Just had my first judgemental comment about 4 kids.

[streetface]

And I haven't even got 4 kids yet!

AIBU to think I'm just going to have to deal with people looking down their noses at me for having 4 children?

My first 3 children were carefully planned. I thought we were done. Had depo injection and husband due for snip in Jan. I have posted about this previously. I have been receiving treatment for heavy periods since April and had lost over a stone in weight.

Turns out it wasn't a period but a pregnancy complication that causes massive bleeds (subchoronic heamatoma) I found out I was pregnant nearly 5 months in when I began to show and I was finally given a scan.

Shocked is an understatement. One of my biggest fears is the horrible reactions and judgements from other people. I can't change the outcome now. Already I have received a pompous comment when discussing an unrelated issue and mentioned about being busy.

"Well I would be busy too if I had CHOSEN to have 4 children"

I don't even have four yet. Is this my life now?

op i think you need to get some mental health help. you sound very overwhelmed and suicidal. please step away from the internet and speak to your gp.

*perminent
*brain space

I am amazed so many people comment. I have 2 myself but know a few families with 4. I occasionally think about how long parents evening must take or the volume of washing, but only in a "wow" way. I wouldn't share those thoughts with anyone else though. People are strange.

Please speak to someone OP this has obviously come as a great shock.
For what its worth i wish i had started having children younger so i could have more. 4 would be lovely. Congratulations and please take care of yourself

Oh OP. You sound so stressed and unhappy. Please contact your midwife for help.

FWIW, It's perfectly possible to be a brilliant parent of 4. I have 3 siblings and my parents (particularly my mum who was the main carer) were amazing. I never felt I didn't have enough of their attention. I argued with my siblings occasionally when I was a child/teen but now I'm an adult, my siblings are my biggest support and the people I would call in the middle of the night if I needed anything. I can't imagine negotiating adulthood without them.

My mum used to get comments about having 4 DCs in 5 years. People used to assume she was Catholic! She gave zero fucks. She loved having a big family and didn't care what anyone else thought.

I have four dc and and for some reason it sounds like a lot even to me! DH and I are both one of three so three seemed like a good number DC3 turned out to be DTD1 and DTD2. People do comment but generally in a gosh I don't know how you manage you're doing so well. Which was probably just them being kind as I was v. sleep deprived/ vomit stained for quite some time.

Really not encountered any snidey stuff so it's not a given.

I'm expecting #4 but can't imagine getting any negative comments. I probably wouldn't notice but to be honest I'm not around people who would be so rude.

Lots of people say 'you're going to be busy' but I don't take that as negative....I am going to be busy!

Congratulations 💐💐💐

Ignore the rude idiots and enjoy your children.

Smile and nod.

On a weekly basis i get along the lines of "are they ALL yours?"

A few weeks ago i took all four in aldi and i had the above comment FOUR times

I only have 1 child and intend to keep it that way. My two sisters have none and intend to keep it that way too. You are welcome to our combined quota of 2.4 children each, morally (to those who view it thus) allowing you 6.2 children in total (I think - early no coffee, shit with maths- the shame!!!).

Same goes for flying. I despise air travel (am terrified) so if anyone wants my quota of air pollution by plane it's there for the taking (not being judgy, just can't think of better wording right now).

Love that Barefoot. Can I have your uneaten quota of Creme Eggs if you have any available?

Oops barefoof sorry.

Congratulations. From the 5th of 5 children.
I had a great time with my siblings when we were young, although we mostly did our own thing with our own friends. Now we are older, they are THE BEST thing in my life, along with all our own children. Being part of a larger family is a wonderful wonderful experience for us. I hope it is for your children too.

Thank you so much for your kind words and for those sharing stories. I am definitely going to seek counselling to deal with this before, not after the baby arrives.

To answer a pp question, yes DH and to their credit DC's are all helpful and supportive and pleased as punch. Which has made it all the more difficult to share how I feel.

