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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for the best way to speak to a colleague about her personal hygiene?

97 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/09/2017 20:37

I've been nominated by senior management to speak to one of our team members about her personal hygiene.

There is a team of 8 that I'm not apart of (manage a different dept but they are linked) they are all making comments about this lady and her personal hygiene, not nasty but uncomfortable to them.

From what I've been told, she is having long term personal problems and a part of that is letting her personal hygiene go, not washing hair, showering, wearing clothes day after day. The complaints are a musty smell which can be quite strong.

This lady has been employed for years, no issue with her work ethic, no issues apart from how her team are feeling and no one wants to say anything. I've been nominated because I'm seen as someone that can deal with anything but between us, I've not had to do this before, any tips?

The lady In question is very reserved and quiet, really just gets on with doing a great job and apart from her making me a cup of tea when I visit we have no relationship, I don't want to offend her but the situation is offending 7 people on daily basis and I've been asked to have a quiet word.

I just want to help all without offending, is that possible?

OP posts:
StarfishSeahorse · 16/09/2017 22:21

Write an anonymous letter and leave it on her desk, right it with kindness.
She can read that and address the problem without the mortifying situation of being confronted face to face by someone.
Although this really is a job for the cowardly SLT they've really thrown you under a bus here I think.

StarfishSeahorse · 16/09/2017 22:22

Write it with kindness ffs!

CamperVamp · 16/09/2017 22:29

Relaxed and Direct.

"Oh, nane, I meant to say the other day: you probably aren't thinking about this sort of going at the moment, but it often smells as if your clothes haven't been washed. I won't say more now because I am sure you get what I am saying, but best to get back into your personal care regime now"

CamperVamp · 16/09/2017 22:32

God, don't send an anymoud letter! Can you imagine ^receiving* an anonymous note? You would forever suspect everyone, fe totally insecure, and wish the sender had not bee so cowardly.

Fewregrets · 16/09/2017 22:36

If she smells musty it could be her home or where she stores her clothes. I had a friend who lived in a lovely flat and she was very clean but she always smelt of damp. Whenever I visited her even my hair would smell when I got home.

Dancinggoat · 16/09/2017 22:37

Do not meet her for lunch or coffee !! She will feel trapped. She will want to leave the conversation as soon as it's done. Do it at the end of the day so she's not feeling self conscious in the office for the rest of the day.
You can be clear as well as empathetic. But you need to be clear about the hygiene or it won't get rectified. Talk about the hygiene first then ask about how she is. The other way will be difficult.

Fewregrets · 16/09/2017 22:39

Can you just give a general speech about how important it is that everyone showers and wears clean clothes every day?

Maryof1993 · 16/09/2017 22:41

really don't want to offend but we need to sort it out
Can't sort it out without offending. Just tell her. Stop emotionising it

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 22:43

I'd keep her back at the end of the day. She won't want to chat afterwards. I'd do it on a Friday evening so she has the weekend to think about things, too.

Maryof1993 · 16/09/2017 22:48

I'd keep her back at the end of the day. She won't want to chat afterwards. I'd do it on a Friday evening so she has the weekend to think about things, too.
You're not a teacher giving a detention. Its cruel to do it on a Friday afternoon - she'll end up spending the whole weekend sweating about it.

Kailoer · 16/09/2017 22:49

oP, it's really not on

Your senior management have basically passed the buck to you and absolved themselves of any responsibility either to her or you here!

At the very least they should be offering an HR steer / support for you

What happens if she misconstrues it as you bullying her?
Or just a kindly friend offering advice (which it isn't, if they've explicitly asked you to resolve this)?

Your senior management team have basically said it's your problem to deal with, then cut you loose

No way would i touch this situation with a bargepole. It has Grievance and lack of professional management all over it.

Jux · 16/09/2017 22:51

Could you approach it with the observation that you think she doesn't ook as happy atm as she did? I'm not sure how you would carry on from there, something about losing a spark, not seeming as interested in her presentation? That that can be a sign that someone is undergoing personal difficultiies such that they crowd out the interest in self?

