Is it just me or AIBU - family

[ramblingthoughts]

My DB and SIL have just had their first baby after 10 years. Our first grandchild on DB side of the family. SIL already has a few nieces or nephews and more DBs and DSIS so a much bigger family whereas it's just DM, DF, 2 x DBs and myself.

We are all so excited re the new baby but... myself and rest of family are feeling slightly pushed to the side, not being involved in stuff by DB and SIL. One example is being told not to visit hospital as new mum was tired - completely understandable - but then finding out next day that SIL DM and DSIS were not told the same and they were allowed to visit.

Another example, they've only just decided on a name 10 days later yet none of my family were told and I found out from a friend of SIL who shared the name on social media.

Backstory - as I don't have a DSIS and obviously SIL does, she is obviously much more closer to them and maybe sometimes I don't know how to comfort her or do things for her like her sisters can do, and I do try by asking if she's ok, buying stuff for her as a new mum etc but I am just constantly left feeling like an outsider.

I understand that being a new mum and hormones are crazy and she obviously wants her own siblings and mum around her, but myself and DM are really feeling left out.

Are we being unreasonable and precious, would I be U to bring my feelings up with DB or is this the last thing he needs as a new dad?

Any advice appreciated please.

OP - of course you're not being unreasonable to feel how you feel- you're entitled to feel how you like- and if you continue to be as measured and circumspect as you are on here, IRL, you'll still be being reasonable.

If you begin to blame your SIL, or turn this into an "issue" with your DB and SIL while they're settling into their new family, you'll be enormously unreasonable.

After I has DS, the only person I allowed to visit for a week was DM. She was the only one I wanted. I was establishing breastfeeding, DS was jaundiced and very sleepy, and it was first baby for ExDP and I. I was totally totally overwhelmed, and full of hormones, and loved up, and exhausted and feeling ALL of the feelings, all of the time. The thought of seeing anyone except DM was just too much. after that I started to feel a bit more "with it" and friends and family started to drop by after about 10 days- but only for short visits.

Don't take it personally,OP, and the more supportive and understanding you can be now- and respectful of their wishes- I can guarantee, the better relationship you'll have going forward, and more time with DN. make it an issue now and you might find that you are more "pushed away" in retaliation (however unreasonable that might be)

Please be gentle with your SIL. She's just had a baby and she's working it out. She and your DB are wrapped up in what they are doing. She probably speaks to her family about the baby as she will be relying on them for support maybe. It's up to DB to pass things on. But please, give them this time.

This x 100

They're not trying to cut you out. They're totally overwhelmed by having this whole new person in their lives. You say that things aren't working out how you expected, I absolutely guarantee they're not how DB and SIL expected either.

Baby is a few weeks old. If SIL is breastfeeding she's probably spending a lot of time topless. You can't do that with your ILs around. It's also much harder to say to mil "oi, give me my baby back" than it is to your own mother, who is going to love you no matter how rude you are to her.

I mean this with kindness, but right now it's not about you. Give them this space. They'll appreciate it.

I honestly can't speak highly enough about my SIL. She visited once in my first weeks with DS1. Ushered her family off 'for a walk' when she could see it was too much. Firmly told DH he was to stay with me not go with them. Insisted MIL left before tea time when she started suggesting getting food. You get the picture.

My DSes both adore her now. As do I.

For now, send cards and texts, ask how she is. In a few more weeks, start seeing how you can help. Don't offer to take the baby out. Offer to sit with baby while SIL sleeps, or to make them tea etc.

Congratulations on the becoming an Aunty

My DD was born in June and an hour or so after the birth I was showered and dressed and on facetime to OHs parents. My sister came to visit in hospital, we were discharged 9 hours after DD was born and the next day we took her to meet OHs parents.

Or another experience - an hour after my Dd was born I was drifting in and out of consciousness whilst the midwives were phoning around trying to find me an HDU bed. Neither Dh nor I remember naming her let alone telling people her name. I assume we did as they seem to know her name but I don't know for sure. 7 years later we still haven't told either set of parents how poorly I actually was (we didn't want to worry my parents and we didn't think it was fair on dh's parents to be expected to keep it secret.)

The thing about raising kids is it is not a sprint. It is not even a marathon. It is more like one of those extreme 100 mile through the desert runs.

Newborn cuddles are lovely. But a 6 week old baby who's mum is exhausted and needs a shower because her husband is at work and she hasn't slept all night is also adorable.

My two are 7 and 4 now and are still super fascinating. They are still learning new things all the time. (In the last couple of weeks ds has started school and revealed he can count backwards from 100. Dd has started track cycling and we've been told she's too good for her age appropriate class and needs to move up to the class above.)

