Just had my first judgemental comment about 4 kids.

[streetface]

And I haven't even got 4 kids yet!

AIBU to think I'm just going to have to deal with people looking down their noses at me for having 4 children?

My first 3 children were carefully planned. I thought we were done. Had depo injection and husband due for snip in Jan. I have posted about this previously. I have been receiving treatment for heavy periods since April and had lost over a stone in weight.

Turns out it wasn't a period but a pregnancy complication that causes massive bleeds (subchoronic heamatoma) I found out I was pregnant nearly 5 months in when I began to show and I was finally given a scan.

Shocked is an understatement. One of my biggest fears is the horrible reactions and judgements from other people. I can't change the outcome now. Already I have received a pompous comment when discussing an unrelated issue and mentioned about being busy.

"Well I would be busy too if I had CHOSEN to have 4 children"

I don't even have four yet. Is this my life now?

Lashes I want to be where you are mentally! Sounds great.

I remember being where you are street and I promise you will feel differently when the little one is here. Peoples comments would stick on me mainly because I was worried how I would cope. Passive aggressive type comments that would feed off my concerns.

The concern about individual attention becomes a realisation that the attention we give each other as a family is more important. It's something that smaller families don't experience and don't understand. Smile and nod. And know that this anxiety will pass and then things get easier.

I've got four.
Sometimes people pass comments or stare but I've also had some lovely things said.

My last two are very close together (13 months apart I found out I was pregnant when no3 was 14 weeks but that's a whole other story!!) when number4 was a few weeks old we took them all out for tea at pizza express so there was 9yo,3 yo,1yo and newborn.
A woman at the next table kept staring and at one point was talking to her friend obviously about us. I got really paranoid and a bit huffy thinking she was judging. Anyway at the end of her meal she came over and said to me " I just wanting to tell you what a lovely family you have and you look like you are doing a fantastic job"

I could have cried she was so lovely.

I've also had the "have you not got a TV" comments.
I just say "yes we watch a lot of porn"

I've not read full thread. Just wanted to say I've got 2 and my youngest will be 2 in December. My dh works and I'm now looking to get back into work as well as being a sahm is just not for me so if I had a third now I would be devastated because I do want my life back now get back to work etc 2 is a good number for us. However saying that if an accident was ever to happen we would make it work.

And in all fairness I couldn't give a shit what other people think it's your family and your decisions. Nobody else has a say. Even if they do doesn't mean you have to listen to it. You're in shock, I would be too but hope is not lost

Congratulations! Takes a bit of getting your head around. We wanted a third but they came along a bit earlier than planned and I felt judged - breast feeding one while waiting for 20wk scan etc.

Fwiw, my auntie had the age gaps you have and has always regretted NOT having a fourth so the younger one had more company in the way the older two did.

I had an unexpected fourth earlier this year. Poor DH had wanted to stick at two, agreed to a third and was happy that he did, then two years later along came our little accident. We were being so careful too! The irony of it is that before we had kids we had three years of unexplained infertility so to then get pregnant while deliberately trying not to get pregnant...

DH was happy from the get go, shocked, but happy. I took a bit longer, I had HG and I had comments from people along the lines of "why!?/on purpose!?/did you mean to!? But seriously, why!?" which made me feel even more shitty. We had a rough ride from 36wks onwards with various issues and i felt horrible for my other DC as I was in and out of hospital, including two separate middle of the night rush jobs postnatally, so I felt like I was abandoning them. At one point I thought I was going to die, made my peace with it, and then didn't die so felt guilty that I'd accepted the fact of leaving them, maybe I didn't love then enough, and so on. Hormones and stress have a lot to answer for.

Please speak to your GP, they won't judge you but they can help you, also your MW should be able to help you access antenatal mental health support services.

DC4 is 7mo now and she is an absolute joy, she's such an easy baby even when she's being a pickle and most of it is down to experience. I finally know what I'm doing in the baby stage now that I've practiced it a few times! The first couple of months were all higgledy piggledy but that's always the case with a newborn. Now that she's settled she's slotted right in, she had no choice really as the older DC are already established in a routine of nursery/school and clubs/activities but it's meant that she's fallen into a routine without me actually having to instigate anything. I can't picture life without her and our family definitely feels complete now. Its not all sunshine and roses, we have our rough days and the days where everything seems to go wrong at once or everyone is grumpy for no reason, and we have to be mindful and making sure that everyone gets some one to one attention (we have staggered bedtimes to help with this and we organised their clubs/activities around being able to spend time with the one(s) not at clubs/activities) but I wouldn't change it.

