Is it just me or AIBU - family

[ramblingthoughts]

My DB and SIL have just had their first baby after 10 years. Our first grandchild on DB side of the family. SIL already has a few nieces or nephews and more DBs and DSIS so a much bigger family whereas it's just DM, DF, 2 x DBs and myself.

We are all so excited re the new baby but... myself and rest of family are feeling slightly pushed to the side, not being involved in stuff by DB and SIL. One example is being told not to visit hospital as new mum was tired - completely understandable - but then finding out next day that SIL DM and DSIS were not told the same and they were allowed to visit.

Another example, they've only just decided on a name 10 days later yet none of my family were told and I found out from a friend of SIL who shared the name on social media.

Backstory - as I don't have a DSIS and obviously SIL does, she is obviously much more closer to them and maybe sometimes I don't know how to comfort her or do things for her like her sisters can do, and I do try by asking if she's ok, buying stuff for her as a new mum etc but I am just constantly left feeling like an outsider.

I understand that being a new mum and hormones are crazy and she obviously wants her own siblings and mum around her, but myself and DM are really feeling left out.

Are we being unreasonable and precious, would I be U to bring my feelings up with DB or is this the last thing he needs as a new dad?

Any advice appreciated please.

Just give it time and stop taking everything so personally.

I think most people would take the name thing personally tbh.

The name thing, I get why you feel hurt. That's absolutely your brother's doing though.

The hospital visit is 100% understandable. There are about few dozen people who I would say I'm "close" to, including some of DH's family and many friends. Would I have wanted them bedside while I was was getting my nipples shredded, sitting in a litre of my own blood, catheterised, unable to stand up and unable to sit up due to the stitches? Fuck no. I'd rather see them once I had been able to get a shower, and that should be completely understandable.

Out of interest, do you have children? If you do I'm sure you'll remember how utterly exhausting, painful and overwhelming the first days can be. I would give them a chance to settle and put your own feelings aside, for now.

I had my BIL at the hospital after c section and wouldn't again. I was sore, felt uncomfortable and wanted to focus on establishing BF.

The best thing you can do is offer your help abd support.

I can totally get that you feel left out. But, as numerous threads on here have displayed, it's a massive experience having your first child - which you have yet to go through and so don't completely 'get'.
Give it time.
Accept that we automatically feel closer to 'our' family rather than the ILs.
And, I'm saying this very kindly - please be aware it's not all about you.
I hope one day you have your own PFB, so you will fully understand.

OP I don't think that YABU at all. Yes it's overwhelming and scary having your first baby. But if you've been a part of each other's lives for 15 years you're family!

My DD was born in June and an hour or so after the birth I was showered and dressed and on facetime to OHs parents. My sister came to visit in hospital, we were discharged 9 hours after DD was born and the next day we took her to meet OHs parents.

I know everyone has different experiences, but at no point was I sitting with my boobs out, and even if I was, it's breastfeeding, people are going to see them.

As Hedda said, she's almost certainly currently feeling like she was hit by a train, even if she had a straightforward delivery. I had my side of the family come to visit the day after I gave birth and honestly, I wish they had left it a couple of days because I was in a right state. I couldn't have seen anyone else, all I wanted to do was curl up with ds and try and try to heal a bit.

Your dbro does sound pretty useless and at some post ywnbu to take him aside about this, but not yet. If she had a traumatic delivery he may also be feeling bruised - I know at least one bloke ugh he was going to have to lose both his wife and his son, things went so far tits up (happily both came through fine!) and I know my own dh was pretty rattled by the whole experience. The only time I'd ever seen him cry at that point in our relationship came a few days after we brought ds home in fact - it just floored him.

Keep talking to your dh and mn if it helps, but try not to take it too personally if you can. I'm sure your little niece or nephew will adore you too as they grow up. But right now, it may just be that their family needs to go to ground a bit.

If you ever have a child of your own you will understand why to a new parent your attitude is entitled and selfish.

