AIBU to force my son to eat school dinners?

[TakeawayAgain]

Hi all, I apologise if this gets long.

Backstory, my DS (5) is a very fussy eater. Having started on home made Annabel Karmel recipes from weaning, he will now only eat Birdseye chicken fingers and potato waffles for dinner, cheese, strawberries, grapes, banana at a push. No other meats, no veg, no pasta. He will eat chocolate and haribo of course!

We met a child dietician 6 months ago and we have a follow up booked for 18th October but not much has improved in that time, he will now try a new food, albeit the tiniest little mouthful, without making himself throw up but will very quickly decide that he doesn't like and sticks firm with that decision.

He started Reception two weeks ago and we decided that we would try to encourage him to eat food available at school (not have a packed lunch as he did in pre school) and would review this at half term having got feedback from the school and the dietician. We thought that at 5 he is old enough to understand that there are lots of different foods out there to try and that he could try to do with new friends eating theirs. This hasn't gone particularly well but not poorly enough for me to consider packed lunches earlier than half term. However, due to a very early hospital appointment, my DM took my DS to school yesterday and when it came to choosing lunch, he threw himself on the floor and a proper tantrum (for info, he is not this kind of child and has never done this with me). The school have mentioned that they don't think he is eating enough during the day (although he is eating crackers at afternoon break so there are some carbs going in), he has breakfast before school everyday and then his delightful chicken and waffle in the evenings.

I feel that the school are going to try to push us into switching to packed lunches asap but DH and I feel that this would be giving into DS' fussy eating and letting him regain control. I feel trapped in the middle because DH feels very strongly about this and I suspect he will think I've given in if I start to make packed lunches. However, I don't know if the school are right instead.

Would I be unreasonable to ask the school to continue supporting our decision on this until half term when we will review the situation? Funnily enough we had a huge breakthrough this week when DS sat with DH and ate an impressive amount of plain pasta so perhaps that's making this decision harder as there is a glimmer of progress.

If you made it to this point, thank you for reading! AIBU and what would you do?

I found this sentence slightly chilling

I feel that the school are going to try to push us into switching to packed lunches asap but DH and I feel that this would be giving into DS' fussy eating and letting him regain control

he needs control right now, his world is big boys school, shouty teachers, kids he is unsure of...he needs to feel a bit of safety and reassurance and if going in with his wee packed lunch box gives him that, so be it....as it stands, facing all that, knowing he has to eat something at lunchtime he doesn't want in a big noisy hall...god I could cry for him I really could

Teacher here. Send a packed lunch.

In our school, we have a canteen (unusual - I don't teach in the UK) and it is manned by two teachers to keep an eye on children, plus canteen staff. I can only speak for my situation, but we can't watch over your child as closely as you would seem to like. Neither can canteen staff, they are working flat out. I would not take on this responsibility, it's impossible to achieve when you've so many children to manage. This is not preschool.

It will cause no end of stress for him to be hungry during the school day. School is tiring and he needs fuel. I say send a packed lunch and work on new foods at home.

You can't force a child to eat something that he doesn't like. Trying to do so will result in a miserable, anxious child.

haha thanks loving, but you couldn't be more wrong!!

I was a nanny when I was young and I had great success in getting the kids I looked after to eat literally everything, now 20 years on with my own kids, I can't get them to eat bugger all...they are late teens and still call veg "the yuks"....but I look at them and their fussiness and think, I must have done something right cos they are both strapping boys doing well at school and never a minute of trouble....

I am preparing waffles and popadoms for my food averse nearly 4 year old. He'll look at the veg curry and rice, we'll talk about what's in it.

One day, when he's ready, he'll try it (again, little time would eat that aged 1).

I will be sending him with packed lunches when he starts reception.

Op honestly listen to SSD it's true.

My kids would have been just like your ds and just not eat anything. And I mean anything.

He will end up more stressed and may even make his food issues far worse. And open a whole new worry over school.

Don't do it.

There's a Facebook group called Mealtime Hostage and a book about picky eaters which you may find helpful.

Dietitians know about nutrition, not child psychology; you might get better support from a paediatric occupational therapist.

I'd send lunchboxes; you want him to eat not develop school anxiety.

With my DD1, there are foods she says she likes, but then when you serve them to her she barely touches it for ages. The only veg she'll eat is corn on the cob cauliflower and baked beans; the only fruits are apples and grapes. She'll eat cucumber with a lot of persuasion.

She supposedly likes pizza but she mostly hardly touches it. She doesn't even like fish fingers. She likes pasta but with no sauce (dry pasta she calls it).

And she doesn't like jam!

But at times it has felt like she won't eat anything.

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice. I will take it all onboard.

SSD, I'm not saying that your approach is wrong, I'm not saying that mine is right. I'm at my wits on and I've come on here to ask for advice. I feel that the advice that you have given me is fair but could have been done without the 'I feel so sorry for your son' and the general bashing with a virtual stick. If I didn't feel shit enough about what's going on, congratulations, you have made sure I do now!

Perhaps I should go back to being a reader rather than a poster...

Letting him have a packed lunch is fine OP. School is a new, stressful environment at that age without the added stress of being told to eat things you don't like or want to.

