Is it just me or AIBU - family

[ramblingthoughts]

My DB and SIL have just had their first baby after 10 years. Our first grandchild on DB side of the family. SIL already has a few nieces or nephews and more DBs and DSIS so a much bigger family whereas it's just DM, DF, 2 x DBs and myself.

We are all so excited re the new baby but... myself and rest of family are feeling slightly pushed to the side, not being involved in stuff by DB and SIL. One example is being told not to visit hospital as new mum was tired - completely understandable - but then finding out next day that SIL DM and DSIS were not told the same and they were allowed to visit.

Another example, they've only just decided on a name 10 days later yet none of my family were told and I found out from a friend of SIL who shared the name on social media.

Backstory - as I don't have a DSIS and obviously SIL does, she is obviously much more closer to them and maybe sometimes I don't know how to comfort her or do things for her like her sisters can do, and I do try by asking if she's ok, buying stuff for her as a new mum etc but I am just constantly left feeling like an outsider.

I understand that being a new mum and hormones are crazy and she obviously wants her own siblings and mum around her, but myself and DM are really feeling left out.

Are we being unreasonable and precious, would I be U to bring my feelings up with DB or is this the last thing he needs as a new dad?

Any advice appreciated please.

YANBU.
You can't blame sil though. Blame your brother.

Don't mention it yet though.
He and sil will say you ruined their first days as parents blah blah blah.

I think having your sister and mother visit you in hospital after birth is a lot more understandable than having your SIL come in. Surely you can see the difference there?

Its up to your brother to include you and your mum, not your SIL. You are his family and not hers. (By means of dealing with you IYSWIM).

Don't get on at your brother, just ask him if he needs any help with the new baby and if you could help him out by meal prepping/washing/ironing if you really want to be involved so much.

I totally understand the hospital situation..she would have been tired and bleeding and sitting with her boobs out. Its was about her feeling sore and vulnerable not refusing to let you see the baby.

Maybe send a text every couple of days to ask how things are and if they need help.

Don't bring it up, they are in the fuzzy days of early parenthood, they are allowed to be a bit selfish.

I understand that this is hurtful but please don't put this all on your SIL. You say the baby is only 10 days old? I assume you have visited and met the baby? The name issue, yes it must have felt pretty crap, your DB could have texted you or something at least. As for your SIL not wanting you and your DM to visit in the hospital, well sometimes people do just want to see those closest to them after giving birth, if they feel crappy and tired and vulnerable, they maybe don't want anyone else to see them like that. It's hard as you are excited about the baby, but it's early days yet. Give them time to settle into parenthood, just be kind and helpful but give them their space. If it continues to be an issue, and you and your DM are still feeling left out, maybe that would be a time to bring it up tactfully with your DB. Give it time and I'm sure it will work out

Of course of course I can completely understand that she would want her siblings around her rather than her MIL and SIL (as I would do!) but my DB and SIL have been married for 15 years and SIL has been in my life for such a long time and usually we are pretty close. I think it just reminded me that I'm not actually her sister and maybe that upset me and reminded me that I don't have my own DSIS but that's my own issue i guess although I was very taken aback and upset by seeing that they've named the new baby and didn't even tell us.

I do blame DB and not SIL 100%. As SIL looks out for her family, I do think that DB should be thinking about his side of the family.

I just wasn't sure if I was being too sensitive about this, especially as this is their first and new territory for them also.

I also don't want to add any extra pressure on to SIL as I get that her hormones must be all over the place. I think myself and family were just so excited for the new baby and things haven't worked out as we thought they would do.

How close is db to yourself and dm?

Congrats on your new DN op.
I recently found out that the whole of my sil family know the gender of my DB and SIL baby.
She has leaned heavily on my side of the family for help through the bad bits but shares the good times with her family. I don't blame her I blame my weak willed, spineless brother.

But in my heart of hearts I have a muted resentment towards her too.

.....and things haven't worked out as we thought they would do.

Yet.

But it's early days. You guys have got time to be amazing aunt, uncle, GPs, etc. And this baby is going to be super special as it's the first on your side.

Give it time.

things haven't worked out as we thought they would do

This makes you sound a little . You can't expect anything from them/for it to work out any certain way.

