisme · 17/09/2017 13:10

You might - just might - have a point about him not having a job if he wasn't volunteering. If his confidence and social skills are lacking then that sounds like a good route (possibly the only route) to take. Good for him.

Oldraver · 17/09/2017 13:10

I wouldn't have a problem with this unless you were really stuck for money. However the DS assuming he had a free ride would piss me off.

Why is he not working ?

Hidingtonothing · 17/09/2017 13:12

But does your DH wish DSS would develop his own social life? They don't stop being your kids even when they're grown up and it probably means the world to your DH that he still wants to spend time with his dad. My DSS is 20, doesn't live with us but still comes for tea twice a week and pops in a lot, DH loves the fact that their relationship is still so close and it makes me happy that he's happy. I would try to put your DH's feelings first in this, especially as it really is no skin off your nose which cinema they go to.