I have had some rude comments. I had a lady at the supermarket ask me if they all had the same dad because usually when you see bigger families like that its because the mother has had a new baby every time she's gotten into a relationship with a new bloke . I've also been presumed to be a childminder and that they're minded children (best bit is, I actually am a childminder! I had no minded children with me that day though). I get the usual oh-so-hilarious comments about how we mustn't have a TV and that contraception is free nowadays and am I trying to get my own football team. I've had people say I "must" have a fifth now as once you've got four, you may as well have five. I've also had people tell me I "must" stop now as I've got two of each and it's enough. It's the "must" that pisses me off. I've been asked if I got pregnant deliberately to try and keep DH because, as we all know, the sure fire way to keep a man is to pop out a baby. I've been asked where does all my money go, the implication being that we must be skint with so many kids, and I always respond with "the children are either eating it or wearing it". And the perennial favourite, never meant as a compliment, "gosh you've got your hands full!" always said in a way that implies you're doing a shit job at managing them. I respond to that one with a huge grin and "yeah? Well if you think my hands are full you should see my heart!"

People don't seem to realise how rude they're being or they do realise and they just don't care. The best way is to either disarm them with a return comment that doesn't allow for further discussion or to ignore them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

It's the 'do they all have the same dad?' Comments which fuck me off.

Bloody hell Bear bless you that's a tough time you've been through and as for the comments ...

Your post struck a cord because similarly we struggled with fertility for the third, having suffered an ectopic and the loss of a Fallopian tube as a result. I feel terribly guilty having tried for our youngest only to feel so wrought about falling accidentally with this one.

The fact that so many posters who have been in similar situations appear to feel better, not worse, once their babies have arrived and have managed to make it work really does give me something to hang on to.

The come backs are brilliant too.

"My mum (who had 2 children) thinks we've been socially conditioned in recent years to see having 2 as the ideal."

I think that is so true (although my mum only wanted 1 boy and 1 girl, and got my DB and me), to the extent that we agreed for DH to have the snip after DD2, but it never felt right, so he had a VR and I went onto have DD3. I would happily have had a 4th if Nature had allowed it, but DD3 was our last and now I'm 47 and well into menopause. But really, 4 children is nothing - you will be just a great a mother to 4 children as to 3.

We have five children and I am currently pregnant with twins.

The first five were carefully planned. The twins, an unexpected, but delightful surprise. I love having a big family. I was an only child and always longed to have siblings.

My family is my whole life, my pride and joy. I am pleased to say no one has made any snide comments, or if they have I didn't notice or care.

My husband and I love to be out with our children. They are beautiful, talented and have impeccable manners. I am occasionally accused of being overly proud, but in my view, that is not a fault.

As long as you are a fit and proper parent and you and your husband have the resource and capability to raise a large family, you should have as many children as you want.

Plus there's something about the last baby where you know for sure it's absolutely your last, I don't know what it is but there's a certain relaxed feeling that comes with it. I have no worries about DD getting to the next stage or getting her weaned or potty trained or any of that stuff. I'm very much of the attitude that it'll all come in it's own time. Maybe because I know each stage is the last time I'll do that particular thing? Either way it's quite a pleasant feeling.

You get comments. They probably affect you more because you are pregnant. A few comments have annoyed me in the past, when I was pregnant with number 4 and at toddler groups with number 3, both boys, I would get the whole "are you going to try for a girl after this one?" assumptions and I have had the "don`t you guys have TV?" comment too, which is just stupid. The "Do they all have the same dad?" is a special kind of nosy nastiness.
You do get used to the fact that when you have more than 3 your business and private life are up for public scrutiny by people that lack social skills. The great thing about having 4 kids is, you become as quick witted as your kids so you are always one step ahead and so dealing with other people becomes a doddle . Also as your children get older, people comment less, so no, it's not your life now.