I always thought we were all very close. We all see each other and meet up a few times a week, and have sibling and family whatsapp groups etc. I think this is why I was feeling hurt as I always thought we were all pretty close but it feels like this side of the family has not been allowed to be involved in anything whereas SIL family have had all the visits, the cuddles, first moments etc. I don't want to fully discuss this with DM either as I don't want it to turn in to an actual issue. I'll just bend DHs and MNs ear over this!

@Fishface77 that's exactly it. We/me always get pulled for the unimportant stuff but the second it's good news or even something serious, we drop down the priority list. And as I don't have a huge family or a DSIS of my own, I'm always there for them and the one they always rely on for tasks (airport runs / shopping trips / picking up items etc).

From what I have read on there though is that often new mums look to the women on their side of the family for support after a birth and neglect the women on their husbands side.

Husbands (so you DB) have no role in this. There have been many threads about how new fathers have tried to do things and involve their families and the new mum hating it. So you want to blame your DB but he might be acting under instruction from SIL.

Just wait until things settle down.

Aw, this sounds quite mean your db isn't considering his family at all for some reason.

op.
I'm a passive aggressive cow so
Would have commented oh is that what they've called the baby?? How lovely with a Smiley face. I wouldn't have messaged them and waited till they saw it.
That might be why I used to fuck up all my family relationships. I was either passive aggressive (bad) or aggressive aggressive (worse).
Take it easy op. Once their hormone rushes have worn OF and things have calmed down they will involve you. Keep messaging as you normally do. Things will turn normal.

I would say maybe wait a while, as this is all new for everyone but if it persists in a couple months etc. maybe have a quiet word with your brother then and explain that you're all feeling a bit sad and left out and would like to share the excitement, and joy, and love and be part of your DN's life, and have them properly be part of yours/your family.

Also, we've had a similar situation in our family- my mum's brother and his wife had a baby when I was in my mid-teens, and right from the start, my cousin has spent more time with her maternal family than with ours. E.g. when she was a baby, and her mum went back to work, she always spent part of the week at my aunt's sisters, being looked after by her. This is despite the fact my grandparents (who lived nearer, and are fit and well) offered numerous times to help out. Yes, aunt's sister was younger and perhaps more able, but my grandparents had looked after my brother and me for years by themselves, and it would only have been a few hours a week. And when the sister couldn't do it, my aunt would take time off work instead of allowing my grandparents (or my mum who also worked part time) to.

Now, my cousin is 6 and we still don't see her much- a couple of hours at the weekend if we're lucky and my uncle brings her to my grandparents. But not every week- there could easily be a month between visits. Meanwhile, she goes shopping with my aunt's mum, and sisters, and their kids about once a week. And she seems to go to at least one of their houses at least once each week as well. Also aunt's mum goes over for tea every week and stays for a few hours, plus she gets a weekly (maybe more) phonecall that I'm sure must last a while, and numerous messages and photos. We know all this because aunt's mum goes to the same bingo as my grandma and shows her the messages, and mentions the phonecalls, trips and visits. Plus, cousin always seems to get and use presents from aunt's family but any from my grandparents e.g. for xmas (which they put a lot of thought and effort into buying), are left at their house so cousin 'can play with them there' - except she's never there! There's one toy, cousin got a few years ago now, that my grandad assembled at the time- in order to make space for his stuff, he recently disassembled it as she never had enough time to play with it when she was there- just enough time to have a snack and catch up, and it was never taken home (despite many hints and suggestions- not enough room at home apparently, probs due to the multitude of toys covering every room in their house).

Obviously, my uncle is largely to blame for this, I know. But at first nobody wanted to say anything as it seemed like my aunt was arranging all the childcare etc and no one wanted to potentially rock the boat. Plus you could kind of see where she was coming from (although everyone else thought she was worrying needlessly). Then she went to nursery and started activities e.g. dancing, and it took a while before we realised how much time she spends with her mum's family compared to ours. And now it's too late to say anything- plus I don't think my mum and grandparents want to do anything that could cause upset.

