Just had my first judgemental comment about 4 kids.

[streetface]

And I haven't even got 4 kids yet!

AIBU to think I'm just going to have to deal with people looking down their noses at me for having 4 children?

My first 3 children were carefully planned. I thought we were done. Had depo injection and husband due for snip in Jan. I have posted about this previously. I have been receiving treatment for heavy periods since April and had lost over a stone in weight.

Turns out it wasn't a period but a pregnancy complication that causes massive bleeds (subchoronic heamatoma) I found out I was pregnant nearly 5 months in when I began to show and I was finally given a scan.

Shocked is an understatement. One of my biggest fears is the horrible reactions and judgements from other people. I can't change the outcome now. Already I have received a pompous comment when discussing an unrelated issue and mentioned about being busy.

"Well I would be busy too if I had CHOSEN to have 4 children"

I don't even have four yet. Is this my life now?

BrandNew I don't feel I am good enough to be a mother of four. I feel I will be stretching myself too thinly. I think my other children will suffer. I'm angry at myself that I didn't realise. It's nothing to do with not being able to love another baby or wishing it away now it's here but just that I care enough that I don't want to be a shit parent. I reached my limit at 3. Negative comments and judgements are going to hurt because I feel so awful about the whole situation and can't deal with the venom on top. I'm just not strong enough.

thanks Jiggly, that made me smile through my tears.

Try having six.....
I get "You dont look like you've had six kids!" which, it turns out, means that they expect me to be enormously fat, ungroomed and looking much older than I am. Oh and people tend to be very surprised when they find out that the kids are doing extremely well academically (they invariably ask, probably trying to find a reason to prove my irresponsibility) with 3 of them in the G&T program.

Ime most people are surprised but not nasty or rude on purpose so I tend to just ignore it. And if I had a pound for every "hilarious" person who asked me "Havent you got have a telly?" I would be a very rich woman....YAWN....
I am also on the G&T program btw, but a slightly different one to the kids

I should add that I felt like this when #5 was on his way. I found out earlier than you and considered termination, it was a horrible time. As it was, he was the worlds easiest baby, far easier than his next older sister (who slept through 2 weeks after he did! He was 6 weeks old, she was 14 months!) I dont regret having him at all and I did think that our family was going to fall apart, but it didnt. I was just so unprepared for being pg again that I catastropised the whole thing to the point where I couldnt see a single positive thing about having another baby. But I was wrong.

#Gnu

WWGWD?

11, 9 & 2 BrandNew. Saying that to myself doesn't feel believable right now. I have taken on board the comments and have Googled pregnancy counselling. I've realised I don't have to go through my GP or tell anyone and can make an appointment for counselling directly. I am going to do that Monday. I've had some great suggestions for come backs here but need to find my strength first.

Oh Pyangyong thank you so much for sharing that! I sincerely hope my baby is easy and that I'm just catastrophising. I hate the uncertainty.

I did really think that it was the worst thing in the whole world. I didnt terminate because my husband was thrilled to be having another and I couldnt do it to him. I did come to peace with having him when I was about 7 months ish. The fact that he was coming regardless so stuff needed sorting, organising etc gave me back a little of the control. Sorting the birth plan, car seats and all that, it made me feel like I had more say in what was happening and it did help.

WWGWD stands for What Would Granny Weatherwax Do?.....sounds sill bu it helps in dark times :)

Move to where I live- I am surrounded by mormon families and 4 is like 2 kids to them- 5 or 6 kids not unusual. Sod people's reactions- none of their business and congratulations.

Fogg,

"I have four and can completely sympathise with you on the dickish comments! Don't you have a tv? ..... Are you mental? OMG ... You actually planned them? I bet you're on benefits, aren't you? Gawd, you must be coining it in!!
I actually had one delightful woman say she'd have drowned them at birth if she'd have had that many."

Bloody Hell, some people seriously take being awful to a whole new level.

BTW, these retorts may come in handy for some of you: the secret lies in maintaining a deadly serious expression whilst using them, which (hopefully) unnerves people into shutting up:

Rude person: "Surely you've got enough kids now?!"
You: "We plan to keep having them until we get our own reality show."

Rude person: "How many MORE kids are you going to produce?!"
You: "Well, there’s still one available seat left in our minibus, so..."

OP,
Wishing you and your family well, and that the counselling helps. And congratulations on your forthcoming surprise addition.

My mum had four - several of us were surprises, so I do wonder if she knew how our TV worked

She was actually too embarrassed to tell anyone she was pregnant with my youngest sibling for 6 months because of all the comments she'd get.

She did get a lot of comments, but so what? The type if people saying it were the nasty sorted that would have said something bitchy anyway whatever. A lot of it sprung from jealousy - loads of people would love to have 4 or more children (my dad wanted 8 of us) but circumstances won't always allow.

We'd get questions all the time about how we could afford to have 4 children, how could they possibly love us all the same, how could they put us through uni etc. but that's no one's business but your own and quite frankly, stupid questions.

I adored being one of four. Even now, we only need to bring out our partners + one friend each and we've got a raucous party!

4 children would be my absolute ideal, but sadly, I've started a bit late so will be lucky if I manage 2.

Also, all my aunties have 5+ kids each (one has 11!) so, they must get even worse comments.

And you won't stretch yourself too thinly - as corny as this sounds, love is infinite. Plus, the older ones will be there for the younger ones too.

Being one of four means always having a shoulder to cry on and hugs on tap!

