To be offended by my husband??

[girlingerrupting]

Skived off then end of work on Friday and got my hair and nails done for evening out with DH and friends. I got home in heels and a dress (sort of what I wear to work) and quickly changed into jeans shirt and leather jacket for local dinner.
During night he tells the other woman what a wonderful mother she is literally gushing. She didn't ask for it and isn't insecure. He has never ever said that to me. Then proceeds to get so drunk when we get home I just go to bed.
Fast forward to today I spend all morning ferrying children and cleaning (not been done for a while as I work long hours and DH doesn't know Mr muscle from his elbow). I sort out ironing then we all have lunch. Later he takes Dc out for about 1.5. I make tea and we think we'll have a take away and watch a film. I've done one dishwasher by this time. We all do home work and practice etc and then I put boys to bed thinking as planned he'll get us some food. I finish and kitchen a bomb site and husband watching rugby.
I complain and he proceeds to tell me that I'm lazy that he thought I looked like shit the night before (was I supposed to go out in work clothes? I don't even have much for weekend cos we're broke). Now the fact that our friend (wife) was dressed really similarly to me. And he gushed about her.
I'm just feeling really unloved. Aibu?
I just want to curl up and cry sat night now crap. He didn't know I was upset about the mother thing. I suppose I'm a pretty average mother because I work so much but I'd quit in an instant if he could support us. I feel really hurt. And now really crap about how I look.
Makes me wonder if I'm the nightmare why is he so horrible?

Bluntness how do you make a deeply insecure husband secure?

It's not your job to fix him.

Your job is when the barbs come, to laugh them off, shrug them off with a wry grin and a shake of the head and a "lol, yeah right, you wished you looked as good as this" or " thankfully I'm not your parent then eh? " if the barbs don't hit their mark he will stop. You can't let him see your hurt, it's like fuel.

You can also try kindness and compliments that are real when he's not behaving badly. If you can stomach it.

And if it doesn't work, you fight back, he tells you you look shit, you tell him the same. Fight fire with fire.

Then if that doesn't work, you need to walk away, life is too short to spend it with someone who puts you down and verbally attacks you. That's not what you wish your kids to learn is normal.

What you can't do is let him see he hurts you, he's already learned that, and what you can't do is try to fix him. Irrelevant if what Coldplay sang...

He's a dick. Simple.

Even if you looked like you'd been dragged through a hedge by a goat he should have seen you as beautiful and told you so. Instead of gushing over another woman which indecentaly I'm pretty sure he did just to piss you off for whatever reason dicks have.

Sending a hug op

The whole act of singing your friend's praises was designed to put you in your place, too, btw. As I said - twat.

I bet you looked gorgeous, he was just being spiteful and trying to make you feel insecure about yourself. Clearly you're not lazy either. He's a dick to say those things and you're worth far more. Working doesn't make you an 'average' mum either! I bet your kids think the world of you, and for him to be gushing about another woman that way (as if he even really knows what she's like as a mother?) while never saying that to you is just another deliberate attempt to make you feel crap. I'm so sorry you're feeling unloved but the truth, it doesn't sound like he does love you . I know that's horrible to hear but the fact is he's a nasty twat too and you deserve much much better.

He sounds awful. Keep your chin up and don't let him wear you down xx

Bluntness has got it spot on!

Done the kitchen. He's watching telly. I guess I'll start again tomorrow and try some of Bluntness' advice. I feel better for some virtual hugs and a good cry.

girlingerrupting "I don't slate him am a bit paranoid about the male ego because I'm more financially successful. But occasionally he lets rip and I don't know why but I feel very unloved at the moment"

If you feel unloved it is because he is behaving in an appalling manner. If he is not happy with what he earns he needs to get a promotion or do some night study to up his chances of a promotion. Not complain that you earn more and 'presumably' share your earnings with the family.

Agree with expatinscotland "He's a jealous, gas-lighting".

Would you consider some marriage counselling?

I think you need to challenge these rude comments and the accusation of laziness is just awful.

I agree with Bluntness it is not your job to fix him.

Can you work with him if he is willing?

I agree with Frouby if you decide not to stay together "I would reduce your work hours so you are doing a similar amount of childcare."

"Then once I was established I was the main carer for the dcs again I would be divorcing his shitty arse asap." That is if that is what you want.

Expat is right 'Bluntness how do you make a deeply insecure husband secure?'

You don't, because a) it's not your job and b) he's an adult. A mature one who loves his partner sorts his insecurities out himself. Your husband is a dick.^

He is trying to dominate & hurt you. He is jealous & realises you are more than capable of existing without him. Unfortunately, as with most of these abusive dicks, rather than cherishing you, he makes it a power trip.

Does this sound like a loving supportive relationship to you ?
I'd give him both barrels, tell him to try & be nice,
if not, what is the point ?

I feel very unloved at the moment

This.
I don't think he loves you now.

But, I'd look at doing couples counselling to sort out your relationship. You need to talk properly and address your issues together. To stay together or separate.