The people they are close to are those that have spent time with them when they were 7 and 4 (and 6 and 3 to a certain extent although ds's memory is shorter.) There are people who visited them loads as a newborn who they couldn't pick out of an identity line up. And people we didn't know at all when they were tiny who they now adore.

My sister took a few days to name her children and she forgot to tell me with one of them. It was just when I was talking to her on the phone and she used it to describe him I asked if they'd now decided! Gets decided the day before but just forgotten to tell me - I laughed and certainly didn't take it personally.

With the hospital thing, maybe two visitors was all she could cope with (I only wanted my sister to visit the second time - I was in three days - and that was because my husband had to go home to see our eldest). I love all my in laws but just didn't feel like it at all (I'd haemorraghed and was very weak). Or maybe they disregarded her wishes and turned up against her will!

I'd not mention any of this to them and just keep making the effort and see what happens as time goes on.

Without being harsh, it's not about you, and it's not about a heirarchy of perceived importance within a family. Other people 's babies are not an event that you get to have a turn with.

They are new parents gettting to grips with life with a newborn. It's understandable that a woman recovering from childbirth would need support from her own mum before feeling ready to see wider family.

That said, your brother should have told you the name.

Don't take it to heart. Its a little different for me as my husbands family live in a different country, but when mil offered to come for the birth and stay a few weeks, I told my husband to say no. My family all live within a 5 min drive from me, so they were there a lot. Obviously I'm close and comfortable with them. I wouldn't of been comfortable with hubbys family being over all the time as I'd then feel I needed to make an effort and tidy up, dress up, go upstairs to feed baby etc. My family just automatically knew when I needed help, if I needed food, if I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to push hubbys family to the side as such, I just wanted my mum and sister around more

There is a lot of projecting of wildly unreasonably in-laws onto OP's very reasonable post in this thread.

I agree.

There is also no where that the OP has said it's all about her, yet that line always gets trotted out.

Many people would be hurt about the name issue, even if they didn't say anything.

The visiting is understandable. (Although DS2's first visitor was BiL. He was due to visit in hospital but I had a quicker than expected discharge so he came to our house. I slept through the visit as I was exhausted by the journey back)

The name is inconsiderate and it is worth having a gentle word about it with your brother in a "we'd like to be involved" way.

If you ever have a child of your own you will understand why to a new parent your attitude is entitled and selfish.

I've had children and I think the OP has every right to be upset. Having a baby is not a free pass to treat other people like shit. Especially people that you have relied upon for favours. There is no excuse for not informing the family about the name.

If I was you, I'd have a quiet word with my brother and remind him that his parents deserve kindness and consideration and to hear important information about their gc from him. And that the baby is part of more than one family. While it is natural for a woman to lean towards her own parents it is mean to cut out the ILs who have been supportive and nice.

I think I'd also make myself less available for favours if this doesn't change. You are not there to be used when convenient and ignored otherwise. It is okay to demand to be treated respectfully.

Cut them some slack and be there for them. There were some misunderstandings like this when dd1 was born, and it left a close family member feeling hurt. While I wish I could change that, I wanted to put my husbands and my needs and wishes first, and for some reason thought this was actually acceptable at the birth of our first child! Send stuff and then see them in appropriate small doses (and be helpful - don't insist on holding the baby etc, wait to be offered, or ask gently if it might be ok, make the tea etc). But also realise they may be less available physically and emotionally for the next 5 years or so as they put their baby's needs first.

I can understand why you're upset by this OP and YANBU to feel this way. However, if you talk to DB or DSIL about it now then YABU.

I had my DMIL visit in the hospital to be 'fair' to my husbands side of the family when in my bleeding, sweating state I only actually wanted my DM there. I really resented DMILs visit and spent the whole time just wishing she wasn't there. I'd be thankful that when you met your DN, your DSIL was genuinely happy to see you and would have enjoyed watching you fawning over DN.

Not telling you all the name as soon as it was to be made public is not fair. The hospital visit, however, is different as PPs have outlined.

If you ever have a child of your own you will understand why to a new parent your attitude is entitled and selfish

I hope one day you have your own PFB, so you will fully understand.

There it is! I was wondering how long it'd take for these kind of lines to be mentioned.

OP, I can get why you and your DM feel a bit pushed to oneside. I agree with others that really it should be your DB that kept you in the loop with everything. It may well be that your SIL just feels that right now her own family are needed more as (unfortunately for you) they are her own, but of course at the same time you should feel a bit more involved on your DB's part. Just give it a bit more time. Maybe she told her friend about the name because she didn't want to appear rude when asked about everything, and maybe they do want space as a whole but her family have walked all over their wishes any way.

