AIBU to force my son to eat school dinners?

[TakeawayAgain]

Hi all, I apologise if this gets long.

Backstory, my DS (5) is a very fussy eater. Having started on home made Annabel Karmel recipes from weaning, he will now only eat Birdseye chicken fingers and potato waffles for dinner, cheese, strawberries, grapes, banana at a push. No other meats, no veg, no pasta. He will eat chocolate and haribo of course!

We met a child dietician 6 months ago and we have a follow up booked for 18th October but not much has improved in that time, he will now try a new food, albeit the tiniest little mouthful, without making himself throw up but will very quickly decide that he doesn't like and sticks firm with that decision.

He started Reception two weeks ago and we decided that we would try to encourage him to eat food available at school (not have a packed lunch as he did in pre school) and would review this at half term having got feedback from the school and the dietician. We thought that at 5 he is old enough to understand that there are lots of different foods out there to try and that he could try to do with new friends eating theirs. This hasn't gone particularly well but not poorly enough for me to consider packed lunches earlier than half term. However, due to a very early hospital appointment, my DM took my DS to school yesterday and when it came to choosing lunch, he threw himself on the floor and a proper tantrum (for info, he is not this kind of child and has never done this with me). The school have mentioned that they don't think he is eating enough during the day (although he is eating crackers at afternoon break so there are some carbs going in), he has breakfast before school everyday and then his delightful chicken and waffle in the evenings.

I feel that the school are going to try to push us into switching to packed lunches asap but DH and I feel that this would be giving into DS' fussy eating and letting him regain control. I feel trapped in the middle because DH feels very strongly about this and I suspect he will think I've given in if I start to make packed lunches. However, I don't know if the school are right instead.

Would I be unreasonable to ask the school to continue supporting our decision on this until half term when we will review the situation? Funnily enough we had a huge breakthrough this week when DS sat with DH and ate an impressive amount of plain pasta so perhaps that's making this decision harder as there is a glimmer of progress.

If you made it to this point, thank you for reading! AIBU and what would you do?

DH and I feel that this would be giving into DS' fussy eating and letting him regain control.

Your DS already has control. He gets to decide what goes into his mouth and that is as it should be.

If you want him to carry on with school dinners, make sure he has a snack for morning and afternoon break so he doesn't end up hungry and then let him get on with it.

Just please make sure that the school staff aren't putting pressure on him to eat. My DD2 became very resistant to eating when she started in reception because, no matter what I said, the lunchtime supervisors would not back off and allow her to eat the amount she wanted to eat. They kept pressurising her to eat more and, in the end, not a single mouthful was passing her lips.

The less emotionally invested you can be in what your DS eats, the better. Unless he is losing weight, your best approach is to make the food available and let him get on with it, whenever possible.

I hear you Fairylea

Yes full Christmas dinner and dd4 plain pasta with cheese!

Thing is ummm and sorry not having a go but if I had a pound for every 'helpful' comment fromfriends like,

Have you tried this recipie.. Er yes!!!

They will eat wen they are hungry? Er no they will starve or vomit!!!

Just all sit down at the table together? Er we do!!!

It's exhausting and was so much better when we just literally stopped trying and worrying about it and just relaxed and went with the flow.

Op please don't. It won't make it better and probably make him far more anxious.

Unless you have a child like this you have no idea how frustrating it is.

I've said this before on this type of thread, it's a long day at school to be hungry!! I'm a school cook and I find that the reception /P1 classes are totally overwhelmed by the whole school meals experience, different foods, lots of kids, sitting at a table and the noise!!! Perhaps try a packed lunch a couple of days every week, at least you know he's eating something on those days, a bit further down the line, when it's cold and wet he may decide to give school lunches a try.

Tatiana, that's an interesting thought.

DS's food issues started with a very bad stomach upset that (it turned out later) basically wiped his bowel smooth - so rather than having lots of little villi poking into it absorbing stuff, it was absolutely smooth.

Had toddler diarrhea for the next 2 years.

