Just had my first judgemental comment about 4 kids.

[streetface]

And I haven't even got 4 kids yet!

AIBU to think I'm just going to have to deal with people looking down their noses at me for having 4 children?

My first 3 children were carefully planned. I thought we were done. Had depo injection and husband due for snip in Jan. I have posted about this previously. I have been receiving treatment for heavy periods since April and had lost over a stone in weight.

Turns out it wasn't a period but a pregnancy complication that causes massive bleeds (subchoronic heamatoma) I found out I was pregnant nearly 5 months in when I began to show and I was finally given a scan.

Shocked is an understatement. One of my biggest fears is the horrible reactions and judgements from other people. I can't change the outcome now. Already I have received a pompous comment when discussing an unrelated issue and mentioned about being busy.

"Well I would be busy too if I had CHOSEN to have 4 children"

I don't even have four yet. Is this my life now?

To be honest, if I were you, I'd go speak to the doc about the way you are feeling.

Part of it will be grief for the life you thought you were going to have (3 kids, all done and dusted, got through the baby phase, coasting from now on) and dreading the effective "reboot" of the baby stage - Groundhog day... On top of that you have had a comment

"Well I would be busy too if I had CHOSEN to have 4 children" - something that - to be fair - someone could say in all innocence. My mum had 4 and was always known for being "too busy" (she didn't choose 4 either), but she muddled along...

But parts of your postings are saying that you are having big issues with the thought of having another, and the effects that that will have on you - people do not generally dread future comments before an event has even happened. Please go see someone.

I have four very close in age. They are now adults but when they were younger I literally can't remember any negative comments. I had people saying 'wow, are they all yours' as though I'd done something clever and they were impressed rather than as a negative thing.

I can't believe some of the nasty comments some people have received. I suppose it would be irresponsible to chose to have more kids than you could afford or come with but not every pregnancy is planned.

Hugs4 I think attitudes have changed. I don't think it was frowned upon years ago. With benefits bashing, concerns about the enviornment and a squeeze on public services I think the mood has shifted, regardless of the actual situation.

I've never had comments - except one (in a mo). In my circle most women are professionals and waited until their late 30s-40s to start a family and so most comments were along the lines of 'oh I always wished I started younger and I could have had more. We have 5, but I started when I was 22, so there's a big age range. Anyway...when I was pregnant with my fifth a pompous asshole at a Christmas party did ask if I knew how to use birth control. She is American and for a few minutes I just put it down to a cultural difference for it to be ok to be so rude. Then I thought, no hang on, I lived in the US, I know lots of Americans, they wouldn't be so rude. No excuse.

In my experience people have been jealous. I am very fortunate, I have a career and I have a rich life outwith my mothering, but when you have five kids often people define you as being a 'career mother', like you are incapable of anything else. That's a danger.The thing is when you have had number four, when they are here, you will realise that they complete your family and all will be well. Just tell people that you always wanted four kids (even if not true) and that you are incredibly lucky to have the family that you have chosen to have, many are not so fortunate.

Or if they are really rude, like Dumbass above, just tell them to fuck off.

Streetface I think you're right. Attitudes have changed since the 90s.

You need to toughen up. .
I have 11 and it goes over my head now.
"Have you not got a telly"? Is the most common. .
Unless you rely on people for childcare it's naff all to do with anyone. .

I work full time so no doubt I will have the 'why bother having kids if you leave them with someone else to bring up?' comments.

If I stayed at home that would be judged harshly too.

No doubt my husband (not his fault) but won't face any of this shit, just a congratulatory backslap about his virility.

The worst thing is, reading through the comments is that the majority of nasty comments come from other women. That's just depressing.

My youngest is only 20? Surely it's not that long ago Have times really changed that much in 20 years? Benefits bashing is not a new thing.

My grandmother had 12.12! Just think of that. You're a slacker by comparison!

I had 4. The middle two weren't planned, well not by me anyway . Like a pp said, I found out what was causing it and put a stop to all that. Later on I felt I would really like to get a last one in before turning 40, so we did. By then the older ones were able to be very helpful in bringing up the baby (provided they stopped fighting each other long enough) but I must admit it was quite hard to go back to the baby phase when I was used to children you could talk to and who were reasonably self-caring. It was madness for a few years, but there were such lovely moments too, and it all bore fruit as they got older. I think they're more support to me than I am to them nowadays, even just by existing. There are four fabulous human beings who only exist because I made them! (Well, XH helped too, to be fair. He did get some things right.)

You're new to receiving judgy comments! You're so lucky.

