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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to bring a child up without a dad?

128 replies

californiabreeze · 15/09/2017 11:29

Is this bad for children? I am thinking sperm donation rather than failed relationships but worry about not having any positive male role models.

OP posts:
NewDaddie · 16/09/2017 08:27

@LabradorMama

I'm interested, so I'm trying to find the research that the blog quotes but the blogger doesn't link it or give names of the authors she just refers to them as 'academics' Hmm.

Did you find the actual research?

Myheartbelongsto · 16/09/2017 08:43

I have a friend that had a child through sperm donation and he is massively affected by this now as a young adult.

When he was younger his mum used to read books to him that were specifically about children that were conceived/born using this method.

He has actually said he was just a wank to someone. How sad is that.

Yanbu to raise a child without a father as millions of women do but without support it can be incredibly difficult.

JigglyTuff · 16/09/2017 08:47

I know many donor conceived children, including my own, and have done a lot of reading around it. They're happy well-adjusted children on the whole. Actually, they seem no different to children brought up in a more traditional family.

OP - please contact the Donor Conception Network as someone has already suggested. They run workshops for 'thinkers' which may help you work through some of the issues.

opheliacat · 16/09/2017 09:12

Jesus fucking God what a load of absolute bile flavoured ejaculation there is on this thread Hmm

BarbarianMum · 16/09/2017 09:32

Well i know 2 donor conceived children (both boys). They were fine with it up until adolescence, then not so much. Maybe they'll ultimately be fine with it long term, hope so, but I think its a bit off to deny that issues can occur.

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2017 09:34

Warning - children from archetypal nuclear families can also have a shit ton of problems

Mumoftwinsandanother · 16/09/2017 11:03

Seconding another poster above I know of lots of young adult donor conceived people who are fine with it (all of those I have met personally). I am also aware of lots who aren't although the issues that seem to come up are more around being lied to, having secrets kept from them or being unable to trace their genetic origins (as donations used to be truly anonymous and no longer are in UK). Not to say of course that you couldn't have a child, tell it the truth from the outset, ensure it has a chance to trace its donor father at 18 and the child may still have issues.
Although to be honest a child may still have issues if you have it in what lots of posters above seem to think is the ideal (a heterosexual relationship). You may split with your partner, you may row/suffer abuse, someone may get ill and die, you may lose your job/live in poverty, your child may find being an only damaging, they may find being one of two or more siblings damaging. Life is full of potential risks and it rarely works out as "ideal". Just work out if you could cope on your own, get to know people who are in the same boat (DCN is good for this), if you don't have a current support network build one, make sure you have a shedload of love and if you think you could all be happy - go for it.

DamnFineCherryPie · 16/09/2017 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lurkedforever1 · 16/09/2017 13:46

As op doesn't intend on time travel to find a sperm donor, any anecdotes about kids conceived before the rule change who don't know anything about their fathers are completely irrelevant and not at all helpful.

OurMiracle1106 · 16/09/2017 13:53

Sometimes life doesn't go the way it's planned. My dad passed away when I was 1 year old. I was always grateful that I had consistency. I knew my dad wasn't going to walk in and out of my life as and when he felt like it which is far more damaging IMO

At least the child will have come from pure love not a one night stand who you have no idea who they were or worse still a dad who wants nothing to do with them and wishes they didn't exist.

DamnFineCherryPie · 16/09/2017 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lurkedforever1 · 16/09/2017 14:45

damn but what has that got to do with ops situation? It would be like me popping into a thread on large families and sharing anecdotes about large families pre tax credits who didn't always have enough to eat, and then saying how important I think it is to feed your kids. Telling your child the truth about their biological parents is always the right thing to do, and news flash, lone parents are just as capable of knowing this or any other parenting norm as any couple.

I never said I was in charge of what is relevant, but if other posters want to post irrelevant anecdotes in an attempt to dress up their objections as valid concerns, I have every right to comment on it.

theabysswithin · 16/09/2017 15:08

I am quite shocked at the attitudes on this thread. Leaving aside the consideration about a chid knowing its heritage -- and there is some validity to that, though nothing that I don't think can't be overcome through open communication with the child.

