AIBU to force my son to eat school dinners?

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Hi all, I apologise if this gets long.

Backstory, my DS (5) is a very fussy eater. Having started on home made Annabel Karmel recipes from weaning, he will now only eat Birdseye chicken fingers and potato waffles for dinner, cheese, strawberries, grapes, banana at a push. No other meats, no veg, no pasta. He will eat chocolate and haribo of course!

We met a child dietician 6 months ago and we have a follow up booked for 18th October but not much has improved in that time, he will now try a new food, albeit the tiniest little mouthful, without making himself throw up but will very quickly decide that he doesn't like and sticks firm with that decision.

He started Reception two weeks ago and we decided that we would try to encourage him to eat food available at school (not have a packed lunch as he did in pre school) and would review this at half term having got feedback from the school and the dietician. We thought that at 5 he is old enough to understand that there are lots of different foods out there to try and that he could try to do with new friends eating theirs. This hasn't gone particularly well but not poorly enough for me to consider packed lunches earlier than half term. However, due to a very early hospital appointment, my DM took my DS to school yesterday and when it came to choosing lunch, he threw himself on the floor and a proper tantrum (for info, he is not this kind of child and has never done this with me). The school have mentioned that they don't think he is eating enough during the day (although he is eating crackers at afternoon break so there are some carbs going in), he has breakfast before school everyday and then his delightful chicken and waffle in the evenings.

I feel that the school are going to try to push us into switching to packed lunches asap but DH and I feel that this would be giving into DS' fussy eating and letting him regain control. I feel trapped in the middle because DH feels very strongly about this and I suspect he will think I've given in if I start to make packed lunches. However, I don't know if the school are right instead.

Would I be unreasonable to ask the school to continue supporting our decision on this until half term when we will review the situation? Funnily enough we had a huge breakthrough this week when DS sat with DH and ate an impressive amount of plain pasta so perhaps that's making this decision harder as there is a glimmer of progress.

If you made it to this point, thank you for reading! AIBU and what would you do?

My dd has additional needs and a very restriced diet. When he started school, all the professionals recommended he have school dinners, as eating with his peers would help. We had a strange first few months where school insisted he was eating all sorts of things he wouldnt touch at Home ('hazeyboy ate a whole cottage pie!') I asked them to keep a food diary, so the dietician could see it, and spoke to the school cook. It turned out that ds barely ate anything, aparat from cheap white bread and marge and crappy cheap yoghurts. I spoke to his dietician and she said to give him packed lunches, maximising the nutrition in there, and it it had to be the same every day, so be it. School were unkeen, and would do things like send back flapjack. The dietician helped us fight our corner.

I would go with packed lunch, and maybe see of, as time goes by, he like the lok of something at school (for ds it is pizza, twice a term)

Good luck!

This sounds like my DD - she really didn't wean, and only started getting the majority of her calories from solid food rather than milk aged about 3.5

She went to a nursery from 3 which served a cooked lunch. This has helped her - when she began, she rarely ate anything. At 4.5 she's just started school, and will usually eat something (possibly just the pasta, for example). When she was at nursery, we collected her at 1, just after lunch, so if she hadn't eaten anything, she could have something (from a list that looks very similar to yours) at home.

Is your DS going to school for the whole day? DD is coming home from school at 1.30 at the moment, which means she isn't doing an afternoon without food.

At DD's school, we're asked to send a fruit snack in (in addition to what is provided by the school). DD will eat bananas, so she at least gets that every day.

At DD's school, we could choose to send a packed lunch. We're going for school dinners at the moment, but we're keeping it under review.

Out of interest, how was your DS when you first tried weaning? DD simply didn't want to wean, and spat out almost everything that we got into her mouth - she'd produce milk vomit if spitting didn't work; she didn't become a fussy toddler, she was always fussy, and I still wonder if something else is going on.

Hi, don't know if it would help but I would really recommend reading First Bite by Bee Wilson - all about our relationship with food and how we develop it from childhood. It's absolutely fascinating; really well written and engaging, and she mentions some interesting studies/approaches done with children whose eating patterns are very restrictive. Basically it involves having a reward system if the kid tries just one tiny bite (or even a lick) of something they dislike, but in a no-pressure environment so it's not stressful.

