to bring a child up without a dad?

[californiabreeze]

Is this bad for children? I am thinking sperm donation rather than failed relationships but worry about not having any positive male role models.

My wife & I are going down the sd route and honestly, the world is full of male role models. It will be harder for you as a single parent on a practical level, but I wouldn't worry unduly about this. Even if you don't have a dad or brothers, your dc will come into contact with men and boys as they go through life. And no male role model is better than having a bad one imho.

The ideal is to have two loving parents however I think if you have support (grandparents/ aunts / uncles) that will remain in your child's life then it could easily work. I wouldn't get pregnant knowing I have no one else to help or to look after the child should something happen to me.

I don't have any support.

I wouldn't worry specifically about male role models either. Just someone to support you, male or female.

Cross post.

I wouldn't in that case but of course it's up to you.

Well, I was raised without a father, and it's taken until my mid thirties to realise just how much it damaged me.

I'm sure that's not the same fore everyone, but I do know a number of people in a similar position who are similarly troubled.

I wouldn't necessarily let that stop you, but you should think hard about the implications of what you're doing.

I'm becoming increasingly annoyed at people who suggest that raising a child of either sex with just one parent, and of just one sex isn't potentially problematic. Children of both sexes need as much support as possible, and need people of both sexes on which to model their behaviour.

I'm doing this - currently 27 weeks pregnant. I'd been thinking about it / planning it for years, and of course still have the worries and doubts you're raising. I think though that families come in all shapes and sizes these days, and having both parents doesn't guarantee a better or happier childhood in all cases.

I'm lucky to have a lot of support, and my father will of course be an important role model for my daughter. I'm also going to try make sure she is exposed to other male role models through clubs and activities. I've also joined a network of other local single mum's by choice so she can hopefully meet other children in the future from the same background.

I can't say what the end result will be, but she will be very loved by many people and I just hope she's happy.

Wishing you all the best if you do decide to go ahead happy to answer any questions you have x

I'm in two minds. My sons have a wonderful relationship with their dad, so for them it's incredibly enriching. However if they didn't have a male role model they couldn't miss it IFYSWIM.

I would be concerned if you have no one at all to support you. Extended family at all? Friends? Having children can be extremely isolating and I would worry about you to be honest and how you'd cope.

My son isn't damaged by not having positive male role models. He is damaged by the fact his dad just doesn't give a shit about him and doesn't want to know him. Perhaps with sperm donation it's different because that possibility is never in the equation. I've known mothers who have had children in this way and it's worked out ok.

the evidence is that boys can struggle without a dad. Sorry but that is the truth. Look at the stats on how many men in prison had no dad.

if you have a girl, I think no dad is less of an issue in terms of damaging life chances, but it is still unbelievably difficult and expensive to parent a child on your own. Do you have a lot of money to throw at it, like able to afford a nanny etc?

No personally I wouldn't. People are IMO far too quick to jump to the "just use a sperm donor if you want a child and haven't found someone to have one with," ideal, with absolutely no thought for the children they are knowingly bringing into single parent families with half their heritage missing. And no, it's not the same as parents who divorce and one or other disappears off into oblivion.

I think it's highly likely that in 25 years time we will see a generation of adults who have been damaged by having been conceived through donation with no way of knowing who they were or where they came from. In the same way that letterbox contact became a thing because of the damage lack of contact with biological parents did to adopted children, the same should become a reality for donor conceived children, and will happen IMO, but the numbers of donors will likely fizzle out as a result.

The statistical evidence that children do better wihen they have a mother and father is overwhelming. I do nt agree the world is full of male role models, look at how few men there are in primary schools, and other men like sports coachs do nt give much individual attention,

My DD is 6 months old and her dad is not involved (big back story i wont go into). I have done everything by myself with very little support, every night feed and early start and everything in between. Yes it is hard work but i wouldn't change any of it.
My DD is the best thing that ever happened to me and she is loved, happy and thriving.
Surely that is more important than whether or not her dad is in her life.

DS is sd.

Best thing I ever did

A lot of people end up in this position and do just fine but I wouldn't do it on purpose, especially if you have no other support. My DD has such a wonderful relationship with her father and gets different things from each of us. She would be a different little girl without him.