Personally, I'm not too fussed as to whether or not I see my cousin. I know that sounds callous and cruel but I've spend definitely less than 20 hours a year with her- probably closer to 10 hours. And I got by for about a decade and a half with no cousins (she's my only one), so I've no idea what I'm missing, if I am missing anything. I've never been close to my uncle or aunt anyway, and have my own life to think about. But I do get annoyed, and admittedly I am a bit bitter on my grandparents behalf especially. They're near their 80s so who knows how long they've got left and enjoy having everyone together. When we hear about the latest shopping trip/visit with aunt's family, or realise uncle and cousin probably won't be coming this week, or yet again in contrast to aunt's family, there doesn't seem to be any appreciation of the things they do for/give my cousin, you can tell that they're a bit upset about it, although they try not to let it show. It's just incredibly sad and I'd hate anyone else to be in this situation, so I hope it all works out for you op

I don't think your being unreasonable, I would wait a bit. Could possibly just be a bit chaotic with new baby etc. If it continues I would speak to you brother.

I personally don't agree with allowing one side to the hospital and not the other, everyone is different though.

See how it goes op, try not let it get to you too much 🙂

Hopefully this is an oversight on your DB's part - not realising he should be giving you updates on baby news like names and him just assuming either his DW would tell you herself or that you find out by osmosis somehow.
Have a quiet word with asking for him to keep your side of the family up to date as you don't like to impose on SiL.

My first was the first on my H's side of the family and the third on my side, so I think I was in a similar position to your SIL.

The birth of your first child is an overwhelming experience. You really really don't have the emotional energy to think about anyone but the baby and yourselves. She will be exhausted, in pain, probably bleeding heavily and absolutely terrified that she is suddenly responsible for keeping alive this tiny vulnerable baby.

Her family will have pushed their way into all this, because they are her family and aren't waiting to be invited or informed. She may welcome that if they are supportive. She may actually be thinking, I wish they'd fuck off and leave me alone to concentrate on my baby. Just because they are more involved than you, doesn't mean that was her choice.

She does not have the physical or emotional energy to reach out to you right now. If your brother is not making any effort to include you, that's down to him, but he's probably feeling overwhelmed and terrified too.

Absolutely do not add to their stress by causing a problem over this.

They will be grateful to you for putting their feelings above your own right now. There is plenty of time to develop a good relationship with your niece/nephew in the future. Making a fuss now will make that more difficult.

Mostly women gravitate towards their own family when they have children. It may not seem fair but it is how it's always been. However, there may be other factors at play, although I'm not necessarily implying this is so in this case, but something to consider where a new baby is involved...
Does the other family smoke, have a less than clean house, have pets, not live so close, swear a lot and or have different standards of behaviour?
No excuse for not telling you the name though, that's just inconsiderate.

I'll just bend DHs and MNs ear over this!

This is a very sensible route to take. I don't for a minute think you're being unreasonable to be a bit hurt but as others have said, she's not bu to want her mum and sister there.

The name thing is pretty shit though - but I feel that that was your brother's fault, not hers. He should have told you both.

If you think about it OP you're behaving quite selfishly. The new baby isn't a toy for you and DM to play with. You have THE REST OF YOUR LIFE to get to know this tiny person. Leave them alone fgs. They have got better things to do than worry about "offending" members of their families who want more attention. Like, ooh, keep themselves and a brand new tiny person alive, fed and happy.

If you ever have a child of your own you will understand why to a new parent your attitude is entitled and selfish.

It's kind of unreasonable to want things to work out the way you wanted them to. Of course your SIL is more comfortable with her own family around as she's recovering from child birth. I think that's a pretty obvious thing to comprehend. Just give it time and stop taking everything so personally.

Giving birth can be very traumatic and right now, you don't know how traumatic the birth was. Give her time. She may have said exactly the same thing to her family, but in the event, realised she needed them around. It sounds as if her family are more involved, which unfortunately is how things can tend to work. Give them a few days to themselves, then ask when you can visit. It is difficult to find a balance and I hope you aren't being set up for a big disappointment as illustrated in some of the stories above.

My mother hardly ever sees her nephew. I come from a very disfunctional family. From her behaviour, I now see she suffers from psychopathy and also has, I believe, pathological demand avoidance (PDA), which is part of the autistic spectrum. My mother is also high on the narcissistic spectrum as is my brother. None of them have any capacity for true empathy. Even though my brother is highly attached (puke) to my mother, he still doesn't ensure his child sees his grandmother regularly. So the whole thing is a recipe for disaster. You really don't know what's going on behind closed doors.