It was actually better at four than three, for us, because even numbers meant no one was left out.

Well, basically you don't need to allow this to affect you. You can just ignore those type of comments.

"I feel like ending it all but couldn't be that selfish to my lovely children who I am so close to. I feel like our loving, close knit family is about to be destroyed because of a fuck up and there is nothing I can do."

Please speak to a counsellor about these feelings, you may be experiencing some perfectly normal and understandable depression based around your experience.

I think it is best to ignore any negative comments, as I try to! Enjoy your new baby. And also, maybe, you need to blot out these comments and focus on your own fears and how to be as prepared as you can be for your new baby.

I mean you don't need to allow the comments to affect you. But i can see it is about more than the comments. Please get some help, honestly I am sure you will be fine. You may need to do things a bit differently, get the older ones to help more. Does your dh help a lot/a little?

I found going from 3 to 4 the easiest transition. You are so used to managing a group by then it doesnt make that much of a difference. My oldest two are 6 yrs ish older than my younger two and they really enjoyed having a baby in the house. They were old enough to really get it, remember it and be helpful. They now are teenage boys and surprise everyone with how gentle and patient they are with little kids. It must be a shock to find out you are having a new one so unexpectedly, but if you are (as I suspect) already a brilliant Mum, that isnt going to change. I think that a lot of the judgy comments are actually jealousy and being busy with 4 makes it quite easy to ignore as there is always an excuse to break off a conversation or rush off.

I agree that the comment was pointed as it's saying "you brought it on yourself." Even if you had chosen to have four you are still allowed to have a moan about being too busy. At least you know the person is bitchy and to be avoided now.

Your baby is on his or her way now, and honestly, you WILL be fine - you will manage and cope and have enough love to go around.
I have five DCs, although there is a big gap between 1 and 2 and 3, 4, and 5.
I got some comments in the school playground when I was dropping one to reception, one to nursery, and had one in the pram - one I particularly remember is someone who was desperately trying to get a rise out of me saying something snotty about "oo are you off home to choose the name of the next kid then?" and I just looked her straight in the eye and said "nope, we finally found out what was causing them and stopped"
I had an answer for every comment anyone could possibly make - "have you not got a tv" was a favourite
I do have a fairly thick skin, and am not one to let petty shit get to me, and "they" don't pay my rent or put food on my table so "they" can get to fuck
Enjoy your new addition and ignore, ignore, ignore. You WILL be fine, honestly!

Sounds to me like you received a severe shock when you found out you were pregnant this time, and that shock hasn't worked its way out yet. So I second the suggestion to find a counsellor, because I think you need one. Go to your GP and discuss exactly how you're feeling, including the idea that they'd all be better off without you - it may be what is needed to gain you access to appropriate help.

As an aside - you CAN do this, because it won't be much different to what you've already been doing, and you've done fine so far.

Ignore the moaners and carry-onners - they're not the ones who matter in life.

Op I just went through something almost exactly the and felt how you do.
Im now out on the other and baby is 8 weeks old now. I ended up having a complete anxious breakdown when she aas 2 weeks old and am now in therapy and on medocation.

I wish every day i had fully addressed the issue sooner and i may have felt better quicker.
I categorically did not want the baby while pregnant unexpectedly. I would wander the streets crying and considering a way out of life because i knew i wouldnt cope.
Dp told the whole world soon as we found out so although not the same as finding out too late for termination, i did feel that i also had no choice as he had announced the 'happy news'
My goodness am i madly in love with her now. She truly is a perfect perfect baby who has fit in like she has always been here. I fell madly in love with her probably more than i did after the birth the others.
Im now 6 weeks into my tablets and life is getting better with each day
I really hope you listen to what ive said save yourself from the heartache i went through.
If you want to talk or know more just inbox me.

I think it's jealousy by some; I would have loved a big family but it was really unlikely to happen, ( polycystic ovaries), I've never passed comment to others though because it's none of my business. And I think you need to ask people why they think it is theirs.

I really struggled to feel positive about being pg with my 4th DC but you will find that your other children help out and then new baby just has to fit around everyone else. The older two lwill need you in a different way soon (less physically more emotionally). My eldest DC is 10 years older than my youngest and they have a great relationship. In fact all the kids have a good relationship with my youngest. I hope the counselling helps. I've started counselling about something different recently and feel it's been brilliant. Also I've told my children about my counselling as i wanted them to know that being open to their emotions and finding support when they need it, is a good thing. Not saying you should but well done for reaching out for help. Good luck!

People like to flap their gobs without any particular thought to what they are saying. I'm fairly sure that 99% of the time they would be horrified to know they had actually hurt someone's feelings.

I also think that when you are already depressed and anxious and having negative feelings, there is a tendency to analyse what other people say. At this stage, anything would leave you feeling judged because you are harshly judging yourself, which you really shouldn't. It's an unexpected pregancy, not a terrible crime you've committed.

I think that there should be a law that the only thing anyone is allowed to say to a pregnant woman is "congratulations".

4 is a nice round number though . Sorry you feel the way you do at the moment , it must be hard when you discover so far along in a pregnancy , especially if you have planned previous children . Try not to give two hoots about what other people think or say , judgement is often driven by jealousy , ignorance or arrogance .

Try having pertinent residence of your DC as a father with DH does.

He has had comments such as 'well you must have paid of their DM to get residency' and 'did you force their DM to give them to you'

Just ignore them they aren't worth the brainvspace.