My 3rd was unplanned, my marriage was awful, for a split second I thought about a termination but knew it wasn't for me, took me the whole pregnancy to come to terms with it. He's grown up now, and such a special person, I brought him up on my own since he was 2, has been hard for him, a father who is totally uninterested in him, has knocked his self esteem and confidence so much and hes overcome so much and is just such a lovely person (his dad's loss) I feel like he's the greatest thing I've ever done. I love and am proud of all 3 of them but he is special, definitely meant to be

I have four, and the fourth (technically the 5th since number 3 was stillborn after a prolapsed cord) was a huge surprise. I'd had to have fertility treatment for all of the others so I had no reason at all to suppose that an accidental pregnancy could happen.
When I took the test (after missing a few periods, can't remember exactly how many) I laughed. Then I cried for about 3 weeks.
I had a lot of really dickish comments, mostly about trying for a girl to replace the one who had died. I did once ask one of the people who said this to go home and have a think about why I was thinking she was a bitch, but otherwise mostly ignored. For the ones who made comments about being mad to want yet another one, I said "Yeah, I know. We thought we'd worked out what was causing it, but obviously we got it wrong. Do you know, because we're stumped?". I actually said that to my very disapproving doctor and she believed me!
I did have a fairly dramatic pregnancy/delivery, but my last baby was sooo easy. His brothers adore him and it all somehow just worked. I was also old enough to have no patience at all with pleasing other people, so I did everything the way I wanted and that was very freeing.
You will have to climb Laundry Mountain of course, but I'm sure that was the case with three as well. The only massive downside was having to buy a new car to fit enough car seats in. That stung!

Whether we have no children or nine children, someone will have something to say about it. Usually another woman. Try to remember that if you have the time to pass judgement over such trivial things, you can't be living a particularly fulfilling life.

Zippycame I am so so sorry for your loss. I am actually stunned that somebody made that comment. It puts things into perspective. No matter what comments I receive I can't imagine any of them being more offensive that that.

My god there really are some vile people out there.

In real life I don't know anyone who thinks like this.

Oh my goodness, Zippy, the Laundry Mountain it is amazing and a little scary how much extra laundry is created by such a small additional person. I haven't seen the bottom of my laundry basket in around six months. I do a minimum of one wash a day Monday to Saturday then on a Sunday all the clean stuff gets sorted, folded, and sent up to their rooms for them to put away and it all starts over again. Invest in the biggest washing machine and tumble drier you have space for, it'll make it easier. I upgraded our drier to an 8kg one and the washing machine is 6kg but looking at getting an 8kg one once we move house, don't want to buy it only to find it won't fit!

We already have a 10kg one for 3 and put it on twice a day. We also have 2 laundry baskets and if we didn't do two loads a day we would need double that. We also have a room literally dedicated to piles of clean washing ready to take up to put away. This is now going to have to be made into an extra bedroom so goodness knows where the washing is going to go.

I get the 'you should have bought a telly' comment all the time! I just ignore! It doesn't matter how many children you have as long as your happy about it and can cope with them. It's nobody else's business but yours

Welcome to an absolutely fantastic club, OP! Having 4 is brilliant and, although there will be a some tough times, it's worth it. Definitely get help with any anxiety now rather than putting it off. I found 4 easier than 3 as you have to just be more organized in order to not get overwhelmed. I was quite surprised how making myself a loose schedule made my life so much easier instead of always trying to wing it.

I've never once received a negative comment in person so I'm sorry this woman has upset you so much. Most reactions over the years have been overwhelmingly positive. The odd one that was probably a bit close to the bone said a lot more about the person commenting than it did about me.

Good luck and enjoy the ride!

I have a genetic condition that I passed on the my children.

However, it was not known that I had this condition until my youngest was diagnosed, and then I was biopsied. I had always had odd but nonspecific issues, but my children were more severely affected.

I have been accused of being selfish having children that I knew were going to be "defective". I get questioned about the age gap between my DCs (7 years, their sister in the middle passed away).

I still haven't nailed the right way to respond.

If people tried to interrogate me as to why I had so many children I would be inclined to reply in a hushed voice 'I just LOVE the cock and y'know, sometimes babies are the result of this' head tilt, tinkly laugh.

barefoof

Someone once tried the "don't you have a TV?" line on DH and he replied with "yeah we have one, but we shag while we're watching it..."

The thread that keeps on giving. Really starting to imagine myself giving some of these replies.