My sister's husband had just gone abroad when she had a long & difficult birth-which my mum supported her through in lieu of her husband.

In this time BIL flew back & mum was banned from the hospital for the days that he was there visiting!

So it literally was a case of thanks for being there, now disappear until my husband goes back & I want/need you again.

I didn't see nephew until I went to collect him & my sister from hospital with my mum.

Did it hurt? Yes?

Did we understand?-of course!

We were told the name straight away though!

Those saying the OP is BU......you do get that the name hadn't been shared with anyone on OP's side of the family? Including the proud father's own DM and DF? I'd feel very hurt indeed if one set of new grandparents were left completely out of the loop, to the extent of finding out pretty randomly via social media. No need to make a big song and dance but at least tell them before splurging it on FB etc.

You can find excuses for the hospital thing but surely that's not good form?

halsall yes, and quite a few of them also seem not to have noticed that OP explicitly says that if she does anything at all then it'll be that she talks to her brother - yet half these posts seem to think that she's threatening to go berate SIL mid breastfeed!

I think YANBU.

People who have tiny babies are not trying to manage the full involvement of the wider extended family, for their benefit, but are trying to survive, to the benefit of themselves and the baby.

what this practically means in our society is that mothers get the bulk of the responsibility and the physical impact of giving birth to, and suddenly having, a baby; so they need help and reassurance and they reach out to those whom they have experience of help from already, which is female family and very close female friends. That's all it is.

If men had historically any interest in a, babies and b, being any emotional or physical use in supporting women, then the men's involvement would be completley differnet, and yours too, through your brother. It's the way it is because of complicated raft of social, physical and cultural factors, and not a situation invented by your SIL for her own reasons

if you feel able id have a quietish word with your bro.take the convo by ear when you ge tto it.should you be upbeat and "ei ei ei how come weve not been able to see you guys" or softer "we would love to see her brother and surprised we haven't yet is everything ok" you no him and how your converations usually go.
don't make it confrontational.
your not wrong to be hut you feeling are all rational and fair because they are yours.
if others have seen her what about simply "I hear you've been receiving visotors to the cutie when can me and mum come"
or askig if you cold come one evening or luch,could you offer to cook for them so they can do nothing just sit at table when its all ready.
you have a gift to bring?
there could be all sorts behind this and I'm more inclined to say this becaue you said your so close so I cant think why it would be "nastyily" done.

Sorry not quite rtft but just wanted to say with regards to people knowing the name before you - could be that the in laws shared that info without SIL and DB permission. I have a friend who's family announced the birth on FB with all details of name, weight, sex etc before the parents had chance to tell the rest of their family/friends on the phone. Totally unfair and out of their control.

I felt very vulnerable and had recovery/feeding issues once I got home from hospital and only really wanted my mum. My DH kept in contact with his side of the family but I didn't want them there every day like they were expecting.

Give them some time and space. Offer to help with washing, meals, driving them around etc and they will see you're there to support them in the long term.

How close are you to your brother?

The reason I ask is DD is very close to all her maternal side, because love 'em or hate 'em, I am too. In fact she's super-attached to my mum - nanny is no 1 ahead of anyone else. Whereas her father's been a problem from the start and she has had relatively little to do with his family. Unfortunately she has more to do with him than I would like, but that's a different story.

My DD was born in June and an hour or so after the birth I was showered and dressed and on facetime to OHs parents. My sister came to visit in hospital, we were discharged 9 hours after DD was born and the next day we took her to meet OHs parents

Well done you, do you want a medal? Not everyone's experience is the same as yours, you were very lucky to feel up to it after your birth.

@Halsall I think the name thing is pretty U. For it to be posted on social media (even with SIL's/DB's permission) is a bit out of order. A quick text even just as a heads up. I'll make an assumption and (possibly wrong) guess and say that the OP has maybe text her or something at some point between DN's arrival and now.

If men had historically any interest in a, babies and b, being any emotional or physical use in supporting women, then the men's involvement would be completley differnet, and yours too, through your brother. It's the way it is because of complicated raft of social, physical and cultural factors, and not a situation invented by your SIL for her own reasons

This is so insightful! Men's interest in hands on child rearing has been a relatively new one. Certainly my own dad never changed a nappy. (Nor has he ever changed DD's).

From what I have read on there though is that often new mums look to the women on their side of the family for support after a birth and neglect the women on their husbands side

This is a real problem that happens a lot.
I've always said to my daughter that she needs to include her husband's family in things and not push them out.

I expect the 'it's only natural to only want your blood relatives there' brigade will be along in a minute to say otherwise.

I think YABU. If I had just given birth I would want my own sisters there but not my SIL.