My DS is very limited in his food choices - he's always had packed lunch, exactly the same every day. At home he now has 6 meals he will eat (7 nearly 8) which is a big improvement on what he used to eat.

Send a packed lunch with something in it he will eat and a small quantity of something new or even just presented differently (ham rolled up to snack on instead of in a sandwich, cheese grater instead of sliced) to introduce variety and different textures. Experiment,discuss and agree. Let him know how proud you are if he eats it.

Same at home.

Don't send him in to school dinners when you know he won't eat anything, until you resolve the issue at home. Agree with pp it's not the schools issue to resolve.

I had a similar problem with DS2 when he started his new preschool, only on Fridays. At his other preschool, he gets to take a packed lunch (they're not open on Fridays, hence needing a second preschool) but this new one supply all the food, making sure there are no allergens or contaminants that could cause problems. I had to fill in an extensive food list.
DS2 eats pretty well but he is fussy about some foods and doesn't like trying new ones (think Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes) so I gave it a try with him eating the provided food. I did that right up until the week I had to drag him across the carpark, sobbing that he didn't want to go, they made him eat yukky things and he hated it. So I had a word with the Director and said that he already has a good varied diet, I don't want him to start getting food issues by being forced to eat stuff he doesn't like, so could I bring him in a packed lunch. She wasn't happy (peer pressure used to get all children to eat the same lunch without whinging) but we agreed that he could have it, but he was to at least see if he wanted the hot meal first, and if not, then he could have his packed lunch. This has worked pretty well for us, he eats his packed lunch about 2/3 of the time but will sometimes have the lunch provided. Of course I still have to pay for it every week even if he doesn't eat it, but I'd rather do that than have him go without food all day.

The problem with a school set up is that they won't have this choice, I'm pretty sure - once you're on packed lunch, that's it, no more school dinner; and if you're having school dinner then no you can't take in a packed lunch. Bit of a shame really because that might have worked quite well for your DS too.

The upshot of my rigmarole is that I think you should let him take a packed lunch - it's one less stress in his day, and you can keep pushing his food boundaries at home.

Don't feel bad OP, school is a scary place for little ones. Packed lunches are fine, include some little bits of new things for him to try, if he is doesn't like them leave it ands try later on. Good luck X

I'd stick it out with the dinners for a while. Once u give packed lunches you won't get him off them. My dds eat pasta every day but meh - it's free!

ThumbWitchesAbroad, I always advise parents (or carers) to give fussy children or children with food issues to supply a back up packed lunch, that way if there is nothing on the menu that they want to to eat (and we supply 3 choices every day) then they still have something to eat.

That's great, Seeya - is that a general thing in all schools though, or are you just a lovely person?

Have very fussy DS and used to get him to have school dinner on Friday. Don't even do that now. I feel so much better reading this thread. People on MN are usually really intolerant of fussy eaters. Lots of comments about how their kids eat all sorts of stuff. This is a relief to read and see not all kids eat big dinners. Also that they grow out of it. Thanks all 😂

op, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. There was just something in your post about you and your dh V your son. And I felt for him. But again, I'm sorry.

I think that most schools would do that if you go and talk to the cook, no one wants a child to be upset and hungry.

ssd

It's funny isn't it. Your own kids are so more complicated.

I was a cm and all my mindees were brilliant eaters

This is a relief to read and see not all kids eat big dinners. Also that they grow out of it.

It's also good to remember that school is often a stressful environment, particularly for new reception children.

Our bodies naturally reject food when we are under stress. It is part of the fight or flight response which helps keep us safe in dangerous situations. This means that some children simply have no appetite in the middle of a busy, noisy dining hall surrounded by unfamiliar smells and foods. Adults need to accept this and give control to the children so that their appetite can return naturally and they don't feel negatively about school dinners because of being pressured to eat when they probably felt sick.

takeaway

Don't honestly feel bad. No one her thinks you are doing anything but trying your best.

As you can see we have all been in your shoes and it's bloody hard.

But you asked opinions.

Let him have a packed lunch, relax, he will get there.

Honestly

Ok, so apologies from someone who hasn't been here as a parent (yet) but the comment about control made me think of the work of Ellyn Satter. She's written a lot about children, families feeding and eating. Basically the idea is adults decide what to offer, kids decide how much to eat of it. For picky eaters she suggests no pressure tactics and offering things you know they will eat alongside new foods. This would probably be easier with a packed lunch for now. Her suggestion of letting the child pick and choose does put a degree of control back into the child and I think that's important. Everyone likes a degree of autonomy.

www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/htf/thepickyeater.php

Btw I was the opposite of a picky eater - the one and only time I had a food stand off was with school dinners and I got served tinned tomatoes. On their own with no herbs or garlic? I was very little (maybe 5 or 6?) but even I knew this was madness :) they said if I didn't eat it I couldn't have the equally unappealing bananas in custard. I sat there for a long time by myself. I did not eat it. I felt pretty vindicated :)

reetgood, times have changed, no forcing children to eat anything anymore... Not in my dining room!!

this thread has been good for me, too, converseandjeans, I've been feeling generally crap about my DD1's fussiness, this has helped me realise that I'm not alone.