It doesn't help I've just turned 40 which I found hard anyway and I discovered the pregnancy the week before. Thank you so much for the supportive comments.

😃 Barefoot. Well my sister decided to remain childless so I'm just having her two she says.

I have 6 and honestly I can only remember one negative comment and that was from a woman who had chosen to only have one. I have found the vast majority of people are amazed. 4 isn't such a big family you know?

Op you are doing absolutely the right thing seeking counselling.

I had 4 children 5 and under. The comments are irritating at best.

We do become immersed in our large families I think. I barely have time for anything else but work and home. I didn't work for a long time and that helped. I've had a cleaner from the beginning. I've economised elsewhere to find the money - my environment really affects my mood and I get anxious and upset if I don't feel on top of things. I can live with the kitchen floor being washed fortnightly if I have to. But I would urge you to look at what help and support is available and put something in place to take the pressure off.

My mum (who had 2 children) thinks we've been socially conditioned in recent years to see having 2 as the ideal. At the age of 60 she now regrets not having more children and tells me I should have as many as we can afford.
I know 2 people with 4 children and I don't think any less of them at all, I sometimes wonder how on earth they manage with them all but that's it.
My friend with 4 boys sometimes gets looks when she's got them all out by herself but I noticed they seemed more like looks of admiration than anything.
I second trying to come to terms with this before the baby arrives, try to think of the positives. I bet your children will love having a new sibling.

I just noticed what age your kids are, it will be lovely for your 2 yo to have someone closer in age to play with

Completely sympathise on the comments thing. I'm in a similar situation- less children but my situation means that having another is going to be hard going. I've had lots of "you must be mad" and shock reactions from people and it's hard but only because of how I'm feeling and the fact I'm so anxious about how we will cope. Also feeling those thoughts about disrupting my other children's lives when we'd just got to a calmer point but it's been good reading for me on here to see all the posters who are out the other side.
Hope you feel better soon OP. I've been referred for some support with my mental health via the midwife now and although it feels over the top, I'm accepting any help as a precaution as much as anything.

Congratulations on your preganancy. Must have been a shock to find out at 5months. People will always comment. I get loads of remarks about "just the one". If I think I'm getting looked down on I just say yes, can't have anymore, going through heartbreaking secondary infertility. Just get yourself primed with a response line to roll out every time some tossed comments on the fact you are not walking round with 2.4 children. Hope the rest of your pregnany goes well.

So glad you're going to get counselling. They are lovely age gaps!!!

I would love to have more kids; there are days when I literally ache with the need for another baby. DH is adamant that he's done, and I respect that but it still leaves me with the (sometimes) physical pain of longing for another. In my imagination, six would be a perfect number

But I do feel stretched with the three I have, and in a world where the norm is two, I know I am fascinated by mums of bigger families. I know I've said things that were, with hindsight, insensitive but it was never coming from a judgemental place. I'm genuinely fascinated and awe inspired and downright jealous of mums with bigger families.

When I started being a sahm, and people would ask when I was going back to work, and what my real job was, I felt those comments were put-downs and judgmental. But that was more to do with my unease with the situation. I hadn't planned on being a sahm, and I hadn't given myself permission yet to be ok with my circumstances. Now, I know that there can be a certain amount of envy or guilt behind some of those comments. And also that people just say dumb things I know I do

you didn't choose this, in fact you chose not to have another child, and yet here you are. It's going to take time to come to terms with it. Please be generous with yourself and give yourself some time to adjust to the change in your life circumstances. But in the meantime remember that not everyone is going to look down on you. There are loads out there like me, who would love a chance to have another and another and another

I get 'surprised' comments when I say I have four. I don't take it as a criticism though. I've never worried that people think I'm on benefits or something that the dcs are lacking attention. It's just more than average and people are prone to comment.

Saying that, the OP has had a complicated and unexpected pregnancy and will be feeling sensitive. It's easy to say 'let it all wash over you' but when you're pregnant, tired and worried about how you'll cope everything looks like a big deal, even a pile of washing...