The default assumption from many people is that a child is intrinsically disadvantaged by not growing up in a nuclear family and I find that genuinely shocking.

Go onto the relationships board and you will find, on any given day, threads from dozens of women who are plainly far, far better off bringing their kids up alone and are wrestling with the decision as to whether to "break up the family" (they never are, it is invariably the dad who is doing this). For a number of reasons ranging from infidelity to abuse to substance abuse problems on behalf of the father. Most of these women come back on months/years later to say, basically, thank God I LTB, my kids are more stable, happier, thriving without the toxic influence of the man who was the source of the problem.

Obviously a happy, stable, two parent household is the optimal way to bring children up and obviously you should think very carefully if you want to embark on a pregnancy without a father. But there seems to be an assumption on this thread that guaranteeing a dual-parent family is the lion's share of bringing up kids properly. And that leads to all sorts of self destructive assumptions, around the idea that its basically the woman's job not to "break up the family", and therefore to tolerate all manner of disrespect and abuse in order to attain the holy grail of a nuclear family.

There are millions of single parent households in this country where women it usually is women are doing far, far better jobs than they were wrestling with a declining, stifling or abusive marriage. Many of these women strive to maintain decent relationships with the father post split, some choose not to. I know of so many such families and without exception they are all doing better and the kids are happier than they would have been without the father involved.

I have almost zero support and am doing, if I say so myself, a pretty good job of raising my DD on my own basically because her father was flaky and abusive and I took the decision for both of us not to have to spend the rest of or lives having his behaviour overshadow our self-confidence and our autonomy. And I don't regret it for a second. I am 100% sure my DD is happier than she would have been had I remained with her dad.

I'm not denying that these are careful decisions which should be embarked upon with care and planning. But some of you need to have a look at your attitudes and your attitudes to parenting and have a word with yourselves. One strong, stable and loving parent is far far better for children than a dysfunctional pairing. And a far greater number of marriages are dysfunctional than many people will allow themselves to admit.

Rant over.

Oysterbabe · 16/09/2017 15:17

I don't think anyone has suggested staying with an abusive man is better for the child than being a single parent. That isn't the topic of the OP. She asked whether she'd be unreasonable to have a child via sperm donor and later confirms that she has no other support. This is obviously not an ideal situation for either of them and pointing out that it could be worse doesn't change that.

rider1975 · 16/09/2017 15:21

Hi OP, I considered sd (was actually my mum's idea) but didn't pursue it because it wasn't right for me. I am the product of a traditional nuclear family and my parents are still together and still very loving to each other. It was too great a leap for me.
My mum on the other hand was in a single parent family from birth and didn't meet her dad until well into her teens. She said she had a lovely childhood and never missed what she didn't have (a father).
I decided that I would rather foster/adopt as an option.
This is a totally personal decision and only you can decide how that goes with your own ethics/beliefs/expectations. Best of luck to you

JigglyTuff · 16/09/2017 15:25

If you read the fertility boards on here, there are lots of heterosexual couples who use egg donors and have no intention of telling their children. There are an awful lot of children who are naturally conceived though who aren't related to one of their parents and don't know that - I know two!

I deliberately didn't conceive until after the anonymity rules were changed.

happy2bhomely · 16/09/2017 15:58

I think children just need to know they are wanted and loved. Rejection is a tough pill to swallow at any age.Some kids are more resilient than others though. I think a sperm donor is different because there is no rejection.

I was a single (teenage) parent for 5 years. Something I struggled with was feeling that no matter how much of a good mum I was, I could never be their dad. So even if I gave 100% it was still only 50% of what they needed.

As it turns out, we later married and had more children. Looking back, I think money and support are the biggest factors really. It's only when the combination of rejection, low income, no support, less resilience come together that we see the extreme examples above. There is no denying that for some children the loss of a parent has devastating consequences.

jeaux90 · 16/09/2017 16:10

Children need love, stability and support. I'm a lone parent. My dd is 8. She hasn't seen her father since she was 2. He was abusive.

