Is it just me or AIBU - family

[ramblingthoughts]

My DB and SIL have just had their first baby after 10 years. Our first grandchild on DB side of the family. SIL already has a few nieces or nephews and more DBs and DSIS so a much bigger family whereas it's just DM, DF, 2 x DBs and myself.

We are all so excited re the new baby but... myself and rest of family are feeling slightly pushed to the side, not being involved in stuff by DB and SIL. One example is being told not to visit hospital as new mum was tired - completely understandable - but then finding out next day that SIL DM and DSIS were not told the same and they were allowed to visit.

Another example, they've only just decided on a name 10 days later yet none of my family were told and I found out from a friend of SIL who shared the name on social media.

Backstory - as I don't have a DSIS and obviously SIL does, she is obviously much more closer to them and maybe sometimes I don't know how to comfort her or do things for her like her sisters can do, and I do try by asking if she's ok, buying stuff for her as a new mum etc but I am just constantly left feeling like an outsider.

I understand that being a new mum and hormones are crazy and she obviously wants her own siblings and mum around her, but myself and DM are really feeling left out.

Are we being unreasonable and precious, would I be U to bring my feelings up with DB or is this the last thing he needs as a new dad?

Any advice appreciated please.

OP please ignore the posters projecting their own situations on yours.

You are YNBU, it all sounds very upsetting for you but on MN women can never be wrong and men have to be as weak as piss. I have two DS and a DD, my in laws (including two SILs) came to the hospital, held their grandchildren and had pictures taken with their son and his newborn babies. I get that in certain circumstances mums and or babies can be poorly and it's not possible for lots of visitors but even with an emergency c section I managed half an hour. But I had my last DC six years ago and it seems that new mothers and now queens to put on pedestals and consulted at all times.

. Having a baby is not a free pass to treat other people like shit. Especially people that you have relied upon for favours. There is no excuse for not informing the family about the name.

This, absolutely.

I can understand the new mother not wanting every Tom Dick and Harry descending on her and her newborn, but these are people who are close and like you say, have been supportive.

Why do women behave this way to their in-laws?
Do they not realise that when their sons grow up and have children, their dils will more than push them out!
Why not break the cycle.

Those saying the OP is BU......you do get that the name hadn't been shared with anyone on OP's side of the family? Including the proud father's own DM and DF? I'd feel very hurt indeed if one set of new grandparents were left completely out of the loop, to the extent of finding out pretty randomly via social media. No need to make a big song and dance but at least tell them before splurging it on FB etc.

But the Db and SIL didn't put it on social media. Someone else did. Quite possibly without their permission. (I know several people who have had their "thunder stolen" on social media by a (well meaning but often distant) family member writing "congratulations on the birth of Harry James!" on their FB wall whilst they were still going round telling people that the baby had been born, was a boy and they were still deciding on a name and had narrowed it down to either Harry or James.

Cock up over conspiracy. Almost certainly.

But if you kick up a fuss now you will make them feel bad on these very special unrepeatable days and that will damage your relationship.

I can understand why you feel upset and I do think your brother was a bit thoughtless regarding letting you know the name. But they're in such an emotional time and will be exhausted and vulnerable and I'm sure it was just an innocent mistake rather than a deliberate snub.

I have a brilliant relationship with my inlaws and had known them nearly 10 years when DS1 was born. But I did find that in the first few weeks I just wanted my mum, I was in pain and hormonal and needed the person who knows me best in the world! Once I'd recovered a bit and things settled and I felt much happier and more confident that dependency calmed down.

Let them know you love them, you're proud of them and will visit/do whatever they need whenever they want you to.

I think you're handling it the right way OP.

For what it's worth, my DP and I live away from both of our families. I was very conscious of including my ILs but relied on DP to keep them up to speed in the very early days.

After that we started a whatsapp group which had both sides of the family in it so any pictures, updates, news was shared there and we didn't have to worry about leaving anyone out - could your brother maybe do that? Sell it as being easier for them to share all their wonderful news in one swoop and save them extra hassle.

I feel for you. My SIL still talks bitterly about people visiting, expecting too much etc after her first baby so you're right to tread carefully

I get that in certain circumstances mums and or babies can be poorly and it's not possible for lots of visitors but even with an emergency c section I managed half an hour. But I had my last DC six years ago and it seems that new mothers are now queens to put on pedestals and consulted at all times.

Things have moved on from then.
I know of grandparents who have been forced to go weeks before even meeting their own grandchild.
New families are encouraged to isolate themselves, so that they 'can bond^ in peace.

In some ways, we have gone backwards. New mothers are now being treated as if they are recovering from an illness and the mother has to be 'left alone' to recover.

I'm so pleased my children were born at a time when having a wide net of support and love to call upon was actively encouraged and welcomed.

I just wanted to weigh in and apologise. I did not mean to say the OP is being unreasonable and I did not realise I was projecting if I did.

But if you kick up a fuss now you will make them feel bad on these very special unrepeatable days and that will damage your relationship.

I think the brother should feel a little bad for not telling his parents his baby's name. And I think if he does it might make him think a bit harder about making his family feel like part of things, which will be good for their relationship in the longer term. Again, no one is suggesting that SIL should be blamed or attacked for this - just that OP might, very gently, tell her brother that she and her parents are feeling a little hurt.

YANBU. When I was in hospital after having my dc, being honest, I wanted my own family around and not ILs. However, I also realised that the birth of a child is not just about me. It is also about my dh becoming a proud new dad and the wider family welcoming a precious new member. To be fair, my ILs are all lovely and were always kind and helpful, never interfering or controlling, and I may have felt differently were that not the case.
YANBU, but be patient. If you have been close in the past, hopefully things will settle down. It probably isn't worth the hassle of starting what cpuld turn into a larger rift.