I realise this is more a long-term thing for encouraging your son to expand his range, rather than a practical suggestion, sorry!

Sleepy, he is going all day five days a week. He loved weaning. I batched cooked several different Annabel Karmel recipes and after a while he just began to refuse them one by one until he wouldn't eat any of them! No idea why 😞.

Cellorama, thank you for the suggestion, I will have a look. I'm happy to a reward chart if it will work for him.

the reward chart might work, but TBH I'd leave it a while till he settles into school

school is full of rewards for good behaviour etc etc and a reward chart at home might be a bit too much for him

My ds only eats same food for lunch everyday, but at home, he gradually started to eat more variety of food now.
I think it was better that I stopped getting stressed up about him not eating anything new.

He is under dietitian since he was a baby because of his allergy, but I do agree with pp who said they are not trained child psychologist. It was reassuring to know he is getting enough nutrients, but advice on fussy eating from them didn't help so much.

My dh was a very fussy eater as a child who ate only chicken and potato, but now he eats anything!
I know it's hard, but it may get better and easier with age.

I send my son for hot dinners when I know he will eat enough of it. It's not supervised like it used to be, when I was at school you had to eat it or sit till you did now they push it round then bin it, I'd just make sure he eats x

Stick with it

Ask him.right shall we make sure food life doesn't get boring for you!pull sleepy bored facehow about u and me go to shop and see if there is anything u want to add to ur special wish list to try.then we can tick off a new one each week if u like.then serve up a little with his usual so ur nor taking away his comfort.and don't ptress just let him nibble if he chooses.then spook how was that yay or no icky or yum...worked so well with us.he loved having a choice feeling grown up and still safe.like a challenge and he started to ask fr more.finding all sorts on the isles.
At school if he tries stuff say awesome lad,really praise.ask what he thinks they might try next.no pressur.no must.

I think you need to see the school lunches, IMO they are as bad as 20 years ago without the sugar and fat and importantly calorie laden puddings. After working in a school I would give my child a packed lunch. The budgets that they have to feed the children are very small, you can't make decent meals for that money.

I think you are taking the easy option of passing this to the school to deal with
Why is it their job
I would give him packed lunches at school and do the food trying in the evening at home where it is yours and your husbands job

No, over40, OP isn't taking easy option. I think op is just trying everything to help her child.

Kateandme I'm glad that worked for you.
My daughter would have looked at me and said "I know what you're trying to do mummy, and it just makes me feel more pressure".

ellisandra sorry bout that.each to their own. I think we had a lot of stuff before this that paved the way perhaps too. I'm just trying to think of options maybe OP can pitch ideas from all of our experience even if not all agreed or would fit her own/your own child.
plus there was no pressure.it was choice choice all the way.it was something we set up but was very open to cant be bothered,not today or no way just don't want tos.he was I think at the point where all the kids were eating he wanted to now but was just stuck and a bit frightened.it was NOT PRESSURED.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that your child felt pressured.
I think any idea is great to try!
I just wanted to share my daughter's response, so that OP doesn't feel alone if she's tried something like that and it didn't work!

I've actually really liked this thread because it's great not to feel alone. My daughter actually does have a reasonable range of foods, she might not touch sweetcorn and banana, but broccoli and apple is no problem. I'm lucky there. But I get frustrated that she just will not try anything else. Fine if she tries and doesn't like, but just bloody try!

My sister (no kids!) says "I have a rule (with nephews/nieces) that you just have to try one bite". And it makes me because she has no idea that making / encouraging / rewarding / cajoling that one single bite would become just as fraught a situation as saying you have to eat the whole damn thing!

99% of the time I just run with it, she eats what she eats. And then every now and then I'm full of frustration.

