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Original poster

To ask for the best way to speak to a colleague about her personal hygiene?

97 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/09/2017 20:37

I've been nominated by senior management to speak to one of our team members about her personal hygiene.

There is a team of 8 that I'm not apart of (manage a different dept but they are linked) they are all making comments about this lady and her personal hygiene, not nasty but uncomfortable to them.

From what I've been told, she is having long term personal problems and a part of that is letting her personal hygiene go, not washing hair, showering, wearing clothes day after day. The complaints are a musty smell which can be quite strong.

This lady has been employed for years, no issue with her work ethic, no issues apart from how her team are feeling and no one wants to say anything. I've been nominated because I'm seen as someone that can deal with anything but between us, I've not had to do this before, any tips?

The lady In question is very reserved and quiet, really just gets on with doing a great job and apart from her making me a cup of tea when I visit we have no relationship, I don't want to offend her but the situation is offending 7 people on daily basis and I've been asked to have a quiet word.

I just want to help all without offending, is that possible?

OP posts:
Herechickychicky · 16/09/2017 23:15

Sorry, meant to say I'd find that easiest to receive. And deliver.

StarfishSeahorse · 16/09/2017 23:17

So a kindly written, sympathetic, anonymous note is worse than being humiliatingly confronted by a colleague?! Hmmm ok then.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 23:18

Yes, because on top of the humiliation she has to wonder who has written it - she won't be able to trust anyone.

JaneEyre70 · 16/09/2017 23:23

I'd make sure I said something out of the office, and at the end of the day but it's really important to be very clear about your meaning. Say you feel awkward saying something, but you've noticed a change in her personal hygiene standards, and others have too. And that it's not really acceptable when you are working in close proximity to others. If you don't work with her on a day to day basis, that's possibly why you've been asked to approach it with her. Just tell her in the way you'd want to be told yourself.

whattobeexpected · 16/09/2017 23:24

Kind of was in the same position, except it was my colleague who had to get pulled in, there was only ever 2 of us on shift at a time. So i know not everyone agreed but my manager pulled me in after and we acted like it was a general reminder type of convo. I know people say just tell it straight but in the position we was in she was severly depressed and was going through an awful time!

Puffpaw · 16/09/2017 23:28

Just what herechicky said

ZippyCameBack · 16/09/2017 23:28

If it all goes horribly wrong and she gets upset and interprets it as some sort of personal attack, will your cowardly managers back you up, OP? Or does it seem more likely that they will back off and leave you to take the fallout?
I'd be really, really wary of taking this on.

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 16/09/2017 23:30

Please don't start with the depression - what if she gets emotional and thinks you are trying to help then you follow it up with her personal hygiene? Awful. I had this once when I had damp in my wardrobe. My boss said that it was obvious that I liked clothes and was interested in my appearance and thought I would want to know. This was 20 years ago and while he was very kind about it, my new place has damp and I am so paranoid about it happening again Sad

BellaNoche · 16/09/2017 23:30

With Fizzy's suggestion.

Definitely" this isn't like you", approach with empathy, supportive, in private. Be prepared for more ongoing support as she clearly has some sort of difficulty.
Don't mention other people complaining.
Don't take her to lunch, it will be humiliating for her, especially if lonely and she thought you were being friendly with no agenda.
I hope HR will give support if she needs a bit of time off, eg if she has had a bereavement, is depressed. Check out first what you would be able to offer her via HR support if needed.
Poor woman, feel sad for her.

SingingMySong · 16/09/2017 23:31

Definitely not anonymous. OP is representing the company, and management does not communicate with staff via anonymous notes. Also this lady needs someone to be kind to her.

I really like the "not like you" suggestion. Also is there any chance there could be financial difficulties or a poor housing situation underlying?

Stress that her work is absolutely above reproach.

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 16/09/2017 23:31

Oh - and he also said it in passing, as part of a general conversation. If he'd taken me into a room and announced it I would have felt even worse - like it was a massive problem and I was in trouble.

BeBeatrix · 17/09/2017 00:56

Some really good suggestions here, in particular:

-Not over lunch or coffee. She'll probably want to leave straight away.
-Just before the weekend is good- space before facing you again
-"not like you" is a kind way of putting it

SusanTheGentle · 17/09/2017 01:10

Read this:

www.askamanager.org/2013/04/how-to-talk-to-an-employee-about-body-odor.html

But also, if you're not her manager it's not your job. Push back.

