Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for the best way to speak to a colleague about her personal hygiene?

97 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/09/2017 20:37

I've been nominated by senior management to speak to one of our team members about her personal hygiene.

There is a team of 8 that I'm not apart of (manage a different dept but they are linked) they are all making comments about this lady and her personal hygiene, not nasty but uncomfortable to them.

From what I've been told, she is having long term personal problems and a part of that is letting her personal hygiene go, not washing hair, showering, wearing clothes day after day. The complaints are a musty smell which can be quite strong.

This lady has been employed for years, no issue with her work ethic, no issues apart from how her team are feeling and no one wants to say anything. I've been nominated because I'm seen as someone that can deal with anything but between us, I've not had to do this before, any tips?

The lady In question is very reserved and quiet, really just gets on with doing a great job and apart from her making me a cup of tea when I visit we have no relationship, I don't want to offend her but the situation is offending 7 people on daily basis and I've been asked to have a quiet word.

I just want to help all without offending, is that possible?

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 16/09/2017 20:41

If she's made you tea before....meet with her and mention you've noticed a bit of a change and want to know if she's okay and if there is anything the company can do to support her. I'd avoid mentioning that others have complained.

kaytee87 · 16/09/2017 20:41

Without wanting to diagnose over the internet, is it possible she is depressed?
Maybe you should start by asking if she is ok and if she needs some support/time off to visit doctors etc. the hygiene situation might sort itself if she's feeling better. You could always say you've noticed she hasn't been taking care of herself and that's why you're worried.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 20:43

I agree, please don't say the others have complained. She's got to go back in and work with them. Say you've noticed and wonder if she's depressed.

Subtlecheese · 16/09/2017 20:50

Definitely go with empathy. You're aware she's going through it. Make time for a decent chat, tissues on hand.

user1497997754 · 16/09/2017 20:56

What about asking her to meet up for lunch outside of the office...neutral ground....somewhere quiet...I agree with others saying that you could mention that she seems not herself and then take it from there....prob could do with a girlie chat if having some personal probs at home...I hope it goes well for you it's a difficult one good luck

bloodyorange · 16/09/2017 20:57

I'd tell senior management to fuck off, this is not your responsibility

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 21:02

So, someone without empathy does it then?

Wolfiefan · 16/09/2017 21:05

It should be up to whoever is her supervisor or manager. They are putting you in a difficult position.

Maryof1993 · 16/09/2017 21:08

Don't beat about the bush. Don't avoid the issue. Just tell her straight.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/09/2017 21:08

Really like the off site lunch thought and the changes convo after receiving a cup of tea.

I did'nt want to mention my own diagnosis but I do think there is a level of depression, I think she has given up,and as long as her work is on par she is just doing the basics to pay her bills, from what I've been told I think she is lonely and she is only a year older than me. I would love to offer some support, especially as she doesn't appear to others to have family near etc. I want to help her if I can.

I wouldn't want to tell management to fuck off because then no one would offer any help Sad

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/09/2017 21:23

Something along the lines of are you ok, noticed a change. Don't look like you are taking care of yourself. I've noticed that you are not changing your clothes and possibly need a bit of a haircut (or whatever). Whatever you say is going to be shit for both of you but say it comes from just you. Then say have you seen your gp. Feel free to come and see me if it gets too much. Etc.

Good luck. I used to get nominated for these jobs.

BeBeatrix · 16/09/2017 21:31

Expressing it as concern sounds exactly right. But I think you have to explicitly mention the B.O./need for more showers.

It'll be embarrassing for both of you, but if you don't clearly state the problem, then it'll just mean another awkward conversation.

Good luck.

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 16/09/2017 21:31

Management should do this task. It's very unfair of them to pass it to you to do.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/09/2017 21:32

My thoughts are offering support and an opportunity to think about it and then I'll return to see if she wants to disclose but unlimatly the team need her/me to I,prove the situation.

I really don't want to offend but I'm conscious that others are working in discomfort.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 16/09/2017 21:34

This is for the senior managers surely? She could easily raise a grievance against you if you do this. They should not be passing this to you.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/09/2017 21:35

I am Management but to another team that work with this team and she is their manager.

As much as I don't want to do it I'm probably the best one to speak to her, I'm empathetic to her situation and really don't want to offend but we need to sort it out

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 16/09/2017 21:35

How would you want someone to approach you about this sort of thing? If you didn't realise you had a hygiene problem and your colleagues were talking about it to their managers, how would you like to be told?
I always think about it like that.
I've had to have that discussion before with a staff member and it was awkward but I put myself in their place and it did help

BeeFarseer · 16/09/2017 21:38

I used to have to hold these sorts of chats too. It's unpleasant for both people, no matter what's said.

Definitely go with empathy, but you do have to say specifically what the issue is and that it needs to be sorted out.

user1468353179 · 16/09/2017 21:46

I used to work with a woman who absolutely stank. She had left her husband, moved into a shared house and had to put money that she couldn't afford (£1 a shower) so she chose to wash in the sink and wear the same clothes every day. I used to feel sick when she was in work , just the two of us in a tiny office, but none of the bosses would say anything to her.

ibuiltahomeforyou · 16/09/2017 21:47

Oh God I've had to do this. I manage someone with complex depression and anxiety issues whose personal hygiene has sometimes suffered.

The last time I did it, I was just really straight down the line with her and delivered it in an honest but kind way, saying that on occasion her outfits weren't suitable for the situation and that clean, neat clothing and hair were really important to look after each morning before coming to work.

I didn't spell out any of the issues as baldly as 'you've got BO and greasy hair' but she was under no illusion about what I was saying and the areas of her appearance which were unacceptable. I didn't want to have to have that conversation twice so I needed to be clear!

I wouldn't engineer a chat in a way that she would have to disclose any mental health issues just in case she shuts down and you have to plough on from questioning how she is coping to then telling her that she smells.

Keep it brief, factual, kind and clear if you can. She will likely be mortified but it's easier to do it once than have to have the same conversation again in three months' time.

Justaboy · 16/09/2017 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/09/2017 22:04

I wouldn't say meet her for lunch or a coffee.

If she is depressed and reserved, she might also be lonely. I can't help feeling it'd be awful if she thought you were making a friendly overture and she realised you only wanted to tell her she smelt.

I think your boss should do the talking, but if you must do it, I would just be factual and brief.

ShiveryTimbers · 16/09/2017 22:08

This is her line manager's responsibility, not yours.

ItsAMackerel · 16/09/2017 22:13

Please don't try to dress it up with a lunch or a coffee. If indeed it is the right thing for you to be having the conversation take her aside to somewhere private and be kind and be honest.

It's ok to say that you feel a little awkward having this conversation..

But please be honest with her. Offer support, is there anything that you/the company could help with?

She will probably be horribly embarrassed so it might be useful if there is some practical help that you could offer.

lougle · 16/09/2017 22:16

Can you make it near the end of the day, so she doesn't have to spend the rest of the day acutely aware that she is lacking in personal hygiene and can't do anything about it?