She's not stupid - any strategy to get her to try something new, she knows damn well what I'm up to

OP, I have 2 children who have had extreme fussy eating. One of them had ASD but is now pretty good eater going for wide range of foods. The other one has had gastro probs and reflux and is still extremely difficult. Good old chicken fingers and waffle - that's one of our safe foods too. He didn't gain any weight for his first 2 years at school (on packed lunch) and now cones home for lunch. please consider going for packed lunch if he will eat it. He needs energy to deal with school day. You can work on expanding range at home in evening or weekends. I have dealt with gastro paediatricians and feeding therapists and peer pressure/hunger does not work on kids who are problem eaters. I'm reading 'helping your child with extreme picky eating' at the mo. It recommends trying new foods with back up of safe food so he can eat something if he doesn't want to try something new.

ellisandra great point thankyou.i was worried you thouh I was forcing an action plan on him lol.phew.

she sounds lke a clever little one.and it must be both frustrating and pride filling at different points :) with food.do you think she will be more open as time goes on. is there anything that you can think of that helped you and her try other foods.
could someone she idolises open or have said foods and offer her one of theirs?
I get it.with one of our it was gets knife and splits food in half " eat that then you can go....no problems.tried with the other and wowwwwwwww big difference. he just said no and oh the yelling if we tried.
each child is so very different.so often though at that moment we felt we were now doing something wrong or had some blame on us for succeeding in parents with one and not the other.
again why threads like this can be so supportive.they can help you feel your not alone and how hug and vast the difference are.

I was a massively fussy eater at that age. When I started reception I found lunch times so stressful. I just didn't want to eat any of it even though I tried so hard. I ended up on packed lunches pretty quickly and never looked back. I was so much happier and relaxed at lunch times.

Over the next few years I became a lot less fussy and ended up eating pretty much everything.

When I look back, the worst things about the experience for me were when meal times became a battle ground, when I was forced to 'just try' things when I felt really repulsed by them, when a lot of fuss was made of whether or not I ate stuff. I honestly was not trying to 'win' or 'gain control'. I just felt repulsed by lots of foods I was offered! But over time things obviously worked themselves out!

Personally I would take all of the control and power issues out of mealtimes. Give him a packed lunch. At home, just give him things he's comfortable with plus a disliked food/unfamiliar food each time. He doesn't get praised or rewarded for eating/touching the disliked food, just ignore it all. Take the pressure off him so he doesn't dread mealtimes. He will explore new foods when he's ready.

I also wouldn't do reward chart as again it means you're maybe trying to force things before he's ready, putting his eating under the radar and he will be feeling the pressure to be 'good' and eat stuff even when he feels anxious and repulsed by then. So he ends up forcing himself before he's ready, or 'fails' and doesn't get any rewards so ends up feeling more rubbish, and probably making you feel more frustrated.

ZZZ great advice, very wise 👌

yes, great advice ZZZZ

I did what ZZZ did, took all pressure off

Still put new foods on his plate, alongside "accepted" ones but without fuss

He now eats most things, but it has taken years

My daughter was exactly the same: extremely fussy and would only eat a few things. I decided to start her on school dinners. She barely ate anything and after the TA told me she hid under the table sobbing, I switched her onto packed lunches. In my personal opinion, reception already presented so many new challenges that it wasn't fair of me to add food in on top.
We started working on it at home so she had the support and familiarity of us. She was expected to try her meal and if she didn't, the only alternative was a piece of fruit. It took around 6 months but now, she will eat anything and will try new foods. It's made a huge difference

I thunj this has been a great thread because I know at the time I felt everyone else's kids ate anything and I was mortified and embaressed that mine were so 'wierd'

By baby 4 I could cope and was relaxed and chilled. We have them what they liked and put other stuff for them to try alongside. No
Pressure just fun.

As I said all grown up now and ds 2 was a chef for a while so am amaxing cook. Ds1 and dd3 eat normally but dd4 is still restrictive in that ste will only eat spicy foreign foods or Italian but no 'english' type bland foods.

It's just who she is.

Same here with taking the pressure off. I sometimes get him to sniff, whilst saying that he doesn't have to eat it. then he will either decide to eat or leave depending on the smell. But he can now eat more than his chicken finger and waffle. He's still not great but a lot more than he used to. Also taken years. Volume intake also big prob for us but hoping you haven't got that problem.