HoorayForBoobies · 17/09/2017 01:42

Some really empathetic suggestions here.

Only thing I'd add is remember that when someone feels humiliated they may lash out. She may be angry with you and rather than reach out and allow you to support she may turn on you and turn it into a personal attack from you to her, especially as you are not her manager. It will be easier to hate you and think you're just horrible, after all, than to feel pitied and embarrassed by you. I'm only adding this so you can have a think about how to deal with this if you don't want to tell her that other have complained and asked you to speak to her.

Good luck - you sound really lovely.

HappenedForAReisling · 17/09/2017 04:57

Give her a present of nice toiletries and deodorants/ perfumes

  1. Why the fuck would you do this out of the blue?

  2. That has passive-aggressive written all over it.

TrailingWife · 17/09/2017 05:09

I'm worried about you. You don't seem happy, and you're coming in to work with clothes and hair that are unwashed. It doesn't create a nice environment to work in, it kills me to say this to you but it IS creating an odour problem, but most of all: this isn't like you. Can we/I help you at all to feel better, more in control?

This is very nice. The other thing I would do is to start with a sincere and specific compliment to her work. Find out what she has done really really well, and start with that.

After have the conversation you have to have, end with another positive, true, specific statement.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/09/2017 05:18

I would also make it clear that the cowards senior management team have asked you to have a word so that it is clear that it is official and not personal. 'I am happy to support you and work with you on this but xxxxx is the person on the management team who lumbered me with the job you need to talk to if you are offended not happy.'

KityGlitr · 17/09/2017 06:35

Check out the ask a manager blog. She has a lot of posts advising how to handle this exact issue.

I favour a kind and direct approach. Stay away from trying to diagnose or get drawn into the underlying reasons, she's entitled to her privacy, and make it clear what you expect so there's no misunderstanding in the future. For example you expect staff to attend each day in clean scent free clothing, with hair that isn't visibly dirty or very greasy, to have had a wash or shower before work and not to carry an offensive smell. Then if she struggle with understanding or implementing any of this maybe you can offer further advice. Let her know what the workplace expectations are and then give her chance to meet them. It's no difference to any other performance issue.

rwalker · 17/09/2017 07:07

sorry but there are some shit replies and here .You need to be professional and direct, Very awkward but unless you are direct dropping hints and leaving toiletries is a waste of time .Explain that management have asked you to have a word so it does not come across as personal attack due to the sensitive natural of the situation .

Emmageddon · 17/09/2017 07:30

Poor woman. I had to tell a colleague that her personal hygiene wasn't up ton scratch - I was her line manager so I couldn't pass the buck. I went for the 'worried about you, this isn't you' approach and thankfully she took it well. Her home circumstances had changed and that had triggered the lack of personal care.

fullofhope03 · 17/09/2017 08:02

Just as Fizzy's post (part of it below) says -
The whole conversation is centred on the fact that she IS a clean, hygienic person, so the situation at the moment is worrying because it isn't like her to present herself like this.

And speak to her at the end of the day. She definately sounds depressed poor thing Sad
You sound like a lovely and very kind person OP - Good luck with this and do let us know how it goes, xxx

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/09/2017 08:05

I would take her somewhere private - be factual - say you are concerned about her personal hygiene and appearance - state that you have noted a deteiration.

I would avoid saying "we" at all costs because it will leave this lady wondering who else has brought up an issue.

As an aside - cannibis can make clothes smell really damp/foisty - could she be using as a pain relief?

GnomeDePlume · 17/09/2017 08:07
  • Be formal so set this as a meeting in a room away from other people. Make sure you wont be interrupted and that she can have a while to gather her thoughts for a little while afterwards.
- Tell her what the problem is. Dont beat around the bush. Explain why it is a problem. - Give her some time to absorb this and to reply (problems at home? bathroom being refitted? feeling low?) - Is there anything the company can do to help?

This might be useful:
www.askamanager.org/2013/10/update-how-to-talk-to-an-employee-about-body-odor.html

Runningpear · 17/09/2017 08:12

Do not have this discussion with your colleague!
This is a job for her direct management - not you. Tell management you've thought about it and it will be better coming directly from them, therefore you cannot do it.
If you have no responsibilities for line managing her you could be opening yourself up to claims of bullying & victimisation. she could also just tell you to fuck off, as you are only a colleague.
They've put you in a bad position - push back OP.

Lofari · 17/09/2017 08:16

Tread carefully OP. If she is depressed she may well see this as the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

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