Would only eat very plain, beige foods from that point on - bananas not apples, pasta, bread - and retrospectively this is because other foods genuinely hurt him, but it came across as 'fussiness'.

It's why I referred to 'safe' foods above - both psychologically (he went through some nasty stuff between the ages of 4 and 6) and physically he chose food that he knew was 'safe'. A lot of the solutions were about him feeling that he always had control, that no-one was going to push him to go into a danger zone or any further from safety than he had been prepared for.

[So FIL cooked him steamed smoked haddock and green beans, and absolutely threw his toys out of the pram when DS wouldn't eat them. Think that might have been pretty much the last time FIL spoke directly to DS - he has avoided it for the last 13 or 14 years]

Absolutely Lovingmybear2.

My ds is similar but the school and I are taking the opposite approach.

Packed lunches are off the menu.

He chooses one of the three school lunch options in the morning. He eats as much (or little) as he eats. The lunchtime supervisors let him get on with it. For most children they encourage them to eat their main before their pud, but they don't apply this to ds.

And that's it.

We are hoping a growth spurt and peer pressure will widen his eating horizons!

but all that advice genuinely made a difference to my child's diet. it isn't always wrong. all families are different.

My ds is very fussy eater, and make the matters worse, he has multiple food allergies.
There was no way he would eat school dinners. So at first, I tried to put variety of foods in his packed lunches. He wouldn't eat it. He would starve himself. So, I just decided eating something is better than nothing.
If you have to choose between eating few bites of cucumber/corn/potatoes, and home made sandwich which your ds happily eats, I would just send packed lunch.
My ds takes same packed lunch everyday since reception, and he is yr5 now!

The tantrum might have more to do with exhaustion or the setting change more then food. Mine all fell to pieces in reception.

It's very positive that he's trying new things. I think as long as he's having a big breakfast and crackers at break time, it's fine to run with school lunches.

What percentile is he on? I wouldn't worry about weight unless he dropped off the chart completely.

That's a really good reminder cantkeep that it really can exhaust them braving a new food.

Rewards simply wouldn't work with my child. We have a very relaxed ongoing joke about her failure to ever try at banana. She has had it on fruit smoothies. But she just can't bring herself to eat it. I once offered her £20 if she swallowed one bite. We set up the table, bush tucker trial style challenge! It was very light hearted. £20 was a fortune to her - she was 6. She bit a piece off, sat with it in her mouth, could bring herself to swallow it, let it drop pitifully out... then we both burst out laughing. Nothing on earth is going to make that kid try banana! I fully expect her to turn round aged 16 and say "yeah, I've been having them for years at school"

I'd let him have his packed lunch and concentrate on introducing new food at home. School at his age might already be overwhelming as it is.

cantkeep

That's so interesting I wonder how commen that is?

One is nr grandsons was a great eater until he had a vile stomach upset that lasted two weeks, he has gone off lots of food since and it's been months now.

As I said I had food issues as did all my children and one of the grandchildren.

I thino serious food issues are far more commen than we think as parents are too embaressed to ask for help and not taken seriously enough when they do.

The dietitians we saw basically saw it as a discipline issue and it really isn't.

I remember the absolute horror of school dinners. I hated them and feel sick now thinking of them. I'm fussy, will admit that. But the smell of school dinners still makes me sick just thinking of it all.

Your poor wee boy. You and your dh see this as giving in to him. He's 5. Cuddle him and tell him you love him. He won't be so fussy when he grows up and if he is, so what.

Totally totally SSD

So bloody what! Food just isn't that important.

here's something for the dieticians to get their knickers in a tiwst over....

my ds is 16 and has had the same ham sandwich at lunchtime since starting school at 5

so in light of this thread, I just asked him if he'd like something different, he said no, they're nice, he likes ham...

and guess what, he's doing fine!

Hi again all. Thanks for all your messages. I understand that some may feel that I'm trying to get the school to solve a problem that I am not, but I assure you we are trying him on new foods regularly at home too.