Life is too short to live with a man who doesn't treat you with love and respect.
You did nothing wrong. He is trying to undermine you and thinks he can get away with it. Who cares if he is insecure? That's his problem. So what if you work? People have to work. You are providing for your kids, and by the sounds of it taking the lions share of the household shit too.
What do you get out of this relationship?
I don't know if this was just a bad day or the norm in your marriage-only you know that, but to me it doesn't sound like a good dynamic.
There are nice men out there who would cherish you, but even if you never met one it's better to be alone than badly accompanied.

Actually, no, don't do couples counselling. Some counselling for you might help, but 'couple' counselling is very easy for abusive men to manipulate, so you will end up with some dozy twat of a counsellor telling you that you need to open your legs more often and never criticize your shit of a husband.

Thing is, you poor girl: this is not fixable. This man fundamentally believes that you are his inferior and need to be diminished until you are properly servile and grateful to him for condescending to stay with you. He's hugely inadequate and simultaneously hugely entitled.

There are insecure people who can improve, with kind support from both the people close to them and professional help, and there are the ones who turn their insecurity on other people and consider it a free pass to be obnoxious, because it's everyone else's fault that their feelings are not prioritized. Once someone chooses to make their own unhappiness everyone else's problem, the only thing to do is get away from that person.

He doesn't think you unattractive or a crap mum. He's just saying that stuff because he feels inadequate.

It's possible that you are doing so much out of guilt that he feels un needed. Maybe he just needs to feel less intimidated by your ability to do it all. You could make it clear that you need more help, that you find it difficult to do everything, and are not a superwoman who never wants to sit and rest but a mum struggling to cope at times.

Or you could tell him to man up or ship out.

You might find this an interesting read.

I'm sorry you don't have your Mum to go to for a hug 💐

I'm so sorry he was so bloody vile to you and such a twat fawning all over the friend at dinner. He really is a twat.

The bits you've have said and your tone indicate you do a lot to accommodate his ego already. I'm not sure you're doing yourself any favours.

It sounds like you think you want to try to work things out? From this distance I'm all for telling him to go fuck himself that it's over, but actually in your shoes I'd probably try to 'work things out'. For a while at least.

It seems like he feels like you put on a dress & heels for work, but dress 'down' in jeans to go out with him & he feels this means you don't 'care' or 'make an effort' 'for him'. [idiot]. Is there anyone he feels particularly threatened by in your work circle?

It might be a good time to rebalance your hours so he can work more, you can work less & you can do 50/50 childcare. Two reasons, one so he can g fund her s self esteem & 2 so that if you do end up divorcing he can't claim to be the 'main' parent.

You need to start standing up for yourself instead of apologising & 'explaining'. Don't 'explain' how much effort you put into looking nice for him last night, instead tell him you're not a bloody barbie doll dressing for his pleasure & that you will not be spoken to like that. Really call him out on it.

Tell him that you will not stand for him fawning over another woman under your nose ever again & that if he starts you will pull him up on it, loudly, in public. Tell him if he wants to massage other women's egos & his own he can move out of the family home & do as he pleases.

It's ok to be an 'average mum'. Average, normal, ordinary...being 'super mum' is highly over rated and usually embarrasses the kids anyway! I'm sure your kids think you're the Best Mum Ever 💐

More (((hugs))) they're super squishy Mum hugs.

I've not read all comments but read all your comments OP.

The word that came to my mind was 'negging'. Although yours is more extreme, not a back handed compliment but an insult. But maybe for the same reason.

As I say, 'negging' is usually used of men trying to get dates with women and back handed compliments, your examples are more extreme but maybe just read this and see if it resonates.

elitedaily.com/dating/why-negging-needs-to-stop/1666301/

I agree with others OP ... stop explaining all that you do to him... you do not owe him an explanation of your daily role ...

you are an amazing Mum... you deserve appreciation love and respect ... I'm so sorry to read what you're going through

If he does more parenting because of his hours, why is he not doing more cleaning too?

Is it because he has is a dick?

I don't do hugs much but there is one from me heading your way.

If he wants to complain about your 'laziness' then he might like to see what you actually do. Obviously he won't take over your chores but you can start leaving his dishes, his clothes, his mess.

If he says you only dress up for work? Tell him that he isn't worth your effort.

And what wallywobbles and ifnot said.

I bet your kids think you are awesome. x

and a fat bingowinged hug.

As bluntness has said, retort back with some comebacks. Or sit down and talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel. If its still continuing, walk away!

Madd Soft Squishy ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) Sweetpea
😿🌸🌷🌼🌷🌸🌻🌸🌷🌼🌷🌸

re. dressing up for "him"......
try reversing this, does he dress up for you in a suit & tie to go out ?
Are you not allowed to relax & be comfortable ?

Basically this whole fiasco needs to end.
You will try to explain & justify. he will ignore & belittle, twist the argument into something else, it will always be you who is wrong. need to change, & fawn over him looking to appease make him like you
This is not a mutual supportive relationship

He is an ass and he is getting bored of you.

It does t sound like you are able to address this straight on op and I think you have to - 'I was upset and angry with what you said to me yesterday. I am a good mum, I also work hard to provide and spend a lot of my time at home cleaning so we dont live In a tip. My problem right now is a very unsupportive husband. If you have some constructive suggestions for what should change in our marriage then share them. If not, stop being offensive and nasty.