Oh piss off with this 'you'd understand if you'd had kids'. Plenty of responses from those who have who can see why she's upset about this. Plenty of people who haven't had kids can imagine how SIL feels and think it's best left alobe. And parents can be selfish and entitled too!

And, I'm saying this very kindly - please be aware it's not all about you.

No but it doesn't stop people being hurt.

Having a baby doesn't mean you can deliberately be hurtful to people.

I hope one day you have your own PFB, so you will fully understand.

You assume everyone's experiences are the same. They aren't.

If you ever have a child of your own you will understand why to a new parent your attitude is entitled and selfish.

Aren't you a peach

YABU - You have no idea how things actually are in that house. SIL may still be recovering or maybe struggling to adapt to motherhood and your DB is doing the right thing and focusing his time and energy on his new family.

Like FishFace I would have been passive aggressive and called them out, also commenting saying 'that's a beautiful name, lovely to find out with everyone else' ... but that's just me
I have been in the same position when my SIL gave birth last year, I haven't been involved anywhere near as much as I would have liked or expected, but she's now much closer to the women in her side of family. I guess she just realised who she felt was most important to her - and her DP's little sister wasn't quiet on the list! Neither was my mum! I'll live.
Let things settle, and mention you were a little upset and felt you weren't involved as you thought you guys were closer!
Hope things smooth out for you soon OP!

I would just take a slight step backwards and let everything settle. I wouldn't have wanted all my in laws turning up at the hospital when I have just given birth either...

The baby is here for the long haul, so there will be plenty of opportunity to see them all :)

I get the name thing. But your SIL and BD are probably shattered. They need to be cut a bit of slack in that they suddenly have a tiny but very demanding little life that is totally dependant on them. It's all consuming at this stage. They won't have meant to hurt you, just have something else occupying every second of their time.

Play the long game. When you do go round ask what you can do. Every time. Never assume.

Some of my visitors decided what they would do to help - they'd wash up badly when all I wanted was things loaded in to the dishwasher. They'd put a load of washing on before leaving when I knew I had a 2 hour window to try to get a nap in, and didn't want the spin cycle waking me up. I know how ungrateful I sound but I hated it. Ask what you can do and your SIL will want you around!

I think the new mother may be overwhelmed by having just gone through labour - there may be gory details that haven't been widely shared with friends and family.

As a first time mother I was pleased not to have too many visitors. I remember lying in bed willing them to just go home because I was aware that fluids were pouring out of my body and was too self-conscious (and sore!) to move because I knew I needed a change of sheets/shower/fresh clothes.

Feeding baby was difficult, painful and very public.

An audience was the last thing I wanted.

If you ever have a child of your own you will understand why to a new parent your attitude is entitled and selfish.

Wow, you're rude. And you have no idea why OP doesn't have kids, so you're extremely nasty too.

I only wanted my mum and sister for the first few days too. I felt vulnerable and emotional and needed their support. What I didn't need was to have to feign smiles and entertain relatives.

just give them time, it's a really tough time for some people and you have no idea what is going on with them.

Omg give them a break. I wish that my family had been a bit more considerate about visiting they wouldn't be told no. Even when I was sleeping for the first time n days. They probably appreciate that you are waiting for things to calm down so that they can enjoy a visit with you instead of people always being there.

I was the same with hospital visits. I had a tough time and only people who visited weren't Mam and best friend. We wanted and needed time on our own.

I wouldn't say anything at the moment as the first two months with a new baby are really tough. Just bring dinners and food and offer to help if they want it but don't stay too long. I was amazed at my sister in law who has a child stayed for over 3 hours with my niece.

I pushed my in laws away a bit at the beginning as they were very in our faces about their grandchild and wanted updates and photos every day and gave out when we didn't do it one day.

Now that he is 5 months I'm delighted if they hold him and give me a break.

You can be very protective at the beginning with a new baby especially if you feel your in laws are being overpowering

Well, I've had a baby and I can understand why OP is upset. I would be in her position too.