I think some of the key things to success in lone parenting is unfortunately money but yes support.

I've been lucky. Great career and able to afford a live in nanny who has been with us since my kid was very young. A good network of family and friends to provide more good role models.

Lone parenting is tough but it's a damn sight easier when you are financially stable.

MNOverinvestor · 16/09/2017 18:03

I don't think it should make an iota of difference if there's a second parent or not. What matters is that the lone parent does a really good job of raising their DC. In my family, when Single Mum A (SMA) became pregnant, she threw herself into being a mum - she changed her life completely. She hung out with other mums and was a pretty strict parent when they were young (which was a surprise to us because previously she'd been a complete hippy but she said that needed her kids to be the sort that other families wanted to have around and that meant that they had to be well-behaved). The other mum - SMB - once that she thought she could adapt her previous life to having a child. She soon realised that this wasn't going to happen (!) but there's still a bit of ambivalence/resentment that she can't, I think - and it's certainly not working for SMB nor DS who is a pretty unhappy kid at the moment (at home and at school), even if he's showered with holidays (with SMB's non-kid friends) and theatre etc etc when he'd rather be playing football in the park with his mates.

NewDaddie · 16/09/2017 20:35

2 good parents > 1 good parent > bad parent(s)

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/09/2017 20:39

I have only skim read, however, your child won't know any different as it would just be you and he/she from the start. There are plenty of ways to find role models and I wouldn't worry too much. I am a single parent, my son's father abandoned him. I can't honestly say that this hasn't been negative for my son but we are fine, he is fine. I will deal with things as they go along. Your situation is different. You will be fine.

Peachyking000 · 16/09/2017 20:44

There's nothing wrong in bringing a child up without a father in my opinion. I did it for 7 years until I met my DH.

That said, I'd have severely struggled without any support. I heavily relied on my parents for childcare, emergencies and occasions when I was ill.

It is possible though go to build up a support network - having a child can open doors to friendships with other parents, and potentially a network of support. Eg I became friends with other single mums via work/clubs, and we have all been able to help each other out with school runs, childcare etc.

HateIsNotGood · 16/09/2017 20:54

I have met and known so many screwed up people that have come from so-called 2-parent, loving families that I don't think it makes any difference in the end.

The one good thing is that you can give your dc all your love. LP with no support is hard. Very hard. But a dc brought up with love, care and parenting that suits their personality is a well-balanced adult of the future.

BanginChoons · 16/09/2017 22:18

I am the child of a sperm donor with half my dna missing. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, in fact it doesn't interest me. Don't assume that everyone needs to know their full story to feel complete. Some of us are just happy to read the bits we are a part of.

TreasureInMyTummy · 16/09/2017 23:29

Wow some of the comments on this thread!

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with a baby conceived from a sperm donor. I am 34 years old went to a clinic, have details of the father's family medical history and a pen letter from him with details of his and family's life and why he donated.

I thought about this for four years before deciding to do as for me having children is so important to me I would be so sad if I missed out due to finding my right partner later in life than others.

I always thought I would be married before I had children but life doesn't always work out that way. I am not expecting it will be easy but I will do all I can to provide a stable loving honest environment for my child to grow up with a variety of role models for the child.

I earn double the national average salary, saved to ensure I had good savings behind me, own two houses so I can rent out the second one and my salary means I only have to work 3 days a week once I go back to work after baby and still live comfortably. This hadn't been a quick decision and I've spent a lot of time thinking and discussing this with family and friends before I came to this decision.

The comment in this thread that just get a kitten instead seems very flippant and cruel. Should infertile couples also just get a kitten??

I am very surprised at the sweeping comments made about single families as no two parent families are the same and I'm sure there are plenty of examples people could provide of children messed up by their parents ( indeed I think there is a well known poem about how parents mess their children up?!)

So my advice? Talk to those close to you to understand what support you may have around you and not realise. Start saving if you haven't already. Go to a clinic open day/ seminar which will give you more details. Any clinic you attend will also offer counselling to talk through the emotional impact for you and your future child which is very worthwhile.

And good luck. Xxxx