I have been standing choosing his meal with him in the morning and have always helped him to pick something that has some element of something he will already eat, e.g. Jacket and cheese. I have made it very clear to the school that I would like them to encourage him to try it but that if he says he doesn't like it, that's fine. I have absolutely not asked them to force him to eat it.

Before the tantrum yesterday morning, I discussed the idea of a reward chart being used at lunchtimes and they said they were very happy to do this. I was thinking perhaps one sticker for trying something, 2 stickers for eating a fair amount of it (no pressure to eat all of it, I am not a wicked mother).

He is tall for his age, 90th centile. I don't know his weight right but I would certainly say falls within a healthy range, he is not thin.

Mixed responses from you lovely mumsnetters. I will be going back to dropping him off and picking him up from Monday so perhaps will ask for a proper chat with them about all this. We have been given a copy of the rotating menu so I could perhaps try to introduce some of those foods at home and maybe agree with him on a Sunday which days he could try a meal at school and which days I will make him packed lunch.

To posters saying that they remember how awful school meals were, I agree with you, mine were not the best, but I do honestly think that school dinners have improved greatly since 20 years ago!

This whole parenting thing is certainly no walk in the park!!

And to SSD, I do cuddle him and tell him that I love him daily, I praise him not just for managing to eat one piece of sweetcorn but for remembering his manners, for being kind to his brother, for sharing his toys, for learning his numbers and for a thousand other things.

I just want the best for him and it's not always easy to see what that is, especially when you are getting conflicting advice from all directions.

SSD my colleague's dad's workmate had a cheese and cucumber sandwich every working day for 40+ years!

op, seriously, step back and look at your post

if you were asked to choose your meal at lunchtime in the morning, would you be happy? and he is 5, school is daunting enough without being asked to choose his meal at what, 8.30am??

and I'm sorry, school dinner ladies and teachers are too busy to worry if your little boy has had eff all for lunch if he refuses to eat, so dont think they will spend time encouraging him day after day, they haven't got the time to do that

and I won't even tell you what I think of stickers and reward charts

I know I'm someone online who you can ignore if you want, but please, stop doing this to your son

love him, cuddle him, send him off to school with a packed lunch, let him deal with school in his own way, knowing his mum and dad are behind him, loving him and letting him know how proud they are of their big boy

parenting is bloody hard and you are making it harder for you all, there will be fights to fight in the years ahead, some worse than you can imagine, but setting the wheels in motion for an unhappy boy is about the worst thing you can do...and that's not you giving in, it's you loving him, he knows there are boundaries but if a packed lunch makes him happy and settled in his first year of school let it be

For christ sake send a packed lunch. It is highly unfair on both your son and the school to keep doing this.

My dd will starve rather than eat anything she deems unworthy. She lives on dairy free pizza, jam sandwiches and chicken nuggets. The odd bit of dairy free cheese spread and bread sticks. There is no way I would out her or the school through the trauma of dinners.

takeaway, I know you are doing your best, my boys are teens now and trust me when I say, they change as they are growing, what he eats at 5 won't be what he eats at 15 (unless its lunchtime and my son....), dont make this an issue for you all

I agree with ssd.

My son also has the same packed lunch every single day and has done for the past 3 years (at nursery and now school)- brown bread cheese sandwich, kit Kat, bacon crisps and a banana. Every. Single. Day.

I don't have solutions for you OP but I think what's important at school is that a child has enough nutrition during school to ensure they have energy to learn and play, so in your position I would (and did and still do) give a packed lunch that will definitely be eaten.

I gradually managed to get my dc's list of acceptable foods up a little with tactics like shaping a new food into the letters of their name, giving a sticker for tasting a new food. I can't claim huge success but we got to the point of having 3 different evening meals we can cycle through. has the same packed lunch every day (now in y4)

SSD

I wish to god I had you and mumsnet when I was at my wits end all those years ago

And yes dd, lasagna or pasta for dinner last few weeks. She's 18, slim and healthy.

Pasta has to be plain with cheese mixed in, no sauce.

Who cares.

And yes they change. My oldest was the worst of my eaters and he's 6 foot 2 aged 28 and eats bloody anything.