Whilst I wouldn't have wanted my MIL or SILs in hospital I think the name thing is a little hurtful. We told family and close friends directly about arrival, name etc before posting anything on social media. Though I told my family and DP told his so actually, I probably wouldn't have been aware if someone was being left out on his side. I think it's your DB you need to take issue with. I doubt SIL is consciously leaving you out, she's likely just getting on with things and talking to those close to her. At 10days it's all still a bit of a haze and working things out.

Over the first year whilst I was on mat leave I got to know all the women on DPs side a lot better which was lovely and I'd say both sides of the family see DC as much as each other.

Give it a bit of time and just make it known you'd love to help/visit. I'm sure as they get used to being parents you'll see them more.

Let me offer some help from the other side. Less than a week after I gave birth my MIL arrived at my house (to this point they had been welcome whenever they wanted, at the hospital the next day after I gave birth early morning in all visiting hour slots, etc) to tell me that FIL felt unwelcome and was going to stop coming to visit. This was because I was not chatty, had seemed grumpy and had not let him hold my baby twice - once when I was feeding and once when I had finally managed to settle her to sleep after hours and she was in her pram. It started as a discussion and turned into me being told off like a child. When I tried to explain that I was a new mum figuring all this out I was backlashed with, "That is simply not true and no excuse, you are a natural."
This destroyed those early days for me. I was so twisted up and convinced that I had done something wrong that I was on edge entirely whenever they were around. I felt like I was being judged and everything had to be perfect. I couldn't just relax nor seek help and had to relinquish my baby whenever anyone else asked because that's just what you do.
I know it sounds mental but when you are sleep deprived and trying very very hard after a tough labour and EMCS you can't think straight. It's very easy (or was to me) to turn everyone else's ridiculous expectations into my own failings.
Now the relationship is damaged beyond repair as far as I am concerned as I will never get those weeks back. They are lost to feeling guilty, anxious and totally stressed out.

Please be gentle with your SIL. She's just had a baby and she's working it out. She and your DB are wrapped up in what they are doing. She probably speaks to her family about the baby as she will be relying on them for support maybe. It's up to DB to pass things on. But please, give them this time.

Invite them over for Sunday lunch they will appreciate it I know I did

Let me offer some help from the other side.

I'm sorry for how your MIL spoke to you but it really isn't 'the other side' of OP's story. There is a lot of projecting of wildly unreasonably in-laws onto OP's very reasonable post in this thread.

Ffs the baby is 10 days old. How many times have you seen the baby already?

This isn't about you!

My inlaws became less welcome when they just tried to take over with their excitement and were constantly in our faces with taking photos of the baby and constantly ignoring us. Instead of supporting me Breastfeeding they continually demanded to know when that would stop (in a house that planned extended Breastfeeding) and didn't respect boundaries.

Be careful what you do here. I get excitement but wait and be gentle with them.

I can understand why you feel upset but unfortunately I think you'll just have to be patient.

I had an emcs with my first so I had a catheter in, as well as my boobs out at least 50% of the time as my baby wouldn't latch. It was pretty stressful, I was quite tearful. It would have made me feel really uncomfortable having my in-laws see me like that, so the only visits I was happy with were from my parents. My in laws probably felt left out but it wasn't my concern at the time tbh.

Obviously your dB should have texted you the name at the same time as telling his in laws but it's better to just let it go (don't send passive aggressive messages).

I would text your sil in an non pressured way every day about how she us, how she's coping etc. Then text you db and gently say you and your mum would like to visit, and when you do be helpful - make cups of tea, bring cakes, biscuits. Bring a homemade meal they can heat up or buy some nice M&S ready meals. Offer to help out whilst you're there.

Be a brilliant guest and they'll appreciate it. My sil is great like that, but parents in law tend to just sit there and still expect cups of tea, sandwiches etc even when you've just given birth!

Lisa - of course, I totally appreciate that. The OP seems lovely and has not taken that step. What I mean is if she does cause an issue with her DB and SIL right now it could easily leave them feeling like I did, rightly or wrongly.