It is so sad. I do hope you manage it, and I think you sound really kind.

Pebbles1989 · 16/09/2017 22:52

Can you do it at the end of the day and possibly near a quiet room or loo, so that if she needs to go and cry, she can do so? I'd be tempted to take a very subtle approach at first, focusing on making sure she is ok, as it may be all that is needed. I wouldn't go in all-guns-blazing, talking about BO etc., in the first meeting. If the problem persists then you might need to be more direct.

Madreputa · 16/09/2017 22:52

I agree with Fewregrets
Just give a general lecture about personal hygiene and how important it is in a place where several people are in close vicinity of each other on a daily basis.

Pebbles1989 · 16/09/2017 22:53

I'm pretty shocked at some of the suggestions here - anonymous notes, saying that other people have noticed and complained?! Hmm Imagine how awful those things would make you feel.

Sienna333 · 16/09/2017 22:54

I also think it is a bit off that you have been nominated to do this. I would either go for a general email like someone suggested, going along the lines of importance of hygiene and tidy appearance or talk to her near the end of the day about it. Like someone said, it is going to be horrible for her if the chat happened in the morning and she can't do something about it immediately. There is no polite way to say someone smells but try to do it in a concerned and sensitive way. I certainly don't envy you this job. Good luck.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/09/2017 22:54

If you have HR staff this is something which should be dealt with by them both for the reasons outlined by Kailoer and to keep it at least partly away from the team structure.

Its not reasonable of 'Senior Management' to dump this on you.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 22:54

No, not a teacher giving detention at all, but giving her a chance to get upset without her colleagues seeing her and to get her clothes washed and dried - that might be impossible to do overnight.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/09/2017 22:56

Really awkward, but agree that if it is to be effective then it does need to mention personal hygiene.

Definitely use the phrase 'It's not like you'. Come from the angle that you've noticed that things have changed and it's not like you - distance her and the person you (and therefore her other colleagues) know at work from these less desirable things that you've noticed. The problem isn't her as a person that way - you are not insulting her. The whole conversation is centred on the fact that she IS a clean, hygienic person, so the situation at the moment is worrying because it isn't like her to present herself like this.

She sounds depressed, poor thing.

Kailoer · 16/09/2017 23:00

Do any of you who are suggesting HOW to deliver the message realise how confusing this will be to the poor colleague?
The OP is not her line manager, nor responsible for managing her staff, she does not have the formal structure remit to touch this nor does she know the lady in a friend capacity.

Op needs to make it clear to Sneak management that dumping this on her is I'll advised at best from all sorts of legal best practice, practical and ethical standards

pleasehelp99 · 16/09/2017 23:02

Why don't you put a nice box in your toilets and pop deodorant face wipes sanitary products etc in just little things us females use/need and all contribute ...I did this at work and we all popped little bits in and now have a boots practically at our feet ...even perfume and makeup samples

Magicmonster · 16/09/2017 23:03

I really like fizzygreenwater's suggestion.

WitchesGlove · 16/09/2017 23:07

Give her a present of nice toiletries and deodorants/ perfumes?

Do you have showers at work?

Say that you were thinking of cycling in to work and were concerned that you would sweat and smell? Just to broach the topic

Maryof1993 · 16/09/2017 23:08

Can you do it at the end of the day and possibly near a quiet room
Beginning of the day, not the end of the day. Otherwise its 'I've got to be horrible to you, now go and fuck off home because we don't give a fuck'. Beginning of the day means 'I've got to be horrible to you, buy have the rest of the day off to gather your thoughts'

Herechickychicky · 16/09/2017 23:14

I think Fizzy has it so far.

If it were me, I would want to be told at the end of the day on a Friday so I could go home, cry, and sort myself out over the weekend.

I think I'd find the "I'm worried about you. You don't seem happy, and you're coming in to work with clothes and hair that are unwashed. It doesn't create a nice environment to work in, it kills me to say this to you but it IS creating an odour problem, but most of all: this isn't like you. Can we/I help you at all to feel better, more in control?"