Lisa Or he might feel "fuck it - I'm doing my best here, I'm exhausted, trying to look after my wife and new baby and now my sister is getting on at me. Life's too short for this. Susie's family are being lovely - I'll call mine next week / next month / next year when they have all calmed down."

Well, in that case this is never going to go well, is it? If her brother thought that it was fine to call his parents 'next year' then, sad as it is, that's not a relationship that he values enough for it to be strong. If you can't gently raise an issue with a family member without them huffing off entirely then that's not really a 'family' relationship worthy of the name. However, I suspect from OP's post that they're actually quite close, and that's why she's both upset and surprised by this.

OP - it is only on MN that I have heard of close family being told not to visit a newborn. People on here can make any bizarre excuse they like but it's unkind to stop a GM and Aunt who have a close relationship from visiting. It just is.

Normally - yes. But right after a first baby is born people are never quite in their right minds.

Have they actually been banned from visiting or just asked not to visit in hospital (where we don't know the condition of the new mum)?

What I am saying is that people seem to find the first few days of a baby's life incredibly important but don't think so much about the next 18 years. If newborn pics are the most important thing to you then yes -kick up,a fuss now. If building a relationship with the new member of your family is more important then be kind to the new parents now and try not to make them feel bad even if they have cocked up a bit. Then do regular stuff with the child as they grow up.

Thank you for you all the responses. I've just been reading through them all.

By no means did I ever consider saying anything to SIL. I hate any form of confrontation or tension between the family, and I don't want to put anyone in that position. I fully understand that SIL is new at this, tired, hormonal, and just wants to be around her mum and sisters, that's pretty normal for even when you feel a little under the weather let alone a huge thing such as childbirth.

Re the visiting thing - I think if I was told 'oh do you mind not coming today, new mum is tired so we're only having one set of visitors?' I probably would have been fine. But I was told 'we're not having any visitors today' to then find out they actually did have visitors. Maybe that wasn't intentional at all and a genuine mistake.

The name thing - I was quite hurt about and I agree that it's DB's issue and not SIL. SIL told her friend the name who then shared it on social media a few hours later, and myself or DM, DF, other DB none the wiser. DB should have been the one to text his family I agree with that.

I was also asking if I should say something to DB, and I can see the responses are somewhat mixed. Myself, DH, DM, DB are all meant to be meeting up for lunch later, so i may mention something although I really don't want it to turn in to an argument or a 'you did this to me' argument, I just want to get my feelings across. I know my DM and DF are pretty cut up about the name thing, but this whole need to avoid confrontation we all have has just allowed DB & SIL to do what they want without any repercussion and a simple 'oh it's only you guys, you will understand' is always the reason whenever all of us or one of us are left out of things or not told things etc.

New mothers are now being treated as if they are recovering from an illness and the mother has to be 'left alone' to recover.

Really? I've seen just as many posters tell new mothers that its their duty to be available to all comers, whatever they feel like.

The reality is that until the baby is born the woman does not know how she will be. She could be up and dancing and wanting visiting hordes or in an HDU. I've had both ends of that spectrum and in between.

Its entirely reasonable for the first hours and days after birth to respect what the woman feels she is able to manage.

The second reality is that her DH should be keeping his family up to date. She may not even realise how little he is passing on.

The second reality is that her DH should be keeping his family up to date. She may not even realise how little he is passing on.

Indeed, everyone seems to be convinced that he hasn't communicated with his family because he is just so busy being amazingly supportive to his wife and new baby. There is also the possibility that he's one of many men who see family communication and organisation as wife work that he just doesn't do. Interesting that he's leaving wife and baby to go out for lunch today...

@stevie

No what's unkind is making a new mother, who is possibly hugely emotionally battered, physically in pieces, hormonal, pissing milk out of rock hard melon burning tits, trying to establish BFing, sleep deprived and shellshocked ( any or all of the previous) see people she doesn't want to see.

If you didn't push the baby out, you don't get to say what happens in the fourth trimester. End of story.

@OP - not that I think you're doing that- it was just a point for Stevie and other posters who are less reasonable than you.

@LisaSimpsonsbff my SIL has currently gone to stay at her DM's place for a few weeks as she gets used to being a new mum and can have an extra pair of hands around her. This is usually the tradition where I am from. Hence why DB is free for lunch for one hour today. My family traditionally always lunch together on a Sunday. SIL has excused herself from all Sunday lunches while she is at her DMs, completely understandable. DB will then be spending the rest of his day with SIL and new baby.

My (Ex) SIL tried to do this (have her family over first), but unfortunately they weren't that hands on or terribly interested, even though it was the first GC on their side, so DB told us to come to the hospital and see the baby.

" SIL told her friend the name who then shared it on social media a few hours later, and myself or DM, DF, other DB none the wiser."

Do you think that in that time your brother meant to tell his family, didn't have time & then thought that there was no point after it had been shared?

I can see why it's hurtful but am wondering if it's worth deliberately mentioning if it doesn't come up iyswim.

Hopefully in years to come it's a story that will be told & laughed about.

Doesn't SIL never normally get to have Sunday lunch with her family then....

So it sounds like SIL's friend has done what other people have suggested upthread- she's announced the name on social media before your brother and SIL have actually had time to tell people.

I really don't think it's worth dredging up your grievances against your brother and SIL - it'll come across that you are not being accorded your rightful importance as new auntie. Just offer to help where you can, ask what works for them in terms of visits, and look to build a strong relationship going forward.