Why children brought up in two-parent families tend to do better than those in single parent families is REALLY complicated. Some of the factors are:

• Less money coming in. Poverty - and particularly financial uncertainty - are huge risk factors for children.
• Damage caused to children by marriage breakdowns due to DV or uninterested fathers.
• Mothers who aren't capable of holding down a relationship may struggle to parent effectively. (And yes, this is a TINY proportion of single mothers, but they all count in the statistics).
• Other external stresses contributing to the marriage breakdown which continue to influence the child. (E.g. if the marriage has broken down due to the stress of dealing with disability or addiction or immigration problems or whatever, those stresses will continue to impact the child).
• Trauma of bereavement.

I grew up in a single-parent family. We had to deal with the death of my father, which was hard, but we didn't have any of those other risk factors, and I had a very happy childhood and don't feel damaged by it at all.

I don't think the very fact of you being single will negatively impact your child. But you should consider whether some of the consequences of that - lack of support, existing on one income, etc etc might.

I think it's less about it being a father and more about there being someone else. It's very hard making decisions and disciplining and seeing the wood from the trees with the chaos and intensity and individuality that is a child without someone close to both of you to bounce things off, talk you down and balance you and your reactions. That is where my DH has been critical. He has been good at adding perspective. But a same sex partner or close involved family member could fulfil that role.

There are all sorts of families and the ones that do well are not necessarily the mum/dad set up.

My best friend, her partner left when she was 3 month pregnant. The child is damaged, irrevocably broken by having no father. She isn't alone - she lives in a multi generational house, the child has three able bodied indulgent adults tending his every whim BUT he constantly makes reference to no father in his life. Hes under CAMHs for anger issues, every avenue of school councelling you can throw a stick at. He's 10 and this all because he has a sense of injustice at having no father.

Every child deserves a father. Its plain selfish to create life to fulfil your hormonal urges. Get a cat. And Im not being flippant.

My DD doesn't have a dad, but I have lots of great male friends who have all taken on a fatherly roll and make an effort to spend time with her at least once a week. She's turning out really great and when she asks, I just say some families don't have daddies or mummies. But she thinks that's normal so it hasn't bothered her.

I worry about this too. I have a DS (4) and I'm a single mum. He has never met his father and has no male role models involved in his life. He is a happy, confident, funny little boy, but I do worry about it.
I had a very special relationship with my dear Dad so I find it particularly sad he won't experience that.
In some ways I think its easier to be on your own - all parenting decisions are mine. I don't have to negotiate with anyone. We can be spontaneous, and I'm his world.

However it can be tough. I can't go out, I have massively limited my career choices, childcare is expensive and its hard juggling a career with being a single mum.

What do you mean OP by no support? No support whatsoever

I grew up largely without a father. He would have me sometimes to "help mum out" never because he wanted to have me. I was fortunate that my mum made very good friends with a couple who had a daughter my age. When we were made homeless we went to live with them and he became my father figure until my mum remarried 11 years later. He did the father of the bride speech at my wedding. I think for me, having that role model was important but mainly because my mum really struggled as a single parent and was too lenient and didn't really know how to properly discipline etc. He stepped in and by the time we left, she had gained in confidence to do it alone.

What I'm saying is, support is vital. My mum would not have been the mum she was (fabulous) without such amazing support from people

Darcy - with all due respect you are talking about one example. One child. He could have turned out this way with a father in his life.

It's said that it's the parent that's the same sex as the child the is the most important role model to the child. However there's plenty of same sex couples that have children that do fantastically well so I don't know how it works.

It's not something I would ever do. I couldn't imagine deliberately putting myself in a position that I would be bringing up a child on my own with no support at all. It's bloody hard even with a partner and family around you, and I can't help but think it will have an impact on the child in some way. I think sometimes the 'need' to have your own child sometimes clouds the judgement of what's actually best for a child, as ultimately that should be the most important thing. But I certainly wouldn't judge someone else for doing it, it's easy enough for me to say that when I'm not in your position

I'll back Darcy up with my ten year old who had five years with Camhs and is the exact same. In fact, I read her post twice to make sure it wasn't about me.