If you're single or end up single, people will insinuate vaguely through digs that your every-gram-as-much-loved children wouldn't be here if you weren't so weak/reckless/selfish/stupid/chaotic. Children are a privilege only the wealthy, educated and smugly happily married forever are entitled to! In the eyes of some people!!!

Try having an only child!! DS can't so much as fart without the "typical only child" comments starting up. Friendly and outgoing? Oh he's overcompensating for no siblings. Quiet and spending a bit of time alone? Oh he's self-centred and can't share...etc etc. Pisses me off no end. My friend's the worst for this, and she has 3. I'd love to see her face if I casually banged on about her " typically spoilt youngest child" or "typical neglected middle child".

My mum has 7!! I'm the oldest and the youngest is two years younger than my DS!

She rarely gets rude comments....most people say how polite we are and stuff.

I do remember one person asking me at sixth form if we were a gypsy family on benefits. cheeky fucker

Jesus some of these comments you have received are just

"Oh no, we didn't choose. We were trying to stick to anal until Jeff has the snip but he slipped and well... here we. Four kids."

That should do it ;-)

Sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. counselling sounds like a good idea.

As for your kids and love, I'm one of four, and it was and is great. My dad, who was a single parent after our mother died while we were all still very young, used to joke and say it was as easy raise four as three. Plenty of love to go around and the best thing was that I always felt like I had a crew. No matter what happened, together my siblings and I could take on the world. Now we're all adults and such good friends. And like a pp said, have us and our partners in one room and you are already on the way to a party.

In an ideal world, I'd have four kids too. But I have no where to fit them!

I've got 4. People are really judgmental. And often slightly envious I think. It's a slog though but highly rewarding. Every day is like a play date in my house!!

Unfortunately it seems like having a big family these days is seen as something for the very rich or the very poor. I'm somewhere in the middle and I think it's seen as a bit unusual.

Chin up, it's your family and as long as you can look after them all will be fine!!

Oh Tablemirrror that's brilliant! I did a bit of a snort laugh reading that.

Thanks burning but that's the problem, I'm frightened I can't look after them! We have the room and like you, somewhere in the middle. It's not like they will go without material things they need but emotionally, mentally and physically, I just can't see how I'll manage. I hope my children feel the same as you did growing up.

You have my sympathies and I agree with everyone else re the counselling. But, for the majority of these cases, it turns out well and the parent wouldn't turn the clock back.

I thought it was a catastrophe when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd. I don't know who her father is. I was in a terrible place with mental illness and stress and had a paralytic one night stand I can't even remember. I was so desperately ashamed and didn't know how to admit that I was pregnant. My then youngest was 6 and I never intended to have children in the first place. I felt like the baby stage was just ending and I was getting some freedom back. The pregnancy brought all that crashing back to square one and, if I wasn't vehemently against abortion (personally) then I would absolutely have terminated. I didn't know where to turn.

This desperately unwanted third child is 3 now and I wouldn't be without her for the world. My older girls dote on her and she has completed my house perfectly.

I also know some families of 4 and haven't heard of them getting many negative comments at all. I even know one lady who has 8 children! There might be some negativity and I personally can't imagine how she copes but she seems to have been cut out for the challenge!

I have 4 and I really haven't come across that much negativity.

I've had back handed "compliments" such as "wow, it doesn't look like 4 kids live here" because I keep my house tidy. And of course it isn't a shit tip when they're at school

Mostly people are just impressed that I'm not a dribbling wreck in the corner and actually manage to hold it together most of the time

Gosh we have 4 although last 2 were twins.

People just called us brave. Didn't have any negative comments

I saw that comment, she just pulled this comment about 4 kids out of the blue, it was very rude! Don't worry op I work so have to rush my one child in the morning , presumably 'some people' would say I chose to work and have a child and that makes me a shit parent

I have 4 and love it. Our youngest is doted on by her elder siblings and is amazing. We're a little big gang and couldn't give a flying fuck what people think! I do remember feeling anxious while pregnant but I think that's hormones and feeling vulnerable and tired. It's hard work but so much fun and so much love. Good luck!!

lol I used to get a lot of 'don't you have a TV?' comments lol with the 6 of them around me. They were just 'aren't I funny' people though. never really bothered me.

Thanks timeisnotaline! I'm so glad you saw that, I know I'm not in a good place right now but I'm not mad (yet) and can tell a barbed comment when I see one. Yup, me too work wise. I will have to return to work a lot sooner than previous children and know I'll get the same 'bad mum for working' sentiments thought about me, even if nobody's brave enough to say it to my face.